Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My brother’s wife is greedy and demanding

tree lonely

Lonely and Depressed

Assalamoalaikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatahu

My father was a gambler and used to force my mother to give him money paid into her bank account from the government [social security]. When there was no government money he used to force my mother to ask for money from friends or relatives. We had a hard time paying for household necessities including rent, groceries, bill etc.

When my my older brother got his first job after finishing his degree [he was 24 at the time] my dad forced him [don't ask me how but in Pakistani society parents still control their children after reaching adulthood, kids like us have no confidence in themselves] into marrying  a clever and greedy girl who was my childhood friend.

My brother objected to this marriage as he knew that she was greedy, selfish and really rude but my father was hoping  that she would control my brother due to her cunningness and by controlling my brother my father would have a hold onto all the money earned by my brother [my dad knew that my brother will never give him a cent because of my father's gambling habits] as he and that girl were pretty close.

At that time me and her were pretty close-we were best friends - and I literally helped my father to get my brother married to her against his will. I knew everything about her but I still wanted my best friend to become related to me.. I now regret this mistake.

Of course my father was wrong in this assumption of his and ended up with no access to my brother's money as the girl he got my brother married to was very selfish and greedy herself. She and her father were very rude to my brother, as we are of a different ethnicity to them - they are Pathan [Pashtus originally from Afghanistan] and we are ethnically Kashmiri from the Pakistani side but originally from the Indian side [the problems arising due to differences in lifestyle and ethnicity were also one of the reasons behind my brother's objections-not that he was racist or didn't believe in intermarriage but he feared the repercussions of an interracial marriage due to fears of her extended family's racist views.]

The girl had liked my brother due to his 'soft' attitude and his good-looking appearance and her parents initially welcomed the match since they were so desperate to get rid of their greedy, cunning and selfish daughter. Of course the father of the girl showed racist attitudes later on from time to time due to his extended family thinking badly of him for marrying their daughter into a non-Pashtun family -they call us 'Punjabis' though we are not and they find it funny that we have a fair-skinned complexion despite being Pakistani. [We Kashmiris are fair-skinned in general.. and this is a cause of great snidery from my brother's in-laws].

Anyways, the problems started on the wedding day itself. My brother is a simple and modest kind of person while she is extravagant. My brother wanted a simple Nikah ceremony followed by a simple Walima function. She wanted an 'epic' event. She also wanted a high amount of Mahr and took the right to divorce in the Nikah contract. It took a while to convince her to keep the wedding simple. She kept that event in her mind long after that incident.

Later on my brother decided to accept her as his wife because in Islam if someone is forced into marriage then he/she has the right to annul the marriage contract. However divorcing her would lead to great shame for her family and so my brother tried to live with her as her husband.

However she was extremely greedy, always demanding that my brother buy her expensive jewellery, accessories and a car though my brother could not afford most of these things. Whenever she didn't get what she wanted she'd leave the house and go and stay with her parents and tell her parents that my brother was being unkind to her.

My brother would apologise to her family even if it was not his fault just so that his wife would return and his family would not break apart. Being incredibly selfish she even aborted their child and always used contraception pills behind my brother's back as she said she did not want children right now and wanted to maintain her body as she is really slim and wants to stay slim [she is obsessive about her looks].

My brother didn't say a word despite all this and continued to bear her and tried to be nice to her and convince her to change her ways but she always reacted really rudely.  They would constantly argue until one day she had an outburst, screaming REALLY loudly at him and accusing him of being selfish and having done 'nothing' for her-no 'great' wedding ceremony, no expensive jewellery [though he did give what he could afford], car etc..

My brother was extremely hurt by this lie and threatened to divorce her [he didn't mean to, he just lost his temper]. She went back to her parents house and told them that my brother was being abusive and threatened to divorce her. Her family was outraged and refused to let their daughter come back to my brother.

A few days later she convinced her family to file for her divorce and told my brother that she would only return if he gave her separate accommodation, a car and some more expensive jewellery. My brother refused, saying he couldn't afford 2 separate houses for us and his wife. So she went ahead with the divorce proceedings in court [not Islamic..but British courts] and now my brother does not know what to do.

There is a part of him that tells him to get rid of her and another part of him that says no -he has a strange reason. he says he doesn't want to remarry as he is no longer a bachelor and does not want to go around with the marital status of being 'divorced'.

He is unsure of what to do, we need advice on what he should do????

Also, my brother has also started having temper tantrums lately and he accuses all of us [except my mother] in having a hand in this marriage in the first place. He constantly blames us, puts up angry stares, shouts at us constantly and makes snide remarks about all of us. He's become a miserable wreck. What can be done to cool him down?

He also says that he will never marry again if he gets divorced. My mother is deeply hurt by this as she wants him to have a normal and happy life with children of his own.

