Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I become a good Muslim in this difficult situation?

prisoner, trapped, can't escape, depressed, leave, escape, confined

I got involved with a Muslim man 8 years ago and we committed zina, and if that was not bad enough we had a twin boys who are 5 years old outside marriage.

When I was pregnant the father of my children was not happy and he wanted me to have a termination but I still decided to keep the child. I know some might think it was very selfish of me to do that but I could not see it otherwise, and since than I never looked back and regretted my decision for a minute. I always believed something good come out of it at the end and somehow everything will be ok.

That was before I only saw father of my sons and myself in this situation. However the reality was/is different. At the time of my pregnancy we kept the whole thing only between us until one day. Once our son was born father of my son decided to tell his family a lie without my acknowledgement a lie about us being married. I did not find out about it till couple of weeks later. I was not happy as I did not want to lie and I did not think it was necessary. He was telling me that if he does not lie his family will kill us, or that his father or mother might die and we could never be together. I was distressed and upset at the same time did not understand how can one think like that. So after knowing that we never talked about it.

One day they of course asked us to come around. I was nervous not knowing what to expect as I did not have knowledge of anything and the father of my son never talked about anything; only how great his family is and that there is not anybody better then them. I was even more confused at that as I though how can somebody have such a great family but yet they are afraid that they might kill them.

We went and the visit was tense. I did not understand a thing they were saying as they spoke in Urdu-Pakistani and when we were leaving I remember his mum put in my hands ( I did not know at the time) was a tape of Recitation of Quran. I did not think anything of it, I mean I did not had a clue what it was and why. as time went by I started to realize that not only his family but the whole community has expectations which I could not possibly deliver even if I want it to. Firstly, I was lying. Secondly, I was not Muslim.

Nothing could prepared me for what come after. The constant pressures of visiting members of family and community as well as the part of a religion I did not know anything about. No matter how respectful I came to their house with my clothes covering from top to bottom it was never enough. I was constantly told to put on head scarfs around my neck even when I wore long sleeves jumpers/t shirts etc. Slowly but surely I have lost my own identity and I was stripped of my dignity by his people. I told him I need time to study and learn about Islam but instead they push me away from it. I had nowhere to go no one to turn to.

His family and community thing of him as their 'Hero'. Do not get me wrong he is a nice guy and helps people but why is he so angry with me? I became depressed and withdrawn. I felt I couldn't care for my babies fully the way I wanted to, giving them simple sleep routine become a struggle throughout late nights of visiting everybody. I was mentally and physically draining to keeping up with everything and everyone. And if you miss a visit you would not hear the end of it. father of my children did not stand up for me on any occasion not even once. He watched everybody doing what they used to and did not take into account any of my feelings. It destroyed my self confidence totally. When there was time of Ramadan and other celebration he would leave me every time saying he have to do this with his family as I am not Muslim. He would always find some excuses as far as he could be with them. He did not support me in any way and the boys.

It came to the point that we could not talk to each other, so as far as we just kept everything simple and nothing has been said apart from "hi" and "bye" and "I was in shops" or "I met this person or that from my community and they are so wonderful" - nothing else mattered. I could not help but think that he is using me just to cover up the lie. And he was.

He turned violent on a few occasions and called me every horrible name you can think of. I remember the time when I was pregnant he spat at my stomach. He told me over and over that I am the root of all his problems and bring nothing but misery to his life. He called me a prostitute over and over, he told me my stomach is old looking from my babies. The list goes on. He hits me when my children eat non-halal meat. I told him that He can't just expect things from me and that I can't just revert because he want me to and he want me to marry him so he look good in his parents eyes. I couldn't just do that even if I wanted to.

if I ever do that I would not do it for him but for my self for the pleasure of Allah. Now 8years down the road I have took Shahada not long ago and I could not tell him as I can't trust him. At first I though by taking Shahada everything seemed so new so wonderful but now I feel only after few weeks that I am already making Allah not happy and I feel so down and I do not know how to make things ok. I am glad I took Shahada I am just scared that with all the pressures from him and his community will take me on the wrong path.

