Islamic marriage advice and family advice

By ending their love, he broke her completely; Is that not more sinful?


Take my Salam. I have a question regarding pre-marriage affair issue.

I have one muslim female friend who was in a relationship with a muslim guy. Both of them used to pray 5 times namaz, highly maintain halal & haram. Except their relationship, they don't do anything wrong. They also believe that this pre-marriage relation is not allowed as well as fair.

That girl loves that boy & the main thing is she trusts him blindly. Though they are always afraid about this relationship issue and islamic rules which conflict on their mind. That girl prays to Allah for pardon her for being in a affair and wants the blessing of Allah so that she can marry that boy.

That boy loves her from the very beginning. He promised her to be together forever. Even they kiss each other but then they asked touba for that. After 6 months relationship that boy went abroad. Then he realized he had done great sin by being in a pre-marriage affair. So for solving/ recovering that sin he left that girl. He breaks that love and relationship.

That girl could not believe herself that he can leave her, she got trauma. Now she does not talk with anyone, even she does not get anything what's going around her.

Now my question: is that right what that boy have done? for purifying from sin what he did, is that not more sinful?


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21 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    yes what the boy did, was a good thing. In a way he is helping her from sin. when 2 people are in a relationship its hard to take the initiative and break up. you say, for purifying from sin what he did, is that not more sinful? if dating is haram in Islam how could, doing the right thing be more sinful? if he continued to date, then both of them will be more sinful.

    ma salama

  2. Sister,

    The situation of your friend happens all too often among young people hence relationships prior to marriage are never a good thing. Premarital relationships are haram for a reason. Nothing good can come of them and your friend is a good example of that. This boy has done the right thing in separating himself from your friend and even though she may not agree, it really is in her best interest as well. If this boy truly cares and loves your friend, there is nothing stopping him from coming to ask for her hand in marriage in the future. May they both seek forgiveness for their transgressions and may your friend come to understand that what has transpired is truly the best thing this boy could have done for her.






  4. Salaam.In my opinion, what the boy did was indeed more sinful.No doubt, pre marital relationships are haraam, but if he had realized it, he should have worked towards making it halal by involving his parents and getting married to the girl, thus giving his love due respect by making her his wife.If he did not do so, it shows he lacked backbone and did not love or respect the girl.May Allah give your friend the courage to move on and never look back, and the wisdom to learn from her folly and may she get a better and stronger person as a husband, than that boy.

    • I totally agree with Mystic.

      indeed misleading others is a grave sin.

      Prophet Mohammed was a truthful and trust worthy man even before prophethood was announced. so if a muslim really wants to follow footsteps of prophet they must be truthful (i.e not fool others by saying they love them) and trustworthy (i.e not break trust when trusted upon)

      I feel sick and tired when people say WOW what a good thing a guy has done by lying and breaking trust when trusted upon !

      anaita .... the truth is that this guy has fooled your friend... now he has gone to other pasture .... and the safest way to get rid of your friend was to say he fears Allah and made your friend feel how pious he has become and the only way to keep himself sinfree was to get rid of the her...... this is all rubbish. a spineless man does that! not a pious one!

      a pious man would have asked for your friends hand in marriage and live like a proud muslim who when entrusted upon does not betray or decieve......

      shame on him! he is total disgrace!

      • I fear that people in these times have forgotten the teachings of our Prophet SAW and act towards their feelings. Sister he did not mislead her Shaitan mislead them both and Allah SW has guided him to the straight path Alhamdulillah...

        And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a man commits zina, faith comes out of him and hovers over him like a cloud, then when he stops, faith returns to him.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (4960) and al-Tirmidhi (2625); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

        As we can see the boy stopped due to a trip and faith returned to him realizing of the horrible thing which he was engaging in.

        Brothers ans Siters I dont get this work from Haram to Halal... Allah SW cannot be played with when you repent from Zina you make intention you stop doing it and move forward. If the he is in the position of marrying her, which a doubt because he is a "boy", than he can. But if cannot than it is better for them to be apart and one brother to be guided than two to be astray.

