Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I fell madly in love on Facebook and was left heartbroken

Heartbroken, broken heart

Heartbroken.

Assalaam o alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

I wish to share my feelings with all of you. Last year in August I got a job in Hyderabad. I saw a woman on Facebook for the first time in March, and was waiting and busy getting all the information regarding her.

When I came to Hyderabad last year I told her my feelings on FB. She was a cousin of one of my known family friends. She told me she was already in a relationship for the last 2 years. This statement of hers was crushing to me.

That night I did something I am not proud of. I scratched my wrist for the first time. The next day I thought I needed to end this because she was already committed. I decided not to talk to her. But she messaged me "are you alright?" and I said yes. Then we kept on talking for few days. A few days later she accidentally sent me a friend request. I accepted it.

Days went by and one day I didn't talk to her for like entire day. She thought I did something again to hurt myself. She got my number from Facebook and messaged me. From then on the chats switched from FB to SMS. In early September she called me for the first time and from then on it was our usual routine. I used to call her after work and all.

One day she told me she started to feel something for me and wanted to leave her boyfriend. Actually, she told me that the guy isn't treating her right. He scolds her and abuses her, but is not leaving her. She wanted to end her relationship with him. I got excited because I was madly and irrevocably in love with her. In October there was a friend's marriage in Lucknow. She was also from Lucknow.  so I went to Lucknow and also met her. It was out of this world -I mean the first meeting in the morning.

This thing I missed a lot. I was and am still in love with this place. She also came along with me to the marriage. The next day I decided to stay and meet her again, but on the previous night her  boyfriend told her that he will kill me if she again talks to me. She got scared, but somehow she came to meet me the next day. Actually, she told her boyfriend a few weeks ago that she loved me and wanted to leave him.

The next day I met her. She was upset and said that if she went with him, she will go mad and all. She wanted to be with me. In the evening I had to return to home and from there to Hyderabad. I put my job at stake just to meet her. But who cares?

Her boyfriend also had contact with her cousins and somehow he came to know that she told lies at home and skipped college to meet me. She got scared and told me that she will be scolded at home. I calmed her down and told her whatever happens just listen to them quietly, and I will be coming again very soon to meet her.

I bid her goodbye that evening and boarded my train. I had hardly reached Kanpur and till then everything was fine. She was in touch with me through SMS. She was telling me that she was being scolded like hell. At around 8.30 everything was normal. We were in touch but after that her SMS stopped and she wasn't picking up my calls. At around 10.30 she called me and said that her boyfriend had chest pains and was hospitalized, and his condition was very critical and she was going with him because he loved her a lot.

Those were final words to me. I got unconscious and deboarded the train somewhere in the middle. I was standing at a small station where I jumped in front of a train, but luckily a friend of mine was also with me and he held me - otherwise it would have been too late for me.

I came back home somehow and told my mother. She knows all this as she used to talk to the girl and also liked her a lot, like her daughter. My mother even called her and asked her what happened, but all she said was that something happened there that day and she just had attachment with me and has been committed for the last 2 years.

A week later I went back to Hyderabad where I received a mail from her stating that I brainwashed her and she was always with her boyfriend, and even if he leaves her she won't be coming to me. This was even more harsh of her. That was the last time I heard from her. She deactivated her FB account, changed her number and all that. Two months later she made a new account and blocked me and my mother.

So all in all, I was with her just for 59 exact days but the intensity of my feelings were great, and frankly speaking I am still under her trance and love her like anything. I gave my sleep, food etc. just for her. Whenever she got hurt I hurt myself. I know that was dumb of me.

It's been like over 10 months and I still don't know how to forget her because I don't want to. I know she was the best I can get, but unfortunately this can't happen. Not a day passes by without her thoughts, her place, the first meeting, the lunch and that unspoken goodbye. Everything is still fresh in my mind. I prayed a lot but all my duas went unanswered.

I check her profile sometimes, though it hurts (and she has grown a bit healthy also hahaha). She seems completely normal and smiling but deep down I am still suffering. I don't know what happened in those two hours that day, or whether her boyfriend was seriously ill, but I am not fine at all. This was my first love. I won't call it a relationship because that is haram, but yeah I did like her and wanted to marry her. And thinking of someone else is like I will be cheating on her and moreover on my part.

I'd really appreciate your suggestions and comments in this situation.

Jazakallah Khair

-bladesnyne

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , ,

18 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaykum brother,

    There are countless stories not very different from yours of how internet attraction can get get out of hand. Internet relationships are dangerous because you never really know what is going on with the person on the other side. It's hard to tell whether they are genuine or playing a game, it is also dangerous because these relationships can get obsessive. These relationships involve a lot of imagination, and it can become a fantasy relationship. People tend to see what they want to, and ignore the warning signs.

