Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel “brainwashed” by my wife, I am hurt and fallen apart.

sad man sitting thinking

Asalaam Alaikum all,

Auzu Billahi Minashaitani Ragim Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem,

My problem is my wife, this my second marriage and also hers, she is 3 years older than me, according to her, her previous husband was very abusive verbally & physically, I married her because I loved her and the fact everybody thought or what she showed was she was a very caring person, I still love my wife very much, despite all the things she's done to me, she is very ignorant, arrogant, very high tempered, says stuff to hurt ones feelings and she definitely has a hard heart, it is all about her, no one else in this world, she doesn´t respect her dad yet she is always at his place. It is all about what she wants ´Wife and women rights in Islam only´.

Never considers me and has a blind eye and heart to husband´s rights. When I try to explain how a problem or a fight started and what happened eventually, she doesn't let me explain and she's so shifty he makes me to be the guilty one, she blames everything she has started and has done on me. She only see's himself in this world, she is the  Queen with no King, and a men should prostrate to her wife if it was allowed in Islam after God. That's what she thinks

I'm so hurt, I am brainwashed in to believing that I disrespect her and her family whereas each time I doing everything to pleaser her or her family, and I am not good for her, I would always apologize for even just saying "ouch" but she never has the heart or mind to apologize for the extreme things she has done and started.

I became extremely good to her and his family I got out of my way, because defending myself would be very bad, so I stopped that and even if they attacked me for anything I would "kiss their feet" not literally but my reaction was so nice that I would just do a whole heap of goodness and favours for them. Just so that I would know for sure that I am not in wrong. But i was brainwashed.

No matter how good and nice I am. After all I am a human too, so when someone pushes me verbally or emotionally, eventually I will utter something. It's not fair. And I would get all the blame.  And no one sees that it's not me. Even if they do they are jealous of me and want me to have a bad relationship with my wife you just don’t know

We both work so each day we have to go to her parents house, meet them her, her sister her family and by the time we don’t have time for my family, it’s just sleep, and then we get up next morning and we are on it again , I don’t have parents and my grandparents have raised me up and she doesn’t give then the respect they should have,

The problem is I loved her and my BIGGEST mistake was in HAQ Mehr Iher mom forcefully made me write a lot, I am a poor guy even if I work day and night for 20 years and not keep a single penny I can´t do that, I have heard if she divorces me (according to them there is khulla and there is divorce by women too), so if  she divorces me and goes into court and if I have to pay the haq mehr and I can´t I would end up in jail,

What should I do? Please help anyone

Eventually, I read that in Islam a husband has some rights too, even the wife needs to respect the husband in order to get respect. I even heard that accepting cruelty on yourself is just as much hated by Allah SWT then being cruel to someone.

I don't know what to do. I really need help. No matter what I have Hope in Allah swt that things will work out. But the scary thing is that things do end up sad and bad, even no matter how loyal and faithful you are to Allah and yourself. But Only God knows best.

Still I don't want all this hard time. I want rest, I want peace. I have fallen apart. I am very hurt. I've seen too much cruelty happen to me and now I'm on the verge of a divorce. I'm not doing it, she is. It's because I'm finally standing up for myself by disagreeing on a big issue between us (only because I'm afraid I will be hurt everyday). I put up with one and a half year with sabr/patience. I don't think I can go back to that, yet my wife accuses me of using that reason as an excuse. I can´t believe that someone can be so ignorant, and have no feelings and not remember all the bad times I went through.

I have hope Insha'Allah ALLAH will help me by someway

et


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6 Responses »

  1. She is no good girl, people don't hurt other people's feelings in order them to feel and stay happy. Need to be a good person.

  2. Dear Brother ET.

    If I were to turn your situation around, it would fit my own life in many ways. My husband many times creates problems and I always have to be the one to make peace even though he is the one who should approach me and apologize for what was either said or done. I am accused of having a black heart when I have a very kind and giving heart and always have. It is out of my deep love and respect for him that I try and make things work to keep my family together.

    I have found that by calling a meeting with my spouse to sit down and talk has been a tremendous help. Ask your wife to sit with you and put everything out on the table, hold nothing back. Do not raise your voice and ask her to do the same. Try to sit and talk as two adults and tell her of the problems you are having with your marriage. Talk about how you feel disrespected and abused and that it is not something you will allow any longer.Tell her that you would like your marriage to work and that is why you are calling the meeting. You may find that this meeting of the minds takes two hours, shouting ensues and tears are shed but in the end...it may very well save your marriage.

    Allah Ma'ak Inshallah

  3. Bismillah al rahman al raheem,

    As-salam alaykum brother,

    First of all I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.....and secondly in Islam, you has a husband definitely have rights that must be met in a marriage from a wife: love, compassion, respect, loyalty, obedience.

    The first thing that comes into my mind after reading your story is "Why is your wife like this?"
    Then I read "her previous husband was very abusive verbally & physically"

    Do you think there is a connection between her past and the way she acts and lives her life?
    Was she always like this even before she got married to her first husband...or did she change?
    Do her parents behave in a similar way as she does...abusive etc.?

    Now some questions about you

    Do you feel you have given up too much of your rights form the beginning of your marriage and gave too much compromises?
    As you may have noticed it is very difficult to change people after marriage.....do you feel you can fix or change her or her parents?

    Allah....wants us to be patient, caring and understanding.....but at the same time He wants that we respect and fulfill our own rights of being respected and cared for by others. If you know your wife can not change or is not capable of giving you your rights...than you have every right to divorce her and find a new wife for yourself that will love and respect you in the way you deserve.

    Whatever you chose to do brother.........it is your duty to stand up for your rights and make sure people respect you, as you respect yourself.

    • i was hoping maybe if u can also help me ive been married for 7 months and my husband treats me horrible he ignores my phone calls, my text, and he just ignores me i feel as if he is hiding something and there is a huge age difference he is 11 years older than i am i really want this relationship to work and i am seriously trying everything that i possibly can do. he is constantly making me feel as if i am not good enough for him that he couldve have done better. he doesnt communicate with me i try to talk to him to figure what is wrong but he is always mad at me bes ana mesh araf lash it bothers me if i ask do ucare about me his response is i dont know. anything that i ask him his answer is always inshallah or i dont know or im free. he doesnt open up to me at all i just want to know is there anything that i can do to change this beside divorce. is there a way i can let him relize he is married not free and he has a wife that he should take care of.

      • As salamu alaykum sister Nawal,

        Please log in and submit your question, this way we will be able to help you, insha´Allah. Thank you.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. it sounds as though u r treated badly u should get a second wife or divorce and tel ur wife this wil hapen and stik to your guns she hsnt been treat9ing you with respect i dont think shel change brother ishallah may your future life be one of happiness and plesure your inlaws sound like a nightmare as thryr always blaming you u dont neeed this in ur life leave before you become depressed for good and tell your wife if all of dem dnt change your geting second wife or divorce xxxx

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