        “The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulteress — fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress –fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer — fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer — fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)”

        If they had both repented to Allaah before getting married, and they regretted the haraam things that they had done, then their marriage is valid. But if they did the marriage contract before they repented, then the marriage is not valid and they have to repent to Allaah and regret what they have done, and resolve not to do such a thing again, then they should make a new marriage contract.

        • Salaam brother.I respect your right to your opinion, but I would disagree with a couple of things.Firstly, where does it say in the post that they commited zina?I totally agree that their relationship was haraam and Allah has said not to even come close to zina, in the Quran, therefore if they corresponded privately and kissed, it was definitely a trangression and a breach of all proper Islamic etiquette for which they must both repent sincerely, and never return to.However, in my understanding, (feel free to correct me if I am wrong), the reference you have quoted is applicable only to the actual act of fornication, therefore calling the concerned couple an adulterer and adulteress, or fornicators, based solely on the information given by the OP would be a gross exaggeration, (Allah only knows the truth).Please do not mistake me, I am not condoning any such haraam activity, or trying to undermine the seriousness of its repurcussions, just trying to put the matter in its proper perspective.I am also aware of the Hadith saying that the zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the hands is touching, (I apologize for not recalling the exact words of the hadith) and I totally get the thought process behind it as well, our Prophet (PBUH) wanted to suppress any factor that would lead to zina, and rightfully so.But I think calling anyone a 'fornicator or adulterer' is a very, very, very extreme thing, these are not words to be thrown about lightly, and that if we were to take the above hadith so literally, hardly anyone in the world today would NOT be an adulterer or fornicator, in one way or the other, through media etc.Having said that, there is no doubt that such activity is wrong and leads to evil, and I would urge our youth to stick to proper Islamic guidelines when corresponding with the opposite gender.

          @joehuarniz and Sr Amy :Please do not take this amiss, I'd like to share my opinion with both of you, as I am inferring that the OP belongs to a South Asian Muslim society and both of you are Western brought up Muslims, and the way boy-girl relationships work in the two cultures are quite different.I have been working as a psychotherapist for quite some time, and the general trend about pre marital relationships here that I have seen ( there could be exceptions, of course) is that girls are pretty much induced into a relationship, by the name of marriage.As in, the guy acts in such a way that he makes her feel secure, makes extremely convincing promises that he would marry her..and girls here aren't very smart in this matter, they're just not.They fall for the act, and and enter a relationship, thinking oh this is going to be my husband, he loves me so much.If they are lucky and if the guy is sincere, they do end up getting married.The rest who are not so lucky, end up like the friend of the OP.In contrast, I think pre marital relationships in the West are generally more straight forward, as in there is no promise of marriage from the start, the approach is, 'if things work well between us, we'l think about marriage.'In both cases it is Islamically equally haraam and Sr Amy I do agree that it is the right of either one of the party to end the relationship and in the end the other party has to accept it and move on.And there is nothing in the OP's post to indicate which case her friend belongs to.But if a guy starts a relationship with a lie, inorder to ensnare a girl (and vice versa as well), should he/she not be honour bound to keep his word?I do think in such a case he/she should try his level best to fulfill his/her word and it would be a very great sin indeed to crush someone's heart like that, some one who was willing to give up the world,society,and the principles fed into him her for a lifetime for that person.Seriously, half of the people I see during my job are suffering from such scenarios, and its made me have pretty strong opinions about it all.Looking forward to seeing your feedback, and please don't take anything I said amiss.

    • salaam alaikum

      I strongly agree what mystic said. he used her and left her in no where... If he love her he would marry her.

      may allah help her to repent and give her a good husband who loves her

  5. بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

    الحمد لله رب العالمين

    Girl: I love you forever! All I need is your forever: Beau, Boy.

    The Law is unchanging. The Law of The Equality of Life in The Taking.

    The prescribed purification is known in Islam. It is not a punishment it is purification for abdicating The Law of Life The Law of Allah. Unchanging. Before Him.

