Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Brother will never accept the person I want to marry


i am 18 years old, i have an older brother who is 22, he had a friend who started to come visit him at out house more often, suddenly the friend became really close with my family, he would always come and hang out with my parents and have a cup of coffee daily. he never seen me or ever my parents/brother spoke about me to him. as he seen that i come from a good family and he really liked my mum and the way she was towards my father, he realised she has obviously raised a good girl. he then got his mum to become friends with my mum and meet the family, his mum came over one day and met me and my mum and he really liked my family, so then my mum and her spoke more often. then suddenly my brother told my mum to stop letting the friend come over or get in contact with the family. my mum was really shocked and was curious to know whats happening. so she called up the friend and asked whats happened, he told her that I’m interested in your daughter so i asked one of my friends for advice if its right for me to ask for her hand and he told your son things that i never had intentions with and made your son hate me and he told me that theres no naseeb. so then my mum spoke to him and told him that my daughter is only 16 now wait another year until she finishes school and if she’s your naseeb allah swt will make it happen.So the friend stayed in contact with my mum and called her ever here and there and told her what his up too. i found out after a few days and i was really upset with my brother did and his reaction caused a lot of problems at time. no one in the family knew that i know only my mum which she was the one who told me about it without anyone knowing. i was really worried about him and wanted him to know that I’m interested but didnt know how, because he didnt know that I’m interested. After about 5month some how he got in contact with me we spoke for about 2 hours messaging each other and letting each other know that both of us are interested and leave it all in allah swt hands, we didnt want to do any harram and talk behind that parents back. then after that he messaged me after 5 month to check up on me and to see if I’m still interested, we spoke and the shay tan played with our minds and the conversation kept going we spoke and spoke for 3 weeks without anyone knowing.

One day my brother caught me talking to him and he went crazy and told me he will never accept him because he has a really bad past and his done harram stuff and I’m a 18 year old girl who hasn’t ever done anything and I’m worth better than him. i explained to him that the friend has repented and he is looking for the right girl to settle down and turn to allah swt and get married and open up a beautiful future, but my brother refused to mum got really upset at me for hiding it from her, she’s now very upset and doesn’t know if she should accept him for his wrong or not accept. i am stuck now not knowing what to do and how to convince my brother to accept him,im really upset and depressed because im causing alot of problems between me and my brother because of him and because my brother wont give him a chance. I don’t want to loose him,i really love him and want to get married to him,and he does too but from the way my brother disrespected him and told him off and called up his mum and ranted to her in a very rude way and told her that she’s not welcomed anymore, his not having hope that things will get better, i feel like his moved away abit, everything is so confusing now and I’m not knowing what to do. the persons family are happy for him to marry me its just my brother that doesn’t accept it and is refusing. the friend repented a few years ago and my brother is refusing to believe and accept him because his scared if the friend doesn’t treat me right or hurts me and get a divorce after we get married.i know my brother loves me and is scared and i do respect that, but how do i convince my brother that he can’t stop what allah swt wants, and refuse my naseeb just because his scared if the person hurts me or doesn’t treat me right. I’ve preformed a lot istikhara a couple of times but dont know what to follow. I’m a very weak girl and i don’t know how to convince my brother by talking to him his very stubborn and its very hard for me to stand infront of hi and let out how i feel because i get embarrassed. i did it once and i explained to him just give the person and chance and i buckled so much, and my brother promised me the matter what happens he will never accept me to marry him and would do anything to stop it, my mum doesnt mind it happening, its just my brother.i really need help i dont know what to do please any comment will be very helpfull.


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25 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu Alaykum sister,

    I think you gave the answer yourself. You said you wanted to tell your brother "that he can’t stop what allah swt wants". You're right, he can't. If Allah wants you to marry this man, I GUARANTEE you that your brother won't be able to stop it.

    I think the trick here is that you've allowed yourself to believe that your brother actually has some sort of power in the equation. Habibti, it just appears that way on the surface. Allah is in control, and you have to, have to, have to believe that whatever is happening now is really part of something meant for your good.

