Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Boyfriend’s parents won’t accept me

My best friend introduced me to her cousin as she knew i wanted to find the right man to settle down with (I know realise this was not the right way now and Allah swt says things for our own benefit now). We started talking and after 6months became boyfriend and girlfriend.

boyfriend girlfriend haraam

I wasn't a religious person as a teen I did fast pray etc but never for the right reasons and didn’t really question that.  After seeing my boyfriend nearly every day we grew closer and closer and the emotions became stronger I knew he was the guy I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

As the summer just has started we decided to go out last week, my boyfriend picked me up from the corner of my house so my parents wouldn’t see but as we decided to stop of for some breakfast my phone rang and it was my house ringing. Straight away I panicked as my family never rang me as soon as I went out unless it was serious.  I decided to decline the call as a strong feeling came over that my parents had seen me get into my boyfriend’s car. After I declined the call again my phone rang it was my father this time and I knew I had been caught. 5 missed calls later I finally plucked up the courage to answer the phone when my farther said " I have just seen you get into the car with someone can you come home now please." in a very calm manner .I replied "yes i'll come home now" and put the phone down and looked at my boyfriend and started to cry. I explained to him how we have been caught and how I didn’t want my parents to find out like this as we were planning to tell our parents in July after my sister’s engagement and after his sister’s engagement too.

I then told my boyfriend that he had to come to my house with me so we can tell me parents as i don’t want to lie anymore and we both agreed that it was the time to come clean, but i was petrified of going home so i rang my older sister and explained what had happened and if she could calm them down and let my parents know I’m bringing him home to tell my family. After my sister talked to my parents she told me not to bring him and to come home by myself so my parents could talk to me first and for my boyfriend to go home and tell his parents so they can come round for risthta if that was what we wanted. So i went home and my boyfriend decided to go to his oldest sisters house to ask her for help on how to tell his mum and dad.

When i got home my father sat me down and explained to me that he was upset as i was alone with a man and how the shaitan is the third person and even if our intentions were not to mess about it still could have happened. My father asked me if i wanted to marry him and i told him i did and he advised me to tell him to bring his family over.

A few days later my boyfriend finally told his mum which i was soo happy about as i thought he would not have been able to do it as his family were very strict. His mother was angry and went to read namaaz to calm down he told me. after returning she advised him that she will speak to his father and they will decided on coming around to my house for rishta.

Yesterday my boyfriend told me his mother told his father and that he was not happy as we are not the same caste and he wants his son to get married to their choice and when he is 27 so he was not going to agree. I now feel like I’m stuck as i just wanted to get a nikah done straight away to stop all this haraam but i feel so weak as im madly in love with my boyfriend and want him to be my husband. I keep reading namaaz and i know everything happens as Allah's (swt) will is for our best, but i just want to know if there is anything that i can do to put this right and for them to approve of me.

I wish i had not  done haraam as i feel shameful and do not blame his family for not accepting me as we were seeing each other and messing about which is haraam, but i just want some sort of way that i can make them accept me and help me put all this haraam away.

I want to have a new start and change my life around and become a better muslim but i just dont know how too. Please help me and advise me of the right way to go of this situation.

Jazakallah kher.

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7 Responses »

  1. ASA sister!

    Indeed your situatin is very hard, and i know so because i have gone through a very similar situation, and im still waiting for an answer. I think you have done all you can, now u must wait and have faith in Allah. I will tell you this though, if you want to change and be a better muslim, do it for youself and not form him. And if his family does not agree, take that as an opportunity to learn from it, and next time around, come clean to your family first. Sorry to hear you are going through such hard times at an early age. I hope you the best!!


  2. Salaam sister malaika.
    I am sorry to hear of these difficulties you are going through. It is always bad to be caught out before coming clean as it breaks down trust. With respect to the haraam - the best thing to do is sincerey repent to Allah swt and vow not to commit the same mistakes again. Keep all necessary contact with this guy at a minimum and within islamic boundaries. If you sneak around with him or speak to him secretly, not only will this be sin, but you will both be losing the familys trust.

    Know that Allah does not forbid things without good reason. I do not mean to chastise you but getting involved in pre-marital relationships causes many problems for the individuals and for society, so this is another incentive/reason to avoid them. Do not despair though - if you are sincere in your repentance and you change - Allah will forgive your sins and turn them into good deeds! He is The Most Merciful. Also if you do not do salat then defineilty start obligatory fardh salat.

    Again I am sorry they have not accepted. Those reasons are unislamic - in Islam there is no caste system The Prophet SAW said that "an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab and vice versa, except in piety."
    However, you cannot change any one - there is no magic fix to make them accept you. This guy should remind them respectfully that the caste system goes against Islam.

    The best advice I can give to this guy is try to involve the local imaan or a respected elder and get them to speak to his parents and try to convince them. Of course if they agree to meet you, then be patient and tolerant even if they speak against you. Allah swt sees all and if they behave in an unjust way - then they will be held to account. You are responsible for your own soul - so be kind to others regardless of their behaviour. I am digressing - sorry. You can both only try your best.

