Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Boy’s father disagrees to our marriage


Assalam alaikum,

I am a Christian girl who has been in love with a Muslim boy for 2 years.We have had a very understanding relationship and have very rarely disagreed on any topic.

I first met my boyfriend at work. We instantly just knew there was something special between us. Later my boyfriend told me that he comes from a broken family. His father had cheated on his mother after 20 years of marriage, and that ended up in divorce. Since the mother was married at the age of just 13 years old, she decided to remarry since his father had already done the same.

During this time, my boyfriend's older brother and my boyfriend were still in high school, and were asked to chose between the parents.The father made sure that they came to him and left their mother for good, however he refused to even pay for their education. They got into drugs and dropped out of college, since the father did not support them though the lived in the same house with the stepmother.  When I met my boyfriend, at first we did not talk about marriage. But when he did, I accepted. I made him understand that doing drugs will not help in any way, and he has to put his ego aside and do his duty as a son to his mother who had tried contacting him for years.

However his father got into a fight with the sons, and they decided to leave the house.Their father had started giving them bills for the food that was served in the house, and demanded they pay rent for the rooms in the family house. When the father got to know about me, he started saying very bad things about me. I spoke to my boyfriend's mother about this, and she told me stories about the father I could not believe.

In October of last year, I had to make the biggest decision of my life. I was asked to do such a thing by my boyfriend, and I still cannot forgive myself for it. My boyfriend did not even want to talk to me about it- he left me alone to deal with the ordeal. In Gods eyes I committed a sin, and until today I am ashamed of myself. I tried to get through it, only because my boyfriend said I had to move on.

After that day nothing seemed to be right. My boyfriend and his brother had a huge loss in their business, and the older brother never stopped doing drugs and started neglecting his family.The father got to know about the loss and yet again tried to make things worse by demanding money that he had invested in the business. My boyfriend's father sent a word through his brother that as long as he lives, he will not allow my boyfriend to marry anyone, it has to be his father's choice only.

I am totally devastated. My boyfriend says that he does not live with the father or mother, and though he knows his father has always been wrong and only wants to show people around them that he is a good man, he cannot go against what his father says. Is it right to listen to a man that has always been brutal to the women around him? He destroyed his first wife's life, and she almost committed suicide twice. My boyfriend's father uses religion as an excuse to break families- including his own. He has even brainwashed the older brother who is on drugs to talk ill about me. My boyfriend told me yet again that he has to sacrifice for his father, and he will.

When I met my boyfriend I had told him my interest in Islam and he was very happy. I told him I knew some of the basics because I lived in Saudi for many years, but now I see my world crumbling. What do I do? Do I wait for him? Am I right?Was what he did right? Does Islam say that even if your father's intentions are wrong, you have to do as he says?


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13 Responses »

  1. Alaikum salam,

    Lets enlighten somethings in your situation.

    Being muslim means perfect life. As family, as society, as individual. However in your story, their lives suck considering family or personality and so on.

    I am sorry but I have to say your boy friend and his family doesnt know anything about islam.
    Having drugs?
    Try to commit suicide?
    Cheat on wife? and still thinking he is muslim? Do you know what I am thinking? he is just wood of hell.

    As 20 years of Quran reader (researcher) I say it wihout any hasitate...

    I just recommend you 2 things

    1- Our prophet Muhammed says "Little birds starts morning hungry but they come back to home with full stomach" that means Trust Allah for your food. So I recommend you to cut the sick part (father and all others) from your lives. Get marry, find job, back up each other and live your lives.
    You don't need any sick man in your life
    2- Search İslam carefully, Trust Allah, learn it from a good resource, live it with sincerity and teach it to your husband. It is only your salvation

    • Fatih
      Thank you soo much for replying .I have tried everything to convince my boyfriend .I told him we can start fresh away from all this that has happened but he will not listen .Even if we get married he wants all the basic neccesaties (Apartment ,car ,money to invest in a bussiness )from my family .I have left it upto Allah . I have contacted a local Maulana and he has agreed to guide me to Islam .

      • "I have contacted a local Maulana"
        if he is a good man yes he can help you but.
        There are just 2 sources (books) that you can rely on.

        1- Furkan. it means your heart. if you really want to see the truth, if you don't run away from it because of your desires, you will find the truth every time you look into it.
        2- Quran it will guide you through Allah by teaching you how to pray and how to behave..