    What that means is either one of two things:

    1. You, being at the tender age of 18, and so hopeful and even having a start of affection for this brother, are willing to wait a little longer, have sabr, and throw your cares continually to Allah until He Himself make a way to soften your brother's heart and lend his support to the union that will eventually happen in shaa Allah;


    2. You anchor yourself to your iman, and know that if what is happening now doesn't change it means that Allah knew that this man certainly wasn't the best for you, and protected you from something that would've been bad for you in ways that you cannot begin to imagine.

    Here is what you need to remember: you don't need to know what the future holds to believe that Allah is giving you the one that will be best for you. You don't need to take control of a situation to help Allah carry out His decree for your life. What you need to do is continue going back to your Lord, again and again and again, do what He expects of you, and just watch how He moves things to another place.

    -Amy Editor

    • sister its very hard to speak to my brother his really thick headed, the man has been waiting fro 3 years. my brother and mum hurt him with there words. he backed away abit because he lost hope. i really dont know what to do, i really love him.

      • on top of everything my dad doesnt know anything about this

        • Salaam,

          I didn't suggest you to speak to your brother at all. When you say your father doesn't know about any of this, I think that changes everything. When you only mentioned in your post about your mother and brother, it made it seem like your father had passed away or something and your brother was standing in as the new man of the family.

          However if your father is still alive then it's his right above all, as your wali, to talk to you about how this all should go. Your brother actually has no say in the matter at all, if your father is around. If your father doesn't know, that's a problem. He needs to know right away.


          • my mum isnt planning to let my dad know because shes scared of his reaction because my dad is a very angry man and doesnt understand the point. i told my mum its wrong what shes doing but she still listens to my brother and makes him think his the man of the house which is wrong.

  2. Salam,

    I read your story and I would like you to consider some things about this man:

    1) A normal guy friend would be interested in your brother and will maximize his time there. He will talk briefly with the parents. This guy has been talking with your parents regularly without reason. He has been trying to get your parents to get comfortable with him and not know his past. He is trying to show your parents that he is of good character. He then takes it further by pushing a relationship between his mom and your mom. This will make your mom feel more comfortable with him and then help in accepting him. And he's been doing this since you were 16, meaning he liked you then and wanted to marry you so started this up then. I see this as heavy manipulation. Instead of relying on one's own character to do the talking since he knows his character and knows that your brother knows his character, he tries to show a different face to your parents in the hopes of getting married to you. Everything you know about him is this face that he shows you. You were not there when he interacted with those other women, I highly doubt you would feel the same had you witnessed it.

    2) Your brother is the only one that knows his candid side and because this friend knows that, he is trying to suppress your brother's opinion about your marriage. He would like you or your mom, that have no knowledge of the extent of his history to make this decision solely as if he is clean. He has been more forthcoming with you, but I doubt he has shared all the messages and conversations he's had with those other women with you.

    3) When your brother found out he's interested in you he asked to terminate the relationship. His reasoning is actually sound. This is at least his second relationship where he may have committed zina. If you marry this man you will feel intense love for him as he will be your first love. You will have nothing to compare to and will be willing to stay in the relationship more so then he will. He has a comparison point, the other women he was with. To him it's like this would be like his second or third marriage. And the love he will feel has less of a chance of lasting as the love you will feel. So it is more likely that an imbalance will occur in your relationship. You would then be back complaining about your marriage because it would be easier for him to get away with stuff than you as you would be more invested.

    4) Islamically speaking:
    The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers.
    If he has fornicated and you think he repented then he has repented for two years then? Basically the time he's been pursuing you? And your only point of information on his past has been your brother which he would stop telling things to if he's pursuing you?

    There is too much manipulation in this proposal I would not go for it. You're new at this relationship stuff and there are other men that are more capable of loving you strongly for what you offer than this man that has been setting up your parents and you for the last two years.