~ Farah Dar

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13 Responses »

  1. bro

    I dodnt know what kinda of phatan this girl but belive me man no phatan woman or any woamn should be that greedy. when you get married you expect some thing of your partner and one of those things is not excessivness. seriously cars and houses that a gold digger. I have a question is she ricj or would you say she has the same living standards as you i,e money house etc. the reason I ask is that it is advised that people should marry those with same level of lifestyle you understand what I am trying to say.

    The mahr for phatan is always high bro I know becuase I have three sister and I am phatan so that expected. However afterwards the women dont ask for much expect for the nessicity etc cars and jewllery what the hell bro . no offence but your sister looks like a gold digger asking for a house a car and more jewllery and then she come back and on top of that seperate accomdation what the point of being married then.

    that would even be forgivable but the abortion thing that was well off in my view , see what your brother postion as a husband in islam is as in what his right i am no imam or anything like,

    overall bro your sister in law walking all over him well will her demand stop?

    you go back to a person becuase your care for them and your lotlerate them to a certain extent and you go that extra mil becuase of who they are.?

    not for money or worldly stuff. no one like divorce nor does allah but think about it this way if there living in seprate accomdation who will be looking after there "needs ". better to have no contact then bad contact.

    and as for your brother being old dont worry about that , love has no age LOL okay that was corny. no but seriously people who are fifty get maried. your sister in law shoudl get a taste of life and see how much peoepl are stuggle to put food on the table let allong jewllery etc,

    all the best bro I feel for you

    let me know how it goes on. and as always do dua know one knows better than allah and ask a imam etc for your rights and what they think your brother should do. and have faith

    remember me in your duas bro

  2. Salam,

    @ Woody, I think you basically stated exactly what the original poster already knew.

    To the original poster, I'm sorry your brother is making snide remarks, but it's sort of earned, isn't it. How to stop him? Well he's been through hell because of you all forcing him to marry and now he's giving you a little hell. I'd say let him get it out of his system, and then just do the three A's:
    I mean what else can you do? Say I'm so sorry, please forgive us, etc. Hopefully that will bring some peace in his heart and allow him to forgive and move on.
    As for the marital status of divorced, are you all stuck in the same tiny town forever? Your lifestyles sound like that of a tiny village where people trade cows for women. Sorry but sheesh... who cares if he's divorced? If the womans family cares, then that's something he'll have to deal with as he's looking for a wife. Westerners and white women don't really care if you're divorced... the reality of life is sh!t happens. A Muslim can marry a Christian, Jew or Muslim. I suggest after this huge mess you've given him, you all back off and let this poor man just live his life. No more poking your noses into his dating affairs, make sure your parents don't even know anything about who he is dating until they've decided they're right for each other. Your father sounds like an ill intended man. It is said by Allah SWT to respect your parents, unless what they do or ask for is against the will of Allah. Everything your father stands for is against the intention of Allahs life for us, so completely refusing your father any information at all wouldn't be out of the question. Yes, it's true your father will pay for his deeds in the next life as will we all, but that does NOT obligate us to deal with those kinds of people in THIS life. Give your brother a break and as for you, become a brother. One who jokes, gives advice and is there because your bro will need someone to ask advice from when it comes time to chose another woman and you will need to keep your intentions and emotions in check to step up and take this role that you have in his life. Think of your brother as the main benefactor in his marriage... not all of you!

  3. i am quite shocked to read the behaviour of this greedy woman, im pathan myself, and ive never seen someone like this. i feel very sorry for ur brother, and mashaa Allaah he has been very patient with her. i think he is a great husband.

    i really dont know what to say, to divource or not to divorce, i dont know about the shariah ruling, if u would like to know whether ur brother should divorce or try to recouncile again, then i think u should submit ur question on to islamqa or islamweb website, to get an answer from a scholer in sha Allaah.

    if recounciling can be done, or the scholer advices to try so, then recouncile, otherwise, if leaving his wife is not sinful on him, then seperate.

    and im sorry for their behaviour, she should have honoured her husband and in-laws who had done no wrong to her, but she did not, rather she was ungrateful and selfish.

    may be her family are supporting her, because they may not know the full truth, i think ur brother should go and speak to someone from her family, the one that is the wisest and the best out of them, and talk to them, and see what happens. may be that person from her family may set her on track after knowing how she has been like with u all.

    if things do get serious to divorce for real, from both sides, ur brother can refuse to divorce her until she ransoms herself from him with some money or wealth. this is called khula ... on islamqa website u will get a lot more info about khula, in sha Allaah, here is one link regarding it ... ... i think this may make her think again, since she is greedy, i dont think she will want to give anything back to ur brother, and ur brother does seem like a nice person so i think she may decide to change her ways and get back to him. however, if she does decide to go forward with khula at least ur brother will get some money in return, since she is so ungrateful and doesnt see much value for the mahr that she was given, then how about giving it back to him.

