Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Bullied and belittled by the in-laws I live with

Angry in-lawsAssalam o alaikum,

After searching many websites, finally I am able to find the right one, I guess. I hope you will guide me better, because I am very tense nowadays.  I live in Pakistan. I was married in 2009. My husband is a very nice person. He takes care of me regarding my needs. He has 1 sister and 3 brothers.

The problem is that my sister-in-law is married and she is almost 2 years younger than me. As she is the only one daughter or sister in her home so she is treated very specially. As I told earlier that she is married but still she lives in my father-in-laws home (we all live together). Her in-law’s home is nearby, but my mother-in-law prefers her to live here.

She interferes in every matter from the choice of my clothes to the choice of home construction material. Its seems as though she is the one with all the knowledge and the other person is goof. Last time, we  had to go somewhere for the purchasing of tiles and marbles for the construction of our home. She was with us and she continuously gave her suggestions about what to buy,  regardless of thinking that it's not her matter. It’s a matter of her brother and his wife to purchase things of their own because they will live there.

She insisted to purchase material of her choice. I talked to my husband and he told me in privacy that “don’t worry I will buy everything of your choice”. When she realized that he is listening to me, she took my husband aside and started to talk. When I reached to ask “what are you talking about?” she said “it’s between a brother and a sister.”

I  felt very bad because his sister and I are not different persons now.

My husband should stop her when she said that but he didn’t. When I asked him later what she was saying, he said that she was saying “ I don’t like the material that you  people have selected, if you chose this one it will be better.”

This was only one example. She interferes in everything even on my dress. “You should wear this cloth while going to that family” etc etc. I have never said anything to her. My mother-in-law takes her side every time and becomes offensive. Our new home is under construction and she says that her daughter with live in that home where I will live. She told me that she will keep one room for her in my new home on permanent basis.

TELL ME, IS IT JUSTIFIABLE THAT A MARRIED SISTER WITHOUT HAVING PROBLEM WITH HER HUSBAND AND IN SPITE OF HAVING HER OWN HOME, LIVES IN HER BROTHER’S HOME?!

Plz tell me if that happens what should I do?

My sister-in-law used to criticize constantly that I walk very slowly, that  I wash the utensils very slowly and this and that but I never shared any bad word with her. A few days earlier, when my brother-in-law criticized the clothing of my husband and said that he dresses like a sweeper when all the family members were sitting there.  I said that one should be at least given the freedom to wear what he wants. But here, in this home, everyone criticizes about others.

My sister-in-law understood what I wanted to say and said to my husband that ask baji who else criticizes on the clothes. I abruptly said “ you”. She replied very loudly “when did I do that, you are lying”. Her mother quickly took all the situation in control by saying that she only gives you suggestions and you mind that? I replied that if one gives suggestion it’s one thing but if she insists it’s another thing. She said you spoil the environment of home. (This was the first time I spoke. I never said anything before but my mother-in-law gave a wrong statement). She said a lot of things to me but I didn’t respond.

The next day when I went to kitchen neither my mother in law didn’t speak to me nor my sister in law. When it became night, my husband and I were having dinner and she came and said too many bad words and I didn’t say anything. I just left the kitchen. My husband said that I should have done the best by not responding,  but I told him that at least he should interfere. That If I was not speaking at the very least he should protect me, but he says that he doesn’t want to cause any disturbance in home. This same thing happened for a week before but the home members don’t talk to me… and my husband talks to them as like in routine.

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? SHOULD HE TALK TO THEM NORMALLY OR SHOULD HE ALSO STOP TALKING TO THEM TO MAKE THEM REALIZE THAT IT WAS NOT THAT BIG AN ISSUE UPON WHICH THEY ARE ANGRY WITH HIS WIFE?

DON’T YOU AGREE THAT IF HE DOESN’T DO THAT, THEY WILL NOT BE AFFECTED AND WILL REMAIN LIKE THAT WHETHER IT TAKES A YEAR OR MORE. MY HUSBAND SHARES LAUGHTER WITH THEM AND HE IS VERY SERIOUS WHEN HE COMES TO OUR ROOM.

I AM VERY WORRIED, PLEASE HELP ME.