    Too much imagination and fantasy can lead to unrealistic expectations and even obsession. Brother, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, why are you still obsessing over this girl. She clearly has moved on, isn't it time you did that too? It's sad to see that Bollywood movies have corrupted the minds of our youth with this concept of "true love". Is it really true love? Think logically, do you really want to be with a girl who is playing with the feelings of two men? Do you want a woman like that as your wife? Try your best not to click on her profile, how do you expect to forget her if you continue to spy on her? Leave her alone. You also mentioned self harming. I suggest that you try to deal with these issues as well. Perhaps talk to a therapist or a trusted friend. We have no right to harm the bodies that Allah gave us. Turn to Allah for help and guidance.

    • I agree with your point. To be very frank my mind knows it all and I know I committed a grave sin. I was never in sort of so called relationships but this time I just fell. But what really troubles me is the heart that fails to accept the harsh reality.
      Jazakallah khair for the response, I will definitely ponder over this.

  2. Salaams,

    I think the entire essence of your dilemma lies in one phrase you said: " I still don't know how to forget her because I don't want to". If you don't want to forget her, you never will. You will continue to replay the memories, the hopes, the dreams, the thoughts, over and over and over and remain in misery because they will never become a reality.

    If you want to stop living like this, you have to make up your mind that you want to move on. You have to make a decision that you will work against all the mental routines you've created in the past 10 months that have been feeding the way you feel. Without a clear decision to do it differently, nothing will change.

    Once you've made up your mind, then and only then can you start fighting the thoughts in earnest. You can start putting your focus on other things, and tell yourself the truth that it really is over and the future has more to offer you than the past.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I know I don't want to but I also know this will hurt me and still it does. Because I am sure something that great won't happen again (though it was wrong to heights)....
      It hurts a lot when you gave someone your everything just to live a life you could have imagined.

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    In addition to what has been said above, you should understand and believe in your heart that if that girl was created for you, you would have found her while she was single. But since there was a man in her life, that means your real single girl is someone else and not her. An't you ashamed of yourself that you were trying to snatch someone's girl, and on top of it you were killing yourself for that reason. Thank Allah you did not die through that, you would have been punished by Allah for allowing yourself to die this way. So just come back to your senses and repent to Allah for the mistakes you did, and then look for you real Muslim single girl that Allah has created for you and then marry her. She will not play with your heart as the other girl did to you.

    Also, I can sense that you need to learn much about Islam. Therefore, I will advise you to enroll in any local Islamic school/Masjids and then learn much about Islamic morals. You may also study online at the:

    http://www.islamiconlineuniversity.com/

    • I understand and I am really ashamed of myself for doing that. But when someone says that they are not happy with this guy/girl what will do then? especially if you have intense feelings for her? Ain't that hard?
      I totally understand that it was all my fault and I am solely responsible for this. But I also wish why it has to be him and not me? 🙂
      Anyways Jazakallah for the reply brother 😀

      • I get your point very well Brother, and you may be right about the way it feels to get hurt by someone you at least have tried to show some love and care, and this is when we look at the matter through another side of it.

        However, I pray that Allah will help you get over this situation!!! Also, please pray for me brother, because I am very sick these days.

        Jazaakumullahu Khairan

        • Jaakallah for the response brother. Indeed you guys have put forth some points that i was ignoring or may be I was bind. I understand what happened there.
          I pray to Allah (swt) to heal you soon.

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    In the real world there is enough unrealistic expectation coupled with fantastical whims to delude us and take us from the most Divine Love of Allah (swt). When we succumb to these unreachable goals placed by unrequited and undeserved trust & love with people whom we do not know, we find ourselves taken away from the emphasized love that Allah (swt) mercifully gave man to explore; and instead we are caught up in the Shaytanic whisperings of the accursed outcast and from the sickness of our own hearts.

    This disease inside of us is made all apparent when we cross the boundaries of halal relationships and cross over into the forbidden fruits of our questionable and sinful actions. It is no wonder then that we find ourselves in misery. Starving for one haraam, we forget all the halal we denied ourselves along the way.

    However, unlike many Internet romances, you actually were able to actualize yours along with a very distinct caveat: your love-to-be was at some point lying to you and playing with your feelings unable to decide which course she should take. Whether it was intentional from the get-go or through a serious of circumstances, she had decided to play herself in the middle of two men.

    Without acknowledging this reality, you are holding onto a person you never really knew and who abused your trust within the confines of undeclared promises and wishful thinking. While you are both to blame to an extent - two people unsure of how to have a mature relationship as evidenced by your near fatalistic actions and mindset - you have to be sure that what you feel isn't evidence of true love. Instead, the feelings are merely the byproduct of what you shouldn't have done, and now, faced with the choice of returning to the promise of Mercy from Allah (swt) you still wish to hold onto something that is now out of reach and keeping yourself within the grasp of the Shaytanic desolation.

    You need to take a few steps to rectify your life and behavior. The first is to admit that your attachment to this girl is very unhealthy in every aspect: emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Essentially, the thoughts of her are pure poison to your well-being.

