He molested her for years and now he demands respect from her
She can't function normally and I am worried about her mental wellbring
Asalum u alaikyum,
My friend asked me this question the other day, and I've been thinking about it. Because I'm not sure how to answer her, I'm posting her question here, with her permission.
Ever since she was four, her brother (who is about 8 years older than her) would touch her private areas. When she was four, he would tell her not to tell anyone, and she listened because she had trusted her brother. Because she grew up having this done to her by her own brother, and because she did not yet know it was wrong of him to do that, she lived quietly having that done to her.
As she grew a little older, he would tell her to sleep alongside him (because she was afraid to sleep in the room she and her sister shared), and she did. She would wake up in the night to him touching her numerous times, but because she was used to it and didn't know it was wrong, she didn't say anything. Though she didn't say anything, she pretended to be asleep because she was embarrassed.
It kept happening to her and it became a regular part of her life. She noticed that he wouldn't do it during the day, and only at nighttime, but didn't understand why. She told me that she felt strange and she thought that maybe it had become so routine to her, that she may have even looked forward to it.
She was going through puberty, and by this time, she understood a little that what he was doing was wrong, and that she was letting him was also wrong. So she went back to sleeping with her sister. However, during times her sister would be away, he would come to her room and touch her.
When the family moved, she got her own room. Though she thought of locking the door, she had a phobia of sleeping, afraid that when a fire would start and she would not being saved because they couldn't open the door, so she would close the door, but leave it unlocked. On some nights, she would wake up and notice him in her room doing the same things he had done to her all those years.
She was confused, not sure what was right and what was wrong...when he would tell her to sleep alongside him, she would.
By the time he would only do these things to her when she was sleeping, he would not mention it during the day...he would treat her like a sister and that was all.
There came a time she started sleeping with her sister again, blaming it on nightmares and such. Her sister would lock the door, and she would be safe. However, on the nights her sister and her parents went out to other states to meet friends, her brother would come to her while she slept.
Finally, when she was the age of thirteen, he stopped. By this time, she was sure what he did was wrong, but wouldn't tell anyone about this. She knew her mother favoured her brother out of the four siblings (she had another brother who was a good person), and didn't think her mother would believe her. One night, however, while she was talking to her sister, they were talking about bad experiences and it was on that night, she shared her experience with her sister. She did not tell her everything. Just for how many years and that he would touch her private areas. Her sister, after getting her permission, told her mother for her. Her mother felt bad, apologized for letting it happen, and that was that.
However, the problem lies in that her mother still treats the brother as her favorite, though sometimes she expresses her anger she has for him to my friend. My friend can't forgive him, and can't come to respect him the way a sister should respect an older brother. She finds herself flinching when he touches or comes near her. She gets angry at him, and gets upset when he gets angry at her, feeling he has no right to get angry at her.
When she disrespects her brother, her mom gets angry at her and chastises her. My friend isn't sure if she is supposed to or has to forgive her brother, and if she still has to treat her brother like a brother. She says that people like him would have been killed in other countries, so why must she get in trouble for disrespecting a molester? She feels that she won't be able to get married without feeling guilty towards her husband and feels that it's all her brother's fault she has to live like this. She also has some mental problems...she sees things that aren't really there and gets nightmares often. She feels these were a result of her childhood trauma.
I hope you can answer her questions and explain how she should live her life. She is a dear friend of mine, and I don't want to see her crying over this anymore.
- Yuki786
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Yuki786, Walaikumsalaam,
How terrible, seriously. I feel for your friend immensely, she has been through an awful ordeal at the hands of her brother. What he has done is disgusting beyond comprehension. The few men that a woman should feel protected by are her father, her brother and her husband but this man has broken her trust and mentally scarred her, probably for life.
As her friend, keep reassuring her that what happened was not her fault at all, she is not dirty and has nothing to feel guilt for. If she feels angry, that is completely normal and expected and 'no' I do not believe that she should be expected to fulfil her sisterly duties to this man. I am not saying that she should be rude to him, but I do not think that under the circumstances she should be expected to converse with him more than necessary or to laugh with him or share anything with him; or in fact to have to even face him (especially since he has not ever shown any remorse).
