Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Breaking off engagement

game over, bad marriage, suspicion, secret marriage


I went overseas over the summer and I this guy that's from the family proposed to me and I approved to talk to him. Basically we had similar interest and I thought he looked cute but I wasn't too much into his looks. I was for some reason asking everyone how they find him like looks wise. They would that he's cute like okay.

Anyways after I said I had this bad feeling I don't know why and every night I would hate the fact that I was engaged to this guy. And everytime someone would bring him up I would subconsciously change the subject and I was embarrassed to be with him when we used to go to places.

When I came back to America we talked on the phone for a very long time for two days. I used to like our conversations well because he used to say nice things to me and give me attention. I feel like I always had this doubt since I said yes. But I used to feel okay/comfortable talk to him like any other guy more so like a friend. Sometimes I feel like I have to watch what I say. Anyways our conversations now are so boring and it's been two month and I don't know what to say. I go to university and I have a very difficult major but when I forget my phone he would get agrivated and then the next day he would act like nothing happened.

It's been two months I don't have feelings for him I don't feel happy talking to him. It's killing me and I don't even have the butterflies. I feel like he's not the one but I don't want to be wrong because overall he's a good guy in other people eyes "perfect" guy but not for me. I don't feel attracted to him at all. I used to the slightest bit but I feel like he was more so a crush that I got over. He would say things and do things that would agrivate me.

I'm trying really hard to make it work but I don't feel it. I can't handle it anymore I don't want to be with this guy. I don't even like talking about him to other people. For some reason I would imagine myself with someone else and I don't have any one in mind. I can't imagine being with him or marrying him. I try to I have been making sure I'm doing everything I can to feel something for this guy to want to be with this guy. I list can't it's like my hearts regecting him and I know that sounds weird. Please tell me I'm making the right decision by breaking  it off.  I also have made dua every night and I have also done istikara but I still feel the same way.

Thank you


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14 Responses »

  1. Rule no 1 and I said this in a post just yesterday in a similar topic.

    You cannot and should not speak to your fiance without a mahram present.

    If you want to speak to him, do it with your parents/aunts/uncles/elder brothers/sisters around. Do not go places with him alone and do not speak to him alone.

    After that you'll soon find out whether you are in a position to marry him or not. The reason why you should not speak to him now alone is because the conversation can get out of hand. Things can be said that only should be said between a husband and wife.

    I will give you my own example. I married my wife and the first time I spoke to her was 4 hours after our nikah. Prior to that no contact at all, which suprises many. If we had spoken on the phone alone before marriage, I would have sounded arrogant to her and she would have sounded b*tchy to me and chances are we would have the same thoughts you are having. But once we were married and alone in our room in the halal way, we understood each other and what our interests and what characteristics are. I dread to think of a life without my wife and I am very happy I didn't speak to her beforehand.

    Stop speaking to him without your family present, until you do that, no one can give you any meaningful advice.

    • your point is quite weak. speaking infront of aunt , uncles and parents? i mean we behave well infront of elders, we communicate in a certain way how come it is right to speak infront of them. you would never know about the real image of a person.
      the conversation you are talking about would never get out of hand as long as one has a clear cut intention not to indulge oneself in intimate conversation.
      you are lucky to have a good wife but not everyone is lucky to find such wife . you are viewing everybody's situation according to your successful life and situation. read the questions. women are trapped in marriage, violence, bad behavior of in laws, husbands who are cheating , wives engaged in haram activities . how can you be so sure that without knowing the other person you would get a good husband or wife. before marriage you can take decision but after marriage its like your feet in a marsh. you have to spend alot of money in weddings, the food you would serve the guests. marriage is not a game win or lose.

  2. Assalaamu alaykum

    First and foremost this goes to me before anyone. We should fear Allah subhanahu wata'allaa.

    This is the effect you get when you leave with a corrupt society. " I don't feel butterflies" It teaches people to be narcissism and selfish. Marriage is more than feeling bored or butterflies.

    I would have supported your decisions if they were based on Deen and how he is not closer to Allah but you are denying him based on someone's else opinion.

    I don't think you deserve him and Allah will grand him someone who is less self obsessed. And may Allah make you ponder of the reality.


  3. Peace be upon you,

    I see refuge in Allah from Satan. I seek forgiveness from Allah if I say anything wrong.

    Yes, you are making the right decision of breaking off BUT for the sake of Allah Subhanallahiwataalah!

    You bring in the best looking guy for you even from Jannah, you still won't be happy with him if you do the haram act of talking to him before marriage or other haram acts.

    Or you bring in the worst looking guy with best manners and follow the Rules of Allah before and after Marriage, then Allah Subhanallahiwataalah will put the real love between you two and that is never going to go away.

