Islamic marriage advice and family advice

After two divorces, is it ok for me to consider being a second wife?

second wife polygamy

ASSALAMUALAIKUM

I am a 28 years old lady. I have completed MBBS and presently working as a  Government doctor. My parents got me married in 2008 May and I got divorced within 1 month because the person I married was not manly and he used to torture me.

Later on I got married in 2009 again with an impotent who doesn't care about me, and I got divorced within 2 months. From that time I lost interest in marriage and I was continuing with my career as I am a doctor by profession.

But recently I met a person in my journey to whom I was attracted. He is a muslim but married and having two daughters. He being a mechanical engineer, also been attracted to me and my profession. And he proposed me. He wants me to be his second wife. He says a muslim man can marry again and its no sin. I hope he would be a suitable partner to me.

Is it good for me to marry him?

~ Rahmath

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12 Responses »

  1. Where is his first wife? And if he can treat you both equally with the same respect and love then ofcourse you two can get married.

  2. Walaikum salam sister,
    Short answer to your question is that "no one can predict the future or how this brother will treat you in future". Only Allah (swt) has the knowledge of unseen, meaning how a person is going to behave; however their are things which if considered honestly can save the heartache in the long run especially for the women involved. Their are sisters who are in monogamous relationships and are living miserable and then you have sisters who are in polygamous relationships and are living happy, fulfilling lives where they are respected, nourished, cared and looked after by their husbands AND vice versa. It depends upon the brother, how he treats his wives and how much support he has from both wives because marriage is a partnership where everyone has to give their best, be honest, caring and love each other unconditionally.
    If all the boundaries and requirements set by Islam are observed honestly then such marriages can and should work. Your wali should make inquiries about this brother, like his background, his living arrangements, whether he is able to support both families, MOST IMPORTANTLY whether all his family (parents, wife and children) know that he is looking for a second wife and are in agreement with him? These are some of the question you should ask and think long and hard before taking the final step.
    Then, you should ask yourself that, can you deal with being a second wife. Can you support him emotionally when things are not going well. I say this because many men/women jump the gun and later on face a lot of problems because of lack of support from their partners.

    I will also add that, almost all men suffer from impotence sometime in their life but getting divorced on these ground just only after 2 months is not a valid reason. Women go through times where they simply don't want to be touched let alone being intimate; should they be divorced? Off course not sister, marriage is like "work in progress" which never stops.
    Finally, why haven't you searched for a single/divorced/widowed/separated brother? I mean, I understand that getting married after 2 divorces is more difficult especially for women but one must try as you are just 28. I hope I have helped you iA and if I have missed anything then other brother/sisters will help you out with them but do write back if you need further help iA.

    I am pasting a link to a blog which is run by a sister who is in polygamous relationship herself. A lot of sisters have shared their experience in being such relationships both positive/negative which might help you make the right decision.

    http://polygamy411.com/

    Be careful though, their are a lot of men out their who take advantage of vulnerable women (Muslim/non-Muslim).

    May Allah (swt) help you make the right choice for this life and hereafter. Amin

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • @Muhammad1982

      Sister who got divorced had valid reasons as you marry to love each other, if the other person isn’t enough it is better to let them go, she had tried to make it work just faith at that time wasn’t with her you don’t know what you get until you in the situation or in a marriage. Sister clearly wasn’t happy so she did have a valid reason in my opinion. I am sorry but it is always a woman who suffers why would she continue in a marriage if it wasn’t valid and she’s not clearly happy. I know people divorce on unfair grounds but this isn’t something you take lightly for ones to go through it is very difficult and sad. I wish this sister does find someone suitable, yes she can marry this man, but family involvement is important too.

      I would advise this sister to think it through carefully men do take advantage of women they don’t always keep their promises. It is easy for them to remarry but women need family's approval whatever you do get your family to check his family out and if he can afford to keep you happy. I wish you the best inshallah

  3. asalamalaikum,

    i agree with you samina.rahmath i will advise the same as samina.
    May Allah give you happiness of marriage.

  4. Salaam sister Rahmath,

    I suggest you do istikhaarah first and make enquiries about this man in an Islamic manner.
    Please scroll to the top of the page and click on the 'Istikhaarah Qs and As link and read each one carefully before proceeding. It is essential it is done correctly.

