Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Being betrayed after 5 years but I still love her and want her back

Aslamu Alaikum,

I have been in a haram relationship for the past 5 years and have fallen madly in love with this person. We talked about getting married and i didnt want to have a haram relationship or commit anymore sins.

lonely man, betrayed, hurt

Just as i was preparing and thinking of how to approach her family with her hand in marriage, i found out she has been cheating on me for a while. I was devastated and heart broken. My world fell apart.

I reacted badly and said a lot of bad things to her and frightened her. As the days have gone by, i have realised my mistakes and i have started to ask for forgivness from Allah, and i have forgiven her for betraying me. I love her that much that i can forgive her for her mistake and give her another chance.

She doesn't want to know me anymore and that is killing me. I pray to Allah that he forgives her and makes her realise for her mistakes. i still pray to Allah that he fills her heart with my love again but am i wasting my time???

I know sometimes, it take something big like this to realise that we are making mistakes and commiting sins and thats why i have turned to Allah, to give my heart some peace, because it's hurting me so much. i now pray 5 times a day and im trying to lead a better life but i can't stop praying for Allah to re-unite us and fill our hearts with love once again.

I want us to repent and ask for forgivness for our mistakes together and live a halal way of life.

What shall i do???? I'm lost and feel so empty.

Anybody been in a similar situation?

- Gee

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15 Responses »

  1. salam brother
    this is a very bad situation according to me bt coz u were in a haram relation i think u hav to convince her to get married so that you or she comits anymore sins convince her and her family to get married to you if she is not convinced tell her hadits of quran about zina and haram and get her convinced if she doesnt understand then its left to her i request u also repent to Allah and ask for his forgiveness
    May Allah show you the right path

  2. Salaam Brother Gee,

    I am sorry for this heartbreak and betrayal that you are experiencing. What you are going through is beyond awful.

    You have already commented on the illegality of this union that you had with this girl so I will not lecture you on how wrong it was. What I will point out is that marriage gives a couple rights over each other so that when disaster occurs, you have rights and she has rights and you have family members and community members at hand to intervene, advise and try and make things work out. This (amongst other reasons) is why it is important to marry.

    Regarding the infidelity that you have experienced what I will say is that when a woman cheats: that's it. She departed from your relationship mentally and emotionally a very long time ago, and this led to her infidelity. Infidelity is not a sudden occurrence - there is a process: meet the guy, get to know the guy, get close to the guy, allow the guy to have physical contact...and so on and so forth. So for her to have actually full blown cheated, it means that she was not with you for a long time and she has been preparing to leave you for a while now.

    It is only natural that you would react badly. However your reaction is not the cause of this breakup. she was ready to break up ages ago and did not think that you would forgive her for cheating and is now using your reaction as an excuse to part ways. However there is no way that this breakup is because of anything that you have done. She did not have the courage to tell you (before she met someone else) that she didn't want to be with you any more, and moved on without you. She has been mentally preparing for this, and as you can see - for you this is a sudden bombshell - but for her she has known and been prepared for all of this from a long time ago, and she has even moved on. You are left with the debris and the shock.

    What you are experiencing is grief, in much the same way that someone feels it when a person dies - the sudden loss and grief of losing something that was so close to you - overnight. This grief is a natural process and in the beginning everything will be raw, painful and harsh to you - there will be tears, lack of sleep, frustration, anger and serious upset.

    For you to be able to move on you need to surround yourself with support in the form of friends and family who will keep you company and stop you from doing something reckless and irresponsible. As time goes on, you will feel your emotions go from shock, to anger, to despair and then one day you will awake and you will think thoughts like "maybe it was for the best" and you will begin to believe that you can be happy without her.

    The first thing to do is to calm down and try to reduce the hysteria and panic that you are feeling and try to come to terms with the fact that this is something that cannot be changed. The next thing to do is to surround yourself with support who can distract you and keep you company to prevent you from doing or saying something you will later regret. You must try to being yourself under some kind of discipline so that you do not disrespect yourself or make a fool of yourself which will only increase your pain. After that, you must focus on acceptance and allow yourself to go through the painful grieving process of letting go of this.

    As hard as it seems right now, the day will come when you will not feel this way and you just believe that. This is not the end of your happiness, your ability to love or your ability to be happy. You must believe this otherwise you will go crazy.

