Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My brother is going to run away due to abusive behaviour of my father; please help

Homeless youth, running away, street kid


My brother is turning 17 in four days. For as long as I can remember, he has been my father's least favorite (its obvious, he gets blamed for EVERYTHING, he is called names all the time, etc) and my mother's pride and joy (she has said to my face that I will never be as good as him, or as likeable, and she will never give me the rights she gives to my brother). Generally, my father's family is neutral towards him and my mother's family knows him to be the best of all of the children because he was the first boy.

Recently, my father has been very emotionally abusive towards my brother. He is blamed for anything and everything, for example the TV not working, the university not responding to his application, and the weather not turning out as the forecast said it would.

Also, my brother will be attending university next year inshallah, so he has to move away. He has been very desperate to move away as soon as possible, even before he has a house there. He says he can live in his car.

A few times, my brother threatened to run away when he was angry, and he would have if my mother didn't stop him. But yesterday, my parents took him to his high school to get his end-of-the-year report card, and apparently a girl ran up to him and hugged him, saying that she missed him so much. My dad instantly made up a story about her being my brother's girlfriend and accused my brother of committing zina. This really angered my brother and my brother packed his suitcases to run away. My dad said that he would call the police and tell them that my brother was driving without a license, but that didn't stop my brother. My mother was able to get my brother to wait until morning before leaving, and he did, and today he keeps trying to run away. I'm afraid that he won't listen to my mother anymore.

Please advise me about what to do. I can't talk to him about this or he will beat me for interfering in these matters. What can I possibly do?!!


- young_muslimah

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    I really hope and pray that ur bro and ur father resolve all of their differences and start to live happily in peace and in harmony.

    I would say that since u r afraid of talking to ur bro fearing the situation may worsen or he may get angry u try to talk 2 u dad and try to explain him that his bro in at age where children are very rebellious in nature and need to be dealt with great care and he cant just blame and scold him. If he finds ur bro doing something wrong talk 2 him and thats the rght way. If u cant talk 2 ur dad then talk 2 ur mama to talk to ur bro and dad as she seems 2 hv nice bonding wd ur bro.

    If there is any relative around or some good neighbor or u have mutual friend try to involve them. This will only be resolved if there is a proper dialog.

    I pray to Allah to help u in this difficult time and give 2 courage and strength and may Allah resolve all ur conflicts soon, ameen, Allah Hafiz...........

  2. Dear Sister,

    Your brother is at a hot blooded age. The best thing you can do for him is say things to diffuse the situation to calm him. Be there for him as a Sister and as a friend. Help him to understand that your father worries and maybe over-reacts sometimes and may have a strange way of caring but he does. And at the same time, ask your mother to calm your father.

    It was not clear from your post about who is using physical violence, your father or your brother? If anyone is being violent, this is serious Sister. Try to speak to your mother or another trusted family member about this.

    I don't know what the level of deen is like in your family, but it seems that there is room for spiritual growth there. Are you into deen yourself? If so, perhaps try to focus on this to calm yourself, as you cannot always change others and you may find this frustrating. If however you are strong in deen, it will help you calm and console yourself and inshaAllah it will also have a good influence on your family members.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. Young Muslimah,

    Tell your brother to go and cool off. I know it's easier said than done but it really helps when one can step away from things at home for a while. Your home sounds a bit like my own. My sons have put up with so much crap from their father for so many years, I can't even go into it because it could literally take up pages.

    Unfortunately for my husband, he is blind to the fact that because he is so horribly mean to his sons that they never want to be home when he is around. He makes the atmosphere ugly and doesn't even know how to have a conversation with them. It is beyond sad really. a mother who has been down this road so many times, I say to to your brother. Tell him to go and cool off. Tell him to keep silent when around his father so his dad won't find a reason to argue with him. If his dad tells him to take the trash out, he should do it and shut his mouth. Anything to avoid confrontation is good for him. Inshallah University is not far off and then he can study and hopefully have a more peaceful surrounding.

    For him to "run away" is childish and he and his father both know that he has no where to go. I will pray for him. I know how difficult it is to be in a situation like this...first hand. It literally turns the entire household upside down for everyone. Best of luck to both of you.


  4. Salaams Young Muslimah

    How could your brother beat his own sister for caring about him? It seems like your brother is tolerating alot of abuse. Could it be that this abuse is rubbing off on your bro. If this is the case then he definetly needs help, maybe counselling to calm him down.

    If your brother is just being hot headed then he needs to calm down. Maybe a holiday break would do him good ( if your dad is willing to this). If you can't speak to him then write him a letter. Point out your concerns and explain to him that he has few months before he leaves for university. Runining away may ruin his chances of going to university. Explain to him that you need this time to spend with him. That as his little sister, you care about him. He needs to know that there are people who care about him and that running away from problems in life isn't going to solve anything.


  5. Salaams Young-Muslimah.

    Masha'allah, You have recieved Good advices from all the above posts. Jizakallah kheyr to all of You.
    with that being said, i just have one point to add which is, Parents specially Dads have one this in common and that is Yelling or Beating. From age a Young age; they were used to doing that but at the age of 17 it don't that way. I'm not even hesitating saying that because My own brother has troubles with dad and he is just 15 years old. he when through a lot to the ex-tense Mom and Dad decided to put him in Jail. For the past ONE week he has being doing okay since there was a counselor coming home for the last 3 weeks. So alxamdulilah things going a little smooth now.
    Insha'allh sister, Long story short. i suggest You talk to Both mom and dad and tell them that Yelling and pointing fingers at him is no good. Take it easy on him and For You, instead of regreting after her runs away (which insha'allah is not gona happen) Talk to him and just tell him if Your mad of what dad is doing to You, then Be home for the sake of Mom for she is your mother and raised You for 17 years.
    I truly appologize anything wrong i have stated on here, Wasalaamu caleykum warahmatullah.


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