    It is something you need to be careful about and be very honest with yourself. You need to establish first of all whether or not he is a suitable partner. If his wife knows he is seeking a second wife and whether she is willing or not and whether you are 100% willing to 'share' him. It is true that a man does not need his 1st wife permission to marry per-say but a pious, caring man of good character would seek it. And not seeking it would probably cause problems later on.

    Do istikhaarah and seek Allahs counsel for that is the best. Also keep a firm distance from this guy, never ever be alone with him because shaitan is the third if a man and woman are alone. Have a mahram present when you talk if at all possible. If not possible try to avoid personal conversations and avoid being alone with him.

    I strongly advise you not to marry him secretly or behind his 1st wife's back. Dont start any sort of affair and tread with caution. Speak to sisters in polygamous marriages to find out if its for you

    Sara
    IA.com editor

  5. sallam

    sister I dont mean to blame you in any way, but being married and divorced twice in such a short period should raise alram bells!

    i think your doing something wrong

    1. rusing into marriage and you dont check the person proeperly before marriage
    2. trusting soemoen to arrage it and not making the effort yourself to see who he is are we compatible etc
    3. maybe your sabotaging your own marriages, like your not happy and you find an excuse to leave the guys easily!

    really pray and reflect before you make any hasty decidions, i know there is a hadith about this but i cant remember it exactly and i dont want to qute something incorrectly or give wrong advice astakfirullah!

    take care

    Allah hafiz

  6. I agree with broken brain I think you should not rush your self to get married man talk so sweet and kind to you ontill you say yes to them then is a different store, please make sure your parents check his family background to see if there good family then marry him.

  7. Salaams,

    I think this is a matter of personal choice, and what you are comfortable with. I agree with some of the posters above who have pointed out that being married twice, and both marriages not lasting long, might lend to some inexperience on your part for a matter as complicated and potentially stressful as polygamy.

    However, not all women can even entertain the idea of being someone's second wife, so if you are comfortable with it, then perhaps it's better suited to you than trying to find another man who would be "the one".

    In the end, the decision is about what you are happy with, and what you feel is going to bring you closer to Allah and improve you as a person. No one can really make that judgment but you. Pray istikhara and move forward in the best direction you feel led toward.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. As Salaam Alaikum.

    I was in almost the same situation sister. I was 29 with three children and two failed marriages. I thought that I could handle polygyny as I was doing it for the sake of Allah swt only and thought I had found a really good brother who could be a great example for my boys. Almost two years has past and I am very stressed out. My parents/friends tried to convince me that I should look for someone single but I persisted. The brother I married is financially strapped even though he told me that he could afford another wife. He also has a very bad lying problem. At this point I feel used because he says I make his first marriage better he is always doing less for me and more for her and makes excuses as to why this is acceptable. to make a long story short--it all sounds good but I was strongly urge you to make Istakara about this situation. Then seek good advice from muslims who know you well. Then if you still feel compelled PLEASE PLEASE take your time and get to know this brother. See what his true character is...try to talk to the first wife and people who know their family. see what he is all about. After almost two years I have only met my husbands mother ONCE and talked to his father on the phone a few times. I have never met any of his sisters. even amongst the muslims it seems people look down on the second wife like she is an adultress...I have bad things being said about me in the community and I feel sad and depressed a lot. And I just wanted to please Allah. Please make duaa for me but I use my situation caution you to please SEEK ALLAH THUROUGHLY BEFORE MAKING ANY DECISION. Allah swt may have better for you than this.

    • Its really upsetting to hear that sister I think people in our Muslim community have a negative view on pologamy anyway because of the way in which it is practised by many Muslim men.

      BTW your his co-wife forget first and second you both have the same rights.

  9. Its halal but he approached you in an Unislamic way was his wife involved in any of this?

  10. My partner of 4years has married a girl in pakistan to please his family. Although he's sais it was to make his mum happy I feel if he loved me enough he would not have went ahead with it. He says he loves me and that he always wanted to marry me and have a family with me. He says to me that he is allowed to marry me also but I know his family will not approve because his new wife . I don't see any other way around this other then to be his second wife. When I am the person he loves why has there been a stranger put in my place. I am so hurt by this and I know I will never get over him. I'll never stop loving him. But what choice do I have now.

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