Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Torn between being an understanding brother and a loyal son.

shy man

Father and son.

Assalamwalaikum,

Firstly, I would really appreciate your patience in reading about my situation, and would be very grateful for sincere advice.

During my father's childhood, he faced poverty and had basic education. Due to this he was unable to take senior posts in companies although he had all the qualities, capabilities and was a very hard-working man. From this experience, my father wished for his children (me and my elder brother) to grow up in an environment that met all our needs. My father aspired for his children to get educated from the best university by the most knowledgeable people in the field me and my brother wished to pursue, namely Engineering and IT. As my father was too engrossed in acquiring worldly wealth for us and working all day to get us "highly educated", he missed the opportunity to build a strong bonding with us. More importantly, he missed the opportunity to give us the right guidance at a time when a child would need it from a father. Alhamdulillah! My father has accomplished his dream, but only to realize that it has become a nightmare for him today.

In the past 3 years, my father (59 years of age) began to change as he embarked on a journey to learn and practice Islam by the will and mercy of Allah, Alhamdulillah! Prior to 2010, my father -although a muslim- was not as practicing, nor did my father know/understand much about Islam. Then, his only goal in life was to get me and my elder brother educated. My father was engrossed in acquiring wealth for his family at the cost of his and his family's deen. This endeavor made him lose his credibility to talk about Islam in the eyes of his children and family. I greatly appreciate my father's sacrifices and forgive him for the mistakes he's made, but perhaps I cannot say the same for my elder brother. Today, my father realizes the many mistakes he has made in raising me and my elder brother.

As for me, I was a very rebellious son and had good whacks from life that left me with no option but to turn to Allah, Alhamdulillah! As for my elder brother, he's been very obedient and has sacrificed much for me and our parents, but is not as practicing of a muslim today which grieves my father. As my father is learning and practicing more Islam, he can't help but see the erroneous ways of my elder brother. Please don't misunderstand here, my elder brother does not indulge in what is known as major haram (like zina, alcohol, etc.). It's just that that my elder brother does not offer his Salah, or perhaps only prays jum'ah at work, and does not fast in Ramadan either. Perhaps you could be forgiven to think that my brother is a namesake muslim.

My brother is a knowledge worker. Simply put, his work involves a lot of mental exertion. As my elder brother works from morning to evening (like most people) and gets exhausted from work, he likes to spend time with his spouse talking about various things (I don't know what they talk for hours about and don't care either, it's their personal life).  He will occasionally watch TV shows/movies/spends time with friends to relax himself. Salah does not come under his definition of relaxation. Also, in the country where we reside, the days are very long, therefore the time gap between Fajr and Maghrib is aprrox. 19-20 hours, and it can be quite a struggle to work and fast. Don't underestimate my brother, he is very knowledgeable about Islam, but his knowledge mostly resides in his mind and doesn't seep into his heart nor comes to action. My father often lectures my elder brother and his wife about being steadfast on Islam and often nags my elder brother and his wife to offer Salah, and to learn about Islam and practice Islam. Despite all the lectures and nagging of my father, there isn't much change in my brother. Actually, all my father's effort is having a negative impact on my brother.

On one hand, my brother is becoming frustrated with the constant nagging to pray, fast and view islamic lectures by our father, and feels that our father does not understand his struggles. My brother's wife has often suggested  to my brother (since their marriage) to live separate from my parents to my brother, as she feels "uncomfortable" and sometimes even "hurt" to live with us because of my father's nagging behavior. This also adds to my brother's frustration and has made him decide to live separately if my father does not stop his nagging behavior. Please don't indulge here in the topic of "should parents live separate from their children after marriage", it would be an endless argument.

On the other hand, my father is in pain seeing my elder brother is not following Islam properly, and partly feels that my brother's wife is the reason since she is not a practicing muslim either, and does not encourage my brother to be a practicing muslim. My father feels regretful and unhappy with my brother's marriage, and feels that my brother deserved a much better life partner, which has often come to the attention of my brother and his wife. I understand that my father expressing such feelings is not the best for my brother and their relationship as a father and son.

I understand my father's pain and support him, but my elder brother has some struggles of his own too. So, we have two people who are blind to each others struggle and pain. We have two people who have conflicting motivation, methods, and life objectives. My brother aspires for a career now, and perhaps later will be a practicing muslim. My father wants my brother to be a practicing muslim now whilst having career aspirations. Now, my brother wants to move out and live separately because our father is sort-of becoming intolerant and forcible about practicing Islam.