    This is my advice to you.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  3. As salamu alaykum Gee,

    Your last question is interesting, I´ve seen many posts and comments that have gone through your same situation. If you read a little here and there you will see many people like you, and you know many of this people is helping others to go over it telling the others their own experiences, you will see a lot of real love around here, Alhamdulillah.
    Many do the same you do, ask God for being together again, until they realized that this petition is stoping them from living their life, their real life. Leyla has given you every clue you need to understand what you had, have and will have gone through and how to get through it, please listen to her carefully and if you cannot go to your family or friends for shame, come here to listen to others, share and help if you want, all of us have something that can make a difference in someone´s life, insha´Allah.

    Alhamdulillah! you have awaken to real life, you were living a lie and now you have recovered the straight path, Alhamdulillah.

    One day, when you have concluded all the suffering you are going through, you will wake up full of Peace and your first thought will go to Allah(swt) and then you will notice that you still love her, but not as before, you will feel different. Your emptyness will be filled with Unconditional Love.

    Keep praying, your Heart is well kept in Allah´s Hands.

    My unconditional Love and Respect,

    María

  4. Dear Gee
    I personally think once a cheat always a cheat. She’s made her choice I am not here to judge or say anything bad to hurt your feelings but you have to realise you got to stop feeling how you feeling you wasn’t the cause of what happened. You must except and move on, ask allah's forgiveness and concentrate in getting better, inshallah when the pain heals you soon realise it was for the best. You must realise she betrayed your trust can you honestly tell me if you was married you forgive because honestly I couldn’t and just wouldn’t. I wish you all the best for the future.

  5. Asalaamu'alaikum,

    Brother I have noticed your article and cant believe it because I have gone through exactly what you went through. Very similar situation where I was seeing a guy for 5years...and then after 5years I found out he cheated on me. I was devastated because he gave me all this hope of marriage and the truth just shattered everything. I felt exactly the same way you did brother but believe me have faith in Allah. Look towards the Deen ask for sincere repentence. I had difficulty in understanding my situation didnt know what to do or who to turn to ...I was so confused and Hurt. I tried but nothing made me feel any good I just wanted him. Until I turned to Allah, that is when I felt real peace real comfort that no one could give. Always remember the purpose of this life is to worship Allah and him alone. not to get caught up with this Dunya and the people in it, dont let the shaytaan decieve you with its whispers, be strong. Believe me I never thought I'd ever get over him...but Alhamdulillah I have. And may Allah guide him to the right path. But think about it if this relationship of yours has hurt you so much and has directed your thoughts and actions away from Allah then how could it have been right to begin with ? This only proves that you have been misguided by the shaytaan all along and Allah has now shown you the truth as Allah swt has love for you, see it as a blessing brother. Sacrifice for the sake of Allah and you will recieve a greater Reward inshaAllah. May Allah give you strength.

    • Salam alaykom wa rahmatullah,

      Its a very small world. Same happend to me, For 5 years i was talking to a muslim man. We needed time to know eachother and also i had to finish my study. we living in different countries. He always did respect me and tried to teach me islam and the sunah. He also was working hard for our future. we had nice dreams, we wanted to marry and go to hajj together, and be good partner and friend for eachother. But then i found out that he sent some masseges to another girl that he wants to know more about her and also some picture of him on his friends facebook,hugging another woman.A chinees non muslim woman in his arms, they were in sea swimming and having fun. It was a shock for me, couldnt belive it. I finished with him and i told him he doesnt deserve a mslimwife etc. It was 1 mounth ago. I did pray to Allah, He is the one I trust and I know He wants for us the bestt hings...stil is hard to belive what he done, he is not bad and i never thought he will do this. He tried to make it up and send me some masseges, I decide to forgive him as Allah forgives our sins and then i did call him yesterday. I feel love and hate the same time,and now iam angry at myslef for calling him.I really dont know what to do. I thought he is a good muslim its why i was talking to him and plan to marry him. But what he done woke me up from a nice dream. I dont know if forgiving him is the right choice. After reading some answers here i feel bad for calling him. What should i do???????

