Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Being forced to marry but I love someone else

Forced Marriage and Islam

Forced Marriage and Islam

Assalamoaliekum,

I am being forced into a marriage that I don’t want because I love another boy, and he loves me too. My parents don’t approve of him because he is only a year older than me, 21 years and he is not settled yet. He also has older siblings unmarried and that is why his mother does not want to think about his marriage yet. He tried approaching my father and my uncle, both of whom refused to talk or listen to him.

My parents have been forcing me to marry the person of their choice when I know that I cannot make such a marriage work. I know that I have done a haram thing getting into a relationship and I repent for it every day but I also cannot commit myself to a marriage that I cannot bring myself to accept. My parents have beaten me, threatened to disown me or send me back to our home country to marry the boy I love, alone in a masjid so that I can see how harsh life can be. They scream at me every day even when I try to help them in every way that I can. My father even said he would divorce my mother if I don’t agree.

I also want to bring to notice that I have been engaged previously to my cousin, which lasted for 4 years and did not work out because of misunderstandings between the families and both me and the boy. My ex in-laws wanted me not to pursue higher education after high school even when I had 3 years until the wedding. I obeyed my parents when they stopped my education and also obeyed them against my will when they asked me to talk to my ex-fiancé and make things better. My parents blame me for breaking the engagement because I told them I cannot live with a man who does not respect me from even before the marriage.

Now they curse me, call me bad names, and give me baddua’s that I may never be happy if I don’t fulfil their wishes. They’ve said that I have ruined their happiness and their wishes of being proud in the “khandaan” (extended family). They have also said that I will not have any children with the person I want to marry, and that he would leave me and made Allah witness to this.

I have been terribly depressed. I know I have committed a sin being in a relationship but I cannot be in a forced marriage and ruin the life of someone who didn’t have any idea. I understand that marriage is a great commitment and responsibility where two people start a life together, and are as close as two human beings could be. I cannot make this marriage work with someone else when I love another person. Please guide me, am I being disobedient by refusing my parents. And If I do refuse the marriage, would I never be happy because of my parent’s baddua’s?

JazakAllah Khair.

aimenn

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

20 Responses »

  1. Now they curse me, call me bad names, and give me baddua’s that I may never be happy if I don’t fulfil their wishes. They’ve said that I have ruined their happiness and their wishes of being proud in the “khandaan” (extended family). They have also said that I will not have any children with the person I want to marry, and that he would leave me and made Allah witness to this.

    If the person you are in a relationship with is Really serious about wanting to be with you then he needs to man up and make you his wife and make everything halaal. And even if he backs out...this still doesn't mean that you should go and marry this other person if your heart is not in it.

    Them cursing you and calling you names just shows their lack of any common sense and its just stupidity (sorry, I know they're you're family)...

    You've ruined 'Their' happiness..?? What about yours..? If you get married to a man you don't love...then you end up leaving him or he leaves you,...and you're labelled a divorcee...what then..?? You need to think about that.

    Think about what is worse for you and will you be able to live with...? Think...

    And if they're saying that you will have no children with this man etc etc...Only god knows this and they are,..again...stupid for saying this to you...Jaahil. (sorry again, just a little angry)..they don't know what they're talking about...you cant just randomly give badwaas...and it doesn't mean that what they're saying will happen...not at all. It doesn't work like that. trust in HIM.

    Not telling you to be disrespectful.,..Never...if anything, kill them with kindness...

    Don't know what else to say other than to say Good Luck and God bless you.

    Repent for your sins.

    Ramzaan Mubarak! To everyone!

  2. Asalam Alekum
    sister you have done the right thing listening to your parents quit education, this was a worldy passion and Allah love the child that listens to their parents even when they are wrong but not for the Deen.

    Sister my advice is don't marry that boy since it was a relationship.

    Our Ummah is staying back of happiness because we do so many Sins and yet we eagerly want to repent.
    Choose a brother who is religious and is committed to marry whom you think is compatible and make istikhara.
    Marriage is a big step.

    May Allah Subhan wa't'ala make it easy for you

    • Education is not a worldly passion especially if your education improves the lives of others.
      Therefore your statement about Allah loving children who listen to their parents' irrational, unIslamic and baseless claims based on culture doesn't make sense.

