Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My boyfriend was forced to marry someone else, I’ve tried suicide twice

Lonely woman walking alone on the beach

My boyfriend and i live in australia, we are in a living relationship from 2 years finally we decided to get married. he does really love me but he respect his mum alot so he went pakistan to tell his parents, especially his mum.

His mum called me up and gave me some stupid excuses but the main reason is she hates me. as she have already selected some one from her family for my boyfriend, and when i got to know, i called that girl up to step back but she created a scene.

my boyfriend has fight for me alot, he even took poison but his family was emotionally blackmailing him, and at the last moment his mum got heart attack and my bf was left with no choice.

he said to me, "i cant do anything, i cant see my mum dying and this is her last wish."

so my bf said he will marry her but wont be able to accept this nikkha and that girl by heart. and he said he will always love me, and will live with my memories. so i tried to be strong and said him to do so, but i wasnt able to hold myself so i tried to commit suicide twice.

i cant accept this thing, it way hard for me, i have spend 2 beautiful years with him, i was with him 24/7, each and everything remind me for him. even i hate seeing my self in mirror. i not able to forget his habits, his way of talking, being lazy, hugging me, teasing me. my life has been ruined. i wont ever be able to let any1 get near me.

i seriously want to die, i have tried twice but still im alive with that pain.

- jeeya

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56 Responses »

  1. Hi Jeeya.
    Please, dont think about die. Your life is a gift and you have many possibilities that You even dont realise now( in this difficult situation ) and You still have chanse for future . I think , I understand what you are going through. All your disappointment is reasonable. I met one man in my life that was very important but I 've never realised before what his environment and parents requires from him. If you live with someone for years or months you became a part of his life, like you told, you remember every his habit. That memories you cant erase because it still lives in your mind- I know that it is very paintful every time you try to reproduce some details , it hurts again and again...
    But this way of thinking nothing changes, only time can cure it...
    Please try to live your own life , have hope for better time.
    Our west culture have different rules, you have build your safety world with him , you trusted him and you had reasons to feel safe. But this relation is not good looking in his environment. I know it by my relation with muslim man, everything was beautifull, but his background remain him that he have obligation for his family and must merry woman of his mother choice. It is totally shocked for me as in our culture something like this doesnt exist. It is his obligation that he always know about but never realised before about consequences to hurt You. I think it is luck of responsibility from his side and double thinking so not being honest.

    I am so sorry that many woman go through experiences like that.
    Jeeya, please be strong woman. You are valuable person and I truly believe that you will be happy in Your life.

  2. Dear Jeeya,

    the same thing happened to me and i know the pain. i am living proof that life does go on, and you should by no means take your life. it has been one year since the man that i loved left me beacuse his parents blackmailed him into leaving me and marring his cousin. In my case my ex-boyfriend's mom also had a disease and told him if he does not marry his cousin she will die from the disease.

    You have the choice to rise up above what happened to you. What helped me a lot is volunttering at a hospital, or other outreach group. it will help you to see others which need help, and be able to help them. it will make you feel more productive. I also met up with friends, I read books, I took up hobbies, and tried all i could to keep busy. I also made a list of all the bad charachteristics of my boyfriend, and would read them to remind me of the bad stuff. You can find some Trust me it helps.

    Take care of yourself at this time. Your life is precious, and like i said. I have been through the same thing, and i am ok. If i got though this so can you. I know that it hurts very much to go through this, but with time you will begin to feel better slowly.

    One last thing that i noticed you said. My ex also told me he loved me truly. Be careful that he does not try to come back to you. This happened to me. If he tries to come back to you you need to be strong and tell him that he can't. You will always end up sharing him with the other woman, and that is not fair to you. Take care of yourself, you deserve better.

  3. Bismihi hi Ta ala

    As salaam mu alaikum WA rahmatulla

    All praise is due to Allah peace and blessing upon our beloved leader and Master Mohammed S.A.W

    A lot of the time we come across problems of such a nature and many a time the problem lies with us

    Islam the most perfect religion has thought us not to go near to zina for that is the route to all evils toady we as Muslims feel that we can go on and do all the things that Islam has not allowed us to do and then expect the help of Allah and sad enough to say today we don’t even know what sin is (we have not identified sin)

    For example we think that zina is only subjected to intercourse but Nabi S.A.W has said that looking at a strange man or woman with lust is zina of the eyes having a lustful thought is zina of the heart touching a strange man or woman is zina of the hands etc.....................

    Sister you mention that you had a relation with this boy and now his parents did not approve of you and you have tried to commit suicide twice

    So where in Islam is it allowed for a man and a woman to have a relationship out of wedlock??