      • Saba, stay away from him. Don't call him anymore, and don't contact him in any way. You have to be with someone you can trust, not someone who lies to you and betrays you.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Move on sister, Allah subhanhu wa tala showed you the TRUTH and made it clear. Don't be foolish and get yourself caught up with a liar in all his lies. Especially a liar that uses Islam to make himself feel good, it's hypocrisy!! .. .. Just MOVE ON, look for someone else, go on a matrimonial site or something and find someone else.

        It's good you forgive him for the sake of Allah subhanhu wa tala, but do yourself a favor and appreciate the truth Allah subhanhu wa tala has shown you. Some of us end up marrying THOSE people, so be grateful you aren't in that situation, ALHAMDULILAH!!

        Allah subhanhu wa tala will give you someone true Insha'Allah.... just don't be foolish and just keep reminding yourself about the reality and not the "dreams". Be strong sister.... the hurt you feel will soon pass, just keep being grateful to Allah subhanhu wa tala for showing you the truth.

        "..........You know what is in my inner-self though I do not know what is in Yours, truly, You, only You, are the All-Knower of all that is hidden and unseen." [5:116]

        Umm Abdullah
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. You know what brother, I hate to sound harsh but deep down you already know the reality of your situation. I say this becuase you are aware of the lesson, and you are turning to Allah subhanhu wa tala. How Merciful, and Compassionate is He!! SubhanAllah. In exchange of heartbreak (which trust me will eventually disappear) you are making steps towards your Creator. Do you know the heart that remembers Allah subhanhu wa tala is a heart that finds ease?
    "Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!" Quran Surah 13 :The Thunder, 28th verse

    Don't assume because you're being a nice guy that you'll live happily ever after if she decides she wants to take you back. She's not worth your time, a person that can appreciate you when you aren't even married, how do you think she'll react with you when you are married? Is that seriously the type of woman you want raising your children? Your emotions will change , even though it hurts so bad right now, be comforted in knowing that something greater will come up. Keep turning to Allah subhanhu wa tala and put your Trust in Him. When that someone else comes along you'll be soooooo glad that you never married this woman that can't even be faithful while dating!!
    I think you deserve better bro, Insha'Allah, fear Allah subhanhu wa tala and be patient. I KNOW, I KNOW, it's so easy to say that, but really ..try. Tell yourself .. "I DESERVE BETTER".. I am faithful, loving, I expect my wife to be like that.I want halal so I expect to make steps towards being in a halal relationship. Think of the future and not your emotions at present.
    Another point....from an extremely wordly perspective. People smell desperation, or excessive love a mile away. And for some reason humans are like a fox, when they know there's weakeness in a person they take advantage of it and juice it for all it's worth. If you act like you don't give a rats-patouti (ie. don't care), she'll probably be more interested in you. It's attention, clearly attention, Since she had alllllll your attention and love, she decided to abuse that weakness and get some more else where. A selfish world we live in.
    So stand up tall, wipe your tears, say Bismillah and ask Allah subhanu wa talla for a beautiful , lovely, pious, caring wife, whom you can spoil all the way to Jannah 🙂 It's easy for Him, all He has to say is "BE!" and it is 😀
    "His Command, when He intends anything, is only that He says to it, "Be' then (and there) it is - (Kun Fayakun)" - Verse 82.

  7. wonderful response.