    if the divorce does take place, then after some time passing by, get ur mother to encourage him for second marriage, he surely deserves a good loving wife, who will appreciate him and know his value, not all are the same. and im sure there are many girls out there that would not mind at all about his past marriage and would just look at his qualities and wuld want to marry him. i would advise to look for a religiously commited woman, it is this type of a woman that can be a great wife, and an islamic wife will be able to see the beauty of a simple nikah and walima and be content with her husbands hard earned money.

    brother, u certainly have made the mistake of getting involved in ur fathers plan, though ur intention were different to that of ur fathers. u forced ur brother, and that was very wrong, u also knew how she was. however, i am sure he will forgive u in sha Allaah, he does seem to have big heart, just keep trying to comfort him in his difficult time and support him as much as u can. do not be angry back at him, be patient, and give a lot of care and love and ask for forgiveness.

    everything will get better in sha Allaah. just keep praying for the best to happen and encourage him to get closer to Allaah (or telling ur mom to tell him so ), he will find peace and a control over anger perhaps too then. ... do be calm with him, he is going through a very rough time, and so has become quite sensitive. hope everything goes well for ur bother and u and ur family.

  4. Sister,

    Quite simply your brother has nothing to lose and everything to gain. From my perspective, she did him a favor by going home...he can do way better. A woman should treat her husband with respect and kindness, not be a greedy, money hungry individual. He might think he would never marry again but in time, that will change...God willing.

    You say, "he accuses all of us [except my mother] in having a hand in this marriage in the first place. He constantly blames us, puts up angry stares, shouts at us constantly and makes snide remarks about all of us. He's become a miserable wreck". I say, "he is correct in how he feels, you say yourself you pushed him into this marriage because you wanted your friend to become part of your family. You knew this girl was greedy but you pushed your own brother into this marriage and after all this time, he's just letting all of you know how miserable he is. Had you and your family not pushed him into a marriage he clearly did not want, he wouldn't be going through this mess right now. It's a terrible thing when we put our own wants and desires before what is best for a loved one. May Allah guide this brother and soften his hardened heart.


  5. Wa'alaykumsalam Farah,

    I really feel sorry for your brother. For all he went through, he was patient and a good man it seems. He deserves better. Unfortunately, he fell into a rediculous family pressure and got a gold digger. It seems as though they both are not compatible with each other.

    Regarding that women, she is no doubt a materialist and she is clearly chasing dunya. She didn't realise that once angel of death approach her, she will be leaving everything behind and entering that black hole underground empty handed with only her invisible deeds. Chasing this dunya is valueless,

    " Know ye (all), that the life of this world is but play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting and multiplying, (in rivalry) among yourselves, riches and children... the life of this world is but matter of illusion." ( Al-Hadid 20 )

    she is a terrible person in all aspects even in character. She has done abortion many times etc. She is a sinner. You even said she is obssesive about her looks and body, these types of women are dangerous. These types of women in some cases even cheat their husband. Once again, she is somuch into this world because in the hereafter, Our Prophet said: " Allah does not look to your face nor to your body but he looks to your heart for rightious deeds". No good will come out from her untill and unless Allah tests her. Oh wait, Allah is already testing her and she is failing miserebly. So sad.

    Our Prophet said:

    "Three things destroy, and three things save. As for the three things that destroy, they are: greediness that is obeyed, and desires that are followed, and a person becoming self-conceited (and proud) with himself/herself. As for the three things that save, they are: the fear of Allah in secret and public, and moderation in poverty and richness, and fairness in anger and pleasure."

    This hadith clearly describes the couple in question. Deep love for this world cannot exist in a heart devoted to Allah. The Prophet said: "The Day of Judgement has come close, and mankind will only increase their desire for this world, and they will only go farther and farther away from Allah.".

    Now regarding your brother, unfortunately, he too is having a test. He should remain patient and calm and decide properly. Farah, you have done wrong by 'literally' forcing your brother to marry that woman knowing her characters etc and so may Allah forgive you and others who helped.

    Your brother can either keep her and have patience with pain hoping that she will adapt to his life style and be good ( which I highly doubt she will ) or he can divorce her and get back to normal and be cool. His marital status will not affect him insha'Allah once divorced. He is good looking, I believe there will always be proposals on the table. Farah, you and your family should now ' literally ' apologize to him. Seek his forgiveness . Comfort him for now he is in desperate situation. If I were in his place, I would divorce her no doubt. I dont want a child murderer as my wife. As basically a wife can be an enemy, as Allah said: "O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you, therefore beware of them!.." ( At-Taghaboon)

    She is even trying to divorce him, interesting.
    our Prophet said: " The women who seek divorce with no valid reason will not even smell the fragrance of paradise ".