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14 Responses »

  1. Could you try ignoring their comments?

    Your inlaws are obviously trying to get a heated reaction out of you and by allowing yourself to feel bothered by their words, you are giving them what they want.

    If your sister in law comments on your clothes, the speed of your walking, dish washing, cooking etc - try to rise above it. I know its much easier for me to say, but if you reminded yourself that this woman has insecurity issues and she is looking for a fight, you will see that in fact she is the weaker one. The way you can take the control back from her is by not giving in to her digs and taunts. The second you show her that her words have bothered you, she feels victorious.

    Ignore the in laws. Take confidence in the fact that your husband is pleased with your efforts, your cooking, your dressing etc and be confident in yourself. When you are able to regain confidence in yourself, you will stop caring so much about trivial childish things your sis in law picks on. Eventually, as you give less reaction, she'll get bored and quit trying so hard to annoy you.

    Do the pleasantaries infront of the in laws, be sugar and spice and all things nice, smile, say 'yes yes', let things go through one ear and out the other. Quit worrying about the trouble makers and put your efforts into keeping strong with your husband.

    Since you are living in your parents in law house, it is their choice whether their daughter lives there or not, it is not up to you, is it? But I can imagine it must be suffocating. Is it not possible for you and your husband to move out?

    Try to take comfort from this hadith in which the beloved Messenger(saw) of Allah(swt) said:
    Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise.
    [Tirmidhi]

  2. mashaallah Sister Z..very well said...

    and for addition..the more the patience ,,the more the reward...

  3. Salaam Sister,

    I agree with Sister Z that patience is a virtue and something we should practice constantly but there is a difference between patience and being a doormat, and it is also important to assert yourself as an equal in your own home. Patience is a way of being in which we are patient in the way we speak, with the people we are speaking to, we are willing to wait for things and we do not go "urfgh!" and hate Allah every time something doesn't go our way in life and cry "why god why?!" when our tea goes cold. Accepting every bit of rubbish that comes toward you as a way of life is to accept helplessness. I think if someone is bullying you - applying the rule of patience has to be coupled with the rule of speaking up to a tyrant - and you must assert yourself for your own peace of mind and doing it in a patient and forgiving manner.

    At the moment, you have little choice as you are under someone else's roof, however when you and your husband move into your own home, that is your home, and you and your husband need to be in charge, otherwise a lot of resentment will build up between you and your husband and this will show itself later on in your marriage and you will start to lose respect for him and for yourself and that is no good. Bottling up your feelings is also not good as you will start to feel all manner of side effects - tension headaches, fatigue, and eventually depression.

    You need a goal and that goal is: to be considered an equal in your own home and to be able to make your own choices without fear of attack from anyone else and to be at peace with every member of your family.

    Stay focused on this goal, because you will achieve it if you maintain focus.

    When you move into the new home, you are at an advantage because it is new territory and you can mark out territories as you wish. Your sister-in-law cannot dominate you on your own turf, so I would recommend that you assert yourself from the very beginning and make it clear that this new home is your ground by making all of the decisions yourself and not giving in to pressure from another. It will be different at the new home, because humans are very territorial creatures and a lot of what you have described sound like territory battles. She will of course challenge you with all of her powers, but as long as you remain steady and stable, the people around you will begin to give in.

    The way to assert yourself is to remain calm and patient externally, and absolutely determined internally. Speak in a calm manner and do not back down. When the person who is challenging you loses their control and starts shouting or getting personal - point it out, ask them straight "why are you making this conversation about you? This is a conversation about tiles - its not about you". As more and more of these small fights emerge, if you stay on task and focused achieving your outcome without getting upset, then slowly, slowly you will assert your dominance in your own territory and inshaAllah she will accept that this is not her home, and she is not the boss here. The key factors are to maintain your temper and always speak in logic and don't panic when the other person gets upset - if you stick firmly to reason, for example: "is it really offensive that I want to choose the colours of my own walls?", you will push those around you to use reason instead of emotion and tantrums to get their own way, and show them clearly that there is no justification for tantrums and upset. Remind her constantly that she is loved and wanted , tell her "Sister, I really want to have peace with you and get on with you, but why do you demand that I have no say in my own life? That hurts me". At the moment you are having to explain why you want this or that - switch it around, and ask her "why is it so important to you that I wear this or that when my husband is happy with me?" - she will soon run out of reasonable answers. What you are doing here is pushing her to take responsibility for what she says and does and make sure that she has a good reason for them. Do not take anything she says personally, her words are toxic and your job is to perform a surgical process to clear up this infection like a doctor. That means every negative outcome is another symptom, and every action you take is another treatment and this is the attitude you must adopt to stay neutral and unaffected.

