Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Broke off the engagement and now I want to get back – is it possible?

Engagement ring on finger

Salaam!

I am a 24 year old girl. I got engaged at the end of Feb this year. It was an arranged engagement. And the marriage date was fixed in October. We met few times before engagement once to talk and then a few times to purchase rings for engagement in presence of my dad. I liked the way he was thoughtful and the way he talked. After the engagement we started talking and would meet once a week . All this with the permission of my dad. And we both fell in love with each other and it was indeed deep.

But then after 2 months of our engagement one day when we went out he thought I was staring at some guy , may be I would have but not with any bad intention I know that very well . all these years I have kep my self very well . And the bad part is he didn't tell me this at that time instead he told me this after a week when I kept asking him why was he behaving so differently. After so much discussion he finally told me that. And I couldn't even remember this even though I tried to recall everything we did that day so many times. . But I also know he wouldn't say anything like this out of thin air. So I told him that if he saw me then I would have done that but there was nothing in my heart , no bad intentions , no evil gaze . But since I don't remember that I was staring and why I was staring he thought that I am habitual of it.

Our communication after this discussion would sometimes be good and sometimes kind of rough. But I still loved him . And at times I too would feel bad that why he thinks this way for me and feel sad. I told him so many times that with time he will see me, trust me and understand me better.

But then one day he was behaving very coldly so I asked him to let out whatever anger he has in one go. I will listen. And he did that. He told a few things that crushed my soul very badly but at the same time I knew it was his anger talking and not him . He had told me many times before that he loses control when he gets angry. So I listened to him. But then even after that his anger didn't go away. Everyday I felt as if I am losing self respect. And still I would try to talk to him so that we can overcome this issue. But he wouldn't respond properly. It felt that the one incident changed him and his thinking about me completely. He couldn't understand that I really had no intentions of staring at someone. I was very happy that day. I tried to remember why would I stare at someone but I couldn't I remember, but I know how happy and satisfied and blessed I was feeling that day. But he kept on behaving rudely .

All this happened for a month. And I was too weak and stressed. My parents asked me so many times and I didn't tell them anything. But at the end it was just unbearable as we hadn't talked for a week and it felt like he didn't want this relationship to go ahead . So when my brother and Mom asked I told them everything. And after listening to all of this my dad broke our engagement.

I could have informed him first but my family told me not to contact him at all and that they will take care of things. And I was not in the right mind to talk or do anything . I regret not informing him before. That really hurt him a lot . He told me afterwards once when I talked to him that atleast I should have told him once . He wouldn't have forced me but his dad wouldn't have gotten a shock. I really regret that. And now I feel at least we shouldn't have broken the engagement we could have sorted things out or with time he will understand and trust me. I pray that we could get married but then I don't know what he thinks of me now. Should I ask him once if he wants this to work ? Since this engagement got called off from my side I think even if he wants he will not contact on his own , so may be I should ask him . But at the same time I am afraid to ask him. So for now I am praying to Allah to make us right for each other and bless me a Happy married life with him.

Also I would like to add the when he was good he was extremely good to me. He respected my thoughts, my opinions and cared for me. And I did the same too.

Please suggest me what can I do now. Also if anymore clarification is needed please ask in comments I will be following this thread and will respond since I really need advice on this situation.

zaraa123

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6 Responses »

  1. Zara there are millions husband's out there and there is many opportunities for you to have love. My advice is to speak with your family especially your mahram about this situation that happened every single thing... Even him accused you of looking at men. It's not a good sign, of course you should not look but he is insecure and will give you a lot of problems. I have a feeling you didn't stick to strict mahram and you spoke to eachother outside of family present and that's what has creates this situation

  2. Sister , He kept pressing on that one thing - THAT YOU WERE STARING AT SOME GUY that fine day. I am sure you are sensible enough, to know and understand that if you have been out at a public place there are 1000s of people around. And you can see anywhere, you just cannot close your eyes and keep walking. He is being dominating with an obnoxious reason like that. Also even though you agreed to his complaints of staring yet he kept exaggerating them. WHY ? IF you had agreed and asked for forgiveness yet he kept stretching it.. So disgusting. Marriage is something where in both should accept each others faults and move ahead rather than cribbing about the same thing over and over again.

    This Man seems to be a doubting person , a person who will keep a grudge always even though you get married to him. You must thank ALLAH for opening your eyes beforehand rather later. He is not worth your prayers. That is his temperament which will never doze off. He might have been good, caring towards you but this one blunder within him of "DOUBTING" would trouble your mental health in a wrong run in some or the other way.

    So what your father has done, is the perfect thing and you must not look back again. If you look it would be like you are ready to get drowned into the world of being a victim of DOUBTS and ONLY DOUBTS.

    LIFE doesnt stops.. its goes on.. So must you along with it. I wish you all the very best !!

    Wa Salam !

  3. I agree with the previous 2. It's so true. Little disagreements start like this and become worse. Insecure and possessive. Guys like this are hard to change and often become verbally and physically abusive. Be careful sister. Marriage is a life decision. May Allah bless you with a healthy loving marriage ameen.

  4. This guy has flat out admitted to you that he has anger issues, and he's even proved that to you. Calling off the engagement was the right thing to do.

    There's no need to feel bad about ending your engagement with him, or even how it ended. Yeah, maybe it shocked his father, but, to be honest, I think his father would've been shocked regardless of how you would have announced the news to him. It's all over and done with now, though, so there's no need to dwell further in this matter.

  5. Assalaamualaykum zaraa123,

    MashaAllah you have such intelligent and caring parents! It is truly a blessing how they have handled this situation for you, and they are absolutely right...you should not contact this man anymore.

    You write: I regret not informing him before. That really hurt him a lot .He told me afterwards once when I talked to him that atleast I should have told him once .

    This is just him trying to make you feel bad about something again, a cycle that will most likely continue for as long as you stay with him.

    I agree with Aaliaah that it is better now than later that you see the truth of this man.

    I pray you find someone more suitable soon who trusts you without your having to constantly prove yourself to him.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  6. ASLAMUALIQUM SISTER 🙂
    PLEASE sis let him 🙂 YOU DONT DESERVE SOMEONE who annoys you that much. LOVE means caring for someone and understanding someone:) IF he doesnt understand you that he doesnt love you for who you are. You seem like a innocent girl from your messages and any guy will be lucky to have you. I dont mean to butter but i am telling you the honest truth:)

    I was married to a guy who was treating me very bad in front of his family but was showing me love in bed or in the room or when i was upset with him. These kind of guys are just after one thing not the internal feelings that lie within the heart which means alot. Please let go of him.

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