If a man molested a girl, he would not be left to live with her, he would be kept as far from her as possible so she would never have to go through the ordeal of seeing him. So why should it be any different for this young girl?
Why has her mother taken it so lightly? Maybe her mother wants to keep a lid on things to protect the family honour, but she needs to quit pretending that everything is ok. She must let her daughter talk to her and express her feelings. I believe that she needs to arrange separate accommodation for them both, get her daughter some professional counselling and also give her the love and comfort that she craves. She needs to reassure her she is not dirty and has nothing to feel guilty about.
I would also say that her mother also has an obligation to try to keep her son away from other young girls incase he does the same thing again and if necessary get him some psychological help. She needs to let him know that what he has done is completely wrong, he has violated his sister's rights, her privacy, her peace of mind, her sanctity, her right to enjoy her family life, her childhood and youth and maybe even her future. He needs to make sincere tawbah and ask his sister to forgive him as he will be held accountable for his bad actions.
Having said all that, I can imagine this situation will be very difficult for your friend's mother aswell. Its not every day a mother learns her daughter has been sexually abused and that by her own brother.
Your friend's nightmares and hallucinations may have stemmed from the ordeal of being molested. Of course, I am no professional and so I will say strongly that she does need to see a counsellor in confidence as soon as possible. Perhaps then, she could also have some family counselling in which her mother would be with her.
I hope Wael or someone else will be able to offer some better advice here as it is a very sensitive issue and I do not want to give any wrong advice.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
very nice answer and thanks for mentioning to not let any other little girl near him. that's very important.
i know somebody who's a pervert and i would never leave my kids alone with him.
it should also be mentioned to the girl who will marry him or his wife, because he can do that to his kids.
she was a child, she was innocent, she didn't know.
As-sala mualakum sister.
I understand you very well and shear your friend's pain.
I know that its hard to handle, but everything will be fine by the help of Allah because only Allah is capable of everything and only him will always be there for us no matter what happen to our life. so tell your friend to always hope, up to her last breath. Tell her to never despair, to not let nothing and nobody put her down because nobody created her. Allah created her and he do not created her to suffer or to be a slave of no one else. If we try to be understand, trust, love, revenge by someone we will be a slave for that person. But If we keep loving, trusting ourselves and submit to Allah ourselves to Allah our one true love, who knows us more than ourselves, we will be free.
Nobody is perfect in this world. Only God is perfect. He knows what's in our heart and all what has been, is happening and will happen to us. God is her witness. The creator of everyone, the heavens, the whole universe and to him we will return. Allah is the only one who knows the unseen.
It is in a book before God brings it into being. whatever has befallen us, was not mean to escape us and whatever has escape us was not mean to befallen us. For those who afflict with disaster glad tidings await them so tell her that glad tidings await her and to be ready to get It.
I have been so sad In my life, I use to have hallucinations before and faint thats why I were admit at reading mental hospital. Its similar to her own. I felt guilty of everything was happening to me. I taught Allah is angry with me but I never give up on Allah. I ask for (Iman, for Coran and the Iman was my uncle Macha Allah).
One day, my uncle went at the hospital with his friend. He told me that Allah cant be angry with her slave and only the coran can heal my illness but I did not believe. I was hopeless and taught the medications can help me no matter how the medications was destroying my life because the doctors told me that It was a (OCD) and they assure me that the medications can help me. And I handle all the bad effect of those dangerous medication for Allah. I was wrong, the doctors too were wrong thinking that the medication can help me. You can read the reason why I was wrong on my article but my lovely uncle and his friend were right. Allah is the cure. I will never stop loving my uncle and his family (Inch Allah). I called him uncle but I love him like a father.
Since I started praying with conviction, everything disappear In only month. Did you see the miracle of Allah.
Tell your friend to pray with conviction, try to forget about It by telling her self that those thinking are not real. Is just the Satan my enemy. I wont let my enemy get control over my life. Allah my one true love will always be there for me as he promised. Being sad or crying will not change nothing. It will just spoils my life, destroys my happiness and turn it into wretchedness so I will never think negative anymore because I don't deserve it and Allah loves me. (Repeat everyday).