    Now you built a bond with a person that Islam does not allow and then when our parents or the opposite party does not approve of it then we want to commit suicide AND THIS IS BECOMING A MAJOR PROBLEM In SOCITY


    If we want peace in our lives then obey Allah and his Rasul S.A.W and you will find such enjoyment in life and even in the midst of problems a person will find peace and contentment

    So ask Allah for forgiveness for the past sins that you have committed with your boyfriend shed those tears of remorse and then see if Allah does not take away the pain and then lead your life in a way that Allah will pleased with you

    For Allah says any person that comes to me a hand span I come towards him a arms length and if a person comes to me a arms length I come to him walking and if you come to me walking I come to you running
    Allah loves you and has given 2 chancres already it is all most as if Allah is telling you that he dearly loves you. All you have to do is make some effort to get closer to him and Allah knows best why he did not allow your marriage take place to the boy you so dearly love so we should not question Allah and ask why this or why that and sometime it is our own actions that drive the mercy of Allah away

    May Allah Guide me guide you and the entire ummah of Nabi S.A.W to the straight

    Please make dua for me and inshallah I will make dua for you

    Brother A

    • DEAR BRO.. wat ya ve said so far s 100% corect.i ve realised thngs.. and its all our decision to go against god, when we suffer , we feeling bad for...its ridiculous.. i hate myself for going against god..

    • Asalamu aleykum Brother A thank u so much and jazakalah that is verry true
      i had a serious relationship with a guy but after many negatives i took a decision of leaving him coz he was not religious...
      he even tried to weaken my IIMAN but Allah guide me
      to my sisters never except to any one come closer to u rather then ur halal husband..
      actually i used to be with someone but was not letting him to come closer to me..
      and when he tries i kicked him out..
      be strong and obey ALLLAH..
      men are evils

    • Same happened with me. But guess dear Brother what! He was my husband,by Islam and by Law with both of our families approval... After2 years they force him to marrie with someone from their place top who knew about me, and still agreed but they didnt even mention this bitch to me...... Yes, im angree.and fed up but not gonna kill myself for the stone age tradition, what doesnt build on the Islam... They just made difficult the life for their own blood-my husband!

  4. salaams. i am suffering a simllar situation and i dont know what to do, he got married on the 29th dec 2010, he said his going to pakistan to visit his family, and his freind told me that he got married and later he told me that he got married but he couldnt tell me as he couldnt face me.. and now he says let us be good freinds, he was never my m friend.. ia m so confused and hurt... and i dont know what to do.. please help me

    • salaam sister. PLEASE dont be friends with him- I know this will hurt but u MUST accept hes married now, and being 'friends' with him is wrong - it will lead to zina most likely. You are like his 'puppet' right now, and weak -he will pull the strings and you will do as he says.You have to cut off all contact from him. It will hurt you, but you need him out of your life. So change your number if you have to - a lot of men are very good at sweet talkin their way back - but have nothing to do with him now hes married.

      Time will pass and InshaAllah you WILL move on. In the meantime make sincere tawbah - by 'being with this guy in the past - emotionally or physically was a sin by being 'friends' even is a grave sin

      "Rasulullah (SAW) explained: If one of you were to be stabbed in the head with a piece of iron it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman whom it is not permissible for him to touch." (Reported by al-Tabaraani; see also Saheeh al-Jaami, 5045).

      "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32)

      BUT- Allah is the Most Merciful, so sister turn to Him, repent sincerely, seek His forgiveness and get close to Allah swt. Pray all obligatory prayers if you dont already, and each day try to do more good deeds, so read more Qur;an, do night prayers where possible - this will strengthen u InshaAllah. Make dua - TALK to Allah, ask Him for strength to keep away from such sins. Know that He is always there and with time u will move on. You deserve better than to be used like this. So turn away from him and turn to Allah. Avoid mixing with the opposite sex from now on - you have experienced the consequences of your actions - so learn from them.

      May Allah swt forgive you and give u the strength to keep away.

      • salaams, thank you for guiding me, have been fullfilling my obligatory prayers regularly.. i also fast, i prayed to Allah to keep us togather, but it didnt not happen. his freind said that he did it for his mum's sake and he stopped calling be because he cannot face me.. now this really hurts.. his not in town at the moment his in pakistan, his going to come back soon, and i am sure he will look for me ... should i listen to him what he has to say or i jus let go, as now he is already married... do i have rights in his life? i jus love him so much.. i am praying and asking Allah to guide me to the right path but still i am hurt and confused.. i want my heart to heal fast ... please help me..

        • sister, I am sorry for your pain you are going through. You are heartbroken, you feel betrayed an I know that feeling where you feel stuck an that intense pain when you lose someone close to you. I have been through it- i felt lost for som time afterwards - but you know what - NOW - ALHUMDULILAH - IM HAPPY, I MOVED ON. I am telling you this cuz I want you to know YOU TOO can get through it.

          "I want my heart to heal fast"
          Ok you want to heal? It will take time you go through different stages - but some things will make it take longer or prevent you from healing at all.

          - you NEED to change your mindset - yes its hard but the sooner you accept its completely over the sooner you can move on to the next stage.

          -Know that you don't have rights in his life - his wife has rights over him - i know this hurts but you must accept this - otherwise you will drive yourself to destruction.

          - LET GO- erase him from your life (his n.o, if he contacts you tell him you dont want to speak to him anymore and dont call again- or dont pick up if you dont feel strong enough) You cant have any contact with him.

          - Dont question why he did this or that? This went round in my head for ages - an only when i stopped questioning did i really start to heal

          - If he comes into your mind, busy your mind with something else useful - read a surah in arabic, then english - try to think about it.

          -Be smart - focus on yourself, and your relationship with Allah swt. Spend time mending it an nurturing it. Make tawbah.

          - Keep busy - take up a halal hobby or get involved in halal project. (i decorated my room- it was a great distraction - it was like - a new me) Increase knowledge about islam.

