Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The boy’s parents do not agree to our marriage

Love in Islam

Love in Islam

I am in a very grave situation here. I am in love with a boy, and we have known each other for 5 years. During the initial years of me knowing him, he didn't return my feelings. He used to go away and leave me, and then come back. I used to pray all the time for me to get married to him.

For the past two years he has started responding back to me with the same love, and he wants to get married to me. He sent his parents to my house, and they came saw me and my family. We both have the same family status. My parents met the boy, and also liked him and his family as well. Now we started waiting for an answer from their side. The boy kept insisting to his parents that he wants to get married here. After 3 months, his mother said that even though she has no issues with me or my family,  she wants some girl from her side. He has tried and tried but she is not listening to him.  It's been seven months and we both are hanging in the situation. At times he says to me that I should get married elsewhere. His parents won't agree. But then he says he is trying his level best.

I really want to marry him. I have prayed a lot for him to change, and he finally did. His parents have become an issue. 🙁  I really don't know how to cope with the situation. Indeed it is traumatizing that we both want to get married, and his parents are creating issues. Now he has said to his mother that if he can't get married to me, he won't marry elsewhere as well. My mother is looking for proposals as well, but nothing seems to work out for me.

Is Allah testing our patience? even though I belong to a very educated and respectable family, nothing is working out for me. 🙁 I don't want to lose him. Please tell me how should I tackle this. He means the world to me. Sometimes I think that if Allah hadn't wanted this, He would have diverted him away from me; but still He accepted my prayers, and HE changed his heart. Made him convince his parents to come to my house. All this for nothing. Allah gave me hopes and now I think He is taking it away from me.

He and his mother performed istikhara. but they didn't see any answer. It's all a complicated situation. iIwant to spend the rest of my life with him. He is from a good family, and he himself is a very good man. Please help me. 🙁 Why is his mother so negative? It's even the right of the kids to marry of their choice. I know myself, and I will adjust into their family. I know all of them. His siblings are very close to me as well, and they also want us to get married. It's only the mother and the father who are against it. They think it's not good for both of us. 🙁 Please help me. I am losing faith in my prayers now.

-Momo.sas

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37 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    The way I see it is two ways--and my view may be limited so forgive me if it seems a bit frank.

    When a person is in love, it is hard to see things any other way. I would seriously consider telling the boy that if he can't get married to you, that you have to part ways and move on (and basically consider other proposals). I suggest this because if his mother is creating such issues and he doesn't know how or what to do, this is going to very seriously impact his future decisions in his own family life. As a man, he has the right to marry and if the mother (who may be respected and loved, but in this instance, doesn't have to be obeyed) can not even find fault with you refuses you, why did the family bother to come meet your family? How disrespectful.

    The second option (which isn't really a choice, but rather a waiting game full of uncertainties and pain) is to wait it out until he decides to find a way to marry you. He doesn't need a wali and he doesn't need to be disrespectful to his family either. His family isn't about to change overnight and I can see in your heart of hearts you think that somehow you can handle it all after marriage, I am telling you that is rather difficult especially when your husband isn't by your side. We can't judge the future, but given that he isn't able to convince his parents or take a stand, he won't be able to do much after either. Frankly, he should have known better than to involve himself with you for 5 years, go to your house for a proposal, and then tell you his mother has no reason to reject you, but she wants to bring someone from the family. Did he not know their wishes 5 years ago? If so, he must take a stand with the choices he made, otherwise, this is only a recipe for a further painful situation.

    Can he not have an Imam meet his parents in the privacy of the home and talk to them about this proposal?

    Sister, we have to follow the guidelines of our religion--so please respect boundaries when talking to a non-Mahram. Sister, please do Isthikhara, and think very seriously about this with feelings of love aside. Sister, what we need in light of Islam is more important than what we want in light of the dunya.

    I pray that Allah give you above and beyond what you expect in a marriage, Ameen.