      • Asalam alykum

        That boyfriend of yours doesn't love he is just using you......and he is not a true muslim just the name because he used the religion when you don't supposed to like for example

        islam teaches us to listen to our parents and obey them but when you are not suppose to obey them is when they tell you something that islam doesn't allow.....and about the marriage ya we need the blessing of our parents but they can't force you to not marry..

        the second is he had zina with and thats haram if he truly loves you he would have married you..not have zina with you and says he can't marry you because of deen thats proves he doesn't love you just using please for your own sake don't get into that family because you will suffer and try finding about islam not muslim because islam tells you the truth but muslim tells you what he&she knows

  2. Did your b/f took permission from his father for using drugs or before having sex with you? Father is just an excuse?

    • SVS ,
      Thank u for takin the time to reply.
      My boyfriend dsnt talk to his father anymore .My boyfriend says he cannot marry me because Islam says that he cannot go against his father's will ,so he will do whatever his father says .
      I have left it upto Allah to guide me and give me the strength that i need to get me out of this .

      • So why dont you remind your boy friend this Ayah from Quran
        Lokman 31-32: We recommend human to obey parents however if they order you a wrong thing don't obey them and obey the ones in the right way.

      • First of all boyfriend girlfriend relationships are forbidden in islam! he didnt even care about having sex before marriage and now he is worried about what islam says if he doesnt obey his father?!! Your boyfriend is using his father just as an excuse!!! If he really wanted to marry you he doesnt even need his father's permission in islam!!! is his choice, he simply doesnt want to marry you and is using his father as an excuse. please do yourself a favor and forget about him, stop all the comunication with him! trust me if you dont you will be in a lot of trouble in the future, save yourself before its to late!he doesnt sound like a good guy and not like a practicing muslim anyway. He sounds like he is far aways from his religion and not a guy you want to be married to and have kids with. regardless of that, i would encourage you to learn more about islam and also about the character of our prophet muhammad peace be upon him, so next time you meet a muslim guy and want to marry , you know how his characteristics should be.

        • "First of all boyfriend girlfriend relationships are forbidden in islam!"
          is it?
          How do you expect to know the one you marry? with email?
          it is little bit exaggeration!

          of course you will have friends. However real muslims never do zina (fornication) (any kind of it see touch etc.)

          The real thing is. İslam forbid zina to protect especially women from being nocked up and abandoned alone.

          Therefore if a man loves a woman enough he needs to get permission from Allah, from woman and to prove it he should get women protected under legal marriage...

  3. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You wrote:

    We have had a very understanding relationship and have very rarely disagreed on any topic.

    I am sorry, but the truth is that the relationship was an understanding one when his needs were met, so why would he disagree with you?

    Your boyfriend has used you and is now fooling you, unfortunately.
    He was completely wrong to have an unlawful relationship with you outside of marriage in which he had a free-hand with no responsibility towards you.
    He is misleading you into believing he requires his father's permission to marry you--in which case, he should have asked his father's permission in any relation that existed between both of you.
    Your boyfriend is not the type of man that sounds like marriageable material.
    You mentioned that you are Christian, Sister, never let a man near your body and disrespect you in this way--even as a Christain woman you can understand the necessity of not engaging in premarital sexual relations with a man.

    If you really want to marry this man, begging and pleading with him will never work and will in fact create the exact opposite of what you want. I also do not think he is worth a fight.

    Please learn about Islam, it doesn't allow women to be treated in the way that you have described. If you educate yourself, you will be armed with wisdom to protect yourself in the future.

    I know that you feel that your world has crumbled, but the way I see it, now you have room to build the truth where all the lies only shattered away. Build your relationship with your Creator, Allah swt. Respect yourself. Forget about those who treat you so poorly and do not make excuses for their toxic behavior. Empower yourself with knowledge of Islam and love for Allah.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

    • Salaams,

      Masha Allah, wonderful advice sister Saba. Especially the last paragraph.

      -Amy Editor

  4. Actually after thinking my previous comments I wanted to add new one.
    Because I respected your love to that boy (who is supposedly a Muslim) I encourage you to save your relationship and try to get it into true way.
    But realized he may not worth it as other said.
    in this situation. You just need to pray for him and let him go. And draw another way for your life.
    Allah be with you...

  5. Sis you need to move on bc the way u are describing is he sounds like a disgusting human being and so is his father . You need to find another boy who loves and respects you 🙂 go find that boy 🙂 let this immature boy go . Find a man not a boy

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