Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Brother uses mom again and again

Fit to be a father? What do you think?

My parents have been enabling my brother for over 10 years. It keeps getting worse. Yes, jail, yes bail, yes warrants for his arrest, yes alcohol, pot, steroids...money problems. My mom gives him a monthly salary because he lost his low paying job again and again, and blew a large amount of  money from his savings. Now he is once again broke- think he's happy? No. He wants more money for nothing.

Now he wants to rent out HER condo so he can add that to his allowance to live in another country- all expenses paid by the enabler: Mom, who is now retired living on social security. Yes, she gives him half her check, yet he wants more. He can't go back to the US because of active warrants. She thinks it's better to give her son money than let him steal or end up in jail.

Another year passes and the problems get worse. Help, she won't stop throwing her money to him. Why can't she just say no? Oh, because he threatened to destroy her home. Did I mention he destroyed his room in the US twice, and never paid the money to repair it? Oh, and my dad died over a year ago. Now she is enabling this jerk on her own.

How many times does he mess up, and how long can she keep paying?  She isn't Bill Gates.  He's 29, so who can afford to pay for him for the rest of his life? Pot isn't cheap. Girls aren't cheap.  She keeps thinking just pay so she won't face the reality that she could've prevented all this if she had just stopped years ago.  She doesn't want to face it, hoping he will be quiet. But she lives in fear, still. When will it end?

-arabicutie


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7 Responses »

  1. Assamualaikum, sister I will like you to go to youtube and search of how set to your goals by john assaraf and watch it may be after watching it you can help him

  2. If your mother wants to give him money then neither you or our opinions will make a difference. When will it end? Either be dead by taking drugs or be in jail. Thats the sad reality.

    Have you tried talking to your brother? Explain to him he is going overboard, that he is destrying himself and needs help.

    peace..

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    I suggest that you speak to a counsellor and find out if you can get into touch with a recovering group of addicts. I think that your mother needs to hear from people who have or are recovering from drugs and hopefully they can speak to her about how her behaviour is keeping him suspended in this addictive situation.

    Your mother, it seems, will not change her behaviour, without being exposed to those who have been there. Work quietly on trying to have her meet with such a group of people and inn shaa Allah, it will make a difference.

    As for yourself, keeping your head above water can be really difficult, so take care of yourself, exercise lots, and ensure you have good support because I can't imagine how straining this would be on you.

    May Allah ease your family's problems and replace the difficulties with joys, Ameen.

  4. really sorry for the pain you going through may Allah help your brother back on the correct path ameen. This is so sad.

  5. Your brother is now used to being bailed out and does not understand responsibility. Did you try talkinf to your mother and making her understand the consequences in the long run. This way he will never learn to fend for himself and to take care of his own mess ups. My parents always told me to be self sufficient because they say one day they wont be here and thats a fact and i would be in a position to take care of myself. I hope you know what i mean and try to explain to your mom in that sense. Tell her that she should stop giving him money unless its absolutely critical life and death situation so that he can learn to be independent and in the future God forbid when nobody is able to help him what will he do. It is hard for a mother to turn away from their kids no matter what they do but try to explain to her thats its for his own good.

  6. Have your mother look at this video. I hope it helps.May Allah help your mother from her co-dependency disorder.
    http://youtu.be/lA_V9_JhvzU
    http://youtu.be/lA_V9_JhvzU

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    Let me start by saying I'm sorry to hear that your dad has passed away. May Allah's mercy grant him peace in the aakhirah and inshaAllah reunite you all in Jannah.

    From what you've written, it sounds that your brother has strayed quite far from the straight path - drugs, crime, inappropriate relationships with women... Drug and alcohol addictions can be a crippling illness (and there is medical evidence for them being illnesses, including structural and chemical changes in the nervous system), but treatment and support are available - but your brother will need to make that decision himself.

    I've a few suggestions that might help, inshaAllah:

    - Make dua, asking Allah to guide your brother back to Islam and to protect your mother from exploitation.

    - If you can, speak with your brother. Explain to him that you are worried about the life he is living, that it is affecting your mother's wellbeing, and that it is wrong in Islam to do these things. If you are able to, offer to help him sort out his life by, for example, going to a doctor's with him to seek help for his addictions. No matter how angry we feel with our immediate family, they are our family, and as such we have an obligation to provide help and support when they are in difficulty. If he says that he isn't concerned, then leave it for a time - he may not be ready to make a change.

    - Gently explain to your mother that you have significant concerns about how much she is supporting your brother. If possible, show her evidence of his drug use and other haraam activities - it's harder to deny something when it is right in front of you. She may not feel able to stop supporting him, but even a reduction in the amount given to him is a step in the right direction.

    - Get some support for yourself and your mother - speak to your family doctor and they should, inshaAllah, be able to link you with appropriate support groups.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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