Tell her to speak with her mom and brother. Tell them what she feels, and tell them If she has been disrespectful to them,it's not her fault. Her brother hurt her feelings she never taught that a brother which should protect her sister can do that. but God is her creator,witness and judge.so she submit herself to Allah.
Tell her to repeat that everyday with feelings and conviction because whatever we believe with feelings become our reality. Only prayers with conviction can change her life. Allah (swt) is the cure.
Majula Diaby, Walaikumsalaam,
I pray you always stay strong in your deen, its nice to hear maash'Allah!
May Allah give you strong eemaan, good health and goodness in this life and the next, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yuki786, Walaikumsalaam,
What a very sad story its not your friends fault you must tell her to be strong and inshallah she will get through this tragetic ordeal
she doesn't have to respect him as an older brother because he doesn't deserve it.
the reactions that she is having to him are normal.
she needs to stay away, but not be rude to him when there needs to be interaction.
these are all things i think sisterz has mentioned as well.
i know a man in my family who i hate talking to and have no respect inside my heart for him. i do talk to him when necessary, and am polite (which is very hard), but that's all. he is a child molester probably.
As-sala mualakum SisterZ,
Thank you very much. May Allah bless you much more sister.
May Allah bless all of us and give us strong eeman in this world and the hereafter. Allah will bless all of us (Inch Allah).
Its a joy and happiness for me to meet all of you and shear my advices with you Macha' Allah. What am doing is my passion.( Praise Allah and help people to face their problem). I think is the duty I have in this world.
I wish you the best of luck.
You are in my thoughts.
Alham doulilahi.
Salaam sister,
This man committed a crime he is a phedofile and you need to contact the police with this, they would know what to do. He needs to be locked away and put in the phedofile databasse. Also you need to be quick about this, warn everyone, friends, family, naughbeaurs, etc. He done it ones he will do it again to another little innocent girl. We muslim need to stop being ignorant about this now, child molestation is very comment within muslims. We have to punish these molesters, but often family stay quite about it and the victim suffers in silent. There is a possibilty he do it again. So act quick tell your friend he might molest another child if she doesn't go to police and report him, he needs to be registered and people need to be warned about this monster.
All the best to your friends, may Allah swt guide her in this difficult time.
Also I would like to say your friend needs to get out of the house where he molested her. She needs to completely break all the contact with him, if the family is not supporting her, she needs to break contact with them as well. She needs therapy, a professional who can help her to cope with the situation, your friend got the mental problem because she is still in the place he molested her and she is still forced to interact with him, so she is not getting the chance to heal because in her mind she is still in danger. She needs to feel save and she needs people arround her who can teach her how to cope with this and how she can get her mental well being back. This is a very serious crime, so I'm coming back to my previous post, he needs to be reported.
Salaam everyone,
Thank you all for your help and care. May Allah reward your kindness, Inshallah I showed my friend all of the replies. She feels that she might just have to live with it as a "secret" between her mother, her sister, and myself. While I don't think she should keep these feelings secret from her mother, she feels she is just going to hurt her mother who loves her brother so much. She wishes sometimes that she could tell her father, whom she trusts so much, but then remembers that her mother told her not to tell anyone (which includes her future husband, her friends, her father, her brother, and anyone else) and would probably feel strange talking about it with him anyways because of her culture. While she is still at a loss sometimes, she can't stand being angry and upset all the time and depression just isn't something she could bare dealing with so she forces herself to remain happy. When she read about telling her mother to tell his future wife, she was unsure of how to bring it up and that it's quite possible he may not get married if she does tell his future wife.
All in all, I thank you all for your help and if there is anything at all you could say to her to help her through this situation, I would appreciate it. I feel I am too young to actually be able to tell her something I could feel confident about. Thank you once again, Inshallah, I can see my friend genuinely happy and without any worries.
