Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Being without him is draining my strength to live


Salaam to everyone

I am 20 years old syed girl, I have been in a previous relationshiop with a non syed we are no longer together due to circumstances and my family not accepting  him  but I am still in love with him and have been for the previous 3 years of my life... I am pretty sure that he also loves me and wants us to marry

I am trying to forget him and keeping asking Allah to help me forget my past and him so I can inshallah marry a syed man whom my family will accept but i am finding this very very difficult as I love and miss him more each day and can not imagine being with someone else.

What can I do?


being without him is draining my every happiness and strength to live out of me

- silent

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7 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    I also belong to Syed family and nowadays Alhamdulillaah with education of Islam and more openminded approach towards other Muslims has led many syed families to accept proposals from other Muslims.

    See, being Syed is believed from forefathers and none of us can be sure if one is truly Syed or not. Explain this to your parents and if there is is surety then tell them that Islam does not have any class or caste barriers to come in between marriage of two Muslims. These are man made laws and much to the culture.

    Also, in India syed families believe that they have better approach and manners etc. but that is not right as well, there are many others who have good upbrining and better manners. Also many of syeds go to dargah and shrines of saints to seek help. Where as only Allah is the helper. No dead people can be of help and the Qur'an states clearly that the dead cannot hear any call, nor do they have anyknowledge when they will be raised, so there is no meaning in such practice of seeking help from the saints who passed away long ago. We should ask the Ever Living, who never dies, we should ask Allah only for help - iyyaka na'du wa iyyaka nasta'een - Thee (alone) we worship and Thee (alone) we ask for Help.

    As far as love goes, you rather have desires to be with him. Tre love can only be once you marry a person and face realities of life together. What is now is a world of fantasies, a sweet world of romantic dreams and you never know when it would come down crumbling.

    If you he wants to marry you, he would wait for you and reject other proposals and not look at other girls. If you want to marry him, you would wait for him and reject other proposals and not look at other guys.

    If both of you can do this and wait patiently until your families agree, then you may do so.

    But life has other major purposes to be fulfilled and better is to take things as they come. If you think this will not work out with the families, than allow yourself some time, engage in study of Qur'an and Islam and divert your mind towards Allah. Insha Allah, you will forget him.

    Do not sit idle, keep yourself occupied with work, family, friends and Islam, Islam, Islam in all other times. So Insha Allah you will find it easy to be without him and not remember him like crazy.

    Most importantly Keep your duty to Allah. You ought to as a Muslim.

    In Islam it is not right for a girl to date, go out with a guy without marriage.

    If you pray to Allah to forget him, Insha Allah, this will happen too, slowly with passing time.

    It may take time, but try to concentrate on Allah, make Allah your goal, make him the love of your life, pray to HIm to make you love Him the most than anyone else. Surely, He will answer your call and give the most love you can have for anyone which will be just for Him. Insha Allah.

    I wrote some words in another post regarding love and dating and it's ill effects, if you like to read, I quote them here again:

    In Islam non mahram men and women cannot be in an intimate relationship without marriage . There is nothing like dating. Also, I would seek a girl only with the intention of marriage and being a Muslim, it is not right to have any "dating" or "friendship" going on. It is not right.

    Also, it leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah. People begin to love that person more than they love Allah. They are ready to do anything for that person, but not for Islam or for the cause of Allah. Loving someone with the love which is due for Allah only is as good as associating a partner with Allah.

    165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which (they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Baqarah.

    The above verse is for idols, images, in greater sense but also human worship, etc, applies to all objects of worship which a person choses to love with the love which is due for Allah only.

    Living life for him/her, he/she is my everything, I can't live without him/her, all these words should be for Allah, but contrarary to this, people use it for their "love". In their ignorance they do not understand what injustice, wrong doing they are doing by adoring someone out of limits. Allah is not pleased with such acts. Yet among our Muslim youth today, guys and girls argue about "love" and "falling in love before marriage", they argue without knowledge. Satan stirs up desires in their hearts, they become attracted to someone and make that person their "goal of life" when Allah alone should be the Goal and these words should not come up in the mind of a Muslim. These are against Islamic principles.

    162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.

    42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal; - Surah Najm

    38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust.

    We should repent for falling in love before marriage. Even if we did not touch or do anything, repent for falling in love and turn to seek marriage quickly and if no marriage is happening then leave it and move on in life and hope for the best from Allah.

    Surah 23. Al-Muminun
    1. Successful indeed are the believers
    2. Who are humble in their prayers,
    3. And who shun vain conversation,
    4. And who are payers of the poor due;
    5. And who guard their modesty
    6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
    7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
    8. And who are shepherds of thee pledge and their covenant,
    9. And who pay heed to their prayers.
    10. These are the heirs
    11. Who will inherit Paradise: There they will abide.

    You have a way shown by Allah as a believer.

    Guard your modesty, be humble in prayers, shun vain conversations - flirting/ meaningless talks on phone/ dating/ music/songs/poetry - anything which is fruitless in the sight of Allah.
    So turn to Allah repentant and Seek His help. He knows you best and He alone will make it manifest at the right time what He has written in your destiny.

    Turn to Allah in true repentance that the love was a mistake, ask Him to forgive you and send you way good proposals from which you can choose the best, Insha Allah the person who would be your life partner.

    Do not worry, in ignorance of Allah laws we make mistakes and some times knowingly too, but be quick in repentance and Allah is the Forgiving, the Merciful. Seek His good pleasure.

    You spent your time and effort after one person, and the result of your conduct was loss, not turn to Allah, with your time and effort and the result with be total profit, no loss and rewards in aakhirah from Allah.

    Hope the advice helps.

    Your brother.

    • *** Now turn to Allah - with your time and efforts ***

    • can someone answer me this, the type of shirk brother has mentioned Also,
      it leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah.
      Will these people be forgiven if they have done so knowingly that it is shirk, disobeying Allah for the pleasures of themselves? Many times these people sin in ramdan too! If they later repent and seek forgiveness and stop sinning, will Allah ever forgive them?

      • ruhiiejarifa, what Munib has described is a kind if minor shirk, not the major shirk which takes a person out of Islam. Secondly, Allah forgives all sins, even shirk, if one makes sincere tawbah.

        Wael Editor

        • jazakallahu khairan brother!
          I feel scared of shirk, it is the worst nightmare of any muslim to go to the grave with shirk, may Allah forgive us all muslims of shirk! amin

          • There's a dua to seek refuge in Allah from Shirk:

            Allahumma inni A'oodhu Bika min an Ushrika bika Shai'an wa ana A'lamu wa Astaghfiruka li ma la A'lamu

            (O Allah, I seek refuge in you from committing Shirk with you and I am aware of it, and I repent to you for whatever I am not aware of)

            Muhammad Waseem

  2. If you care for someone before marriage (even if you don't date them), your love can only strengthen during marriage with all the support & Love of God first. Some people may find it easy to love someone after marriage if they were actually given the option to chose that person. But in either case if someone is special to you, you can't just forget them unless you make the choice to do so. And really if the feelings are mutual why should you have to choose between them or an unknown stranger? Why should you have to forgrt them? God always comes first no matter what - whether your parents approve of the person you care about or it's not about loving the person more than's about choosing the person you want a marriage with and taking it seriously and working hard at it no matter where the person is from. You can turn to God every moment of everyday & give thanks and ask for guidance in times of need. Marriages should always be taken seriously no matter who you are with but who you marry should always be your choice. If you have a strong foundation, your judgement should be trusted.

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