    If I were you I would listen to your brother and not talk or go near this person at all. I would run and consider that I was conned, I would not accept a marriage proposal from this man. Salam, I hope things work out for you. But besides naseeb, you are responsible for your own actions.

    • brother this man told me everything about his past as soon as we started speaking, he didnt know i knew about his past someone told me without him knowing that i know, he was honest with me himself and he asked me if i would still accept him because of his past. he repented and i was the first person he actially loved and was serious with, all the other girls he spoke to were just friends. i know this from somene that has known him for so long. but he doesnt know i know. he still told me all this when we spoke and i acted like its something i didnt know. from there i knew that he was a very honest man

      • Salam Saraahgee,

        Please let your father know about his past, whatever it is. You cannot rely on the knowledge of just one friend. Please ask your brother as to what he thinks this man's past is so that you two both know. Then go to the girls that he was involved with and ask them face to face as to what he has done with them and what he has said with them. This will clear up whether those were just friends and he was never really in love with them or if he did anything with them.

        Right now, you two have talked for a while and you have it in your head that this guy wants to marry you. You're thinking that this could be a great start for him and things are going to be great, but you can't judge that at this stage. Married life, where you are actually living with the person for 2 years, is different than now where you can't wait to get five minutes with him.

        Based on what your brother is saying he has either kissed or had physical relations with multiple girls. This isn't the same as what you're saying, which is that he has had friends that he talked to, that happened to be girls. Please check this for yourself with the girls he was with, ask your brother for details, relay this information to your father as it is his duty to protect you from potential suitors that aren't what they seem.

        If you get married, lose your virginity and then find out that he's not a great match you will lose value in the market. Allah may still provide the best for you but it isn't great to have divorce as the best option or to suffer in a marriage you thought would be good but isn't.

        What is the level of haraam actions that you think he has taken?

        • the person has committed 1 clubbing 2 drinking 3 zinna.
          i was thinking of getting a sheikh from the area to speak to my brother and telling him what his doing is wrong and then after that ill get the sheikh to speak to my dad.

          • Ask your mother to speak to your father about the boy's intention. See where it goes from here. The sins that you mention of this brother can be addictions too. Though, we are nobody to judge anyone's repentance but with his past you ought to be very very careful. Don't ruin your life. Allow your father to investigate him properly. If he has truly moved on from his past and your father is satisfied, there is no reason to doubt his sincerity regardless of your brother's opinion. Infact, your brother may have a change of heart if your father is satisfied.

          • Salam Saraa,

            Thanks for the response. If I was responsible for marrying you off, and keep in mind that I don't know you nor do I love you like a daughter, I would say no to this. This would be purely on the basis that this is not a fair trade. One does not give a girl for whom Allah has entrusted as a guardian, to a man that could not stop himself from committing zina 3 times. If you had committed zina three times, and consumed alchohol then I would've welcomed this brother and married you to him. There's still a four year age difference but that would've been more of a fair trade. Now before you go off and commit zina so that that's all that's possible. Zina is a major sin, but had he avoided it, his minor sins would have been automatically forgiven:

            If you avoid the major sins which you are forbidden, We will remove from you your lesser sins and admit you to a noble entrance [into Paradise].

            Another thing is that to commit zina he would have either have had to hire a prostitute, or dated with a girl where comitting zina is accepted, or he would have to have told her the same things he's been telling you and she would be in love with him just like you are. In other words, those other girls have done more with him and have been more in "actual love" than you have. You have only talked with him, whereas they have been alone with him and done what a married couple does.

            As for honesty, I do appreciate that he was forthcoming with this information with you. This does show repentance and at least you know some of what you would be getting in to. It still bothers me that he wasn't forthcoming with your mother. He should've told her that the real reason why your brother asked for no contact was because of his past. This would be more in line with him having repented and leading an honest life. Perhaps he made a mistake.