He told me that my children belong to his mother and his household and not with me. He told me he wish someone like his sister should be the mother of his children. He has got lots of hate and resentments towards me. I have threats coming from every side. Once I read in one of the Fatwas that if you are not married the children are traced back to the mother. Is that true in Islam? Please help, I do not want to lose my boys. Can Allah ever forgive me? What can I do to be the best I can be to please Allah?. I want to change to be strong, and to be at peace within myself. Please can you help?


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15 Responses »

  1. Salam alaikom sister, alhumdulilah you have take the shahada. I too also am a revert. I took the shahada 8 years ago now. Sister, you are never alone Allah swt is always there for you. Whenever you need I talk to someone Allah swt is there to listen.

    Please do not let the behaviour of certain Muslims shape your understanding or vision of what Islam truly is. Islam is a peaceful religion yet often people tend to put culture before religion or mix the two. This is unacceptable in Islam and is considered to be bida'A. Some people do not know Islam enough, and this is what saddens me because they are affecting our Ummah - our Muslim community. As long as you raise your children in the way of Islam, sister you will make Allah swt happy, inshala.

    I commend you on doing your own research about Islam, and acquiring religious knowledge. May Allah swt reward you for your efforts inshala.

    I have read a Hadith and I do apologise as I could not find it when writing this, stating that the children belong to the mother only until she re-marries, then the children will go to the father. This is because the father is the sole provider, and as the woman would be preoccupied with her new husband and family. Allahu Alaam, and Allah swt knows best.

  2. Assalamu'alaikum Amani,

    First of all, May Allah Accept your Imaan and Grant you His Pleasure. The fear that Allah Is not Happy is something good, as it makes you do good, while complaining to yourself and not Allah.

    I welcome you to His Religion, which is the key to His Pleasure.

    What you read in the fatwa was true if the father of your children denied to give his name to his children. However, I have no knowledge about 'custody'. The relationship is based on a lie, so it is away from blessings and it is haraam for you both to live together without having married. It is sad to hear about his abuses and his treatment was unacceptable.

    However, he must either marry you or you must break the silence. The situation is already tense, it is already bad. I think his family should know about his deeds. He calls you a prostitute for what he was an equal part of. What is he then?

    If you think it will work, tell your husband about your Islam and that you wish to make things work out and give it another chance, without revealing the past and getting married to him, with the Imam being your Wali (guardian) for Nikah, for the fact that you are a revert, assuming none if your male relatives is Muslim or is unaccessible.

    The situation is difficult, sister. A Muslim can be a good Muslim whether in good times or bad. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:

    `How wonderful is the case of the believer, for all his affairs are good. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him. This does not apply to anyone but the believer.'''

    Subhanallah! You are a Muslim, sister. And your final destination is not here. You can be a very good Muslim in this difficult time. Learn Islam well and from authentic sources such as

    I pray that Allag Makes it easy for you and Solves your problems. Indeed, nothing is difficult for Him.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  3. He wishes his sister was the mother of his children? That's absolutely disgusting - who thinks about his sister like that?!

    This man does not at all sound like the good guy you try to convince us he is - a good guy would never spit on the stomach of the woman who carries his babies. A good man would never physically or emotionally abuse his woman. A good guy would have married his woman by now. A good guy would include his woman in his life and in his family. A good guy would defend his woman and be attentive of her needs. A good guy would support his woman. A good guy would look after his children properly. What exactly is this man doing that makes him a good guy? I'm afraid you're probably just hanging on to some old memories of a time where he might have been a nice guy to you - and why wouldn't he? He had masla7a with you - or in other words, he wanted to gain something from you: easy and free sex, with no attachments. And you, unfortunately, gave it to him and is now stuck in this situation.