    • But ultimately i am seeking the right kind of relationship. i had no intention to keep it going if there was nothing but a time pass relationship. we both want to get married. yes he needs to take a stand but he is unable to do so. he keeps telling me that i am trying and trying.
      if i was cold and having no feelings i would have moved forward. but right now it seems almost impossible to me..:(!!! i am in the worst scenario one can be in

      • Assalam alaikum Sister,

        In seeking the right kind of relationship, you continue to have an emotional bond with this boy and are doing the exact thing that you are trying to avoid. It also seems that you are more motivated in making this relationship work out to prove that you were not wrong about it, rather than pursuing it for right reasons (e.g. your marriage with him will bring you both closer to Allah swt). I understand that you did not want a time-pass relationship, but whatever you intended and whatever you wanted in the end, are not things that you alone have control over.

        I feel sorry for you sister, because you are enabling his weakness when you make excuses for him by saying "he is unable to do so" - there is NO trying. He doesn't need his parents approval. Time isn't going to change them if it hasn't already done so. You are not fighting a decision, but years of cultural brainwashing will not change in a moment.

        As for your Isthikhara, if it was indeed "positive" then you would be married, but that hasn't happened. I am not sure why your mother performed Isthikhara because it is something that should be read by the individual needing the guidance (or at least that was what I understood).

        Sister, if you want to hear something from a fairytale book, that is one thing, but we have to stay in reality. The reality seems that you are in love with what this boy "could" be, as opposed to what he really is. You are emotionally attached, he can't take a stand and both of you are exactly where shaitaan wants you to be--in a haram relationship. Who said halal decisions were always the easiest to make? No, we have to fight, fight our nafs, fight our culture, fight our fears, fight our loved ones too sometimes.

        I really do pray that Allah grant you what is best for you, Ameen. Sorry if I was really too frank, but I feel that you are unjustifiably prolonging the pain

        • how to move on that is a question i am unable to answer... i just cant leave him..:(

          • Assalam alaikum,

            Dear Sister, it is very concerning to see you write "I just can't leave him."

            If you were going to carry on, with losing control over decisions, then Sister, why to pray Isthikhara?

            Sister, you are thinking too much and need to turn towards Allah swt, because if you have lost the ability to choose and make decisions in this love, you have become susceptible to do further sins and that is very worrisome. I urge you to put distance between yourself and this boy and speak to Allah swt regularly for guidance and support through the pain. We simply can't advise you to carry on in this way and I am sure you understand.

            You may think you need this boy very much, but you need Allah much much more. Imagine, that Allah swt loves us but never ever needs us in the way that we need him. Allah's love is unimaginable and incomparable to anything. Your love with this boy is more of a need and dependency and probably wrapped up in some infatuation. He is not standing up for you in a halal way, it is time to let go.

            May Allah give you strength. Ameen. To Him we belong and To Him we return.

        • moving on is an issue for me? i wish things work out but they arent

          • wishing for someone to do something is not = to a solution

          • Assalamwalaikum,
            You seem to be attached to a man who is not your husband at the moment, which is actually concerning. When it becomes really difficult or impossible to vision or imagine a life without this man, this is a sign that shows you how deeply you have become attached with this man. If you have truly made the choice to move on (and please be sincere with yourself about your decision to move on, there is no turning back), then, here's some advice from my own experience about "moving on".

            First and foremost, remove all his pics, messages, or gifts he gave you (for gifts, better give it in charity if its really valuable monetarily)... delete him from any social media (facebook, twitter, etc.), delete his number, and avoid anything that vaguely reminds you of him, and never talk about him, nor let anyone talk to you about him. Do not answer his calls, do not reply to his texts. Completely cut yourself off from him. You have to become hopeless about him, you have to become hopeless about this relationship as its never going to work. This does not make you a bad person and don't let anyone make you feel that!

            I think you should start changing your thoughts. You need to tell yourself that "yes, you can leave him, you will move on and you will love again". Open yourself up to all kinds of possibilities without this man. I need you to use your imagination here! Just close your eyes and imagine an unmarried and single life where you are really happy without him ...and yes, you can imagine this! Do not make this man the only source of your happiness, do not make marriage the only source of happiness. You need to snap your mind and heart out of anything that involves him. Engage yourself in activities that will develop you! It could be anything that interests you... Gymnastics, Learning about Islam (I prefer!), Qur'an hifz, etc. keep yourself engaged in beneficial activities that will help you grow, don't waste your time!