    Any other recommendations are the vain desires of Christianity. Jewish deceptions. Let me tell you where Christians sects of Jews and Jews go...they fall head first into the fiery pit right after all the stars suns and moons in the cosmos are pitched (thrown into the fire). Following the thirsty mirage of their desires. And they never stop falling. Thats what Saqar the third level of hell is about for blaspheming God Allah saying God is three. The Great Lie. And the sixth level hell known as Al-Hutamah for backbiting God Allah saying God has a son. Yet does Allah give provision in this world to his enemies.

    The girl has lost her world. Shadowed was the recitation of the line of the Quraan Stating in NO WISE IS THE MALE LIKE THE FEMALE. Said upon the birth of Maryamn AMNA The Trust.

    A woman with her first love loves the man after that with many lovers only love itself. Said by Lord Byron.

    The woman has been stripped stripped of love. So striping is the out to feel anything -to feel a tremor again the pulse of life. The Law of The Equality of Life in The Taking demands that a woman cannot be purified without a man too being purified. Both must submit to Islam. So even were the woman to ask for the hadd her boyfriend too must submit. Submit to Islam. Marriage in the world can only be to an adulterous a polytheist an unbeliever or a prostitute.

    The girl lost for her family will abandon her because that is the reality of the law of one one supreme.

    The blame goes squarely on those promoting a civilization alien to life alien to love. Only in the bounds of Islam is there love. The Law is made to protect life physically spiritually morally. So think about it every time you Muslims entertain yourselves with T.V. and comedy.

    Recite: Sit not with those who mock the signs of Allah lest you be like them--Quran: The Women. Cast out. Maryamn was raised above the women of all the worlds. Because only she kept the law. Men are raised a degree above women by their protection of the woman. This woman's family boyfriend society time failed her. The only clean are Mujahideen fighting so that the western wall cannot bar the law of life. What Congress Senate President unveils are parameters to the law. But the law itself was made hateful in the eyes of men. And persian romances -novels- and music made delightful. The ASH Shari$ah.

    Think about this young woman facing suicide the annihilation of her soul.

    When you watch T.V. and laugh. From the cast outs from Allah an acting caste.

    In all castes is the untouchable. و الحمد لله رب العاليمن


    The Story of Barsisa:
    There were three brothers from Bani Israel who were called upon to go on Jihad. These three brothers had a sister who did not have any one else to be taken care other that by them. They did not know under whose care could they leave the young woman. Then they thought that the most reasonable place to leave her was with the Abid (worshipper) because he was the most trusted man in town. Barsisa, the Abid was a man who used to be in a monastery devoted to worship of ALLAH.

    So they went to him and said, ” We are being enlisted to go on Jihad and we want to leave our sister with you. We trust no one in town but you.”

    Barsisa replied “Audhu billah, get away from me.” This was an Abid who was not married and he did not want to deal with these problems.

    The brothers said, “We have no where else to leave our sister but with you. We don’t trust anyone else.”

    So Shaytan came to Barsisa and said, “If u don’t accept, she might be left with somebody who might not be trustworthy.You have to step-up and take this responsibility.”

    So Barsisa told the brothers, “Leave her in the empty house.” (which was seperate from the monastery where he was staying). The brothers then left her there and went on Jihad.

    After that, Barsisa the Abid used to leave food at his doorstep and the young woman had to come out of her house and walk all the way to take the food from his doorstep. Barsisa never used to leave from his monastery. Barsisa had never met her and they were not seeing each other. Days passed by like this.

    One day, Shaytan came to Barsisa and said, “Somebody might see her when she is walking out. So rather than have her leave from her house. You need to carry it and leave at her doorstep.” So he started leaving the food at her doorstep. This happened for many days.

    Again one day, Shaytan came to Barsisa and said, “You can’t just leave the food at her doorstep. Somebody might see her when she opens the door and she is very beautiful. You would have to take the food and leave it inside her room.” So Barsisa would go and knock on the door. She would open and he would walk inside and leave the food there. That continued for a while.