            There are men that commit major sins and turn their life around, improving beyond those that have not committed major sins. So without seeing this brother I cannot say. But his sins as you have mentioned them are red flags for me and enough that I would've said no. A virgin to virgin marriage is good as they have no point of comparing intimacy with anyone else. But a non virgin to virgin marriage is lopsided as the non virgin has comparison points. A non virgin to non virgin marriage is also good as both people easily forgive and are not jealous of the other's past as they have done the same.

            If you pursue this relationship there is a greater chance that it will not go well than that it will go well. But it may not come to that, the second he proposes your brother will most likely intervene and tell your father, who will most likely get angry and the matter will be settled.

            What do you think of all this? Is this something that changes your mind or would you still pursue him? I should mention that it is not fair to your father to hide his past like this. He needs to know all the information before he marries you off. Salam.

          • brother thanks for the advice i really appreciate it, i understand what your trying to say, you dont know me and i dont know you. ill be straight honest with you, if my dad was to find out about the guys past he will get angry but if all swt has forgiven then my dad should, my dad himself has committed zina when he was younger so he should understand it. And from what ive heard from the person that told my about the guys past is that his never took a girl serious in his past he was just one of them boys that wanted to muck around. but Alhamdillah he has repented and moved on from all them things. when we spoke behind my parents back everyday he would at least pray once at the mosque, and almost every night we would wake up each other for fajr.
            and bother wallahi i always think to my self someone can be very very bad and commit alot of zinnas but they can always repent from their heart and over on and never come back to what they did bad. if someone did bad in their past doesnt mean they will never change.

          • my mum and dad dont really get along they only live together because of their kids, my mum would find it really hard to sit my dad down and explain to him

          • Salam Saraah,

            Thanks for responding again, I'm going to try to answer your question as to what you should do. The gist of the problem is the following correct? You're in love with this guy, he has a past, you had hopes that someone would help you in getting married to him so that you could have him despite his past.

            Now here's what I'd like you to do:
            1) Gain some understanding.
            2) Weigh your risks and take action.
            3) Accept the consequences, learn and make changes for the future.

            1) This is the first time you've fallen in love and this guy has been around since you were 15 to make this happen. Love is addictive like a drug and most of it is based on what we think is the potential of what the other person will do for us in a relationship. Since you know little about him you are filling in the blanks with optimism and thus creating a very high feeling of love. I found this map on the internet and it's pretty accurate:

            You're in the first stage right now. If you actually spent a day with this person doing chores together you would have a better sense of what it is like to be with him and your love would be based on more real data than what you have now. And even still this feeling will not last in this life as Allah has designed this life to be temporary and both of you will age and have less to talk about.

            So even if you marry him, he won't feel the same after 2 years, then 4 years, then 7, and then the least at 10 years. This is normal, that's why your parents are the way they are now. Knowing all this, the reason why you marry someone is because you think they are a good person to start a family with and be with. Here's another article that talks about this:

            So since the love gets less later a good way to pick a guy is to make sure you're attracted to him and then make sure he actually fears Allah. Someone who reads the Quran every day while understanding its meaning is likely to have this fear of Allah. Such a man will try to do the right thing regardless of the conditions and will help you raise a good family. So check and see if this man reads every day. Check if he fears Allah. He did not when he committed zina but perhaps he does now.

            2) If you think your love is based on real data and you can see yourself being with this man despite him not being that into you after 2-10 years then it may be worth pursuing. Build a business case as to why you should marry this man and bring it to your parents. Committing zina is a negative but you could end up with a much worse husband that hasn't committed zina so you need to know your market value and show that this man is a good match. I should mention that if you are continuing then you have decided that this doesn't apply to you:
            You also need to be prepared for not getting a lot of support from your parents after marriage when they say "we told you so" for every problem. But if they don't support this, you could go as far as disowning your family and getting a new wali. But I'm pretty sure that option is not going to be worth the trouble and hopefully you don't go there.

            3) If it works, then you have what you wanted. If it doesn't then in the future remember that neither you or the guy should be in love. You two should've stopped at liking each other and then allowed your father and brother to provide all the information to ensure a good marriage. If the data did not support a good marriage then no loss to you. If it doesn't work, getting over someone takes time, you have to go no contact and grieve the loss of the relationship. You know this guy for 3 years, generally it takes the amount of time you know someone to get over them, some times longer, some times less.