            Moving-on is a journey, that no-one knows how long it will take to reach the destination of being free from the shackles of the past and every journey is different. As for me, I went through my "moving on" journey alone. Well! I had access to a psychiatrist, but nevermind that! It can be very useful to have supporters like friends, sisters or brothers especially your mother and father. You should let them know of your decision and seek their help too. If your supporters see you getting too depressed, lonely or if your supporters see you remembering your past they should snap you out of it and force you in a different direction.

            I think you are mistaken, moving forward does not make you cold, self-ish or a heartless person. Believe me, I thought the same of myself, but it turns out to be false. "Moving-on" rather, makes you a strong, caring and a wise person. Strong, because it does take strength (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) to move on. Caring, because you are saving this man the trouble between choosing you or his parent's option. Would you want to be the woman that causes a rift between a child and his parent!? Wise because you know better from this experience to keep a close watch on your heart. Be careful to what/who you attach yourself with!

            There was a really interesting analogy I had once read. It was mentioned that, your life is like a ship in the ocean. You want to reach a particular destination. But sometimes, winds do not blow in the direction you want your ship to sail. Now, you have two choices. You can either go against the wind to reach your destination. Or, you can let the wind take you to a new destination. The interesting thing here is, whether you choose to go against wind, or with the wind, there will be uncertainty. Let's say... you go against the wind, and reach your destination, and the destination turns out to be horrible, nothing like what you expect... you would be left wondering where you could have been had you gone with the wind. Our ultimate destination is to get to Allah... to jannat-al-firdaus! The wind is like the unseen help from Allah subhana wa ta'ala. Sometimes, we may set sail in the wrong direction and the wind is there for us by the mercy of Allah to correct us, to set us in the right direction and bring us back to Him.

            I hope you will take the decision that is best for your deen, dunya and akhira and may Allah guide you with your choices, Ameen! 🙂

    • and me and my mother have performed istikhara.. we both got positive results..!! but now whats the use...:(

  2. Seeing as people normally respond to question related to sex, i am forced to come out of my shell and lend my 3 cents on this.

    Sis, perform istikhara, if things go smoothly and you feel clear headed and satisfied thinking of marrying this guy then please go ahead. Tell your parents that, the istikhara performed seems to be pointing you in that direction.

    Let them perform it as well for their satisfaction.

    Hope that helps

    • My side is all clear.. we performed istikhara everything is positive. my parents r agreeing for the proposal as well. but its the boys side. his mother is creating issues and his father has stopped taking his side as well.

      • Assalamwalaikum,
        I think you have probably misunderstood the meaning of Istikhara here.

        Let me first explain that, Istikhara is a dua for guidance, it is about asking Allah subhana wa ta'ala to take you through that path which is better for your deen (religion), dunya (world) and akhira (life after death), and to make your heart satisfied with whatever Allah has decreed for you irrespective of your expectations. Istikhara is not only about your heart being inclined or satisfied with a decision. It is about relying on Allah subhana wa ta'ala to take your life in a direction that will bring you closer to Him and bring much good in your life.

        So, if the case is that, you are finding many difficulties or complexities arising in this marriage proposal, and that things are not working out between you and the "prospective" bridegroom, then the result of the Istikhara would be that, this proposal was not in your best interest and you need to have faith in Allah subhana wa ta'ala to take you and bring to you a man who is better for your deen, dunya and akhira.

        I hope you are more clear about what Istikhara is about now.

        For more information on Istikhara you can view this lecture by Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda:

  3. First of all main thing is that if allah doesnot want to get u and he marry then no one can help u so pray to allah who is the creator of all this duniya.If allah wants u both to engaged then no one stops u both i think u have caught my point of explanation

  4. Salaams,

    The problem comes when an individual makes the outcome of a choice they control contingent upon something they cannot control. You're entirely right, this young man is free to marry whom he chooses. He doesn't need permission from a parent to do so.