    • "sister you have done the right thing listening to your parents quit education, this was a worldy passion and Allah love the child that listens to their parents even when they are wrong "

      This has got to be the most uneducated comment I've ever read. In my life. So what is someone supposed to do then? Just quit education and live a life of rubbish jobs and hardship just because it is a "worldly passion"?

      If that's the case then we as Muslims should just purposely make our lives as hard and as miserable as possible.

  3. Oh my goodness. I'm sorry to say but your parents behaviour is irrational. Why on earth are they cursing you this way? Islamically you have evey right to choose your spouse, the concept of forced marriages doesn't exist! Even during the nikkah process the bride is asked first whether she accepts the marriage, if she doesn't the nikkah can't proceed. Islam has given so many rights to women, why do people keep forgetting this.

    Sister it doesn't matter how much your parents curse you, their wrong. Allah is seeing eveyrhing, their behaviour thierr words, He will protect you. I do think it's wrong to be in a relationship with a non mahram, so if he really does love you and is responsbile he needs to try to convince your family and his own to marry you. If he can't do that then don't pursue a haraam relationship with him. But also, don't agree to a marriage with someone your parents are forcing on you. It's your life, you have a choice.

    I pray Allah swt softens your parents hearts and makes them see sense. Ameen.

  4. Option 1:Leave your boyfriend

    Option 2: Convince your family , and tell him to convince his

    Option 3: Tell your parents you need some time before marriage, during this time your bf can get settled

    Option 4: Get a imam involved to talk some sense in to your parents , and to let them know forced marriage is not allowed, beating you isn't allowed, and giving your threats or blackmailing you isn't allowed in islam either (your father may be giving empty threats when he says he will divorce your mother).

    "They’ve said that I have ruined their happiness and their wishes of being proud in the “khandaan”

    Seems like their wishes and happiness is more cultural oriented , rather then Islamic oriented and trying to do the right thing according to religion, ask them what will they gain by worrying so much about their beloved khandaan. (whatever that is)

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    First of all, I must say that your parents are wrong. Your parents are wrong to make you

    >quit your education
    >talk to your cousin who was your fiancee, but then not entertain the idea of meeting the boy of your choice
    >make baddu'a for you to not be happy if you don't make the, dreaded word alert, "khaandhaan" happy
    >beat you, threaten you, disown you
    >threaten to divorce and end their own relationship

    This is all horrifying to say the least.

    I also must say that it isn't right to have a boyfriend and clearly you recognize that.

    Now, speaking about each of these independently, let me begin with your parents. You should NOT marry anyone for them. Let them threaten you, let them do what they are doing. I can tell you right now that if you go through with all this, your life will only become more miserable. The beating, the disrespect, this sad experience will not get better. So, it is better to simply STAND YOUR GROUND.

    Now, this also doesn't mean that you should have a boyfriend. So, as Br. Demise said above in option 4, get an Imam involved to talk sense to your parents! Which, I have to be honest with you, don't think will work with your parents considering their background. But, at least you would have tried. Once the Imam knows and is involved, you may get some religious advice from him regarding what to do. If the person you want to marry is serious, and it sounds like he is if he was approaching your father, then pray Isthikhara and decide what you want to do.

    Please consider the following:

    Abû Hurayrah relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "If a suitor approaches whose religion and character please you, then let him marry. Otherwise, there will be a lot of immorality and corruption in the world." [Sunan al-Tirmidhî (1084) – authenticated by al-Albânî]

    Sheikh Muhammad b. `Uthaymîn says the following:
    If a woman's guardian prevents her from marrying a suitable partner of good religion and character, then her guardianship is transferred to the next in line for guardianship among her relatives. If all of her guardians – in succession – refuse, as if usually the case in these matters, then guardianship transfers to the Islamic judge who will facilitate the woman's marriage. It is the duty of the judge to get the woman married once the matter comes before him and he knows of her guardians' refusal. This is because the judge has general jurisdiction over the matter once the specific jurisdiction of her blood relatives is annulled.
    The jurists mention that if a guardian repeatedly refuses a woman's qualified suitors, his character is deemed sinful and this disqualifies his guardianship. In fact, according to the established ruling of the Hanbalî school of law, the right of such a man to lead others in prayer is nullified. We can appreciate how serious a matter this is.