    But [2:143] "And thus We have made you a middle nation to be witnesses over mankind, and (for) the Messenger to be a witness over you."

    So choose a moderately good looking guy and moderately deen following guy and one of the major things to look in a man is the Deen. Why? Because it's is going to make your Dunya and your Deen easier!

    Don't make your Dunya and Deen difficult on you,
    Peace be on you.

  4. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that it is haram to speak with your fiancé before marriage.

    Islam does not require that we marry a stranger. There is not one single hadith or Quranic ayah that says strangers are to marry each other.

    Please don't equate talking with pre-marital sex. The two are very different.

    This young girl and her fiancé live in separate countries, likely separate continents that are oceans apart. Some day, one of these people will have to cross an ocean in order to marry the other. Are they not permitted to get to know each other, to find out if they are compatible? Clearly, they are NOT compatible, and subhanAllah through this process she has learned that they are not compatible. Imagine if she and her fiancé did not talk and they then got married - the results would have been disastrous.

    • You clearly don't know what you're talking about and you clearly haven't bothered to read what people are writing and I believe you are making a reference to my original comment.

      If you did read it properly you'd realise what I said was don't speak without a mahram. If you have a mahram with you speak till the sun goes down if you want.

      So please get your information correct and stop giving wrong answers.

      Islam says find a spouse suitable for you, but do it with the aid of Mahrams.

      • I find your response quite rude. In any event, if you believe what you write then you should not be communicating with any female posters on this website without supervision - yet you clearly choose to do so.

        • Peace be on you,

          Marrying somebody overseas is making your dunya and deen difficult on yourself.

          However, in the above case, she could talk to her fiance on the phone with a mahram present through conference.

        • I'll go back to the original comment and quite clearly you have given incorrect information and feel like you should have the last say.

          They should speak however often they like, but when they do, they need their parents or some respectable elders who can be classed as mahrams to listen in.

          Once they do that, you'll soon find out what they're like. After marriage when they are together as husband and wife, because there isn't frustration with a long distance relationship and because they can see the body lnguage and facial expressions, often these little issues the OP is making won't even be noticed.

          Rather than trying to help the OP to do this the halal way to make this potential marriage work, you're trying to to encourage her to walk away from it even before they've actually approached it as they should.

          We can never generalise as all situations are different, but one thing is for sure if you are engaged to someone, then you definitely saw something worthwhile and that you could look forward to.

          • Salaam,

            Dear John,

            Isn't it better for you to be a little more polite, more specific. and more clear.

            The point of "trying to to encourage her to walk away from it even before they've actually approached it as they should" is like I stated before, IF it is for the sake of Allah - meaning - as the Mother of the Believers A’isha (radiAllahu ‘anha) said,
            “The Messenger of Allah (sallAllaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) didn’t chose between two things except he chose the easier of the two so long as there was no harm [or sin].”

            And the point of Generalizing is as Allah says:

            “Allah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you.”
            (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:185)

  5. Assalamo walikum sister
    First its haram to continue to talk to an opposite gender for too long without a mohrum by you. Even though you are engaged you are not allow.
    Let's get to the point!
    If you feel that he is not right for you than you should not go through it. Since you made dua and isthekara and you still feel negative about him then yes its best to call it off. You are not married yet so it's ok to cancel it. Don't go forward through anything in life if you have bad feeling.

    May Allah help you and him find pious partner!

  6. I'm sorry but I'm not going to read the whole story...What's How's your IMAN. ARE YOU READY TO FACE ALLAH when your time is expired in this world...In order to live happy content successful full of compassion and lived by all..It is only obeying the commandments of Allah and teachings of prophet Muhammad S.a.w. .This is the real success...Don't be fooled by the illusion's in this world for Allah has mentioned it in the Quran.Don't think that a man's cuteness wealth or intelligence makes him successful. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ALLAH IS THE CONTROLLER OF HEARTS?

    • Assalamalaikum, Mr. Raul,

      Isn't better for you to follow the Quran and the hadiths as the Prophet (SAW) taught us rather than talking about SOME TABILIGHI JAMAATH who claim to be true Sunnis.

      The fatwas of some of the scholars concerning Jamaa’at al-Tableegh:

      1 – Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz said:

      Jamaa’at al-Tableegh do not have proper understanding of the issues of ‘aqeedah, so it is not permissible to go out with them, except for one who has knowledge and understanding of the correct ‘aqeedah of Ahl al-Sunnah wa'l-Jamaa'ah, so that he can guide them and advise them, and cooperate with them in doing good, because they are very active, but they need more knowledge and someone who can guide them of those who have knowledge of Tawheed and the Sunnah. May Allaah bless us all with proper understanding of Islam and make us steadfast in adhering to it.