    Yet, he has made the execution of that choice (marrying you) conditional upon his mother's acceptance, which he cannot control and apparently is not having much success influencing.

    Ideally, he would let that aspiration go, and marry you on his own with full assurance that his mother's reasoning isn't based on Islamic judgments on the matter.

    If you don't foresee him having the courage to do that, then you have accept that you will be waiting indefinitely for things to move forward, and decide for yourself if that's acceptable.

    If you haven't already, I suggest you make istikhara about this, and ask Allah to continue to intervene to resolve the situation in a manner that pleases Him most.

    -Amy

    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. I have done Istikhara and my mother has done it too.. we both got positive results..!!!!
    we both r waiting as to how things will unfold... but he will move on if things dont work out. i dont know what will happen to me....:(......... there is no point of any arguement yet there r so many problems..!!
    wht is the best things i could do
    should i wait?
    or should i move forward? and how should i move forward? i can never do it. i know..:( i want to spend my every life with him. here and hereafter as well....!!

    • Salaams,

      How did you come to the conclusion that the istikhara was positive? If someone does istikhara and feels it's 'positive', but circumstances don't lend to the direction they were praying about going in, then I would assume that maybe the istikhara was not interpreted correctly. If istikhara is positive, things WILL go in that direction. It's very simple.

      You're asking what to do. Like I alluded, you have basically two choices:

      1. Wait indefinitely, and stay in suspense.
      2. Cut your losses, and move on looking for a new prospect.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • what in your opinion is the best choice? you think things will turn out fine? or will i be crying all my life? i mother is looking for proposals but nothing is working out for me. its not working here neither its working out anywhere.. maybe something is wrong with me. i am so depressed

        • If it were me, I would move on and look into other opportunities. If he comes later and says he worked everything out and can go forward, and I was still single and interested, then I would pick it back up with him.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Dear Sister Momo:

    Like Amy said, you only have one decision to make, which is to wait or move on.

    You pray Istikhara once you have made a decision. Istikhara does not lead to a psychic message telling you what decision to make. If you decide to move on, pray Istikhara and Insha'Allah it will be the right decision. Only time will tell if that is the case.

    Praying to Allah for this boy to change his mind won't get you anywhere. Allah does not interfere in our decision-making capabilities.

    Usually, if a man wants to marry a woman, he will pursue her. If this boy really wanted to marry you, he would tell his parents that he is going to marry you regardless of their objections. Usually, parents (especially those from the Indo-Pak subcontinent) will do anything for their sons, and they will give in and accept the situation. Men are strong. They can convince their parents if they are convinced themselves. His parents will not forsake him.

    But, he has decided to obey his parents rather than fight for you. Maybe that is what he needs to do to maintain family harmony, and to be honest there is nothing wrong with that. I know that hurts but that is the decision he has made. You must accept that. I can't tell you what to do, no one can, but you deserve so much more than to sit and wait for someone who clearly is not waiting for you.

    You will get over him, it just takes time.

    • yes you are right in this regard. how to tell him that he can convince his parents.. he end up the conversation saying ok fine i should shoot them or shoot my self. then he says i am trying just wait and see.
      the wait is painful but leaving him is like death for me.. how i ended uo in such a situation even i am not aware of it

      • Assalam alaikum,

        You wrote:

        how to tell him that he can convince his parents.. he end up the conversation saying ok fine i should shoot them or shoot my self. then he says i am trying just wait and see.

        You tell him that whatever has happened is not changeable, but you can not indefinitely wait for him to convince his parents especially when it isn't even something that is guaranteed. If you were actually waiting for something that was guaranteed and it was going to take 3 months (for example), it may be understandable, but you are actually "waiting" for something that may never happen.

        The fact that he says that he should either shoot his parents or himself makes me question his maturity and it seems that he is trying to make you feel guilty as if you were asking for something unreasonable.