Assalamu alaikom,
While reading your post, I felt a profound sadness but anger as well. This man is obviously a sick pedophile. I'm angry at the fact that this mother is enabling this disgusting monster to continue this behavior. She wants your friend to keep it a secret for 'family honor' and wants life to go on as if nothing even happened! It's no wonder that your poor friend is suffering from mental instability. It sounds as if she is experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. As long as this horrible man is allowed to be near her still and as long as she doesn't receive the support she needs and deserves from her family, she will never heal.
This man is a PEDOPHILE, that's why he no longer molests your friend, because she has reached puberty and they are attracted to children. Your friend and her family members who know what happened need to understand what this means. These kind of people never change, so this means that he WILL find another innocent child and hurt her if he isn't stopped. I agree 100% with Halima when she said that law enforcement needs to be informed. Your friend's father, everyone in the neighborhood and his future wife needs to know and be involved so that he can't have access to other children. I know that it is hard but your friend needs to realize that by keeping this secret, she is putting other little girls (perhaps any future daughters of his own, Allah forbid) in danger.
Yuki786,
May Allah reward you for your sincerity in wanting to help your friend, your sister in Islam.
I will write this directly to your friend, so I want you to show this to her insh'Allah:
Dear young sweet soul, whatever you decide to do, know that you do have the ability within yourself to work towards a successful future. The past was painful, so very painful, but it has gone, never to return. Alhumdulillah, what you have now, is 'the now' and 'the future'. If you have lost trust in your brother, know that his actions do not represent 'man'. SubhaanAllah, there are many pious men in this world, there are loving brothers, fathers, sons and husbands and insh'Allah you can learn to trust again. Just be sure to remind yourself that Allah created man with a pure fitrah and ask Him (swt) to heal your torn heart.
While your ordeal has been terrible, you may not realise this, but your brother has damaged his own soul, actually more than he has injured you. This is because throughout his evil and bad actions, he has defied Allah's Pure and Divine rules, not you. He was the oppressor, you the oppressed, but stand up strong now my girl. You do not need to feel oppressed anymore. Instead feel pity for your brother and I pray one day you find yourself asking Allah to forgive his soul.
Know that Allah loves you truly, turn to Him(swt) and seek comfort and strength through Him(swt). Tell yourself every day 'I will not allow the memories of my past oppression, to oppress me any longer. I will not waste any more of my most precious life on feelings of hurt and anger. Instead I will flourish and I will strive to live as a good Muslimah. I am worthy because I love Allah and I know Allah loves me'.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I finally got a hold of my friend. This is her response:
Asalam u alaikum sister,
You told me not to be sad anymore, but after reading your beautiful words, I had to cry. I've been living with these suppressed feelings for so many years, not understanding how to deal with my brother who acts as if nothing happened. I don't understand how to speak to my mom about how her indifference in front of the rest of my family affects my outlook on it. Right after the incident, my mother was quite angry with my brother, but that passed by nightfall. After that day, she would treat him fine...I began to wonder if what he did wasn't that big of a deal...I wasn't sure anymore. Then my mother told me not to ever tell anyone about this, and I had a feeling it was a big deal.
I wasn't sure how to deal with this...I didn't want to talk about it anymore with my sister....I felt my mother would be kind to me but it would only make things worse when she would go back to being kind to my brother...I don't have the heart to tell my father (my mother forbade it anyway)...My friend was the only one I could speak to and she led me to this website.
I just want to say I'm so thankful to you. I can't see myself, as I am now, asking for Allah's forgiveness on his behalf...I guess I'm too selfish to want him to not get punished for what he did...I do know, however, that Inshallah I will overcome this obstacle and it is thanks to you, all of you who responded, and my dear friend. I wanted to let you know that whenever I'm sad, I read your post. I read it and I feel so much better.
Of course, still have questions floating around in my head:
"how can i tell my mom that we need to tell his future wife?" "Can I really not tell my future husband?" "What if my mom is right about her advice...what if she knows something that she's keeping from me that would convince me to not tell anyone I know" ...."Do I tell his wife before or after they marry?"
"If it's before...will anyone accept him? Will word spread?" ....when questions like these start floating around in my head, I wonder if everything will be alright. I begin to feel anger and sadness...had he not done this, I wouldn't have to worry...But then I read your words and I feel better.