          - Know that you will in time move on InshaAllah.- if you follow these advice and stay away from him- (This will be a distant memory)

          - If you allow yourself to talk to him or be friends with him you wont move on, he will never be yours anyway - and you will be earning Allah's anger- so dont fall into the trap of convincin yourself that its ok

          NOW ITS YOUR DECISION - I pray you make the right choice.

          * Think of it this way - There is no good in the disobedience of Allah. You commited a sin being emotionally involved with this guy, you are now experiencing pain as result. But Allah is the Most Merciful. He still loves you. Allah has called you back to Him through this trial. This is an opportunity now to change your life so grab it with both hands. Make sincere tawbah, give sadaqah if you can. (Dont put yourself in the situation again - dont be 'friends' with a guy - keep all necessary contact with guys within islamic guidelines)

          * Dont make dua to have him back in your life in any way- make dua for Allah to give you the strength to move on. Make dua for Allah to seperate you from these wordly affairs. Make dua for Allah swt to protect you from such deeds. Ask Him to fill your heart with noor and to give you happiness and peace.

          Forgive me for the harshness of this post - I just want you to wake up sooner then I did. I love you for the sake of Allah swt and I want you to do the right thing- this is the reason for my tone. I am here if you need support - but Allah is always there day/night so turn to Him and know that you are never alone. I hope this helps.
          May Allah help, forgive and guide you (and us all)

          • SMuslimah,

            Good advice maashaAllah!


          • SMuslima: How long did it take you to move on? I'm having a lot of difficulty letting go of someone who does not want to be with me anymore. I don't have contact with him anymore, but, he continues to reside in my heart and mind, and despite my prayers he won't leave.

          • @ precious star
            Salaam - it took quite a long time - I was very attached - (but alhumdulilah not as long as i thought.) The worse of it - about six months. Healing isnt a case of waking up one day and knowing your over it. Each week or month, it gets just a little easier, you think of him a bit less. etc.

            If its been ages an you still feel like your stuck in the same place, you need to take a hard look at yourself sister. Not to blame you, but i only got out of it after i changed my mindset.

            Its only natural to mis him- dont beat yourself up - but ask yourself what is your mindset?

            - missin him an pining for are different. Dont make dua for him back. Dont question why he did this etc. Focus on yourself and relationship with Allah swt NOT this guy! I took so long to heal as for ages i was stil secretly hoping he'd be back, wonderin what he was doing, makin dua for him back - but when i started to heal was when i:

            -stopped qs why, focussed on myself, made tawbah an kept myself busy. i decided enough is enough an tried to bring some good out of it. So try to do this. Its stil hard but its your first step to healing. I realised that Allah swt had blessed me wit this break up. Not only that but he saved me from the worst sins durin tht time i ws astray. When i realised how much Allah stil protected me even tho Id left my deen - it brings tears to my eyes - SubhanAllah.

            - accept it was a sin whether it was physical/emotional/both an make tawbah-
            ths important.
            - i know you are unmarried an lonely but avoid dwellin onthis - jus focus on ur relationship with Allah an in time InshaAllah. As long as you stay on right path no matter what happens to u- u will get a beautiful spouse in Jannat InshaAllah. Make ur deen your priority. I hope this helps. May Allah bring you happiness, an noor from your pain. Ameen.

          • salaam sister deeviniti. I agree with you about these men who marry back home, and their tendency to lead double lives. I have alhumdulilah never directly experienced it but have known people who have. (There are far too many stories.)
            Us women are generally more trusting then men. We think with our hearts a lot, we feel a lot. This is how Allah swt made us. We want love we want to be beautiful and special its part of our fitrah but these men take advantage of it.

            I disagree with you on the last point. Loving someone is one thing, but love is generally more than just a feeling - its an action. Feelings alone may not be a sin if they are not acted upon but dear sister its the things which lead to loving someone thats a sin if you know what I mean. Letting someone if your life in such a way, talking, emotionally bonding with him - these are all forms of zina dear sister. Because what leads to a sin is a sin.

            And Allah swt has given us all worth. He knows whats best for us.He wants us to experience the beautiful things in life - love, intimate relations but in the right way. With someone who is married to us. In a manner tht is pleasing to Allah. Someone who wont use us. This is how Allah has protected us (both men an women) an if we adhered to these guidelines in the Qur;an an Sunnah, many of us wouldnt have these problems. That said we are all humans an we make mistakes. We hav no right t judge each other but is important we acknowledge any sin, ask Allah to forgive us an refrain. We all deserve to be treated better than this, and I pray that all of us muslims (especially me) learn to live the quran an sunnah.

        • I am wondering ,why don,t these selfish boys think of there moms before making any commitment to inocent girls. After using these girls they become moms obedient sons.Its becoming very common now ,the girls should be smartenup. Dear sister,one thing you should believe that if you don,t get something you want ,God has something better than this. he(the boy) doesnot deserve you. You are a very loving person .So don,t waste your time and energy about something useless.
          God bless you .

          • I completely agree with you Sonia.....

            Parents, Religion and other things are just fake excuses..... in most cases I have come across, esp. about Pakistani Men in love with non muslim women, there has always been a certain pattern.... either they blame it on their parents or they blame it on the religion, but they never blame it on themselves.