    I advise you for now to keep your distance - that way if his parents accept then Alhumdulilah you will both be very happy, and if they do not, it won't hurt quite as much. Whatever happens, remember that it is already written dear sister and Allah will give you whatever He knows is best for you.

    I will keep you in my duas InshaAllah,
    Sara Editor

  3. Assalamu alaykum Sister Malaika,

    It is indeed sad to hear what his parents say. But what can we do? Only Allah can bring good, we in our desparation bring evil, see the consequences of trying to manage your "rishta" by your ownself, falling in love and in love madly, which is unIslamic behavior.

    If you want to fall in love madly, fall in love with Allah, love Him more than you love anyone else, people say, I could do anything for him/her, but rather say : I will do everything for Allah. I am a Muslim.

    Sister, our characters slip from heights to lows by not keeping the limits of Allah. Help your ownself, Insha Allah, come out of this low in life, do wudu, take up the Qu'ran, make it a habit to read with translations regularly and pray tahajjud. Start reading the Qur'an, Insha Allah it will inspire you with the right course of actions.

    Something I wrote on other posts, which I would like to share here with you, in case you may like to read:

    In Islam non mahram men and women cannot be in an intimate relationship without marriage . There is nothing like dating in Islam. If a person likes someone, no sin, get marriage proposed, Insha Allah if families agree, get married, if not, move on and never lose focus on Islam due to the person you "lost".

    Also, this" I am madly in love with him" and " I can ado anything for her" and " I can die for him", all this so called "love" leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is an unforgivable sin if a person keeps on doing it without repentance. Now this " I am in love" is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah. People begin to love that person more than they love Allah. They are ready to do anything for that person, but not for Islam or for the cause of Allah. Loving someone with the love which is due for Allah only is as just like associating a partner with Allah.

    165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which (they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Baqarah.

    The above verse is for idols, images, in greater sense but also human worship, etc, applies to all objects of worship which a person choses to love with the love which is due for Allah only.

    Living life for him/her, he/she is my everything, I can't live without him/her, all these words should be for Allah, but contrarary to this, people use it for their "love". In their ignorance they do not understand what injustice, wrong deed and sin they are doing by adoring someone out of limits. Allah is not pleased with such acts. Yet among our Muslim youth today, guys and girls argue about "love" and "falling in love before marriage", they argue without knowledge. Satan stirs up desires in their hearts, they become attracted to someone and make that person their "goal of life" when Allah alone should be the Goal and these words should not come up in the mind of a Muslim. These are against Islamic principles.

    162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.

    And only Allah should be our focus, the goal of our life, to fulfill His purpose.

    42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal; - Surah Najm

    And we should not say " he/ she is everything for me", rather our mouths as Muslims should utter: Allah is my all.

    38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust.

    We should repent for falling in love before marriage. Even if we did not touch or do anything, repent for falling in love and turn to seek marriage quickly and if no marriage is happening then leave it and move on in life and hope for the best from Allah. Do not remain crying for guys and girls, I know it is hard when someobe leaves life like that, but over come it, hate the actions of our own hands which led to this suffering and repent to Allah. Instead, we should cry in fear of Allah and in hope of His Mercy.

    Allah shows us a way to Paradise, to the Great Success, much better than worldly pleasures:

    Surah 23. Al-Muminun
    1. Successful indeed are the believers
    2. Who are humble in their prayers,
    3. And who shun vain conversation,
    4. And who are payers of the poor due;
    5. And who guard their modesty
    6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
    7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
    8. And who are shepherds of thee pledge and their covenant,
    9. And who pay heed to their prayers.
    10. These are the heirs
    11. Who will inherit Paradise: There they will abide.

    You have a way shown by Allah as a believer.

    Guard your modesty, be humble in prayers, shun vain conversations - flirting/ meaningless talks on phone/ dating/ music/songs/poetry - anything which is fruitless in the sight of Allah.
    So turn to Allah repentant and Seek His help. He knows you best and He alone will make it manifest at the right time what He has written in your destiny.

    Turn to Allah in true repentance that the love was a mistake, ask Him to forgive you and send you way good proposals from which you can choose the best, Insha Allah the person who would be your life partner.

    Do not worry, in ignorance of Allah laws we make mistakes and some times knowingly too, but be quick in repentance and Allah is the Forgiving, the Merciful. Seek His good pleasure.

    You spent your time and effort after one person, and the result of your conduct was loss, now turn to Allah, with your time and effort and the result with be total profit for you and no loss and more, rewards in aakhirah from Allah.

    * * *

    Hope the advice helps.

    Your brother.

  4. aoa...sis the same situation is wid me but m not still catch by anyone alhamdullilah..i also wnt my bf as my husbnd... do pray 4 me bcoz he is nt ready nw but we belong to the same cast n i thnk my parents nvr rejct him...he is nice,educated n belongs to a vry nice family,, do pray 4 me ... plzzzz

  5. Asalam-o-alaikum
    My sister (remainder of comment deleted by editor)

    • Salaams,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer it in turn, in shaa Allah.

      -Amy Editor

  6. A Salam w alaykom sister I know it has been years since this post. Yet did it ever work out with you two?

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