Worried about being a second wife
A Muslim family
Asalaam Aleikum brothers and sisters
Am a moslim lady above 30years in love with a moslim man slightly older than me
i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. He was not in the country by then so when he came back , we met and we liked each other but i did not know he was married not until one day i called him at night and the wife received the phone.
i was so dissapointed because he did not tell me he was married in the first place yet i was already in love with him. he explained everything to me after confronting him, i understood him but was hurt because i was not prepared for it and did not expect anything like that.
My problem is i have failed to accept the fact that am going to be asecond wife
i love him so very much and we are planning to start up a family together
How can i learn to live with it because am not backing out? help me learn to live with it
- hatma
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Assalamualaikum Hatma,
First of all meetings you held were inappropriate in religious view. You should have had a mahram from your side when you met him. Secondly, did you try to understand why he did not tell you about his wife? Was he afraid that he would scare you off, did he intend to take you as a second wife? Or did he have haraam intentions? Allah Knows Best and the answer matters a lot in your choice, your future.
If you are determined that you want to marry him and you are convinced about him and his intentions, you are allowed to marry him as per the sharee'ah. But you should be prepared to face a lot of jealousy along with the co-wife. If the man can not deal with both of you justly, he should not be marrying you. If he can, he may.
But remember, never ask him to leave his first wife, nor create any misunderstanding between them, instead, be with her like a sister.
Remember what Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said:
Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``No woman should ask for the divorce of her sister (in religion) in order to spill what is in her container.'' ( Sahih) (Tirmidhi)
and
Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``Let not any woman ask for the divorce of her sister, so that she may empty her sister's plate. And let her marry, for she will get what is decreed for her.'' ( Sahih - Abu Dawood)
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, you don't have to try to force yourself in to being okay with polygamy. Some people just aren't cut out for it and that's okay. Just because you're in love with this man doesn't mean you HAVE to be wth him, regardless of everything. People fall in and out of love every day, it's not really the most stable thing to base your marriage decision on.
What worries me is that this man never even told you about his first wife - if you hadn't randomly found out about her, he would probably have married you without even telling you anything. Aren't you scared that he might keep other things from you, too? Does his wife even know about her? Remember, what he hides from her, he could be hiding from you, too, if you marry him. Consider that, sister.
I agree.... I am afraid that even if you marry he may keep this marriage as a secret.
Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
why did he not tell you that he is already married ??
u said "i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. "
was he married before knowing you??
I am sorry for what your going through. Please rethink your decision about marrying him my sister. Find out more about him what type of person he is. Ask your parents to research about it. And does his wife know that he was communicating with you ?
Just imagine this you were his wife and you see him chatting/talking with another woman and looking at her pictures. subhanAllah.
what is the guarantee that he will not communicate with a third woman after marrying you?
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions
First of all I don't uave anything against polygamy, as Allah SWT himself allows it.
But I HATE liars, cheaters and deceivers.
The fact that he hid his marital intentions shows what kind of person he is. Forget about him sister, there are plenty of other better Muslim brothers out there. Keep trust in Allah and you'll find a better man.
This man isn't worth a second look. He's a liar, deceiver and is cheating his wife. I wonder how he would feel if his wife was doing this behind his back with another guy and was planning on divorcing this man to marry the other man.
And even if polygamy is permissible in Islam, does not mean that you do not take his first wife's feelings into consideration. Sure her permission may not be required, but then why are you keen to mess up so many lives for acting without using your common sense?
Are you 100% sure that he just has one more wife besides the current wife? naa.. I ain't suspecting, however, I strongly suggest that you investigate a bit more about this man.
What did he explain to you in this conversation ?
If you accept this marriage then it is manifest that your rational faculty has gone a vacation. He lied to you and his wife. Love is bling and you always fall in love. It is time that you rise in love. he is a lesson and not a blessing. I've often heard people say that love is unconditional. However, Love actually is sacrifice. If you truly love him then you should let him go for his first wife.