            Every single time, first of all they hide their impending 'arranged' marriage from their beloved, then they suddenly vanish (either to meet their families back home, or some other 'creative' excuse'), then suddenly there's no contact, then while you're worried to death for his well being, you out of nowhere receive a mail or phonecall from his uncle or friend, 'He got married!' Then while you're almost on your deathbed, after this betrayal, they resume contact to claim they still love you and no one else, couldn't tell you (rather acted behind your back) because they couldn't face you..... it's just been the same story in every single case!

            ...and for such selfish & cruel people, who betray someone innocent, who betray someone's love, faith & naivete, you can never not even in your dreams even think of them as your beloved, for they're nothing but cold, cruel, spineless, selfish Sinners!

            They never think of Zina when they're with you, Zina it seems only applies to the non muslim women here!!! These men they never think of their parents, their 'AILING' mothers, when they go about claiming their 'LOVE' for you...... but when it comes to respecting the commitment, all of this comes to the fore. Is it all about him & his ailing parents??? Doesn't he think of the person he's going to backstab, their parents, who also might suffer when they see their child getting suicidal???? It's just that they never cared enough, for those who truly love, act very responsibly! if they can't be with you, they will never get involved in the first place. if they can;t give you what you truly deserve, they will never create a situation where your self respect is dented. Remember one thing in life, do not ever go by what a person says, believe only what you see reflects in his actions! Because if they truly mean what they claim, they will make sure it reflects in their action too. And in that case, these men who betray and run away, are nothing but utterly selfish..... spineless liars who won;t even care and leave someone to die.

            ....And I am ashamed of people who call loving someone selflessly as a Sin. I wish they could understand the difference between 'LOVE' & 'LUST'. They probably don't even know what God expects out of us.... for they don;t even know God is nothing but manifestation of selfless love and goodness.... that he loves who love others selflessly..... he's too loving himself, to not understand selfless love people have in their hearts..... he doesnt punish who truly loved....

  5. some please help me aswell. i was with someone for agess and he left me because he commits adultery with other girlzz. i have not done nuffing like that with him. but he told me he loved me and promised hel marry me. he rang me and told me that he is marrying his parents choice and is having a bit on the side! we go to the same collge aswell. i cant stand him but i stil dearly love him and care about him and i dont want to!! i wana forget him!! im goingg madd day and nyt thinkin abt him!!!!!!!! he was not a good muslim boy before i went with him. he drank and he had sex with many differnt girls but i did not know about this. all that time he lied to me. i am propa hurt and i cant forget him!! please can someone giv me some advice, i had nevver dated a boy before until he came along i thought he was the one. i told him that i were goin to umrah and we can not date anymore and he told me he would wait. when i came back he went all horrbile and he dumped me. he always swears at me and calls me horrbile stuff which is really upsetting i dont know what to do. i read ma namaz and i do everything a muslim girl should. im so regreting for what i have done and i cant forget my past mistakes and also it has been 6 months now

    • Sister heena, sorry to hear about how that boy used you. End your contact with him completely. In time the feelings you have for him will fade.

      If you need a more detailed answer, please log in and write your question as a separate post.

      Wael Editor

  6. salaam . i have lost all contact with him but i see him in collage and it is really anoying me. ive tried my best to ingore him but i can't ingore him i don't know why and he also talks to one of my friends which he is in the same class with and he always back biting about me which gets really anoying. i just dont know what to anymore. i told her not to talk 2 him and tell him to back off he stil does not back off. i just don't get what his problem is. also i am on facebook and he blocks me one day and the next he unblocks me. its very anoying. even tho he does not care about me or anyfing he still won't leave me alone.

    • Heena,

      This situation is getting to you because you are still allowing him to take control and perhaps because you still want to hear from him. Time for you yourself to put a lid on this time wasting situation and make some changes in your own life as you cannot control this boy, but you can control yourself to some extent.

      - So start by taking control by blocking him on facebook yourself.

      - When he backbites about you, he is damaging his own soul, because backbiting/slandering is a big sin in Islam. So remember that and brush it off like dust on your nose.

      If you show him no reaction, eventually he'll get bored and move on. If that is what you really want.

      As Wael said, if you have anymore questions, please submit as a separate post inshaAllah.