            Lastly, I know you didn't ask for this but please try not to say things that claim you know the will of Allah. You mentioned that if this man is your naseeb then why should your brother fight the will of Allah, and that if Allah has forgiven him your dad should too. It is unknown whether this man is what Allah intends for you as a husband, and whether Allah has forgiven this man. Others have said similar things in the Quran and the result has not been good:

            And they say, "Never will the Fire touch us, except for a few days." Say, "Have you taken a covenant with Allah ? For Allah will never break His covenant. Or do you say about Allah that which you do not know?"

            In Surah 18 the man loses his lively hood by saying such things.

            Instead, please take this man as a test. If he is good to you then it is a test to see how you are grateful to Allah and how you remember Allah. Or perhaps he will be a trial for you and your patience as well as your whether you take the right actions will be checked. I hope things work out for you either way. It could be that this man was just a trial so that you would look into Islam more. Salam.

        • jazakallah kheir for your effort, this was really helpful !

  3. Salamwalekum brothers and sisters
    Plz pray for me i want divorce from wife .from her side . My mom and dad help me and allah plz pray for me

  4. You should listen to your parents and brother as you are still young. That boy has a past so your brother is just watching out for you be careful

  5. Salaam sister,

    By reading your post and responses, it seems you are intoxicated in love with this man.

    Allah knows best. But it seems, the brother has done a good job on you. Be careful!

    M has made a lot of important points, please review her comments again with the "love emotions" detached.

    We all maybe wrong about this brother either way.

    May good come your way, bless.

    • i honestly am inlove maybe it doesn't sound like i really love him but really his always on my mind, i feel so lost and no one in the family understands my problem. brother what do you suggest me to do ?

      • Sister,

        He clearly already suggested to you to reread M's advice with as much objectivity as possible.

        Quite honestly, you've gotten a lot of decent feedback and advice, but you keep coming back to the same thing: I want him and what can I do to make it happen?

        That's the problem. You can't make things go your way. In fact, that negates the whole idea of submission to Allah. It's not about what we want and forcing our way. It's about discovering what Allah wants and submitting to that.

        I have been working on this site long enough to know that you won't get a crew of people behind you to say what you want to hear, if you're fixated about something. It seems like that's what you're really looking for.

        -Amy Editor

        • These are all the tactics of boys to get a good girl after commiting lots of zina... The thing is that, the one who commits once might not stop doing that for whatever reason... It's more likely that he's trying or acting to be nice with u in chat n calls n it's quite easy to deceive a girl so easily... I don't take this guy whom you feel for as a serious one.. He hasn't even attained the maturity for thinking of marriage at an age of 22! As time passes on u will realise someday that u made the wrong decision... Open up your senses n think sensibly, not emotionally.. As m rightly pointed out, fornicators are born only to be fornicators'. Despite, getting lots of suggestions, if you wish to turn away, then your fate is sealed..Nothing could change your heart.. Marry that guy n m expecting your post on this site maybe after sometime like the other posts that we see here.... Just go through and read the posts here atleast n use your brain before you lend yourself to him... May Allah grant you wisdom! God bless.. M a boy n I know how does a boy think better than u

    • Salam brother, a few nights ago i seen a dream that i was asking my mum if she can call the person and speak to him, she did it and when she called him she was speaking to him he was really upset and my mum asked him whats wrong he was telling her that he lost me and he feels so lost in life, my mum felt upset she asked him something and then he went silent for a few seconds then he shut the phone because he was buckling and was crying. then after he shut me and my mum started crying together. she called him back up and told him to come over and speak when he came over i was walking past and he seen me without the scarf. do you reckon this dream means anything ?

      • This dream may or may not mean anything. Right now you are looking for a ray of hope.

        How are things now? Has there been any progress with your situation?

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