        Given what you have recently written, I suggest you tell him that you will wait a maximum of 4 months (maybe shorter if you want) for him to either convince his parents OR to go ahead and marry you without their approval. During this time, you and him will not privately communicate and if he needs to be in touch with you, it will be through your father, no exceptions. You have to be firm and not be in private communication with him IF you decide to wait AND there has to be a time limit on the waiting time.

        Relying solely on your feelings and emotions to make these huge life-impacting decisions is not wise and will lead to further heartache and turmoil. I agree with Khiskisay's comments above and to make the move to remove physical reminders of this boy.

        I pray that Allah eases your difficulties and grants you what is best for you and your deen, Ameen.

        • Assalam alaikum (again),

          I forgot to mention that in your conversation with him you could say something like:

          "I understand that you cannot move forward without your parent's approval and I do not want to pressure you either. My parents also do not approve of me being in contact with you and I realize that this is not allowed and I do not want to continue making this mistake. Just as you expect me to respect your decision to wait for your parents, I ask that you respect my decision to give importance to both Allah and my parents in a rightful way."

          You should not have to feel guilty for this and IF you are going to wait, at least you will not be privately talking--this will also help you to see how sincere and serious he is and it will demand his maturity and attention. I hope the best for you, inn shaa Allah.

          • this is the best i could do.. thanks for helping me out i will try to do it. i hope i am Successful. InshAllah

  7. I seem to be in the same situation. He has spoken to his parents and they have been going back and forth with agreeing and disagreeing to us getting married. I have met his parents and after that they were happy to accept our decision to get married. But a week after that they have said that they will refuse to accept it and have been so to say planning ways to stop us from getting married.
    So it is heart breaking and even I know that I should move on.
    It is difficult from having a prospect of marriage to something based on his parents decisions.
    All you can do is seek strength and guidance from Allah to do what is right and ask Him to detach you from him, however difficult it may be.

  8. I'm in exactly the same situation as yours. How did things turn out for you?

    • Hi

      I'm in the exact same situation, his mum won't agree because I'm not from his fsmily, she is constantly emotionally black mailing him saying things like "your dads passed away, your gna leave me too!

      We were together for five years, now he's decided to cut all ties with me because of his mum. He said he can't talk to me, he changed his number, I respected that I didn't try to get in touch, but he messages me of his work phone randomly once every two weeks. He rang the other day to say he's still trying but she's not agreeing. My family are happy are agreeing, I've prayed daily to Allah swt for guidance, I have faith that this will be, and if it's not meant to be Allah will have a greater plan fr me inshallah. I pray a lot so I don't feel down or sad I know Allah is listening

  9. I dont know why people start judging others and lecture them. Help her just if you can.

  10. i am facing same problem, i had relationship frm 8 yrs and he is deny for marriage bcoz his mom is against, caste issue..if he promised for marriage to me then he should take stand, convince or by going against, but he not did at all, such coward he is and to break relationship he is demanding our evrythng. they are dowry greedy people. i only want to ask.. he wil get lifetime punishment from god? karma really works? he wasted my time and i want him to get punished forever. God or hindu godess will punish him ? i dont want to marry such fraud person who wil make my life hell and my parents too..., just for our love and wrong decision they should not suffer. if i wil be in pain after marriage they wil also face pain and if he takes our property they wil be more painfull and shocked..i dnt want to give such pain to my parents , so i have decided to move on and punish him anyhow and marry a good person which wil parents feel good for me... my parenst gave me lot of happiness, i cant give them pain for my selfishness decision and the person who treat bad to me n my parents.... have never loved me, the person who listen to his mom and leave a girl ,he wil torture or leave a girl after marriage also by listening to his mom, such person is not faithful and not trusted....coward and fraud it was all timepass...a true lover wil love unconditionally and never demand .. and care for her parents too like his parents...and never listen to anyone , wil marry in any situation...that is true love... if person leaves u by listening anyone is not love then wat is use to marry such guy...arrenge marriage is far better,atleast we ont have expectation ....n if he is not such guy then he is wrong and fraud guy who dont deserve such loving parents in laws (my parents) and true loving loyal girl like me...he dont deserve true love, who dnt value true love... i belive he is fraud that is why our marrriage is not happening bcoz he deserve witch type girl who destroy his life then he wil realise wat mistake he have done.... i belive god and he do wat is good for good people and do bad with bad people