      SisterZ Editor

  7. Hello to all , I am here to regarding the same situations mentioned above. Two days ago I found out that the birth Pakistani guy that I have been seeing for four years had gotten married in Pakistan to his cousin. He had promised me marriage and never leave me as I was worried that he would because I had heard so many stories about Pakistani men would never marry anyone other than a full cultured Pakistani cousin. I am from a different culture background but my way of living is very similar to Muslim. I believe in Allah and am a practicing Muslim , even more after I met him. In 2009, had an abortion because he convinced me it was the right thing to do. I know that we both sinned and ever since I have been asking for forgiveness. Not long after the abortion, two months later he told me that he was going to Pakistan to his cousins weddings. During the month that he was gone, I was worried to death and went through deep depression and was given medication. I could not get a hold of him , no contact at all. I wad praying every night that he was ok because he use to tell me how dangerous Pakistan was. When he finally came back ... We went back to normal , I never had a clue that he was actually married now. It came to a point recently where he was very angry towards me because he said he was stressed out. I met a friend of his who asked me accidentally, how can our relationship work so nicely knowing that he is married. I asked my partner and he told me no he was not. I looked into it anyway and I found out that he was.I discussed it with him & he keeps saying that he didn't wanna lose me and he had to do it because it was his mum & grands wish. But he also admitted that he has slept with her on several occasions. He also went to Pakistan late last year and he spent a month there with her, he had told me he went to his uncle cause he was sick. I am such an emotional wreck that I don't know if I should be sad, angry or both. He is now saying that he done all this hiding because didn't wanna lose me. He is mow suggesting that we get married also , do Nikha. And this way it will be right and we will always be. His wife is applying for her visa to come over and he is expecting the news in two weeks. He admitted the last time that he was stressed out with me is because his wifes first application was denied and he was getting pressurised and told off by his family. If he loved me wouldn't he avoid sleeping with his wife even if he is pleasing his parents ? I'm so confused and hurt but also can't stand the thought of letting him go. He is promising me a good life like we always wanted, but married this time. He will live a double life. He was all I got , I had a very difficult life and childhood. I literally have no one. I only loved him, he was the breathe that kept me going each day. Please help me.

    • Salam sister,
      although I am sure one of the editors will ask you to post your question in seperately, I just want to give you very brief advice. Please leave him, you will not be happy. He didn't have enough gutts to take a stand for you and gave into his parent's wishes. Now he wants you to be his second wife? He is messing up 3 lives here: his wife's, yours & to a certain degree his own. Unless you want to be the 2nd wife in his life and that too you have no gurantee as he wasn't honest with you about marrying his first wife, I would suggest though that you practice patience and move on. You are bargaining yourself for a very low price here. You are worth & deserve better.
      -Helping Sister

      PS: I am sorry if I ticked off any of the editors. I just wanted to give this sister very brief advice and I know the policy is to write in for help but my heart just went out to hear and I couldn't help but reply. I am sorry if I went against the policy of replying.

      • It's no problem.

        Wael Editor

      • Dear Sgp85
        Leave this man you are seeing he using you. It is haraam for you to carrying on with this relationship now he is married. This relationship of yours is not going to work because he didn’t have the guts to stand up for you IS THAT LOVE AND BEING HONEST for marriage. It was all lies open your eyes and leave him he is not worth waiting for. Look for someone else not for second best stop letting him mess with your head cos if he did love you he would have been honest before he went to Pakistan to get married and why switch your phone off that’s just tells me he never cared about you. I pray you find the correct path and patience to more forward amen.

        • Another thing sister Sgp85
          This really gets me if this guy really cared about you he should have put his own MOTHER FIRST BEFORE ruining your life if it really mattered for him to do what his mother wanted in the first place. Why don’t guys like these think of there own MOTHERS AND SISTERS before wrecking an innocent’s girl’s life like this. What I am saying is men like these are cowards you are only wasting your time he was only keeping you until something else came up. For your own respect you must look to your own life and build a better future for yourself only not with this sort of guy he isn’t worth not even for another second. I really hope you leave him and don’t stand another minute for this

    • Hey girl,
      I seriously don’t know what to say.. fine he got married for his parents but having a physical relation with his wife while saying he loves you doesn’t make sense. Does his wife knows about? Don’t you recon he is playing with 2 lives till now. If he really loves you then he should respect you and this relation, and the first thing he should do is to tell her wife about you too. Trust me don’t go for this second marriage stuff, It will kill you deep down. If I ever had a chance to get my boy back, I will prefer that he should leave her if he wants me.. I have seen people getting destroyed by this 2 marriages stuff. I can understand your pain, I just want to say as a women you need a very big heart to see your boy with someone else. I have lived a very difficult life with lots of problems and he was the only person I have ever loved. I really miss him, it have been 6 months and I have been crying every single night for him.. the pain is getting more deeper day by day but still I will never prefer to be his second wife. I will never bare to share him with anyone!! Hope this can help.

    • Sgp85, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. My quick comment to you is that when any human being becomes the breath that keeps you going each day, you're in trouble. Because all human relationships come to an end eventually. You need to turn to Allah and develop a strong relationship with Him. Let Allah become your source of refuge and strength. And seek whatever happiness can be found in all the blessings of your life.