As you have read so far, I have been mentioning about the dynamic between my father and my elder brother.  But what really weighs me down is my mother. My mother feels tormented about what's happening. My mother argues that my father has sacrificed so much for me and my brother, and that my brother should be patient and forbearing with his father especially at the age my father is,  as there is no one to look after him. My father and mother agree to moving out with me, but I don't have a stable job to give the level of support my brother can provide financially (medicine, rent, food, bills). So my mother and father want to go back to their homeland, but there is no one to look after them there, either!

I know this is a test from Allah to His slaves. But what do I do?

How do I reconcile the relationship between my father and my brother?

How do I reconcile the relationship between my mother and my brother?

How do I make my brother realize the gravity of his and his wife's stupidity?

What is the Islamic view on the situation as a whole? Is my father right in his nagging? Should my father simply watch his son become aloof from Islam, or should my father quit trying?

If something drastic were to happen to my mother as a result of the torment she feels, how will I forgive my brother for what could have been avoided by being patient?
:'(

JazakAllah,

-khiskisay


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10 Responses »

  1. As Salamualaikum,

    Your brother and father are undergoing a metamorphosis. One towards Islam and other one outwards. Your father has been struck by the epiphany of discovering Islam and tranquillity has penetrated in his soul.

    As far as your brother goes, If I may use a verse from Quran to best explain his behaviour. It is reminiscent to that of Desert Bedouin of the Arab

    The Bedouin's say, "We have believed." Say, "You have not [yet] believed; but say [instead], 'We have submitted,' for faith has not yet entered your hearts.(Qur'an, AlHujurat 49:14)

    If I were at this point, I would ask the father to take it easy on him. His assertions will only further repel him. Ask him to supplicate to Allah to return him to the path of Iman and Al-Ihsan.

    If your brother continues to digress, then it is time to understand that
    "Surely you do not guide whomever you love, but Allah guides whomever He decides, and He knows best the ones (who are) rightly-guided."(Qur'an, Al Qasas, 28:56)

    Aafa Allahu Annka

    • Walaikumassalam,

      Brother Farrukh, I really appreciate and value your kind words. I have made my father aware of the massive differences in the upbringing of his sons, and in his own life, when/where he grew up. The educational environment of universities and schools that shapes the mind of future generation, only some are successful in graduating with their Imaan fully intact, and very few emerge with their Imaan enriched.

      My father is filled with agony in his heart for my elder brother, and hardly speaks to anyone except sometimes to my mother or me. 🙁 Whenever my father speaks these days, the focus of his conversation is always about Islam, and how he'd like me to persuade my brother to be more practicing, because "maybe" my elder brother will listen to me, because it "maybe" that I have more credibility of balancing work and Islam.

      Brother Farrukh, I understand what you mentioned from the verses of the Qur'an, that Allah subhana wa ta'ala is the only Guide. I also understand that, the one Allah subhana wa ta'ala guides, none can lead astray and the one whom Allah subhana wa ta'ala sends astray, for him there is no guide. My father is aware of these as well. But my father keeps telling me to keep persuading my brother, until he becomes a practicing Muslim, and that I see to it that his future children and my future children grow up practicing Islam, and that is the only thing that would give him peace in the grave. 🙁

  2. Farrukh: Your brother and father are undergoing a metamorphosis. One towards Islam and other one outwards. Your father has been struck by the epiphany of discovering Islam and tranquillity has penetrated in his soul.

    Father in question is old and moving towards Islam. He was away from Islam till late 50s. He should not expect his son to behave like him.

    When tranquality penetartes in your soul, you don't nag and try to control your family members 24 hrs a day, seven day a week.

    When one is tranquil and calm they can change people with love.

    OP should find a better job and ask his brother to help him financially.

    Son is married and an adult and should be treated as a friend. I don't think any one is going to change. Your father should not try to change others. He should just change himself.

    Brother seems to be a victim in this case. If some thing happens to any one, your father should be held reponsible for that.