I also have nothing against polygamy. It was the deception this man used. Had you been aware of the first wife in the beginning, it is easier to make a conscious decision. Don't rush into marriage. Romantic love comes and goes. It is not the basis for a long-standing marriage. Being a second wife has its benefits. You have the stability of a husband but the focus is not all on you. Other wives can alleviate the time spent with the man and you would have more time for the kids should you choose to have a family. Be well and talk to people in your community who have nothing to gain from this marriage. Outside opinions can give more insight than our own hearts.
You have to accept him as it is that`s the only way...Do take this thing in consideration that y is he marrying u??? Islam allows it but islam also says if u can do justice to both wife n that many men dont...Consider these factor before u take a decision and u have to accept the fact that u r going to be his 2nd wife and there is no bad in that.
Well first off, its not good to HATE anybody. I don't hate people who practice polygamy. I just disrespect people who LIE about whether or not they want to practice it...
You don't have to live the same life as another person. We all have our own life to live, with our own preferences. Some people are doctors. Some lawyers. Some computer engineers. Some construction workers. Some work in food service. Some in the military. Some are teachers. Some stay home with the children. Some like to live in the country, and some like to live in the city. Some like the desert, and some like the ocean. Some want one child, some want 10 children.
Some people LOVE sex so much they need multiple partners to be happy (and by the way, that's not just a man thing, I know women who love it that much too).
And some people really just don't care (yes, there are MEN who really don't care, I know a few).
The other thing we need to remember is, every marriage is different. Every woman/wife is different. Some women never really fall in love much... Maybe they "care for" a man, but they are never truly IN LOVE with him. Maybe they are a widow and they just need financial support and a home to live in. Maybe they only want a couple of children to love, and really don't care about a romantic life. Maybe they just want a "sugar daddy" to spoil them and spend money on them. Those kinds of women really don't care if their husband wants another wife, because she really does not have a lot of "closeness and devotion" needs toward her man. So yeah, she will be fine with it.
But a woman who is truly in love... The thought of her man with another woman makes her so sad and miserable, it completely breaks her heart into a million pieces! She can't eat, she can't sleep. She finds no more joy in life. She wants to cry herself to death. Sometimes she considers suicide. She feels like a tank is rolling over her body all the time. She honestly and truly CANNOT BEAR IT.
Well in the case of the second woman... It simply is not right that anyone should ask her to live that way forever. Why would you want to hurt another human being that badly? To get revenge on her? To punish her because she doesn't do everything you want her to do all the time? For heaven's sake, it would be kinder to divorce her, so she can at least have a chance to find her "Knight", a man who feels the same about her!
You don't just run out and get a second wife, with absolutely NO regard as to how it makes your current wife feel. That is thoughtless, immature, and rash. If there is a really big problem in your marriage, so big that its got you looking for someone else, then you need to sit down and discuss that. Try to fix it. And if you can't then discuss "other solutions" like divorce, or polygamy. You need to find out how she feels about polygamy, and whether or not she is ok with it. If she's not, then you can either find a way to fix your problem, or get a divorce.
Granted, some (extremely rare) men practice polygamy because they see it like a charity. Like he will be perfectly happy with his first wife, but he takes a second wife who is older and a widow, because she has nobody. Or he marries a woman who is poor and starving on the streets, just to give her a home.
But you still need to DISCUSS that before marriage.
And what's more-- if you are so kind and giving, and you have LOTS of extra money, but polygamy breaks your wife's heart-- then why don't you consider supporting a charity? Or if you are so generous to marry a woman and give her a home to live in... Why don't you skip the marriage part, and just give her the home? Be a nice person! Keep the love and heart of your wife, and still be giving and charitable to others. Who says you have to marry everybody you are charitable to???
Look, any man who can run out and do something against his wife's will, which causes her heart to break, and not feel bad about it... Well sorry, but he is just not a nice man. Not a merciful man. Not a considerate man. You cannot hurt somebody for selfish reasons, and call it "good".
If you want polygamy so much, you should have married a woman who was ok with it in the first place. Don't break a devoted, loving woman's heart. Don't hurt innocent people.
Don't LIE about your plans and intentions during engagement!