    Then again one day Shaytan said, “You can’t leave this poor woman alone without giving her any company. Nobody is speaking to her. So she may be feeling very lonely and that might lead to haram. So why don’t you go and talk to her from behind the door.” Barsisa liked the idea and so for a while he would sit outside and just talk to her for HOURS. Slowly and slowly the relationship was building up and Shaytan was finding it easier to drag him to the next step.

    Shaytan then came and said, “You can’t just sit there talking to her, people might see you. You need to go inside, just sit in another room without looking at her and talk to her.” So for sometime that is what he did. Slowly she started getting closer to him and everytime they got more and more close to the extent that eventually he comitted zina (fornication) with her.

    So the Abid, the worshipper who devoted his life to service in the monastery comitted zina. Because of that, she became pregnant and delivered a boy.

    Then Shaytan came to Barsisa and said,”Now when the brothers come back and find out that their sister has a child you are going to be in big trouble. The only way for you to put an end to this issue is to kill the baby.” Barsisa followed the advice of Shaytan and killed the child.

    But it didn’t end there. Shaytan came to him and said, “Do you think that this woman will keep the secret after you kill her own child? The only way out is to kill her.” So Barsisa killed her and burried both mother and child in a certain location inside the house.

    Later the brothers came back and inquired about their sister. Barsisa gave some reason and said, “She had passed away and this is where she is burried.” Saying that he pointed to a false grave.

    Then Shaytan went to the brothers and made them see a dream. In that dream they were told that Barsisa killed their sister and the proof was that she was burried in a different location (i.e. under the rock inside the house).

    When the brothers woke up they started talking to each other and found out that they all had seen the same dream. They thought that there must be some truth in it. So they went and uncovered the grave which Barsisa had pointed to and found it empty. Then they went inside the house and found the rock as mentioned in the dream. On digging underneath the rock they found their sister’s dead body along with that of the child.

    So they went to Barsisa and forced him to disclose the secret of what happened. He went ahead and told them the whole story. The three brothers took Barsisa to the king’s court and he was given punishment of execution.

    While Barsisa was being dragged to his execution spot, Shaytan came to him and said, “Listen Barsisa I am Shaytan and it was me who was in communication with you since this whole thing started and not your inner thoughts. Now I can get u out of this trouble if you want. I am the one who put you in this trouble in the first place and I can get u out of it.”

    Barsisa asked, “What should I do?”

    Shaytan said, “Do sujood to me and I will save you.”

    Barsisa did sujood to Shaytan (i.e. committed shirk) and as soon as he did so, Shaytan ran away and Barsisa was executed.

    (Taken from Imam Anwar Al-Awlaki’s lecture set “Hereafter”) Yo guys, we need to be more careful with our gender interactions, insha’Allah.

    • Salaam.Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to mock you, I really liked the story and I completely understand the point you were trying to make with it.But the first thing that came to my head after reading it was, why couldn't Barsisa just have married the girl, instead of killing her and the child, and saved himself a load of trouble?I mean, I get that Shaytaan was feeding him but whatever happened to good ol' common sense?

      • Perhaps because even by marrying her he would be acknowledging that he committed a sin with her, and would thus be shamed in the community. He hoped to cover up his sin, and Shaytan offered him a way to do that, by committing an even greater sin.

        Wael Editor

      • Why couldn't Barsisa just have married the girl, instead of killing her and the child? Good question, Barsisa was apparently a un-married monk, a worshipper of Allah,who was living lonely in a monastery. Shaitan who hates marriage, would never have allowed him to think about marrying the girl and finally made lust overtake him to commit fornication & then murders to hide his shame. This is what normally happens with most of us, when Shaitan whispers & lust controls us, the mind stops thinking logically and we indulge in sins which we never thought we were capable of doing before.

        "And do not go near zina. It is indeed a shameful and an evil path." (Surah Al Isrâ', Ayah 32).

        Allah says don't even go near fornication/adultery, az-zina. Don't even go near it. He doesn't say "laa taazinu", "don't do adultery" or "don't commit adultery". He says don't go near it. In other words, there is the act itself, and then there is a series of smaller acts that lead to it. It's got a parameter around it, and you can't even go close to it.