      Majmoo’ Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 8/331

      2 – Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan said:

      Going out for the sake of Allaah does not refer to the kind of going out that they mean nowadays. Going out for the sake of Allaah means going out to fight. What they call going out nowadays is a bid’ah (innovation) that was not narrated from the salaf.

      Going out to call people to Allaah cannot be limited to a certain number of days, rather one should call people to Allaah according to one's abilities, without limiting that to a group or to forty days or more or less than that.

      Similarly the daa’iyah must have knowledge. It is not permissible for a person to call people to Allaah when he is ignorant. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “Say (O Muhammad): This is my way; I invite unto Allaah (i.e. to the Oneness of Allaah — Islamic Monotheism) with sure knowledge”

      [Yoosuf 12:108]

      i.e., with knowledge, because the caller must know that to which he calls people, what is obligatory, mustahabb, haraam and makrooh. He has to know what shirk, sin, kufr, immorality and disobedience are; he has to know the degrees of denouncing evil and how to do it.

      The kind of going out that distracts people from seeking knowledge is wrong, because seeking knowledge is an obligation, and it can only be achieved by learning, not by inspiration. This is one of the misguided Sufi myths, because action without knowledge is misguidance, and hoping to acquire knowledge without learning is an illusion.

      From Thalaath Mihaadaraat fi’l-‘Ilm wa’l-Da’wah.

      And Allaah knows best.

      “Jamaa’at al-Tableegh” is one of the groups that are working for Islam. Their efforts in calling people to Allaah (da’wah) cannot be denied. But like many other groups they make some mistakes, and some points should be noted concerning them. These points may be summed up as follows, noting that these mistakes may vary within this group, depending on the environment and society in which they find themselves. In societies in which knowledge and scholars are prevalent and the madhhab of Ahl al-Sunnah wa’l-Jamaa’ah is widespread, the mistakes are much less; in other societies these mistakes may be greater. Some of their mistakes are:

      1 – Not adopting the ‘aqeedah of Ahl al-Sunnah wa'l-Jamaa'ah. This is clearly seen from the variations in the ‘aqeedah of some of their members and even of some of their leaders.

      2 – Their not paying attention to shar’i knowledge.

      3 – Their misinterpretation of some Qur’aanic verses in a manner that was not intended by Allaah. For example they interpret the verses on jihad as referring to “going out for da’wah”. The verses which mentioned the word khurooj (going out) etc. are interpreted by them as meaning going out for da’wah.

      4 – They make their system of going out for da’wah an act of worship. So they started to misquote the Qur’aan to support their system which specifies certain numbers of days and months. This system, which they think is based on evidence from Qur’aan, is widespread among them in all countries and environments.

      5 – They do some things that go against sharee’ah, such as appointing one of them to make du’aa’ for them whilst the group goes out for da’wah, and they think that their success or failure depends on whether or not this man was sincere and his du’aa’ accepted.

      6 – Da’eef (weak) and mawdoo’ (fabricated) ahaadeeth are widespread among them, and this is not befitting for those who aim to call people to Allaah.

      7 – They do not speak of munkaraat (evil things), thinking that enjoining what is good is sufficient. Hence we find that they do not speak about evils that are widespread among the people, even though the slogan of this ummah – which they continually repeat – is:

      “Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islam), enjoining Al-Ma‘roof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden). And it is they who are the successful”

      [Aal ‘Imraan 3:104 – interpretation of the meaning]

      The successful are those who enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil, not just those who do only one of the two.

      8 – Some of them fall into self-admiration and arrogance, which leads them to look down on others, and even to look down on the scholars and describe them as inactive and sleeping, or to show off. So you find them talking about how they went out and travelled, and they saw such and such, which leads to unfavourable results, as we have mentioned.

      9 – They regard going out for da’wah as better than many acts of worship such as jihad and seeking knowledge, even though those things are obligatory duties, or may be obligatory for some people but not others.

      10 – Some of them audaciously issue fatwas, and discuss tafseer and hadeeth. That is because they allow each one of them to address the people and explain to them. This leads to them speak audaciously on matters of sharee’ah. So the inevitably speak of the meaning of a ruling, hadeeth or verse when they have not read anything about it, or listened to any of the scholars. And some of them are new Muslims or have only recently come back to Islam.

      11- Some of them are negligent with regard to the rights of their children and wives. We have discussed the seriousness of this matter in the answer to question no. 3043.

      Hence the scholars do not allow people to go out with them, except for those who want to help them and correct the mistakes that they have fallen into.

      We should not keep the people away from them altogether, rather we must try to correct their mistakes and advise them so that their efforts will continue and they will be correct according to the Qur’aan and Sunnah.

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