    So, you have some homework to do. You have been chosen to face a storm--and those who haven't faced such trials may just tell you to go along with your parents and not realize the gravity of your situation. Dear Sister, I suggest that you do NOT give up. Do not rush into any particular marriage. Despite the emotions that you may be roller coasting through right now, be calm and collected and do not rush into anything. Rushing into marrying according to your parents will bring you misery and a man who wants to keep you uneducated or mistreat you or marry you for the sake of the "khaandhaan" is not going to be God-Fearing. He will, then, therefore, easily mistreat you.

    Even though I feel bad for saying this, but I believe it is better to endure the torment that your parents are putting you through, rather than marrying someone for a quick fix. Also, because there are no guarantees in life, marrying this other boy is a risk that you may take and who knows how it will end up--in the end, I think you need to pursue your education whether you marry the boy of your choice or remain single for now. You are only 20.

    You are valid in your case in NOT listening to your parents' unIslamic advice especially if your father would consider divorcing your mother--or even utter it as a bluff.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, help you through this sorrow and help you towards ease in this time that you are alone, but still Allah swt is with you--which is more than enough. Ameen.

  6. JazakALLAH Khair for your responses. I am praying every day to Allah to guide me. May Allah Bless you all for taking time and being there for me. Aameen!

    I am trying to be kind to my parents no matter what they say. They call me headstrong and selfish for going about my normal routine of college and work and not caring about them. I feel worn out with the struggle. I just need more time which they don't want me to have as I'm 20 years old and they want to also think about my sister who is soon to be 18 (which i think is too young of an age considering my own experience with early engagements) . I'll try to have an imam talk to them. In the end, I am doing istikhara and praying to Allah to make it easier.

    JazakAllah Khair!
    Ramadan Mubarak

    • Yes istikharrah for the boy and basically every decision you need to make in life. Get educated sister, it's for your benefit as a future mom inshaaAllah and financial stability if, God forbid, something unexpected happens.

      • Question about Istikhara, is it better to do it yourself or have someone else do it.
        My parents are adamant to get it done by an imaam for both the proposal and the boy I want to marry and they want me to swear that I would say YES to marrying if the istikhara is positive for the proposal. I don't know what I should say to that. My mother says I would be going against Allah (Naozubillah) if I ignore a positive outcome in the istikhara for the proposal and still stay with my boyfriend.

        JazakAllah Khair

        • There is a link at the top of this page: Isthikhara Questions and Answers.

          Read through it thoroughly.

          From what you have written, your parents, especially your mother are wrong in the way they are going about isthikhara especially about going against Allah swt--they are just manipulating you.

  7. Sister i beg you not to go along with it just to please your parents i made that mkstake i pleased them but i made my life a living hell alhamdulillah my engagement is called off now because i never gave up i spoke to my praenr everyday i did everything it took there was a point where my dad had his hand on my throat listen talk to ypur relatives tell them dont make the mistake i made you are not alone please speak up i did and it saved me my dad did exactly the same things etc and now we are happy if you get married it would be 10 times worse please make dua ask allah for guidance he will help you inshallah
    h

  8. Basically i am married hindu, a bachelor muslim man was behind me for our gay relationship and love...

    • I deleted the remainder of your comment. If you need advice you can register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn. However, I should caution you that we answer questions from an Islamic perspective. Everything you described is haram (forbidden, prohibited). Homosexuality, adultery, sex outside of marriage, treating someone else as your "god", all these things are major sins. So I'm not sure in what way we can help you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Asalaam Walaikum.

    They can curse all they want ... Allah sees everything and when you disagree with something with your parents and you are in the right (such as now) .... it doesnt matter how much your parents curse you Allah is on your side and no one can obviously compete. Trust me don't do it, Allahs plan is final so be strong and don't marry anyone you dont want to and Insha'Allah it will work out for the best.

    Get the authorities involved if need be ... but don't marry for the sake of your parents, like others have said life could be far worse and miserable esp since the marriage will start on the wrong foot and if you become a divorcee it will be far more difficult than now.

    And theres no need to do Isthikhara ... you have already said no - Thats simple. And no one can do Istikhara apart from you but like I said youve firmly said No so Istikhara isnt needed. And like you say ... It will come out in your parents favour or atleast thats what they will tell you even though we all know Istikhara doesnt work like that.

    I just don't understand how parents can destroy their own childs life like this ... they obviously don't fear Allah and whatever happens they will have to face Allah for their actions.