  11. Please tell us how did things turn out for you? I hope you got married to him.

    • Aoa everyone..... last yr in august he cut all ties with me.... my parents had found a proposal for me and had fixed everything..he ruined it by msgng the guy to whom my parents got me committed...and then I thought now he would not leave...but a month later he said its useless ...parents wont agree.... and thats it.... I was broken...literally broken.....
      He went out of contact.... I just dun know how I held myself....he destroyed my prospect of marriage...and left me as well.... now its been almost a yr.... after 5 months of no contact he called me txted me..and still randomly does so....I get so.disturbed...so upset..... I.cant seen to block his no...I.unblock it later... its useless I know...but now I need ur help to tell me how.to get over this....I am in such a mess
      MoMo

  12. I would like to clarify a doubt
    I read that:

    “'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).
    Also said
    As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled.
    I am confused
    If mother or father force you to marry someone they pick instead of someone the boy picked
    if he rejects his parents , is it like he is disrespecting his parents
    But it is said he has his own rights in terms of marriage.

    And when the father of the boy leave the family if u want her is it right to say
    and can the boy leave the family

    • Salam
      My name is summiya from muslim family i have question also i m very upset i want to marry a man he is 26 years old i m 25 but his father dont want him to marry me because i speak different i m balochi and he is punjabi.
      He met my family boy but my father want to see his family to come in our house with in 2 month
      And his father clearly said he dont want balochi ladie .
      He loves me alot cryed in front of me he want to run and marry with me but i refused by saying my family support me your family have problem but i cant see him like that he loves me alot.
      I need help please answer me what should i do.
      I also wa t to marry him but i dont know how

  13. Assalamu Alaikum,
    Iam Mahmoud. I have a serious relationship of one and half year. I would like to marry her. everyone agreed and mother had a big love towards her. But my Father is not at all allowing to marry her.
    The reason is mainly we have a good reputation and a big family in terms of everything . And her family is a medium family in terms of money only and no negative comments about her family and they are relegious family too.And her parents agreed about the relationship.
    The second reason is father won’t accept any love marriages in whole family
    And his character is like He has more tension about us . He is more caring and more loveable .so the main reason is My father is looking high family , but He don’t have a character of greedy person . He is thinking about our future only. But I dont want such high family .My father strictly said you cannot marry that girl. And his character is ,while seeing our tension , He may forgive and accept.
    And I can’t leave her because these 1.5 years we were together all time and She knows all the situation about our family mainly negatives, and positives also. And She is more adjustable. And the sad part is we had a sexual relationship together for more than times and after umrah we stopped the sexual relationship.
    Hence we cannot Avoid and we are adjustable.
    We were praying tahajjud and Dua are not accepted till now .So should I wait for the positive answer or give up or What kind of Dua for the immediate solution to get the girl I want??
    We cannot move on to different life , the memories will hunt for sure and its a kund of cheating new partner
    And other proposals are coming for both of us and She got a good proposal of another High family and a good- looking Handsome guy who is far better than me, and she is not accepted them and it was such a Serious situation.
    She is still waiting for me . And me too can’t see other girls in her place.
    And am in the situation in which I cannot avoid her and my father at the same time.

  14. Wht is ur condition now ??please tell me even i m in the same situation

  15. Assalmu alaikum.. Sister
    I'm in a relationship for 3 years with a boy he is living in hydrabad and i live in mumbai.. And all of his family member know me that we are getting married. And last week his father is arrange his marriage in other family bcoz he is take some qarza from his friend and his frnd want in exchange of money his son will be get married to his daughter he is keep telling him he can't marry that girl but his father is not listening and said that he should marry me as a second wife how can he say something like that his mother is also trying to stop him but his father is not listening .....not even his mother is not happy about this.... The marriage is in one week I don't know what to do stop this marriage... I can't leave him like that he is not happy either.... Plzz help me

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