    What's done is done, but as of this point, you cannot live with this guy and unmarriedly. And I certainly would not encourage you to marry him unless he drastically changes his ways. Not only is his behaviour harmful to you, but your children probably feel the tensions and abuse as well. You need to stop thinking of saving this guy's face in front of his family and community and think about what's best for you and your children. Your kids do not belong with his mother at all, what the hell does she has to do with the kids? Did she carry them? Did she give birth to them? Did she breastfeed them? The only reason she has SOME kind of relation to them is because her son donated the sperm. That does not make her the owner of YOUR children. Your children are your's and your husband, and it's between you to work out an arrangement as to how much each of you get to be with them.

    Also, you really need to be a bit firm with his family - the relationship you have with God exceeds the relationship you have with every single being on Earth, and if his family and community is harming that relationship, you need to tell them to back off. Stop accepting things from them, stop letting them push you around. This reminds me of a situation where my friend's uncle tried to force me to clean up after his niece's / my friend's wedding in a really aggressive tone - it would have been easy to get intimidated and just say, "okaaaay, I will". But nah, I told him, "I'm not a cleaning lady, if you want free cleaning jobs, ask your wife and children to do it for you". Some people just don't understand their limits - I think in a lot of cultures, everyone is all up in each others' business, and when someone from outside of their culture enter their community, they don't really consider this person's different outlook and need of privacy. Instead they try to shove their culture down your throat. It's only you who can draw the line and let these people know what the boundaries are. And my God, these people need them.

    You need to consider if you want this guy, with his bad treatment of you and his entire family and community, for the rest of your life. I would encourage you to have a serious talk with him about all of your concerns - if he will have it with you and wants to listen to you, then great. But if he just dismisses you and runs away from the problems...then I would seriously consider a life without him.

  4. Salam Sis

    As above sentiments welcome to Islam.

    Secondly this man is not only a hypocrite but he also has no knowledge of this religion. he is total opposite of what Islam teaches and spreads, personally you need to make people aware of what he is doing to you.

    HE IS OPPRESSING you, and that is a heinous crime in Islam to oppress another. especially when that other is his child mother. (Is this man a moron?) to be saying such vile things to you.

    Pleaseeeeeeeee do not suffer in silence you do NOT deserve this. Is there not someone you can speak to? Some sister you are close to? where you live, an Imam at the mosque who you can trust, visit him with someone you trust as this can not go on anymore.

    Please don't judge this religion on the back off men like this. Do NOT allow him to oppress you anymore.


  5. Salaams,

    I just want to put the truth in perspective very clearly. Those children do not belong to any woman but you. You birthed them, you have the rights over them. No mother, sister, or anyone else can take that right away.

    The father of the children has rights to support them financially, take care of all their material needs, and educate them in Islam. However, I feel that there is a risk that their father could be dangerous and definitely is not looking to the wellbeing of the children if he is so flippant about taking them out of your care.

    I am hoping you live in a western country, as you indicated you are a convert and not of sub-continent origin. My advice to you sister is to establish your custodial rights through the local courts. Stop taking the children to his house or to his family on visits. If they want to see the child, given their history of how they've dealt with you, I think it needs to be on your terms. Have them come to you or, better yet, request the courts to grant supervised visitation so he can't have any doors to pull any stunts like trying to kidnap the kids.

    As far as considering marriage, the only benefit I can see is that it would seemingly create a secure environment for your children to grow up in. However don't be decieved by that idea. Just because two parents share a household with their kids, doesn't mean the kids are growing up with the love and attention and safety from stress that they need. In certain situations, it is better for the children's well being that two parents are not sharing their lives together, because one of them may have some very destructive or harmful ways about themself. I think the man you described may certainly fit that category, and truly no peace or blessing can come from uniting with such a person. It may only make things worse.

    -Amy Editor

  6. asalamu alaikum,

    sista welcome to Islam. you said Can Allah ever forgive me? when you became a Muslim, Allah(swt) forgave ALL of your previous sins, you got a clean slate.

    also the mother has more right over the child than the father. A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me? He replied: "Your mother." The man asked: Then who? So he replied: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So the Prophet replied again: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So he replied: "Then your father." (Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)

    since you are not married he is not lawful for you. I think its best to stay away from him. Allah(swt) said, just because you say I believe, do you think you wont be tested? so sista be patient,pray to Allah and stay away from that maniac..

    ma salama..