        You know, one of the things we learn about Shaitan, that is remarkable to me, is that he is extremely patient. He won't get you [in] one shot. He will come at you and he will put a little bit and a little bit and a little bit and a little bit, until he destroys your character. He won't come and make you do the wrong thing right away.

  7. Salaam!

    I think the best solution for this is to get married. I don't know why our society puts too much barrier in the path of marriage. In my opinion boy did wrong thing. Because there is too much importance of PROMISE in islam. One of hadith I remember is once prophet Mohammad said " Those who dont fulfill his promise is not from us". This shows how important is to maintain the promise is. So, best solution in this case was just to do nikkah with the girl, involve parents in this matter & continue with halal relation & do tauba for past. May ALLAH bless us all..Ameen!

    • Agree completely they were both single and isn't it recommended to marry the one you love! Too much barriers in marriage- is shaytaan causing those? Putting the doubts rejections into the minds of parents even? is it why zina continues among single eligible young people? Or promises are broken - first step should be towards nikah surely?

      • Yes if you like someone or love someone you should send proposal to her. Blaming shaytan for everything is not a good thing.ALLAH has given us mind to think & heart to feel, we should analyze our action, whether it will impact in a positve way or negative way. First shaytan made them fall in so called love,then they get physical with each other & then suddenly boy realized what he is doing is wrong so he quit the with the relation.which clearly shows boy was not serious or he just wanted to ran away from responsibilities. atleast he should try once to do nikkah with girl....

        Zina is very comman now a days because couples are falling in love quikly. if you sincerly like someone, you should send proposal not to get into shaytan's trap...May ALLAH guide us all..

  8. Assalam alaikum,

    The simple answer to your question is yes, the boy was right to stop talking to the girl.

    However, his next step should have been to make arrangements to marry her - reading about this over and over again makes me very grief-stricken about our Ummah. It seems as though marriage has become so utterly difficult for some people because they want to please their parents (superficially), or finish their education, or have a house first--all these "firsts" seem to have importance over a halal relationship: marriage--meanwhile the ones who engage in pre-marital relationships have all the time in the world for their gf or bf--but don't think that they are ready for or wouldn't have time for marriage. Ironic. In all honesty, marriage is the only solution because it is the only path in which a person wouldn't be dealing with Allah swt's wrath.

  9. Salaams,

    There's a lot of responses on what should've been done, what should've happened. None of that is relevant now- the boy broke up with the girl and that's where things stand. That is what has to be accepted by all.

    And this is where the girl has to accept it as part of life, because breakups DO happen. They happen in haraam relationships, but they also happen in halal engagements. Even marriages (good ones, bad ones, and all inbetween) end in divorce about half the time.

    The truth is, being in a relationship before marriage doesn't obligate either party to continue it into marriage. To leave a relationship for any reason is either party's prerogative. If he wanted to break up with her because he felt guilty, or because he stopped caring for her, or because he never wanted to marry her to begin with, or because he found someone he liked better (the list could go on and on) doesn't really matter, it was his right and his free choice to do so.

    She also could've broken up with him at any point, for any reason. That's her right.

    I don't see the point in hashing out or casting judgment on people for exercising their freedom. They freely chose to sin, so they are free to handle that sin and accept the consequences of it. To me, being heartbroken is a natual consequence of taking the risks of indulging in a haraam relationship. If you are brave enough to play, you have to be brave enough to pay in the end as well.

    The good news is, the heart heals after being broken. No matter how much it hurts now, it can and will get better with time. This isn't the end of the world; not by a long shot. The best thing the girl can do is stop analyzing which sins are greater and focus on her future, her repentence, her lessons learned. That is ultimately what will bring her peace.

    -Amy Editor

    • I was going to comment exactly the same as Amy..

    • Assalam alaikum Sr. Amy,

      I agree with what you are saying.

      I think the responses were judgemental in nature because the question by the OP was: Is that right what the boy did? rather than "What should the girl now do?" It seemed to me that the OP was more interested in knowing how sinful it was for the boy to leave the girl as opposed to what the girl should now do--undoubtedly, yes, the girl does have to accept the consequences and move on.

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