And on that note-- Polygamy is either something you are interested in, or its not. And it may not be forbidden, but its CERTAINLY NOT obligatory either (although many men try to twist religious words to make it SOUND obligatory, because they want everyone to agree with them). The bottom line is, if something is NOT obligatory, then it is open for negotiation in the marriage contract.
The only things you absolutely CANNOT negotiate over in a marriage contract, are things that are required (like praying). You cannot demand that your spouse does not pray.
But polygamy is NOT required. Because of that, a woman is 100% within her rights to specify being the only wife in a marriage contract. That doesn't mean you are forced to live that way, if you cannot tolerate it. If you don't like it, then don't marry her! Go find a woman who doesn't mind it. Very simple.
Polygamy is not an idea that just "springs up" on you one day, from nowhere, lol. Its a pretty deeply rooted desire, and it does not develop over night. Its in a person's nature, or its not. And yes, there are MANY men who really do not want polygamy. Every person's nature is different.
We all know at a fairly early age whether or not we would be willing to live a lifestyle like that... So this really needs to be discussed before marriage. And you really shouldn't be lying about it.
Too many men will take interest in a lady... And she will ask before marriage "Do you want polygamy?" And he (wanting her) will say "Nooooo, no, I only want ONE wife." And really, in the back of his mind, he is lying to her. Because he intends to introduce the idea later, after marriage.
These men are being VERY selfish, and lying to women. Just because they want that woman. And they really don't care what she likes, needs, or wants, or what hurts her... Because they only care about themselves.
Well you should not be signing a marriage contract over a LIE. And yes, it is a lie, because I do not believe that one day its not in your nature or dreams, but the next day it is. The only people who claim otherwise, are people who are trying to lie their way into a marriage. In my opinion, a marriage contract that was built on critical lies-- is 100% VOID. And even in some divorce courts, it is.
So be honest during engagement. You know what you are willing to do, and not willing to do. Discuss it before marriage. And don't lie to people. Trust me, when you do it the RIGHT way, you will be much happier in the end. You can avoid all these fights, and broken hearts, and crying, and divorce... And just live the life that makes you happy.
As salaamu alaykum. I couldn't disagree more with your comment regarding the difference between women who are in love with their husbands versus those that care for their husbands and that the difference has a bearing on who can/will accept their husbands having another wife. I love my husband dearly, yet I WANT him to have another wife, insha Allah.
Run ....these are my words....run away as fast as U can.he is a liar,a cheat and doesn't deserve U.im in a polygamous marriage,I knew my hubby was married since day one,so it ain't fair on U or her.gd luck.
If he wasn't honest with you to begin with, then what makes you think that he will be honest with you at all? Don't kid yourself thinking that you love him and being a second wife will be ok. It won't be ok. Ask Allah for a better man and inshallah you'll get a better brother for marriage. His first wife might not know a thing about you, too. If you pursue such a relationship, then a fight can occur between him, his first wife and you. And you don't want that to happen do you? Leave him alone and supplicate to Allah. Allah will grant you someone honest and better than him inshallah
As Salam alaykoum
Assalamu alaikum sister,
First off, you arent married yet..so you dont HAVE to accept his proposal..you are in NO WAY OBLIGATED...if you KNOW you arent going to be happy in this sort of arrangement dont do it..and also..if a man cannot be honest in his intentions then..i would question marrying him in the first place.being in this sort of marriage is a choice..it isnt an obligation and ALLAHswt doesnt demand you do it. if he didnt respect how you would feel and tell you this is what he wanted...then why should you marry him?>
i am a second wife..my husband was married a few years before i met him.he married w/n his culture in a sort of arrangement and he married me based on love later.i have been married for nearly 3years now and have five children with him.looking back...if i could change my life..i wouldnt do this again ever. its too emotionally trying and to be honest unless you are rich the men nowadays find it hard to pay for two houses for many different educations, for maintenance, health fees etc.Majority of people i know with second wives get help from the govt bcos the men cant affrod what THEY SAID they could..the only reason i dont divorce is becos my husband can take care of all my expenses and the children and he loves them and takes good care of them...i wish i coudl say the same for many others..its just easier to get a husband that wants one wife. if you live in western soceity its just to expensive.but its your choice. think wisely.its harder to get out of once you are in it.