    It sounds like you are respectable and strong Masha'Allah and May Allah keep you strong and May Allah bless you with a pious and rightous husband and May Allah let your parents see the error of their ways ... AMEEN!

    • Aameen! Jazak'Allah Khair for your response.

      I have people advising me to go forward with my parent's decisions because they always want what's best for their children. The person that they want me to marry is a doctor from Pakistan who is preparing to get licensed in the U.S. I get advised that financial stability and money is better than love, as it is going to be a while until my boyfriend gets settled. Real life requires money so I would be a fool to say no to a doctor. No matter how much I will myself to follow my parent's wishes, the thought of committing my life to someone like this holds me back. I don't want to be a woman who ruins the life of someone else by agreeing to this marriage.
      I don't understand why the culture restricts us so much that all anyone thinks about at every single moment is their respect in the eyes of other people. But at the same time I am scared of their baddua's coming true that I will forever chase happiness but never achieve it.

      They've stopped forcing me now, but at the same time I wake up each day and listen to their taunting remarks about my choice. They silently hope I will come to my senses which is all the more suffocating.

      May Allah guide us all and bless us in this Holy month of Ramadan.
      JazakAllah Khair

      • I believe that parents should not force marriage .If you don't like him then don't marry .

        But this reality is also true that husband needs to be financially stable along with good character to keep wife happy .
        If your other boyfriend who is not settled might give you happiness at the beginning of life but when reality hits after few months there will be big challenges as life needs money to survive and most of educated sisters want quality life style which needs money ..

        So there are pros and cons both the sides .You do the best what you want but never any regret any decision after you take ...

      • Financial Stability is better than love?

        We all go through rough patches in life so now lets say (May Allah never let this happen) you marry a financially well off man but you don't end up loving him, then something happens and his financial situation is reversed and he is broke? Now at this moment would the bond between you hold or not?

        Obviously financial stabilty is important don't get me wrong but majority of the people earn enough to provide a happy lifestyle for their families.

        Marrying someone you love is a whole new issue as Love before marriage doesnt really exist and normally ends in one of the parties being hurt or after Marriage the "Love" they thought they felt was actually just lust.

        In Islam as you know we marry someone we like (normally their character) or atleast can see them to be our spouse ... and then love between you grows. So the emphasis is on Deen and Character. If the potential spouse is of great character, financially stable and he is deeny then Alhamdulillah it sounds like a good proposal BUT if your heart isnt content then don't take things further regardless of what people say. Essentially whatever decision you make you must be happy with.

        And as you say the Pakistani Culture is a joke, go against the grain and don't start giving into culture trust me. All this Izzat malarky annoys me soo much. All one needs to be concerned about is What does Allah think of me ... Simple. All these people our families try to please are not going to be there when things go sour and a lot of the families we try to please are very (without sounding harsh) messed up families themselves. The best way to deal with culture is by loving talking to your parents esp when you disagree even though it is hard sometimes but one thing is never give into something which is clearly backwards (normally just look at the Islamic stance and you will get your answer if the thing our parents care about is actually something we should even care about.)

        Anyways I'm waffeling now ... May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong.

  10. Hi, I belong to non Muslim family but I fell in love with a Muslim guy in uk, I went to uk and stayed there for 4 years on study visa, so that happened, when my parents forced me to come back home , I went to India ,left every thing in uk, my dreams , my lover, my life , my happiness. Ohh"! How cruel time it was when I came back home,my parents never accepted him to marry with me, they want me to get marry with a person whom they will find out.i am totally helpless. I am here in India and he is in uk.i don't love that much to him, that he loves me that much, he cares me that I can't explain here, GOD bless him always.my mother, father ever my brother put pressure on me, I told them how many times about him, but they never ever agree.my mother is very very sensitive and emotional , she is very hurt already because my father always being not good person to my mother, always fighting , abusing, we all have suffered too much, now I am stuck ,what to do, I can't do courage to hurt my mother anymore because of me, but I don't want to marry any stranger on who I don't know, and ever when I know a person who cares me ,loves me, and this simple thing my mother does not undrstand, . At least my lover is not like my father.
    Please suggest what I do

    • If you have the ability to return to the UK then you might consider converting to Islam and marrying that guy no matter what your parents say. If not, then it's best to forget about him.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response