      Wael Editor

    • Hi Sgp85, can you please tell us how is the situation on your end, what did you do to keep yourself strong. I am suffering from the same situation and I really feel attached to your lifestory, I dont know what to do. The same person who used to love me so dearly, has completely changed. He says he saw his mother undergoing two heart attacks and that is why he was forced to marry someone else. He does not hide anything from me, not even after his marriage to that girl, he tells me everything. But I do not know how to console myself. I still feel that getting married and actually having feelings for that person are two seperate things. I am telling him that I have no problems if he has married that girl because he did it just to keep his mother alive. I am only asking from him not to develop any feelings with that girl because I want to wait for him. I want to wait for him forever because we have a long life in front of us. This is the only thing I am asking from him. We used to live like husband and wife and I believe we shared the purest form of relationship because we were being truthful about each other. And I feel that he has married second time which is wrong because he did not inform me before marrying. I could have consoled myself if i was told the whole story and we would have sat down and sorted things out. But I got to know about his marriage only after 1 week when he went to Pakistan because of his mother's ill health. He does not hide anything from me, he is too ashamed of what he has done. He says that he tried his best and did all possible things to make his family accept me. But they never listened to him because his dead father had promised to someone that his son will be married to their daughter. And my boyfriend's mother was constantly pressurizing him to agree to his dead father's will. He loves me and he keeps saying this all the time, he says he wants to do everything possible just to see me happy. Only because he says that he still loves me, do I really feel that someday things will turn to our advantage and thats why I want to wait for him. But he tells me to accept his marriage and to forget him and return back to my country. He seems to have accepted his fate, I have never seen him this weak and I know him from last 4 years. He has never cheated me and I know he has loved me dearly. But now he says that he can do anything for his mother because he cant lose her. I feel betrayed because I was never informed about his marraige, never given a chance to console myself and it seems my life reins have been passed to someone else. I am a strong girl and my parents have never made me weak, I dont want to end my life because I want to do great things in future. But I just dont know what to do now, I am telling him constantly that I am with him and will wait for him foreover and he can do everything just to keep his mother happy. The only thing I am asking from him is to not develop feelings for that girl and to not get involved with her physically, thats my only demand from him. His nikah was done in January and his family has fixed his marriage date for July. I am not a Muslim but religion was never a problem for us because we both have broad viewpoints on this. Sometimes I think positive for him and sometimes I want to take revenge from him when he doesnt behave with me the way he used to. I have been living with him in a registered relationship in Europe and hence I believe that I have some rights on this aspect. Please help me with your suggestions about what I should do.

      • confusedovermen, you are totally deluded and fooling yourself. You were NOT this man's wife, you are NOT married to him. He is married to someone else. It's insane to ask him not to have feelings for his wife and not to be intimate with her. She is his WIFE. You are not. If he wanted to marry you, he could have done so. Using his mother's health is only an excuse. Now he is married to someone else and it is WRONG for you to continue to express romantic feelings for him and interfere in his marriage. You should have no contact with him whatsoever. You say you will wait forever for him? Wait for what?

        Sister, forget about this man and move on with your life. There are billions of other men in the world. It may be difficult but you will get over him in time. Let it go.

        Wael Editor

      • confusedovermen: I have been living with him in a registered relationship in Europe and hence I believe that I have some rights on this aspect. Please help me with your suggestions about what I should do.

        Did this man use you to get his citizenship?
        What is a registered relationship?

      • I hope you are already oveur this as I can see the time. This man was with you because he enjoyed the time spending with you and because he got right for the resident because of the registered relationship with you! I hope you get angree instead of upset and kicked him on his backside.(forgive me)

  8. What about the man? You cant tell me all f these guys are bad! Im sure they are hurting too. Yes they sre selfish to even get involved with someone else in the first place. But when are you men in these situations going to break this cycle. Why would you choose to be unhappy? So you may never see or have a relationship with the woman you really loved again but there may be others. Dont allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed not even by your own family heart attack or no heart attack. This has to stop. And women dont just walk away without a sure they wont care but maybe his family & wife need to know what he has been doing & isnt so pure & innocent as they think. It could be your last word before saying goodbye forever. The men deserves ugly wives who their parents pick if they are going to be cowards. They probably hurt worse & are jealous because their hapiness will be fake & you have a chance to find real love again. At least you have a chance. What are these parents thinking they are accomplishing by forcing their children to marry? I see sorrow, abuse, neglect, adultery, etc in their future. Few may be truly happy & fall in love. And let's not even get into the ignorant & brain washing stories of western divorce rates, etc. They would get divorced too if it were allowed...remember tgey were forced to marry & will be forced to stay. Its time to take a stance against this. Why dont any of these coward men speak out? And you are not a toy for a Muslim man let his wife/cousin be his toy. You might be hurting but imagine the silent pain in that household. His parents probably force them in bed together too & watch their every move & tell them what they are doing right & wrong. Nothing will ever be good enough & their honor means nothing when they forced their own child. Some may fall in love but usually if they truly loved someone else it will backfire. Its too bad they made the wr

    • Oh my God, you just wrote what I think.
      My husband did the same things with me. Hurt me so much, but I can see the pain in his eyes and the hope once I will forgive and forget it for him.....And also the desperate to satisfying his family too....

  9. First of all all life is a gift to us from the divine, and only He has the right to take it at his pleasure. So move on, and learn from the past. If it didn't happen, it was never meant to be, and the Almighty has bigger, better plans for you. Accept it on faith.
    Secondly, I have been reading all such articles which more or less malign the masculine, but my all too recent wipe-out (don't know how else to say it) just goes to show that women are just as capable of destroying one's heart and feelings just like the other gender. Yet two months down, I have somehow learned to live with it, minus the histrionics, and come to accept Allah's decision.
    No matter how much we love others, there is no assurance that we will be treated the same way by those we hold dearest and closest to our hearts. As the age old adage goes... $#*! happens - Deal with it !
    I hope and pray that you find comfort in the arms of those who could and will stand up for you.
    This is life, no one said it will be a cake walk. Suck it up and deal with it. All the very best.

