Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Beginning to believe, where do I start?

I am a 26 year old man. I had taken the shahada at a mosque about a year ago, but soon fell into doubt about the existence of Allah and stopped practicing and praying. I also considered my roots in Christianity. I've committed some bad sins such as sex with a prostitute and even expiremented with a gay sexual relationship. I also have the habit of masturbating to pornography and am a heavy cigarette smoker. I want to change, but I don't believe I am strong enough to change all at once. I want to be married to a wife and have children in the future. I don't know much about what is halal and haram when it comes to meeting women, or how I should pursue marriage in the future. The biggest problem I have is that I sometimes have doubts about a higher power or Islam.

How do I strengthen my faith and not doubt?

How do I change, gradually, or all at once as far as masturbation and cigarette smoking?

I am worried I will get involved with the mosque and soon fall into doubt, and not commit to praying/participating. Also, I am trying to find a job, but am worried employers will not allow me to pray the 5 daily prayers. Please give me some advice.

Thank you for your understanding and time.


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam Alaikum

    Doubt is not harmful until you fail to seek answers and knowledge after having doubt. So you must ask yourself are you actively seeking knowledge and answers to address the doubts you are having?
    There are a plethora of resources out there.

    Regarding your past, Islam is beautiful in that your past sins are wiped clean after you take the shahada. You are like a new born. Dont dwell on the past only to live in regret. But focus on not repeating the past. You got a freebie basically. You've done what you've done but now after your reverting to Islam your sins have been wiped clean.

    Porn and cigarettes are a journey. Cigarette require more than just will power, you need to change your body by eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, working out, then you need to change the triggers that cause you to smoke.

    These triggers include:
    what makes you smoke - ie stress? leisure? other smokers? movies where they smoke? nicotine addiction?

    , where you are when you smoke - dont go to those places until you have quit,

    who you are with when you smoke - bird of a feather flock together, if you aren't smoking but your buddies are, guess what you hanging out with them will have you smoking again. they will offer, you wont turn it down, the cycle starts.

    what are you doing when you smoke - perhaps you like smoking while reading a book, or playing a video game, well then dont do those things anymore.

    regarding porn - bro really there are three things you can here. Get your salaat in order. Make it the number 1 priority in your daily life. Lower your gaze. Its hard, but you have to start one chick at a time. One set of great legs or cleavage or pretty face / body at a time. the third is taqwa or God consciousness. when you are all alone with those lovely ladies, hurting your soul remember that while there is no one watching, your Lord is watching. Watching your mind, your heart and your body. but dont think this way just when you get to watching porn, this is how it is all the time. 24x7. so practice is before you get to that dark place where you need to watch the porn. again this is a struggle a long battle. you win some you lose some. but you keep fighting.

    i myself struggle with porn, cigarettes. but the disease is greatly reduced because of what i have shared with you. The biggest factor was my prayers. I made them my focus. Make them yours as well.

    May Allah swt guide us both and help us in our struggles and forgives our slips.

  2. Salaam Alaikum

    The sins before you reverted have been wiped clean with you taking the shahada.

    rejoice in that.

    Regarding cigarettes, there are plenty of sites and programs to help quit smoking. Making the intention to quit smoking, pray that you quit smoking and follow a program that will help you quit smoking.

    Leave the habits, places and people that enable you to smoke. Eat better, drink more water, lots of water. Change the way you live will be the one of the ways to quit smoking

    Porn is a struggle. Develop Taqwa. God is always watching our bodies, minds and souls. So he knows what we are doing. So be aware of him when you are in your dark place getting ready to have some fun. Remind yourself its not fun but rather damage to your own soul and if Allah could speak to you at that moment what would he say after seeing you watch porn.

    Change your habits and surrounding to make these changes.

    I know, i struggle with the same things. These changes make a difference.

    The most important of all these things: your salaat. Own your salaat and establish the prayer. Worry about your salaat more than you worry about making a buck or eating a meal.

    perfect your salaat. Pray in jamaat.
    Spend more time at the masjid, surround yourself with others of good character.

    Regarding your doubt, doubt is ok if you seek knowledge after having doubt. So go seek knowledge to address this doubt. Doubt creates questions, seek the answers from the Quran and sunnah. Its all there. Find it.