  7. Assalaamualaikam sister.

    Alhamdulillah you have taken your shahada and accepted Islam. When we say our shahada, our past sins are all forgiven, and if you ever feel that you have committed an irredeemable act, just remember that the first names of Allah given in the Quran describe His forgiveness, and it is taught that even if our sins were as high as a mountain, if we truly repent, Allah will forgive us.

    With regards your partner, his behaviour seems totally unacceptable on so many levels. If you are experiencing physical or psychological abuse, or fear your life may be in danger, it is very important for you to get to a safe place and alert the authorities (if you are in a country where it is safe to do so - if not, find a nearby aid project or woman's shelter). Abuse is not tolerated in Islam.

    Normally, I almost always encourage people to try to make their marriage work and to resolve difficulties, but in this case, this man is not married to you, is abusive and threatening, and is not living a life guided by Islamic principles. You and your children may very well be better off without him, and inshaAllah you can then go on to find a righteous Muslim man who will love and respect you, and help you develop your faith and teach your children.

    With regards custody of your children, I would advise you to seek legal advice from a professional - custody law can vary from country to country, so it is best to get specialist help in this matter.

    I pray that Allah helps you through this time, and that you and your children are able to find peace and happiness in Islam.

    Midnightmoon editor

  8. well, the children are traced to the mother if they are born out of wedlock. while the children are traced to the father if they are born out of legitimate marriage. but in both cases, it is the responsibility of the father to support the mother and the children financialy, emortionally and spiritually (religiously). it is his responsibility to carter for the needs of the family (both the wife and the children) if the are legitimately married.
    but the woman of the children is not his responsibility if they are not legitimately married and he may not cater for her needs (if he wishes so). but he must financially sopport the children borned out wedlock. in other words, he must support the mother in taken care of the children. this is according to the shariah, and he would be held accountable on judgement day, if he does not fulfil his responsibilities.

    now coming to your questions,

    you said would allah ever forgive you your sins?

    most certainly, the answers is YES, but there are conditions involved. first you have to make a sincere tawba/repentance, with the intentions that you will NEVER go back to such sins again. and be remorsefull of the sin you comitted.

    but before this sister, you are already in a haraam relationship for now. fear ALLAH and get out of that haram relationship. you have two ways to do that.
    the first is by making this relationship legitimate/halal by marrying him asap.
    the second way is by totally seperating yourself with him. cut all comminications with him, and take you children along with you.

    now you have to sit down and think, if you parsonally love him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and you think you can both make things workout, then marry him asap.

    but if you both are not compatable, and you cant make things workout, then seperate from him and do not allow him touch you because he is not your mahram.

    you said how can you make yourself a good muslima.

    well, you have to strictly observe your five times daily compulsory salat prayers . this is where it begins. stricly guard prayers at there fixed stated time. always feel uncomfortable and worthless if you miss you prayers, just like you feel uncmfortable when you do not eat a whole day (no brakefast, no lunch, no dinner). and always try to make up your prayer asap before it time elapses.

    after this, you have do all the rightous good deeds Allah has ordained for you - modesty, no skimpsy dressing, honesty, kindness to people, trustworthy, always true to you words, promises, no shaking/hugging men (non mahrams) etc.

    and you also have to abstain from what ALLAH has forbiden for you.