    Her bad deeds just goes on and on.

    Farah, since your sister-in-law is a best friend, I recommend you to teach her more about Islam. Advise her to fear Allah and his severe punishments. Inform her of all the sins she has committed (abortion etc ) and tell her to repent. Tell her by chasing dunya, she is compromising akhirah. Give her some peace of your mind. She has already destroyed your brothers life.

    Your brother should pray to Allah. Ask Allah's help. He should try to control his anger because the damge has been done. Farah, you need to be dutiful too.

    To summarise it up, Divorce her and live a simple life devoted to Allah, without headache, tentions, crimes etc, Only peace. Or keep her and suffer.

    • I weep at nights for hours at a time bcoz of what my brother has went through, and bcoz I was involved too. I don't know how he has been patient with that woman for such a long time and how he could be so kind to her and her family despite all the torture they gave him. He went through depression due to this.
      I feel so sorry for him and I am full of remorse for dumping my brother in hell.
      And brother/sister, me and her are not on talking terms anymore.

      • Okay Farah, don't be hard on yourself anymore. Past is past, think of a better future with a new sister-in-law if Allah wills. Do not weep so much about his situation because you'll only put yourself in a depress and upset state. Help your brother to overcome his horror by giving and comforting him with sound advice and put a smile on his face with some humorous jokes if possible.

        By the way, What is the situation now ?

  6. Subhanallah sis, His frustrated and its a difficult time for him so don't take his harsh comments to heart, he still loves you and your family hun.

    I say maybe its for the good its worked out this way, if she is just after is money and so hasty in choosing to divorce him then that just goes to show that she has no value or respect for him and she will betray him when anything small goes wrong and she is not worth it. Why would he want to be with someone who does not appreciate him and is in love with his money and not him. Your brother in time will see that you don't stay with someone just for the tittle of being married, and Inshallah your brother will also learn from this experience what qualities he wants in a wife and to be wiser in picking next time inshallah.

    and don't worry your little head, he is saying he will never get married but us as humans we can't live alone forever, sooner or later when loneliness kicks in, he will want to get married and have a family Inshallah.

    Tell your brother to pray istikharah and Allah will guide him to what is best.

    don't be sad, its not your fault or your families fault. it is what it is , it is the Qadr of Allah, everything will be ok
    inshallah, just continue to make dua lil sis xx

  7. I feel so sorry for your brother i cant believe the ones that have it all are just not satisfied i mean what sort of women aborts her own child even if it meant to happen from Allah, astagfillallah. All i can say is give him time out, let him breath and calm down. Sit down with him and ensure him you will support him if he needs you marriage is not easy, finding the right person and building that into marriage is not always easy. There have been some misunderstandings and i feel your brothers pain, i hope inshallah Allah shows him a clearer direction. All the things your brother is saying is because he is frustrated and angry dont take it to heart its the pain he is going through, it will take time to heal.

    • And my brother is still confused on whether to divorce her or not. I don't want to repeat my mistake of forcing him into a decision again, but he DOES need advice on what to do this time.
      And my mother was NOT forcing him into this marriage. She was the only family member who took his side when he was being forced [my mistake, yeah], that is why he is not angry with my mum. However my father has a habit of blaming my mum and her family [which is in Canada] for all the problems in our family and is accusing my mum's family of doing black magic on us [he is lying, he knows this but swearing at my maternal relatives and anyone else seems to give him satisfaction that he didn't cause any problems].
      And whenever my brother tries to not give my dad any money, my dad starts fighting with my mum and threatens to give her talaaq if my brother doesn't give him any money. So my brother just hands over any money he has to my dad. In fact my father says that the whole drama happening now is my brother's fault for threatening to divorce my bhabhi during their last fight.This was when she accused my bhai of having never done anything for her. My brother who had been patient with her all this time just felt too hurt and only threatened to divorce her if she didn't change her behaviour towards him. That is the reason for the current fight between them.

      • Sister,

        Only your brother knows what he needs to do right now when it comes to staying with his wife or not. He knows what he needs to do but he is conflicted and doesn't know whether to turn right or left. Leave him to make his own decision, this way he cannot accuse anyone later on in regards to his choice. If I remember, I think you said the two of you were not on speaking terms. If this is so, try to make peace with your brother...approach him with kindness and let him know that you are there for him. He probably really needs a good friend right now anyways. I strongly advise your brother not give another penny to your father if you know it's going towards gambling. Let him make his empty threats, that's all they are. Stand together as a family as best you can and know that every family has their are not alone.

        Hope things get better for all of you.


        • I totally agree with you Najah but Farah i dont agree with black magic people are quick to blame their problems on this maybe it is the weakness in them, maybe it is from Allah and should put faith in Allah never lose hope. I too hope things work out for your brother and your family inshallah.

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