  10. I cannot believe there are so many other women going through this same situation. I wish I'd tried this site 4years ago. Before letting this person become the biggest part of my life. So big that I feel as if he has died. But the feeling is worse because he has done this to me. Even though he says this was he's mum choice it was he's choice to do this to me. I feel so ashamed that I cannot just forget him. I feel so ashamed for my family that I have to hide these feelings that are eating me up inside. So bad that I don't want to live another day knowing that he could do this to me knowing that he loves me but has the strength to leave me with nothing like I'm rubbish. Knowing that he is living a lie to please he's family. It disgusts me the thoughts in my head at night . The man I love who loves me back sleeping with another women and after 4years I'm the other person. I'm the bad person. I wish I had the pride and will of you women. I am ashamed to call myself a women.

  11. How can these men be so cruel? They love these women and get so close then vanish. And hurt themselves in the process but these men are selfish and so are their parents because their family does know of their sons choice and still insist they know what's best. Ruining 3lives . For their own selfish honour. How can it be right to marry someone you do not care for when you love another so much. To betray everything you have ever said or done? This is realy an impossible situation with no way out. These people will never be happy. And yet they will waste their lives and have children in this way. And so and endless cycle will remain.

  12. i m n a worst situation

    • furdos, I deleted the remainder of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and try to use correct English spelling and grammar, as I could barely understand what you wrote.

      Wael Editor

  13. Im a hindu girl and i am in love with a muslim guy. We both love each other a lot and we wanted to get married. Initially my mom refused cause he was nt of our same religion n plus he was nt dat well to do as we are. Its been two years now he waited for me nw things have gone really bad his side and his parents have pressurised him for marrige. He has got engaged , i cudnt bear it n seein me in such a state my mum also gave up she said she is ready to accept him as she just wants me to be happy. But now he says its too late hw will be married in two months he has given his word to his parents... im really hurt i know my mothet took time to realize it n his parents r hurt as well... but now also things can change. Its just an enagagment he is nt married to dat girl yet... he says he yet loves me n and cant give that place to anyone in his life but now he cant go against his parents or he will loose them forever... and what about me? Doesnt he love me? Im so hurt cause he is all dat i desire he is the only man ivr loved truly from the bottom of my heart... its nt easy forget him . Der is nt a single day i dont cry for him 🙁 i dunno what to do... i wish i cud tell that girl to back off she doesn't know anything about us... but den i just dun wanna spoil things... i just want him back in my life.. i cant see anyone else beein his wifee... pls help :((

    • Hello Sania. The biggest obstacle is that a Muslim cannot marry a Hindu. It is prohibited in the Islamic religion. There is no way he can marry you unless you convert to Islam. Secondly, it sounds like he is not as committed to you as you are to him. He has already agreed to marry someone else. All in all, I think you are fooling yourself in thinking that a marriage will happen between you two. I realize it's not easy to forget about someone you love, but you need to let this man go and move on with your life.

      Wael Editor

      • I want to froget him , but i just can't i cant sleep at nites, i cant eat anything the moment i eat just throw it up, i dont want to be like dis just for one guy who cant be mine now... i dunno how to forget him, i dunno how to get over him :(( how can u forget sumone u love so much? I try to occupy myself but my mind always goes in dat direction...

  14. Hey Guys, I see that not only me was so unprepared for this catastrophe relation with my Afghan guy...I used to live in Qatar, worked there and 2, 5 years we spent together. Life wanted different scenario and I'v got accident, I had to leave my work and back to home to Poland. Colours of this relation made true. Same story like with You girls, promises for future, however I felt his fear from parents. Everything was easy when I was in Qatar with my apartment, all free facilities for us. We talking every day, he want's to come to Poland to see me in 6 months, but I'm not sure is it good idea ? He is not married yet, but I know one day it will happen. No of his friends or brothers won about this matter. For his family I am a shame secret, however he loves me so much. I'm thinking every night to break up as no future for us. His begging me do not leave him. So where is your strenght my Afghan men ? Why wont to take me now to Qatar as your wife ? He says later, lets we take some time. Hehe, I'm not so stupid.For now I'm on stage I accepted he will never marry me and he has two lifes -one with me from heart, but haram, one for family as a pure son and brother. NO NO NO!!! I know Islam very well, all the Qranic rules, additionally from 2 years desperately I'm looking for relation with God.I feel all happened because of haram way and I fully agree. I stacked between Catholicism and Islam. I need someone to reply me on my email to help me about the religion. Wish for all of us peace in heart and clean BIG HALAL LIFE WITHOUT DOUBTS ♥

  15. am crying after reading ur question. I.went through the same phase so i remembered it

  16. I am in your same hell. I want to die too because my boyfriend could not disobey his parents even though he knew my family and was accepted by them. He stayed under my parents roof for months and we all believed that he would be back to marry me. Now everything- even my home and parents- remind me of him. His parents had someone for him and within a week of telling me, he was promised! It hurts so bad, I want to die too! I'm sorry for your pain- you're not alone. Please let me know how you are.

  17. as salam alaykum.

    I'm going through the same thing. the man I love (he loves me too) is being forced by his family to get married to someone else. my family is also against my marriage to him.
    we're doing everything we can to reason with our families to let us get married to each other. we're making Du'aa, praying to Allah swt all the time to change our family's hearts.
    we will not go against our family's decisions. only Allah swt, the Most Generous, Most Merciful can get us married to each other.
    I do not think I would be able to handle the pain if he gets married to someone else. and I am having recurring thoughts of suicide if Allah swt does not have mercy on us.
    I know it's a sin and I really do not want to commit suicide. all I want is our families to let us get married to each other.
    but I cannot stop myself from thinking 'what if that doesn't happen? what if he gets married to someone else?' the thoughts are so painful I do not know what will I do if they do come true.
    I've turned myself to Allah swt and left all the decision to Him the Glorious, the Exalted.