    As you are continuing in this way - maintain your highest levels of kindness and service to those around you by being helpful, kind, smiley and loving. This way, people will slowly understand that you are not seeking war, or dominance or leadership of them, you simply seek autonomy over your own decisions and simply asking for people to back up their demands with clear evidence and reason. Your husband sounds like a loving, caring man - and if he is wise, he will not get into the middle of a fight between three of the most important females in his life - but if you ask him to be reasonable and think reasonably about what is most just, fair and acceptable, inshaAllah he too will be able to see the nonsense in letting his younger sister rule his life, and instead of having to choose between mother, wife and sister - he can decide instead to choose reason over false claims and emotions.

    I pray you find success, patience and willpower to see it through to the end,

    Peace,
    L

  4. Leyla, you're spot on maashaAllah :O) x

  5. I think many Pakistani families are dysfunctional like this. You can try moving to a new place (just you and your husband). If your husband is also being unreasonable, you should definately leave him. I know patience is a virtue and everything....but life is too short.

    Especially in cultures like ours (ie. Pakistani, Indian etc) the first half of our lives' is dicated by our parents and the rest is spent on our husbands and children. So, if it doesn't work out...go be with someone who will make you happy.

  6. First of all I really admire ur patience of reading a long story of mine...Sister Z, Leyla and M thanks a lot for ur valuable suggestions...

    U know those days were really depressing in my life...My mother-in-law and sister-in-law didn't talk to me for the above mentioned trivial matter for 12 days.....I was also pregnant for three months....Then suddenly bleeding occured and I went to doctor...She said u have to do abortion...I was expecting first time....U can't imagine what was my feeling at that time...I wept a lot in front of doctor...and have to do all the procedures...At that time they were with me to take me to hospital and my mother-in-law stayed with me for a night there....Sister-in-law started to talk automatically...The doctor said that baby was not growing...But I think their attitude harm me a lot and made me depressed....May be this was also a factor in abortion...Well Allah knows better...

    I am worried that they are planning to shift with us in our new home which was said to be my home before marriage...U said that my sister-in-law is her daughter so it is their choice whether their daughter lives there or not, it is not up to me,...I agree with u but my dear its not upto me if she lives in my mother-in-law and father-in-law's home...But what will u suggest if my mother-in-law says "wherever I live, I will keep a room for her"........Is it justice that instead of living in her own home,which is nearby,she starts living in her brother's home?Her husband is a wealthy person...He bought a home for her in Pindi and also constructed a home near to ours..Her mother-in-law is living there.What u say now??

    Its a typical domestic matter but U people give good suggestions so I share with u....I don't mind that my mother-in-law shifts with me in new home..Because its good if u are having elders in ur home...but what u say when everything u do is criticized...Imagine that she has kept separate plates for washing chickens and meat..If u wash in others she will come quickly and say oh oh don't wash chicken in that. The stove will be dirty and if u dare to clean it, she will say u don't clean it, I will clean by myself..U don't know with which piece of cloth it should be cleaned..She has made everything difficult for her own life+my life...If u wash utensils, she comes and says u get up, I will wash by myself....If u knead flour, she comes and say u go to ur room and do ur work,, I will work by my own.....In each and every work she will not let u do anything...It's not because she cares u, it's her psychological problem that no one can do the work in that way as she does and secondly to show all the people around that my daughter-in-law is not working...I am working even in this age....She goes to my father-in-law and makes complaint that I work all the day and no one comes to share work...I work like a servant...Tell me what can I do in this situation....If I insist to work she starts saying I told u to go back why don't u listen to me...All the people in our neighbors say that her daughter-in-laws are very cruel...They should give comfort to her, but instead she works for them...What should I do with such a lady?
    If she shifts with me in our new home, she will repeat the same things...That's why I am worried...
    Plz pray for me and also suggest me what should I do in such condition....