    • Assalamwalaikum,
      I am doing freelance work to get some experience and income, as well as looking for work simultaneously. You would be surprised at the amount of applications I have sent. My brother has no problem in financially aiding our parents and me. But you see... my mother does not want his money, she needs both her sons! It's kind of... a cultural thing.

      In my parents homeland, the culture is that, the children are obliged to take care of their parents when they attain a fragile age in life regardless of the martial status of their son (its different if the parents had daughters). It is looked down upon to leave parents when the reach an old age, and is even more shameful for the sons and parents if they are left in an old-age home. My parents have been much dutiful and obedient to their parents (my grandparents), and have similar expectations from me and my elder brother.

      Now that my brother is contemplating to live separately, my mother feels as though, her first son (my elder brother) does not care, or does not love her/my father and wants to simply escape these obligations by providing paychecks and me doing the work of a "care-taker" like in an old-age home. Although it is wrong to say such things, the pain my mother felt made her utter words like "I'd have preferred to die than see a day like this in my life". 🙁 May Allah grant both my parents long and healthy life, Ameen! There does not appear to be any communication between my brother and my father any longer, apart from formal salams and how're you doing. My parents in one room, my brother and her wife in another, and bitterness in the hallway. 🙁

      Life and death is in the hands of Allah subhana wa ta'ala, so I don't think I would hold anyone responsible for anything, but I won't be able to help the resentment towards my brother if such extreme were to occur, Allah-forbid!

  3. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I will share with you what I think, and if it is way off, then please disregard.

    First off, none of us are perfect, and therefore, no human relation to us is perfect. We all have room for improvement and it happens at the time it should. I mention all this because it is easy to want to take the side of our mother, or father, or brother or sister or wife, simply because of their relationship to us. It is a natural effortless feeling to have, but it can also cause problems when those relationships influence our thinking in a biased way.

    On one hand, you have asked for advice, but on the other hand you have asked not to discuss a joint-family--I find this difficult because it is like realizing that you need surgery but insist that no incision be made.

    The beauty of our religion, Islam, is that it demands fairness in relations within respected boundaries. The problem with culture is that it is built on injustices that support one part of the population. The issue with your brother wanting to move is not really the problem and I don't think he should feel guilty for that or be punished for it either--rather, there has to be a compromise in that if your family pursues a joint-family system, it can be successful if there are separate quarters for each family especially where people do not freely trespass into someone's private area. Another idea could be to have your brother live very close by, so that he can fulfill his duty to his parents.

    It is rather worrisome to read your question "How do I make my brother realize the gravity of his and his wife's stupidity?". I can't help but think that there needs to be a line that shouldn't be crossed in judging your brother's wife as that is his private matter and frankly, if your brother and father's relationship is suffering, it will be next to impossible to cultivate the relationship between your brother's wife and anyone in the family. So it is difficult to make any comments on her for that matter--and I also do not think you should concern yourself about her--but focus on your immediate relationships (mother, father, brother).

    Back to your question about being an understanding brother and loyal son--first you have to define the words understanding and loyal. To be a loyal son, in my mind, means listening to your father, hearing him out, taking care of him, loving and caring for him, but NOT necessarily agreeing with him. Before I carry on, I am not suggesting that you become argumentative with your father--I simply think that you love and care for him and give him gentle reminders when he worries beyond his human capacity/ability. We have to understand what our duty is in every relationship and never to burden others with the way we think they should live.

    As for your brother, rather than talk to him about what the both of you should do for your parents "culturally" or "religiously", perhaps approach him with the attitude of "How are going to take care of our parents?" and the why is "because they are our parents." Is it not possible for your brother to either move out, or have his own privacy and still financially support your parents? Can he make sure that he does his part while keeping the boundaries he wants for his family?

    If your actions are motivated by culture, you will continue to have an internal dilemma and have feels of unrest. If you approach your father and brother armed with peace, love, and understanding, they will find it difficult not to succumb, especially your brother. He needs his space to grow, improve, reflect and change and these things will not happen through pressure and force.

    I thought I would throw my thoughts out based on my own experiences and hope that even a little is helpful.

    May your family find love and peace together, Ameen.

    • Walaikumassalam sister,
      I really value your response for my situation, it is helpful and I would not disregard it, in hopes to learn something and possibly find a solution. I'm not taking anyone's side in my family, I choose to be on Allah's side... I'm all in for maintaining the harmony.

