Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Before yes, now no! One lie can change everything?

Lies, telling lies, lying



One year back a man (let's call him Ali) proposed me for marriage. Before that we were friends and after that we were in a relationship for 5 months. When he proposed me for marriage i came and told my mom about it and he told his mom about it too. Both the families did Istikhara and the answer came yes.

Ali was not working at that time but he was searching for a job - my family accepted him cause they liked him and said that he is a nice person and other things like work money is all from Allah wish so when it has to happen it will happen.

Ali does not have a good relation with his family people because his family is very very conservative and he is not conservative. Everyone in his family (all his brothers sisters everyone) is married in cousins so he was forced to do the same few years back. He was called to Pakistan saying that his sisters are getting married but when he reached Pakistan he found out that his family is forcing him to get married to his cousin. He did not want to marry that girl or any girl for that reason in his family. But since it was Pakistan and he could not escape out from there because it was a village and people would end up killing him, he got married to his cousin and after marriage he stayed in Pakistan for few days but did not sleep with the girl - he was waiting for everyone to cool down and as soon as he got a chance he escaped from Pakistan and came back to Qatar. Everyone kept calling him and after a point when his family realized that he is not going to go back, they just got him divorced by sending him the divorce papers and getting it signed. Anyhow since then he does not have a good relation with his family.

So before our rishta happened Ali and his mom told us about this story but they did not say that he got married, instead they said that he was called to Pakistan but he did not get married instead he ran away from the marriage hall. So the nikah and divorce part was not told to me from him and his family side - he hid this from us and told us the incomplete story. So after the rishta happened he used to come to my house, spend time with my family, and talk to us. Everything was going well and at the same time Ali was looking for job because before marriage he had to get job and get a house. My whole family was very happy with the rishta even though he was not working, he is not well educated too he has just finished his high school and i am a diploma and bachelor degree holder, also his family was not very very happy from heart with this rishta cause I was very different from his family. But still my family ignored all these things and accepted him because he was a very good person by heart and that is what my parents liked about him.

Last month I was telling Ali about my friend's story that how my friend's husband lied to her and how my friend divorced him. Ali got scared and worried after listening to this and then he told me the truth that "I did not run away from the marriage hall, in real I got married to my cousin and than ran from there otherwise they would kill me so that is why I did anything and everything I could to escape from there". When I asked why did he lie and not tell me such a big thing earlier, he said because he was scared to lose me that is why. So I went and told this to my mom and my mom spoke to Ali and said to give us 10 days because my mom wanted to do istikhara.

But this one lie had changed everything. My family's point of view completely changed about him and they all started hating him and his family. Though after that the way he used to come to my mom dad and family and cry and ask for apology was very unbelievable because one thing I know any other guy would not bow down so much and go off his limit and beg my family, since a guy's ego is very important to him but Ali kept all that aside and did everything he could. But till those 10 days Ali used to everyday call my mom, cry to her on the phone and say sorry. He knew he did a big mistake and he was accepting it and was very sorry for it. So when we did istikhara now it came no. So my mother broke the rishta. But i don't know why i still feel there is something somewhere wrong. I don't know what is right and what is wrong. I still don't feel satisfied. Ali still calls me, messages me and tells me that he is going to work hard till a year and do everything possible and come back after a year and ask my mom for rishta again. But i don't know if that is right or not. I don't know if i should trust him or not. When my mom asked his mom that why did you guys lie, his mom was very normally and casually saying that is past please forget it bla bla. My mom says forget all this and move ahead. But Ali says he wants to try again after one year.

I am also surprised about the fact that before we did istikhara for rishta twice, one was during the marriage proposal and another istikhara was just a few months back randomly and they both came yes. My mom also asked allot of Mulla's about this proposal and about Ali and everyone said that the boy is very nice the proposal is very nice and i will be very happy with him. Now when this lie has come out all of a sudden the istikhara is coming no and also my mom when again to ask mulla's so now they all are saying no the boy family is not nice and this proposal is not nice so the girl should not go in that family where as these were the same mulla's who gave a positive answer before!


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6 Responses »

  1. Sister you must understand how istighaarah works. I don't want to sound patronising but often in asian cultures the way istighaarah is done is that a person expects to see dreams or signs of some sort telling them what decision to make. This is completely incorrect and is a mis-application of istighaara! many families have been destroyed due to this, many bad and regretable decisions have been made purely on the basis of dreams and other signs. I urge you not to make the same mistakes.

    The way istighaara is meant to be done (and it was a shock to me also when i first found out a few years ago) is that a person simply does the prayer and asks Allah 'whatever is best for me let that happen and whatever is bad for me distance me from it and it from me'. After that a person simply makes a decision and goes for it knowing that they have prayed to Allah to bless their decision.