    May Allah swt have mercy on us and all who are in such a position.

  18. I also have the same problem...

    I am 19 yrs. old from Philippines and he's 21 yrs. old a Pakistani Muslim. We're now on our 7 months into relationship. It's not really my habit to accept strangers messages but i do not know why i accept it. But i started liking him anyway. He's a badminton player and at the same time he manages that badminton club. He graduated from Masters on Commerce just this last July. And I'm in my last year in College. He's working were he took his college degree and Masters. His really a responsible guy he told me that he want to get married after 7 or 8 years cause he wanted to build house first for his Mom. His also respectful, funny and loving guy. He also said that if we got married he just want to have 2 kids he said it's hard to grow children. We really love each other so much. We're like best friends too cause we're telling each other what happened everyday. I know online relationships or online dating is haram and i want it to become halal. His open to introduce me in personal. But this September 8, 2017 he tell me that his mom already found a girl for him and their engagement will be on September 16. Now i was really hurt. Her family and friends knew me a little. He tried to explain and refuse but his mom said that some other people will not accept a foreign girl. That was really painful for my part. Very hard to accept. I told him before that I'm okay if I will convert into a Muslim. It's okay also if I will live there and find job there as a professor cause it's my profession i was completing here in the Philippines. But we just have few more days left before his engagement. I knew this will happened to me (to us) before i accept to become his girl. He was fighting for me. He asked me if he will go in the Philippines will i accept him. Of course I say yes but i don't like how he will do that just to be with me cause he said he will left his job...stole money or suicide. I don't know what to do. I keep telling him that just accept and obey his family they knew what's best and things will be different if he saw his future wife. In short, i'm the one who give up easily but he's still fighting. What should we do now to stop it. what should I do? I love him and i will surely can't take it if he's married to other girl. Those plans and dreams we build for each other...I was really hurt. Pls. help me.

    • DGT, sorry to tell the harsh truth but this relationship cannot succeed. He has no finances or resources, he lives too far away, and even he says that he's not ready to marry for another 7 or 8 years. Meanwhile his family seems intent on marrying him to a local girl. There are way too many obstacles and I don't see a future for you two.

      If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

  19. Jeeya even my story is 99%like u 1% different bcz my boyfriend didn't try for me like yours.our fate dear trust God if he is there we will get justice.dont cry like me and get hospitalised please dear friend.

  20. Hi jeeya even I m in a same situation I m Hindu he is muslim bfr his parents were k for our marriage n they were even knowing dat my family will never accept this marriage as he is muslim as my family is in politics by nw his parents r afraid dat my family wil kill him as v r in politics I m telling nothing will happen I m det wid u guys n wid him til my last but no didn't workout so his mother blackmailing him dat she wil die so he is getting engaged wid some other girl on 31st Dec 2017 I also was in living relationship from 2 and half yrs nw living without him is killing me every sec I m feeling like to just die

    • Supriya, it doesn't sound like this relationship is going to work out for you, for many reasons. I wish you the best and may your heart recover and be at ease.

      Wael Editor

      • Thank u but I love him lot even he is sacrificing his love for his parents he is telling me also to sacrifice for my parents bt it almost 7yrs relationship yar I wish I could I m almost dead buddy I dnt knw wt to do

      • How?? I know you wish the best for all of us. and you're sincere in praying for hearts to recover. but tell us how. please.
        it breaks in a million pieces every moment I think of him, or am reminded of him. and then the pieces shatter into millions.
        the man I love is getting married in March and I can't help it. his mother is forcing him into this marriage and no one can do anything about him.
        I wish I could explain my heartache to anyone but I don't have words to do so.
        Why can't love conquer all??
        it's not like I couldn't be a nice wife to him or a good enough daughter-in-law to his parents. Ii think I'm good enough. and where I lack I'm more than eager to learn. my sole ambition in life is to be a wonderful Muslim housewife. his wonderful Muslim housewife.
        I gave up everything I had to have a beautiful future with him. whenever I thought of my future it was with him, his family and mine, all together. but it will never be. atleast it doesn't seem like it.
        I ask Allah swt for strength, for that is what I need the most right now. but I can't be strong enough.
        I think I'm doing alright and then something happens and I think 'oh! I'll tell him about it and he'll react in such and such way'. but the next moment I realise I can't. he's not mine to tell him about my day and the heartbreak continues.
        everyone in both the families knows how much I love him. it's not possible for me to live without him. either I'll die of heartbreak or I kill myself in depression. it's inevitable.
        but then atleast he'll be happy in his married life. it won't matter to him or his mother or anyone else in his family. but it'll kill my mother too.
        they know it. but still won't do anything about it.
        his mother and he. they'll be responsible for my death and my mother's.

  21. Heyy miss.Don't thik about suicide because my sister also ended her life in such a case in which she was being cheated by her boyfriend.I still miss my sister and I cry for her everyday sitting lonely.Once any person is dead,then he/she never returns.

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