    Waiting for ur reply

    • Assalam-o-alaikum dear sister,

      I have read your case and I am sailing in the same boat. You are infact very lucky that your husband is supportive and your sister in law is married. It is not the same with me. But, faith moves mountains then, what are these petty human beings who we are getting scared of?

      My in-laws have not spoken to me for the past 6 months even though I made a lot of effort. When I got aborted nobody except for my husband turned up to the hospital.

      There are certain duaas which will help you, which have been specified in Quran please do recite them.
      "ALLAHUMMA INNI AUZUBIKA MIN KULLI SAHIBATHITH THUZINI" - which means " Oh Allah! I seek your protection from such mother-in-law and sister-in-law who try to trouble and harass me". Inshallah you will not have any problems in the future.

      Recite quran shareef as much as you can cause it has rightly been said - "ALA BI ZIKRILLAHI TATHMA INNAL QULUB" which means Allah ke zikr se dilon ko ithmenaan hotha hain.

      Keep your calm and patience inshallah you will be rewarded. Do not worry about this life...just think about the life hereafter, because of patience you will be bestowed with so many things.

      I wish you the very best in life!!!!!! Do pray for me too...

      • Dear Sister,
        Thanks for sharing a Duaa ....If it was in arabic then it would have been better to recite...Can u give me its reference?... May Allah increase our patience and also keep such people on the path of hidayt...Aamin...

  7. Salaam my sister,

    Even though you do not own the new home, it is still your home and you have every right to (nicely) insist "no no, my sister, I look after you in this house and you look after me in the other house" and then take over the duties and insist that they rest and relax whilst you do everything. You can also appeal to your husband: "husband, I feel bad when your mother / sister does work in this house - please let them know that they dont have to do that here" - and things like this.

    You have this right in your home and you have the power of insistence - insist from day one and keep going and going until you get there. I do this in my own home - "no no, you sit down - let me do things, you are a guest and you deserve to be treated well, let me do the work" and slowly, slowly the message is clear - this is your kitchen, your roof, your home - and then when you go to visit, let them be in charge and follow their instructions.

    This is a big power struggle and I understand that your mother-in-law is a control freak - but again, new house, new layout, new rules. If she can't handle the way you do things in your new home - she is not allowed in the kitchen at all. You must be firm but not aggresive on this.

    InshaAllah, it will go well and you will get the freedom that you need to be rid of this power struggle.

    Peace,

    L

  8. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............I will try my best to do the same..

  9. ok salamualaikum and sorry for the messy situation you are in. my aunt once told me that 50 percent problem is in-laws and 50 percent husband. this is the life of a desi dauther in law. welcome to the club. were u raised in a western country? do you have family/freinds in pakistan? is your and your in-laws background rural or upper class? the situatuion would be worse if rural people are involved, because they are worse with their cursing and shrewdness.
    my best advice is to do whatever your can to get your own place wihout any of these people living around. do it for the sake of your mental and physical health. you are just newly married and have experienced how this can affect your physical health and mental health, and relationship with husband. imagine your whole life with these people. living with them, there is no relationship between you and hubby. they will plant all kinds of things in his head. can you live with and have intimate relations with someone like that your whole life? they sound like they even don't respect him, he would be better off in his own place.
    if your family is around and good to you go visit or have them visit or call you a few times. their good behavior might help them realize that they should also respect you. since you are in pakistan, you can get a job or study in a female only environment to stay away from them.
    i know how you feel when people tell you what to do, lie about you, and put you down like that. in my case it was my parents in law and my devraani together especially when my husband and hers were'nt around. they will put you down to the point that your husband will disrespect you and treat you worse. and that not helping in the house stuff, that's a common game or blame placed on a daughter in law. i know how that hurts. when you want to do something, and people don't let you, and later they say that you don't serve them or didn't do anything. clever huh? by the way, when you have kids, it will be worse. they will put your kids down, and bully and hit them. but everything can turn around and they just might start liking you.
    don't be innocent enough to believe your just argumenents or assessment of the situation will change them. they will NOT stop and say you are right. okay we will change now. good people feel bad and try to fix things. bad people will just put the argument back to you or divert the topic. they are making a tamasha out of you.

    by the way, islamically it is your right to have your own place. and anything that comes between a man and wife is haram and should be avoided. that includes in-laws.