      The reason I mentioned to not indulge in the topic of joint-family is because, I know that, many people may have concerns, and would prefer to live separate from their parents after marriage, and don't like the idea of joint-family. However, I believe that, there can be harmony in a joint family as well, and it can be even better than living separately as a couple. To list a few benefits... all the expenses get shared, the chores of the house get distributed, so no person is burdened with all the house work, you'd always have someone or another to give you medic aid if need be, you wouldn't need any babysitter/nanny to watch your kids, we can support one anothers shortcoming and help build each others imaan, we all can support one another in amazing ways that living separately wouldn't allow. There are pros and cons to living separately, as well as in a joint-family. In my judgment, if the cons of joint-family can be reduced/removed, the pros of living in a joint-family will outweigh that of living separately. However, everyone's circumstance would be different, and might feel differently about joint-families, which is okay! It is a spacious house, so, there aren't any privacy issues, everyone has their own room and no one trespasses!

      I don't think all cultures are unjust. If a culture/ritual/ceremony goes against Islam, that culture/ritual/ceremony should be abandoned. I want to maintain the harmony for the benefit and comfort of my parents, and its not only about financial aid, my mother wants her son. Whereas, my brother wants to separate for himself and his wife, and I do not accuse him nor his wife for wanting that. However, this decision of my brother's could cause much grief to our parents, and I think this can be avoided by sacrificing our own happiness for that of our parents, especially at the age they are and as a compensation for the sacrifice our parents made for us.

      My brother's wife, does play a part in influencing my brother's choices. It is their private matter, I have no objection and pass no judgment on her for that, as long as their choice is not affecting me or our parents. I don't think this is a private matter any more, because it affects the interest and well-being of our parents. But I do agree, my father did not develop a strong bond with my brother at the stages when that bond should have been cultivated. Actually, my brother's wife is even more comfortable than my brother, with me and our parents. My brother's wife, is only in discomfort, when my father goes on nagging spree, which I have time and again explained to my father in ways he understands, is not right.

      As for being "loyal" to my father, I couldn't agree more with what you've said... exactly my thoughts. As for my brother, I am "understanding" that my brother has some struggles in his own life from work, and it is already difficult enough to live in the lifestyle of Europe. Living here, we are easily dismissed as being unsocial, as we can't attend Easter parties, or Halloween parties, or Christmas parties by the company, or even if we were to attend any function we can't be sure of what food we can eat, or drink we can have, (so, we become vegans). It's not easy to lower your gaze, or sport a beard, or refrain from handshakes from the opposite gender...because the culture here is to maintain eye-contact with the opposite gender, and have firm handshake, and be approachable with a smile and confidence, otherwise you are sexist, or there is something wrong with you, and you feel awkward! We have no Eid holiday's... we have to take them out of our own expenses, nor do we have half-days in Ramadan like we used to in the GCC. Furthermore, we have to be always on guard and we can't indulge in the kind of conversations/activities our colleagues keep talking/indulging in, thus we become socially excluded. Plus, he's an engineer/analyst, so his work is very demanding mentally. Furthermore, my brother has been through an education system and environment that is in many ways good for knowledge, but not so much for your imaan or culture. There is no "Islamic environment" of sort. So, all of these things, collectively, can slowly start to have a hammering effect on your imaan, and a lot of culture you held onto get washed away.

      We don't have any house we can rent/buy in the entire neighborhood, and once my brother leaves, I don't think he has any intention of returning, perhaps he'll give a call, but won't visit, or maybe once a month. Before my brother got married, he wanted all of us to be under one roof, (I was in GCC for my studies at the time with our parents). Its only recent, after his marriage, and since my father began to mend his ways, that he's feeling this way. Alhamdulillah, my brother is not going to leave as much as he may want to for the sake of our parents. Alhamdulillah, my father has become somewhat more understanding these days, or maybe he prefers to not talk anymore.

      May Allah restore the harmony, love and peace back in our family, and bring us even more close to Him and one another, with refined imaan from this experience, Ameen!

      • Assalam alaikum Brother,

        You can't live with the burden of the entire family resting on your shoulders.