    ALLAAH has promised forgiveness and a great reward (jannah/paradise) for those that do rightous good deeds whilst they are believers (muslims)

    hope this helps


  9. Assalaamualaikam
    First of all i command you to tell your story and secondly i command you for accepting that there is a problem, Not only with you but the whole situation.
    How do you feel about this? this whole secret thing? We woman in society are valued more than that. What kind of a man is he. So called Muslim for sure.
    Really. What he is doing is trying to control you? Is that what you want or is that the way how you would like to live. I don't remember reading the quran or the hadith that says "woman should be treated like that". The whole senerio has two parts, which is YOU AND HIM.
    I strongly believe that you should reveal the truth to the family..(it will cost you though) and then get custody of the boys and leave. No one should be this miserable and this will greately affect the kids.
    You already took shahada, pray, have faith and allah will show you the way.
    all the best

  10. welcome to islam....whatever you do dont tell him u converted to islam. he wanted you to convert for all the wrong reasons it sounds like and so whether ur muslim or not wouldnt trully make a difference in his eyes because he would have done things alot differently a long time ago if he was honest and true in regards to you.

    my advice would have to be get as FAR away as u ossibly can from this man and everything associated with him. frankly being around him is pushing u AWAY from islam and anything that goes against ur deen needs to be avoided. think of urself get far away if u can never look back and dont give him a way of contacting u at all.


  11. As-salamu alaykum sister. It's amazing that you took shahadah even after your negative experiences with Muslims. SubhanAllah, Allah guides who He will.

    The children are your children. They belong with you, and should stay with you. They absolutely do not belong to your in-laws, that is nonsense and has no basis in Islam.

    Your relationship with this man is unlawful. It is considered a serious sin in Islam to cohabit with a man outside of marriage. You should take your children and separate from him right away. As Amy said, go to the courts to establish your legal custody over the children.

    You might be considering marrying this man lawfully. Don't. He is an abuser, he is unkind and unloving. Not good husband material. You already know that the two of you don't get along. Separate from him and move on with your life with hope in your heart, Insha'Allah. I am sure that Allah has good things in store for you.

    Wael Editor

  12. Just reading your story it becomes manifest that Allah loves you soo very much.
    He was testing you, watching whether you would let this man be an example of
    Islaam. Alhamdulillah Allah blessed you with wisdom because you pushed aside
    all the dark pictures created by him to see the true light, which you
    discovered was islaam, subhanAllah.
    I feel that Allah wants you to remove your blessed soul from the deen-less presence
    of hatred that is emitted from this man. Do you think that a man who
    ignores the words of Allah would ever listen to you. I think not. (Allah bless him
    With guidance).
    The fact that this man is not practising his faith confirms that he will not be a
    good islamic role model for your children. Thus Allah would understand your reason
    to get custody of your children if you leave him.
    This step, to his family will be taken as a blow but they seem to be
    living by tradition so just ignore what they say to hurt your feelings. This will
    be a hard struggle but because you will do it through
    Loving Allah azza wajal he will show you that at the end of a dark tunnel
    he will always provide you with light.
    Please be strong, Allah only wants for you Jannah (paradise).
    I pray that Allah will bless you with the strength to endure the
    happenings of your life with 'sabr.' Ameen. Much love, your sister by Allah.

  13. Dear Sister,

    Alhamdullillah, despite your adversity you still decided to take the syahadah. Take takes a lot of courage and strength. I recently read about the Almighty granting the dua of the oppressed regardless muslim or not. And the dua of the oppressed is a very potent one.

    You can choose to make a dua that's negative or positive, though the positive one would definitely incur Allah's pleasure. So I'm suggesting that you do a solat tahajjud or solat hajat, which are 2 rakaat prayers usually done late at nite. If you need to find out more, here's a link that may be useful -

    Allah will take care of you, ease your suffering and soothe your heart. Believe in that. Insyaallah. And always ask of Him as there is no greater giver than Him. Amin. Take care sister.


    • is unauthentic place to rely for authentic du'as. Muslims should be kept away from the innovations of this website. Please keep yourself protected against it and limit yourself to authentic du'as which can be found in the book called "Fortress of the Muslim" and similar books based on Qur'an and the Saheeh Ahaadeeth.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  14. Hi again Sister,

    Here is another simpler dua that may be of use to you.
    May Allah bless you with his Grace Kindness & Mercy.


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