In the end, all I can say is, no matter what happens, I thank Allah for bringing me to all these wonderful people who could care about a fellow Muslim, though a stranger, so much. Although I am unsure, I will never again feel alone. Thank you soooooo much. You may not know how much it really means to me. I hope Allah gives all of you so much in this life and the hereafter and may Allah keep you all very strong, healthy, and brave. I hope that nothing like this every happens to you and I pray that all of you remain happy.
Thank you once again. Aisha.
Aisha my dear sweet sister,
Focus on you and your relationship with Allah right now. If you can't forgive right now, that is quite natural and this does not mean you are selfish at all. Do not burden yourself with thinking of forgiveness at the moment. If you feel upset, this is also normal. When I said don't feel sad anymore, I do not want you to think it is wrong for you to feel sad. Of course it is ok. You are human, right :O)? I just do not want you to feel so sad, that you begin to despair. Anger, hurt, pain - these emotions are natural to all humans, of course we are allowed to feel them. But what differentiates a believing Muslim from others is the way he/she deals with these feelings. Let what has happened to you be your drive to strive towards success in the right way. You have a big heart my dear and Allah will reward you for your sabr.
It is natural that questions/thoughts will keep popping up in your mind about your brother, his future wife etc. But Aisha - let these questions go from your mind. It may be that he will eventually feel immense guilt for his actions and do tawbah inshaAllah! Trust that Allah will take care of these things for you.
As I said, you just think about you and your soul and your relationship with Allah. When you focus on this, other things will begin to fall in to place inshaAllah.
If you want to keep writing here, please do so and we will be happy to also keep talking to you. Or if you wish for one of our female editors to contact you, so you can speak in private, we can also arrange that for you.
May Allah protect you with his Mercy little one,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
xxx
I would love to talk to someone privately. I'm not too sure how to deal with this, but I am listening to your advice and am leaving the details up to Allah (swt). Inshallah, I feel things will get better. While I can't be as open as I want to be in real life, I feel I will be more honest to you about my feelings. I'm so grateful to you for giving me hope and guiding me closer to Allah.
Dear Yuki,
I shall email you.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com
Editor
x
Hi sisterz
i think Emm case post is get closed can u tell me my answer because i m in the same circumstances faces alot of problems ;
Just answer in case of emm who is her Wali if she want to marry in future??????????????
this is very important to me.. because a friend of me is stuck with a girl who have exactly the same circumstances and her father dont even want to let her marry what do u thik who is her wali?????????????and how she can marry if she want to saart a life????????
Waitng for answer;
Waqas
Waqas, if her father is unqualified or unavailable, her wali could be her brother, an uncle, or another male relative. If there are none, then the Imam can act as her wali.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i replied u on email ,,
i want to open up more but i want in private email ,, i hope u understand ;
BR
Wa'laikumsalaam, first of all may Allah let her find peace and comfort in her heart InshAllah . I know exactly how your friend feels. When I was 7 and a half my brother who is also 8 years older than me started molesting me. It happened about two times and the third time I realized it was wrong. The third time he tried to molest me I backed away and put my clothes back on and left. That same night he was sleeping in the same room with me and molested me again I was embarrassed and scared. He kept leaving and I kept pulling my pants and underwear back on hoping that he would get the message to stop. But he kept doing it until he left, the next morning I was shocked and traumatized at what had happened and told my mother. My mother was shocked and couldn't believe what she had heard. She asked my two other brothers if they knew anything about what had happened both of them thought I was crazy and had a nightmare or was just imagining things. I was scared to tell her who did it when I told her my oldest brother did it she was shocked because she knew that he was very religious and would never do such a thing. I was crying and insisting that he did it. A couple of days before my 8th birthday I went out with a friend to the park when I came back home I found my mom talking to my older brother his eyes filled with crocodile tears. He told my mom that he had no idea what I was talking about. And that he didn't lay a hand on me. When I had heard this I got very angry and told my mom that I didn't ever want to talk about this again. And my wish came true. After my traumatic experience I have wet the bed multiple times. And have had several nightmares, fevers, urinary problems, and became very shy and reserved. And I became very interested in sex Astaghfirullah. I have committed zina and am very ashamed of myself. Now I am 14 and a half and am still having problems coping with the whole experience. I feel angry at my brother, every time he speaks to me I try to ignore him, I have lost complete trust in him. He irritates me with every movement that he makes or word that he says. I feel like I don't ever want to see his face ever again. I feel like he robbed me of my life. I am very depressed and he's always happy and has an easy going life. And he always tells me to enjoy my self and to stop being shy and to relax. I get infuriated and feel like saying well maybe you shouldn't have molested me. But it would feel so awkward because it has been 6 years and a half since it happened. I feel dead, please someone give me advice on how I can revive myself and fix my life :((( I have given up on life and can't think straight about anything anymore, I'm doing horrible in school and have a very reserved relationship with my mom. I can't do anything anymore. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME :'(
Asalamalaikum,
This message is for two sisters, the one who this post was initially about, but also the second sister whose name is "SOS (HELP ME)".