        During a very difficult and painful time in my life when I was extremely confused, torn, upset and alone, I made a Du'a to Allah along the lines of this:

        "Oh Allah, I am helpless, but I forget and think I am in so much control. Oh Allah, it is You and You Alone that can save me from any hardship. Oh Allah, forgive me and help me to do the best in the situation that I am in. Oh Allah, present to me a solution that is beyond my thinking capacity, make me successful in my trial and free me from the burdens that I contine to feel."

        Obviously, we all have our way to ask Allah for the things we want--just trust in Allah while realizing that it isn't you that control over these matters, but in fact it is Allah--you simply do the best of your ability. May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  4. asalamu alaikum,

    I will keep this brief. no one can force anyone to practice Islam. no one can guide anyone to the path of truth except by the will of Allah(swt) and no one can mislead anyone except by the will of Allah(swt) as we have come to learn Islam. your father has done his part, just make du'a to Allah(swt) to guide him and leave it at that. constant nagging most definitely have an opposite effect.

    your brother is responsible for his own action. so explain to your father to make du'a and leave it at that.

    ma salama..

  5. Salam brother,

    I agree with brother Ahmed, you or your father cannot change your brother. It doesn't matter how much you nag him and lecture him and beg him. In the end the only person who can change him is himself. If Allah wills for him to be a better muslim then he will. And sometimes you need to deal with someone according to their nature. As we give dawah to different people, muslim non muslim, kids adults, we convey our message in different ways according to the audiance.

    Obviously your fathers approach is not working but driving your brother away. You can try a more subtle approach to engage your brother in Islam, and something which will not anger him and something that he will be comftroble with.

    I have a brother who does not pray or go to the mosque but he is a good person morally and loves us all. But he gets furious if we lecture him about Islam or nag him about it so we stopped as it was driving him away from Islam. So I try different approaches such as sending him an islamic message once in a while or invites to Islamic conferences etc etc, but I do not nag. So he is ok with us. And by the way having a religious wife does NOT help! My sister in law practices Islam, fasts prays, hijab etc etc. He gets furious with her too if she nags. So she stopped now as she doesnt want to be constantly fighting with him. They have been married done time but she could still not make my brother change! So do not blame your sister in law.

    The chances are that if your brother is not practising Islam he will not be attracted to a pius muslima, rather he married someone like him. I know it is very depressing when a family member is not practicing Islam. But what can you do? You will get depressed worrying. Leave your brother to Allah and keep praying for him constantly. And advise your dad that he will lose him this way so he must stop.

    You need to concentrate on yourself, in becoming a better muslim and taking care of your parents.

    I think there was a hadith which basically stated that Allah wills whoever he wants to the truth. Your father should not blame himself as their are people who beat their kids to pray and force them to go madrasa but these kids actually end up not believing or praying from the heart, but just praying out of fear of their parents, teacher etc. So this is worse just praying for show not for Allah. Let your brother believe in Allah from his heart sincerely.

    • Walaikumassalam sister,
      My dad already lost my brother many years ago, when he failed to build the bonding of a father and son. He's only wanting to get his son back, and back to the right path of Islam. Yes, it right that Allah is the Guide, but parents also have the responsibility of giving the right Islamic upbringing to the child (also see, Qur'an Chapter 66, Verse 6). For my father, it feels like this is his biggest failure in life, and want's to make amendments, which is not turning out to be easy for him. Alhamdulillah, after much explaining to my father, he's now aware of the complex nature of what he wants to achieve, and the approach/solution now is much in agreement with what you say... subtlety!

      I'd have to open up a whole different topic about my brother's marriage, which is no use of getting into. However, I'd like to briefly say that, my brother's marriage was arranged by my mother and my uncle's-wife's-sister. My brother said that he would accept any girl my parents wanted for him. My brother's only condition was for the girl to be educated to a reasonable level. Upon validation from my mother and my brother, my father agreed without much knowledge about his now daughter-in-law.

      😮 Really? A practicing wife doesn't help? I've never heard that before, and is quite contrary to the advice given by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)! I do understand the point you're trying to make though. At some point in time, I'd like to believe a wife will have some influence over her husband, or atleast the children. Don't get me wrong, I am not holding my brother's wife accountable for my brother's deen. But a wife, makes for a big factor of influence. And in the case of my brother, he'd give anything for his wife's happiness, my brother is "emotionally enmeshed" with her... about which I only plan on advising him, and leave it at that.

      May Allah bring us, and keep us steadfast on the straight path, Ameen!

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