  10. my dear, i will tell you one thing i have learned from experience in life. i once believed people are basically good. i thought if people say something mean they might feel bad about it later. but from my experience and my reading, i will tell you one thing. there are in fact two tyypes of people. good and evil. no human is perfect and everybody has faults, but the ones who are good incline towards goodness. the evil ones don't care. they will curse, bully, and do anything to anybody to get their way in life. they are extremly jealous as well. these people can become mothers, fathers, siblings, spouses, in-laws, or anybody. the relation will not change them. there are people who take advantage of naivness and goodness. you will become like them in their environment.
    i have been through things and i would read these advice from scholars about being pateint and nice, and of course i was because my taqwa was high. but these scholare unfortunately are not phd in psychology or human behavior. our scholars need to adress this issue of dysfunctional desi families that has been ongoing generation after generation. yes i know we have to be forgiving and kind, this is part of our deen. but what about the husbands? has any scholar told the husbands to have respect for your wife? how to handle these situations? as for your husband, i know it hurts when it seems like he has no respect for yoou. maybe he is scared of them. he has to learn that what they might be doing is emotional manipulation to keep you and him in their control. all this yelling, accusing, everything is emotional games. he has to stand up for you and himself, or you are going to get run over again and again. there are men who stand up. i know of someone who complained that her brother favors his wife and buys her the same things he buys them, and if they say anything about her cooking then he says no your cooking is very good come and eat with me. this is a man! they still make a tamasha with her and put her down, but atleast she knows she has respect from him. my husband can't stand anything bad about my devraani so no one dares say anything to her. he has even exaggerated about her to make them like her, so isn't she lucky. so it is up to the husband. it is hard for men to believe the stuff their family does, and even harder to understand the level at which things really are. you can go and say your mom accused me of saying, "this is my house, not hers". and your husband might say, "no you misunderstood, there's no such thing". then the rumor flies around the whole family. you could say, "your brothers wife called me a witch", and he could say, "well atleast she said what was in her mind! you keep thinking bad things about her and my mother but don't say anything.". all i wanted was to share with him and help his family understand me better. but men sometimes will call their wives a liar, or start a fight with their families only to come back and accuse the wife as a liar again. we want men to believe us, to love us, and to help their families understand our positive intentions better.

  11. since your problem is mostly house chore related, i suggest that you divide the areas of the house, for example, you are responsible for maintaining your room and one lounge or room or watever, and ur mother in law the other, divide the chores of house maintenance.
    Also you are responsible for arranging your own food, your mother in law is responsible for arranging her food and your father in laws
    if they make an issue about that, put your foot downa nd say you are in no position to cook for the entire family, she should cook for herslef and you for your family.
    also, start ignoring her and what she says. pretend she doesnt exist. once or twice do things she dissaproves off, and dont stop even if she says anything. you dont have to do all the work. you just have to do your work.

  12. Assalamu Aleikum,

    I have to say that I agree with Anonymous, partly. Being patient, showing the good side to bad people etc

    is part of Islam. But what about the psychological state, the long-term consequences of bullying and

    jealousy within the family? My mother in law doesn't approve of me as well and I had to listen to awful criticism

    of her many many times and ignored it. I didn't break off family ties with her when she told me my make-up

    is bad, and many other hurtful things. But there are limits and my limit was black magic I witnessed myself.

    Of course she would never admit it and has plenty of excuses for that incident and for what I saw. When

    people can play pranks on others, try to destroy their life and even destroy relationships then they

    have a serious problem. I often had a very low confidence and thought whenever someone hurts me and

    it affects me, then it is my fault, not of the person who insulted me. But in real life, there are good and

    bad people and the number of the bad ones is very high, unfortunately. Somebody who is good can

    never harm others, someone who is bad will try to cause the greatest damage and will be happy and

    that's jealousy. You have to move out with your husband and have a home of your own. In Islam, women

    aren't supposed to live with their in-laws, that is a Hindu tradition from the Indo-Pakistani continent which

    still influences Muslims. You don't have to stay in that situation, and your husband has to grow up and not

    behave like a coward.

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