    The second is that you need to reassess how you communicate and build trustful relationships with people. Your cognitive ability to read body language is compromised online and you need to realize that you'll always be shortchanged when it comes to text messages and electronic communications. There is no substitute for actually visiting the person from the initial attraction, meeting their family and pursuing halal means to marriage with whole hearted consciousness to follow the Right Path set forth by Allah (swt). Leave any one of these steps out and you're doomed to heartbreak and failure however is it manifested.

    In this step, you will have to come to the conclusion that Internet romances and wishful thinking despite the glaring realities facing you (namely, this girl was already involved with someone) are your downfall.

    Those glaring realities of her involvement with another person should have been a huge red flag to you. Is it inconceivable that even if you had been successful in "winning" her heart, that at some point, she would allow another man into your shared relationship? It is evident, that she would. Please wash the blindness away and see how she exhibited sociopath tendencies. Is this a person you would really want?

    Lastly, I would encourage you to delete your facebook profile. You are exhibiting an unhealthy obsession with her and on that path, nothing good can come from it. You are merely waiting to fall into the stages of hate, resentment and anger. As I said, any news of her is poison to your soul and behavior. You are leaving yourself open to very dangerous psychological disorders and harmful actions.

    Reassess your life and hopefully, your mother and relatives can help you with this part. I would encourage you to volunteer in some capacity and occupy all of your free time away from the computer for awhile. Take a month off and reset yourself. Also, when you look into marriage, do not fascinate on one person as your ultimate aim, as the real goal is to get married. Let me explain, because at first it sound like an oxymoron. Put Allah (swt) and Islam at the standard that sets the stage where marriage talks can begin. When a person meets the Islamic criteria (this woman of your story did not), then you are free to explore personal attractions and personal needs.

    Insha'allah, this will serve you best.

    • Welcome back, Professor X! And with your usual sage and articulate advice. Jazak Allah khayr.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Respected Sir,
      Jazakallah khair for the suggestion. I really appreciate your in depth reply. First and the foremost I'd like to say that indeed deep down somewhere I know I had been wronged but these feelings are so intense that its just not possible for me to get down with it. Its not like I haven't tried but I guess I should try a bit more. You have no idea how I felt for these 11 months or so.
      All the wishes and desires are no more within me. These self harming issues still continues and frankly speaking I have no idea how to deal with this?
      Considering marriage is not my cup of tea especially after this. I know its sunnah I am again doing a big sin but just for the sake of personal needs and to some extent healing, I can't put someone else's life at stake. My family has been supportive but to some extent they are least bothered about this. They are like that time will heal me but when I am always thinking of her and all the memories are still so fresh I dont know how I am going to get changed. Not a single day passes not even a thought without hers.
      These things still haunts me. To some extent I have realized that these media and so called movies have corrupted the minds of ours but who is to blame when the murdered is the murderer. I'd really appreciate your prayers in this regard.
      May Allah grant you peace and happiness!!

      • AOA,

        I'd say the reply from Prof X was brilliantly written and your response has not done it justice. It is not merely a suggestion but your only option if you wish to cure yourself of this sickness.

        I suggest you read it again and try to understand what has been said rather than scan the piece of writing for anything that supports or excuses your feelings.

        Put things into perspective, reflect on those who are oppressed and then you will see you have so much to be grateful for.

  5. Dear Sister
    Walaikum assalaam.
    Jazakallah khair for your beautiful response.

    I am not taking anything for granted at least not now. I understand each and every point very well and what I wrote above was to make my situation more clear. I completely comply with what Prof X wrote above and I am really appreciative of the fact that you guys have shown so much support and made things clear for me get over and walk away from the object of my passion.
    But to implement these things will require a great deal of work and time.
    I request you to pray to Allah almighty to ease my pain.

  6. Professor X has given excellent advice with beautiful details.

    Internet has destroyed many lives in one way or other. You must thank almighty for saving you.

    have some goals to achieve and work to improve yourself. nothing is impossible once you accept the reality and wish to change the world around.

    Quote
    I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it.
    - the character Bella in Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

    i wish you all good luck in your endeavor.

    • Jazakallah khair for the nice quote.
      Indeed internet has ruined many lives and one more to add to that brim. Please pray to Almighty to erase the clouds of despair and keep me away from these stuffs Ameen.

      May Allah bless you.

  7. Dear Brother,

    Insha-allah, he will.

    But to move on, you must have certain goals to keep yourself busy in achieving them.
    If you keep yourself busy, you wont get time to think/feel about your past (and if you have addiction of internet- you will get rid of this habit too)

    improve yourself as a Muslim, focusing on studies or career, serving parents are some goals to start with.

    Quote
    When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.- Unknown

  8. That was very kind of you. Really I am grateful to Almighty for getting here.
    Indeed one stroke was necessary to realize the realm of life. Though a very hard one but learned a lot.

    I wish all of you a blessed life ahead 🙂

  9. Grow up and get over it. Plain and simple.

Leave a Response