  8. Assalam O Alaikum brother Gee,

    Sorry to see you going through all this. Brother if you ask me that I have been there then answer would be a definite yes "Yes" (love and understanding) but no intimacy at all, not even alone ever since we were kids like may be 10-11 years old. But, we were both practicing Alhamdullilah and were living quite far from each other. We might get a chance just to see each other once a year(not meeting but just seeing each other from distance), in functions like any marriage ceremony, Eid or any other functions. I personally think it's not just love that you miss about someone when not together but the understanding that you have developed, your matching personalities, same goals. We were not together even once but still we knew we were compatible even my cousins used to say that we both will make a perfect couple as our personalities, traits and habits were so similar. Though I don't believe in perfection especially in marriage as there are still things you have to compromise and it give and take for whatever reason.
    I told my mother about her when I was 24 and she said she will ask her hand and luckily for me she liked her too much that on one hand she had her nephew but she choose her and said she would be very happy if we get married. But, things don't always work the way we want, do they? There was neither "yes" nor a "no" and believe it or not it hurts so much that sometimes I feel like .................ah. There were days when I couldn't lift my head up due to the tears floating in my eyes and sometimes I will cry without any reasons and my friends would ask me what's the reason? Sometimes, I used to feel so depressed that I would call sick from work just because she was the only thing on my mind, I couldn't concentrate on my studies sometime because I will see her face everywhere. You know brother, beauty is not everything and believe it or not she wasn't a monalisa but fact is that I don't know if I will get to know someone this much before I get married as I knew her. She was everything for me I didn't want anyone good looking, or tall or whatever guys really are into these days because I knew that she has everything I want in a wife WITHOUT HAVING TO REQUEST HER TO CHANGE. We had actually known each other's personalities, character, likes, dislikes, very well and were both practicing as well. I don't blame her and she is masha Allah very decent, practicing girl, who dressed modestly and was always up to learn something new and help others in need. I am sure where ever she will be or who ever she will marry she will bring a lot of happiness into that family Insha Allah. Life goes on as it never ends.................!
    REVENGE: -
    Brother, this is what we all want but how many of us want to do things differently. Things which others will appreciate (not often but good things should never stop) because they don't see a lot of people behaving/reacting to a situation in a nice way without retaliating (off course if somethig happens over and over again then you can't ignore becasue that is simply people taking advantage of you being nice). Try to move on and another thing which might help you is that try to remember her bad habits and also take it as a call from Allah Almighty because you sure were astrayed from the right path. Brother, she will get the punishment for whatever she did and honestly speaking you are both in the same boat (no offence but it's true). So, just repent your self and turn to Allah Almighty, take some holidays with friends if you have enough finances and you have friends available and if that's not possible then join a charity where you can help others and see how this pain and suffering will go away Insha Allah. It is sure tested bro and Insha Allah write back to us and let me know how did it go. Oh! and when you get married, treat your wife with respect, love, care and look after her and believe me your ex will realize what she is missing. In that case you are not hurting anyone by delibrating doing bad to them and at the same time your wife will love you forever and will do everything to win your heart. (The best revenge).
    Wasalam mks1982:)-

  9. Its amazing so human being mostly having same problems so that why Quran is not going be change its devine Hidaya for ever y one every time.
    Same as the Message from Holy Prophet is last and complete.

  10. salam,

    I thought I am the only one suffering, but to see all these people I realized no one is safe from such pains.
    I have been in a loving long distance relationship since 2 years. he would come over here 2 times a year to just see me.
    These visits opened the door for me to learn that he had a serious gamibiling problem. finally last January I told him I can not accept this anymore. After all the talk he admitted he is doing haram and wrong. So he said he wont gamble anymore.

    now he is permanantly here. He told me he is divorce and just has a freindly relationship with his X who converted to Islam after marrying him.

    last week he called me that he needs money when I asked him for what he said his daughter took his backpack inside (which is very heavy) for a seven yrs old. and he is gone far away. when I told him I dont beleive this he said I needed internt so I took it inside and stayed there for a few.
    ofcourse I was harsh since I knew he is not clearly telling me the turth but I ended sending him money anyway. its been 5 days I have not hard from him. I am so much and pain coz i feel I used a harsh language called him unlimited times, texted and apologized but he did not reply once. I even wrote him if you dont want me to call or get in touch let me know I wont bother you but no reply. and since yesterday his phone has been suspended
    I am in such pain write now. I tried to recite and spoke to freinds for advise. I dont know what to do... I cant reach him I dont know any of his freinds to where he is to fix the situation. I love this guy very much even we planed on getting married and starting a family... but this guy is not torturing me and he knows I cant be upset with anyone for long I just feel bad. some of his important paper work is with me. I dont even know if he is going to contact me or not. I dont know what to do? what if he doesnt come back? I am scared and needed to open to someone. the empty feeling is killing me. do you guys think he can just leave me like that? I thought every day in relationship is not sunny you know. I am harsh but have a very pure heart now tht he knows my weakness he is abusing me. he is not communicating at all.
    Does any of you guys out here can give me adivse do you think he just mad and punishing me or is it really the end of it. and what action should I take...... I am in so much pain when I am trying to pray honesty I cant concentrate ...

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