Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Betrayed by an unjust husband

Husband is going astray

Salaam. I am married with two children. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. My husband had to leave the country due to issues which we could not control. We have not lived together for a few years. However, we have kept in contact by phone, skype and we visited him in the other country.

When he left to live in his country with his mom and dad I would send them money when I had extra so they would not go without because there is a lack of work there and I consider them my family. I have stayed here in this country only to pay off my loan and my husband knows this.

I get no financial support from my husband for anything. I told him help your mother and father first then if you can us. I understand.

However, what I later found out last month was that yes he was helping his mother and father but he also married someone else and got them pregnant too and is supporting them and living together.

Just before our child and me went to visit him overseas my car broke down and I had to get another car to keep going to work and support my family. He knew we had to go back. But if only he asked we would have stayed to find a situation to pay off my loan. It also hurts to find out a month after we visited him he said his mother forced him to marry another.

Also that same month it was confirmed that I was pregnant with our second child. I was so happy for our new blessing . I worked through my entire pregnancy on my feet all the time and doing physical work too. There were many times when I was walking and then my hip would go out and after work it would be hard for me to get in my car and drive because I was in so much pain. And my feet were always in pain. I drove myself to the hospital because my water broke while I was at work.

But there was still no help for me. I told him what was going on. I think the only reason why he finally told me the truth was because I asked to live with him overseas. He later told me in a email that he had another wife and baby that is only 2 month younger than our child.

Now, he tells me that he wants me to have peace in to my heart about the situation. He says we are the old house and his family he has now is the new house and he does not want to destroy it.

First he told me she is only there to take care of his parents because it is his duty as a son to help his parents in old age. Then he tells me he still loves and miss me and the children. I asked him when we come where would we stay if the home is so small and there are not enough of rooms. He says his home is always open to us. And he does not know where we would stay. Then he said the children and I can visit throughout the years. I am married to him. How could he say such a thing.

He says his goal is to support "his" family. What about us?

I ask Allah for guidance. But I feel my heart breaking and that everything I have been doing to reunite my family disappearing. He says he does not want to let us go. Nor do I want us to leave.

But there is something else that he said that hurt. When he said if we were there he would feel like he is cheating then I told him but I am your wife and he said yes you are right. He is my husband I love him. He says he has to follow what his mother says. Because, if she disapproves then Allah disapproves. But, to break a family is not right. He said it is up to his mother if we live there. I don't want to disrespect anyone. But I don't want to be without my husband and our children without their father. This situation seems very one sided. This is not just. Help I need advice.


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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister,

    Sad to know your situation, I almost cried while reading your post because I am in the same situation as yours. Maybe what you need to do is accept that you are already in that situation and if you think you can handle that situation for the rest of your life then do not divorce or leave your husband. For me what I am doing now is just concentrating on my career to support our child, its not that easy to think of divorce especially if you already imparted in your mind that you want a family, a father of your children and if you really love him.. Just always pray and ask Allah (swt) for guidance in making decision.

  2. May Allah help you in this situation. You have been betrayed, it is very hard to accept this reality because you have been doing so much for them. The sooner you accept the reality the better it is.
    You have been living a courageous life. You took care of the children all by yourself. You earned yourself. Getting divorce will not change anything except your emotional attachment with that guy. As he didn't fulfill his responsibilities he is guilty of disobeying Allah as well. If one cannot fulfill the responsibilities of each other either forgive each other or get divorce.

  3. In the name of Allaah!

    Sad to hear your situation. What Maslam said, I strongly agree.

    Sister what you are doing on yourself is a sin. Stop burdening your self and torturing your self. Wake up.

    Get the divorce as soon as you can.

    Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) knows the best.

  4. Salaam

    Men were told: "But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). " What your husband has done is a major sin - what you describe is exactly that: he has left you hanging in the air, together with your children.

    Furthermore, he is not fulfilling your rights as to be provided for, and have your children provided for. Nor is he protecting you, and being your shield and guardian. He is de facto no husband at all.

    As I see it, if you stay married to him you will live a life without having any of your rights fulfilled, while your husband is off caring for another woman, supporting, protecting and loving another woman, making her pregnant and being her husband. What he said to you, that he would feel like cheating if he were with you, tells us that he does not feel like you are his wife any longer.

    Your marriage is nothing but a sham. If you stay married to him, you will be shackled by your marriage while he is free to love somebody else. Which he is already doing.

    My advice is divorce him asap. You already have no husband, only heart break. So - get rid of the heart break!

    Allah will provide.

    You deserve a husband who loves you, respects you and protects you. I will make duaa for you.

  5. I agree with the other commenters that you should divorce him. And stop sending him money ASAP! Do not send him another penny. What a cad and a jerk.

    You are strong and you will survive. Keep on taking care of your children just as you have been doing. One day Insha'Allah you will find a decent man who will be a true partner and support to you. Do not settle for anything less.

    Wael Editor

  6. Sister your story is heartbreaking( hugs to you) I sincerely felt your pain while reading it - it reminds me abit on what I just went through (abandonment) this man sister, is clearly a coward, his making up lies and excuses as to why he had to marry a second wife. Your a strong lady, please distance yourself from this user, one day Allah will punish him. Do not go to him

    I agree with Wael, please seek divorce and move on with your life, your a strong woman - focus on your life and your kids, stay focused on that and not what he is doing..... reduce contacts with him

    as women we are too emotional we don't see what was done to us. please watch youtube video by Yasmin mogahed 'how to heal abroken heart' heal your soul and move on... turn to Allah for guidance and strength.

  7. Sister your husbands behavior is absolutely disgraceful,

    You have put up with enough and you have done so, so incredibly gracefully, you are a very strong women mashallah, i'm usually not in favor of divorce but its seems evident in this situation that its the only choice you have left,

    May Allah make your struggles easy for sister

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