    May Allah swt guide us both out of our dark places and into the light and among those who are successful as per the Quran.

  3. Asalamualaykum.

    SubhanAllah. Welcome to islam, Eddy.

    The reason why doubts begin to come to mind is because Islam is the true religion and the shaitan tries to use every power of his might to stop a person from worshipping the one true god that created everything that exists.

    ‘Then I will come to them from before them and behind them, from their right and from their left, and You will not find most of them as thankful ones (i.e. they will not be dutiful to You)’”

    [al-A‘raaf 7:16-17].

    When we pray salah and read the quran or do anything else to worship Allah with all our heart, we have all sorts of thoughts and plans which distract us. And when we stop worshipping, we don't have as much thoughts. This is a sign that this religion is the one and true religion. Those thoughts are the shaitans means from distracting you from the path of Allah.

    I would recommend you to gain more knowledge of islam now too. Sadly in this time rarely anyone reads about islam studies it and implies it to their daily lives. And Insha'Allah, when you come to know more about islam some day, no matter what the whispers of the shaitan will be, you will be able to keep the distance from him. Know that Allah is watching everything you are doing and your deeds are being written down. Your deeds are the only things that will be bought on the day of judgement to help you, and Insha'Allah if you did good it in this world you will be given Jannah- the place where you will have eternal peace and joy and will have anything you want with no worries, stress, depression, illness, nothing.

    Lastly, this is one of my favourite lectures by Abdal Hakikm Murad:// and i want you to listen to it.

    May Allah make you a stronger and knowledgeable muslim, Ameen.

    • I also want to add that it is the month of Ramadan brother and in this month there is a big chance you can improve your relationship with Allah Subhanahuwata'aalah.

      "O you who believe! fasting is prescribed for you, as it was prescribed for those before you, so that you may safeguard (against evil)." (Surah Al Bakarah 183)

      Now that you have become a muslim, Alhamdulilah, it is prescribed upon you to fast in this month of ramadan.

      What is fasting exactly?

      When we fast we not only fast just for the sake of retaining food and water completely until Maghrib. We fast so that we become a lot closer to Allah every year so that we can protect ourselves from evil.

      When we fast, we lower our gaze from looking at forbidden things, we restrain from backbiting, swearing, immodesty, every type of immoral sin, we must even refrain from halal relations with our spouse. All of these break your fast.

      While we fast, we also worship Allah as much as we possibly can yearning for the mercy of Allah, acceptance of all the good deeds and repentance.

      Also, please repent to Allah subhanahuwata'alah for commiting zina. It is a major sin and not to be taken lightly. Stay away from it completely and it is not hard at all if you follow Allah's command by lowering your gaze and being modest. Never go back to that sin again ever.

      "And do not go near zina. It is indeed a shameful and an evil path."

      (Surah Al Isrâ’, Ayah 32)

      Allah does not just say do not commit zina, he also tells us don't not even go near it. This shows how evil this sin is.

      If you believe that you have done wrong and wish to repent and never turn back to it then subhanAllah,

      "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." Surah Az-Zumar (39:53)

      ".. Except those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful. (Surah Al- Furq'an 5:25:70)

      "..So do not fear the people but fear Me, and do not exchange My verses for a small price. And whoever does not judge by what Allah has revealed – then it is those who are the disbelievers." (Surah Al Maidah 5:44)

      Remember, this dunya (worldly life) Is just a trial. It is not the reality. Example like when a traveller drives with his family to a beautiful location but the kids want to stop to relieve themselves. Eventually the kids become hooked in what they find in the place they stopped to take a break and don't want to leave. But the parents tell them that they are being taken to a much better place than this but the kids don't believe them.

      This is what the dunya is like. And we are only here for a short time. It's not eternal. We belong to Allah and to him we will return.

      "It is he who created death and life to test which of you are best in deeds, for he is the Almighty, the Forgiving." (Surah al-Mulk 67:2)

      "Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return." ( Surah Al Baqarah 156)

      May Allah protect you, make you stronger and forgive all of your sins, ameen.

  4. I'm happy to see the compassionate, useful and non-judgmental replies to this post, ma-sha-Allah. Thanks to all of you, may Allah reward you.

    Wael Editor

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