First of all sisters, I am so sorry that you have gone through so much suffering throughout your life. How terrible it must be to have gone through the the abuse that you faced growing up, at the hands of your own brother.
I felt that I should comment, because I strongly feel that the help that you both will find useful is by professionals. You may want to find an organisation that provides counselling or support by Muslims, and I also know a place that provides confidential online counselling/support for free, through emails and web chat. You can also phone them. They are based in the UK, but you can use their services wherever you are in the world. They are a Muslim organisation too, which is perfect for you both, and you can request to talk to a sister if that makes you more comfortable.
The organisation's name is Muslim Youth Helpline, and you can go on their website at: http://www.myh.org.uk to access their web chat services for emotional support, and also get their email and number. I've used their service in the past and alhamdulilah I found it to be very helpful. Phoning them is free, I know because I asked.
May Allah be with you both,
You are in my duas,
Sister M
Subhan'Allah .. *takes a deep breath*
Your stories sadden me very , very much. I can't possibly imagine what you are feeling. There is lecture by Shaykh Navid Aziz -" He Who Has No One Has Allah" it can now be viewed here: http://www.vimeo.com/16953340 .. it dedicated to people who have experience similar suffering.
I see your words a lot of anger is also directred to your mother, my question is... where is your father? Your father is the Wali, he is your protector in this world, he should be the one told. It's hard, extremely hard to talk about things like this and maybe it was your brother(s) ignorance, hormones, weakness that lead them to be so destructive. No excuse in the world will be okay....but understanding bits here and there might help your path of healing. But sometimes on burst of strength and courage (ie telling people that can help with the situation) will cause a ripple affect of healing and relief (Insha'Allah).
There is another program by Zeyad Ramadan, dealing with Sexual Addiction and trying to understand the mentality behind it. http://www.purifyyourgaze.com/purify-your-gaze-live-2
PLEASE and I say this from the bottom of my heart, don't have shame in yourself from the wrongs other people have imposed upon you!! You torture yourself for something that you did not actively choose upon yourself or understand at the time. Be kind to yourself!
As for your mother(s)...... they suffer from their own emotional baggage which makes it very difficult to act accordingly. Don't think that if your mother is good to your brother that everything is "okay", and that he did nothing wrong. No it just means your mother is weak. This is why father's are the maintainers of their family. Mother's have other things on their minds (like not being embarassed if others find out, or pretended it didn't happen so everything will be "okay" even if it's not)
. Shaytaan is an open enemy and he is everywhere. Trying to take you away from the path to Allah swt.....don't make another person's wrong against you a reason for you to do wrong. We all have choices, be strong and make the right choices. Reach out to those you trust, to all of us here.... and TRUST ALLAH swt, HE Knows. You aren't alone, He Knows your pain, and suffering. He is MOST JUST so be sure that you turn to Him and He will take care of you.
May Allah swt heal your wounds of pain, suffering, may He Watch over you and Protect you from the destruction of your ownselves due to the wrong done upon you..AMEEN!
My heart sincerly goes out to you........keeping you in my prayers!!
xoxo
your sister in Islam