    For example i'm contemplating going to uni a 3rd time and studying after two previous failed experiences at university. Now all im expected to do is to make the istighaara by asking Allah that if its the right thing for me then get me to uni and onto the right degree..if it is not right for me then replace it with something better. After that I make my decision ( i don't base it on dreams) and have faith that watever the outcome it is best for me.
    that is how it should be done.

    as far as why the 1st time it came out as yes and now as no that should prove to you that dreams are baseless (yes its hard to believe coz in asian cultures thats how its done but its wrong). our dreams are affected by our emotions and when you hope or expect to see something in a dream you probably will see it. Why on earth would Allah show you a positive dream first and then a negative one? what sense does that make? if you really want i can email you the lecture by the sheikh who gave a talk on this subject. its very informative and you'll learn a lot insha allah (as i did). the lecture isn't on youtube so if you want to listen to it just ask me.

    anyway, as far as his 'lie' is concerned i think you should give him a chance. Yes lying never sets a good precedence and it creates doubts but lets face it finding the right person to marry is hard work. i have a sister who is looking to get married but it is so difficult to find someone suitable. so my advice is don't throw it away. First no one is absolutely perfect and secondly although he should have told you form the start I think it seems like he was genuinely worried about the stigma that comes with being divorced. I think it would be silly to cast someone aside just on that basis.

    But please do not mis-apply the istighaara. if you want to hear the full lecture on it like i said just ask me and i'll send it to you insha allah.

    • MashaAllah brother Isa, you have given the complete advice, JazakAllahu Khair. Sometimes I wonder when I hear people saying the Istikharah came "YES" or "NO". I don't know where they are getting such believes from.

      So why didn't it come "NO" before the brother revealed the truth? Or is it because the brother was a good person when he lied, and then became a bad person when he said the truth?

  2. Asalamu aleikum sis
    u already got nice advice from the brothers here to add on that sister i kindly advice you to look for a pious religious husband who will bring you closer to Allah,and once again istikhara is not about adream dear it is asking for Allahs guidance in whatever u intend to do,sister please turn to Allah before u return to him holding degree in this world is meanigless compared to what Allah has promised us in d hereafter,Allah most high knows best,

    your sister in faith hamida

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    MashaAllah, the brothers who have already posted have given excellent advice about istikhara. You might also want to read the resources available on this website to learn more about it.

    With regards your relationship with Ali, I think the only people who can truly make the decision about marriage are you, him and your wali - not your mum, his mum, a person on the internet, or anyone else. Forced and coerced marriages do happen, sadly, and go completely against Islamic guidance on marriage. It may indeed be the case that Ali feared for his life if he did not go through with the wedding.

    If you still want to consider the proposal, why not ask your wali to meet with Ali in private? The two of them can then talk things through without interruptions, and your wali can challenge him about the new concerns your family has. If your wali is then satisfied that he is sincere, then maybe you could try to rebuild trust and proceed with your plans for nikah. If your wali doesn't feel Ali's answers are sufficient and that he is not a suitable husband, then you can move forward with your own life, trusting your wali to have your best interests at heart.

    One major concern I would have is whether you and Ali could be placing yourselves at risk of harm - if he feared he would be killed, then has he taken steps to protect himself and you from those people? What role have his immediate family played in this? It might be worth looking into his family a bit more, and ensuring that your wali investigates these issues.

    May Allah guide you to what is best for you in this life and the next, and protect you from harm.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Salam Amna,

    I really like the reply from Isa, I think he said it all. I would also like to give "Ali" another chance. He at least is honest with you before the marriage. He could have hid it forever but he didn't. He felt uncomfortable with it and it meant the lies bother him too. He is not a professional liar.

    About istikhara, I also want to echo that istikhara is not about a dream or some mysterious signs that you will see. When I heard some muslims told me that I can do istikhara (see a dream and sort of directions about my decisions) or to pray a certain prayer (after mid night before sunrise) to ask for things AND Allah will answer that. I just found it so superstitious and "creepy" even though I were a new convert at that time. I just pray and ask Allah to guide me to the right choice. Also base on what I gather and known of at that time to make a better decision. As I believe that no matter what you choose, it is not the end of your life. Allah will guide you and continuously guiding you as long as you pray to him.

    Sometimes when I read the posts here about istikhara and it described about what dreams they had and so on and so far. I just think it makes muslims sound like a bunch of uneducated folks or simply minded people worshipping a stone or something. I really hope muslims should have a better understanding of istikhara.


  5. AsSalamu Alayikum sister.

    I am just going to add. that if he didnt care for you, , like you said,'' he would not put himself or hie ego down, to you or your family''. And after the rishta being broken, he still has hope. now thats Faith...
    and note that he is not talking about taking you to his house. he wants to get a job to support you. he wants a real life with you. SubhanaALLAH
    so you like basically answered your own concerns. I agree with what the others are saying.
    And were so busy living our life of choices we for get the ones that dont get these choices in life.
    A rule for happyness is Always be Gratefull for everything. You have a loving Guy at your doorstep.dont turn him back. We live in the 21Century. no one over cares anymore.
    Put your trust in ALLAH PAK... Life is a big test. and Safar. to the next life.
    and what better way to take this test hand in hand with a loving spouse that will go the extra mile to make sure we reach our destination. no one wants to take lifes Safar (journey) alone... Heck no one wants to take any journey alone...
    it looks like he cares for you alot. AlHAmdulillah...
    I pray you find Happyness. and ALLAH showers his blessings upon you...
    just dont give up a good guy over a dream...

    A Well Wisher...
    ALLAH nee HAwaleh

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