Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can a divorced woman marry without her parents knowing?

Keeping secretsAssalamua'laikum Wr. Wb.

I need help please. I am in love with a man. We have been friends for 10years. We live in 2 different countries and have kept in touch via emails and calls. We are both Muslim alhamdulilah and have the same background. We even have the same status. What I mean is we are both divorcees. The difference is he has a child from his previous marriage, whereas I dont.

I have told my parents of my joyous news that alhamdulilah I have found a good Muslim man who wants to marry me but my father isnt happy about it. He has vowed that he will never approve of us marrying because there is a child involved. I believes that the marriage won't work because "it is too messy".

We have tried many many times to explain, clarify and further discussed with my father but he isnt willing to listen. I even reminded my father that I have been informed by doctors that I can't have children so for me, his child is a blessing. But still no change in my father. I wont give up. I have no intentions of giving up because I know this man is wonderful. He is able to support me and guide me in the religion. I believe deep down that he is the right man for me. We have both prayed and prayed. People around me have seen the positive change in me.

So my question is, can I marry him without my parents knowing? The reason I ask is, I intend to visit the country where he lives to meet his family and also visit mine. I also intend to see alot of him. We want to avoid zena, fitnah and any other sin so we would like to do nikah. But as you know, my father doesnt permit our marriage. When you answer my question, please bear in mind that I am a divorcee. The reason I say that is I have heard that conditions of marriage are different for a divorcee. I have searched online for answer but found nothing that I think suits my situation.

Please helps me...I want to be Islamically correct


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23 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Aleikum,

    As a divorcee, you don't have to seek your father's permission for marriage. It is absolutely not required.

    You can get married without their permission , the permission only applies to unmarried women.

    However, it is better to preserve good family ties and therefore inform them. Maybe, after a while,

    they get used to the thought that their daughter got married and they will change their minds. As

    an adult women , I wouldn't worry too much, unless you are financially dependent on them, but

    that doesn't seem to be the case.

    may God bless your marriage

    • Amer, the divorced women may represent herself in seeking marriage; however, she still needs a wali present at the time of the nikah. And Allah knows best. You can see more details on this issue here:

      Who needs a wali for marriage?

      Wael Editor

      • Assalaamu Alaykum,

        The link provided does not work. Is there any Daleel (proof) that can be provided about the divorced woman being able to represent herself when seeking a spouse?

  2. Dear Sister,

    If you are adamant on marrying this man, alhumdulillah and every child is a blessing, not a burden, not baggage and certain not messy.

    Although try to break things down abit. Look at this from your father's point of view. He probably only has concerns for you. He maybe thinking: Will the child accept you? Will your husband treat you fairly according to your positions as wife to him and step mum to his daughter? Will he understand that the bonding process between you and his child may bring with it challenges and possibly trials, how will he manage? In these circumstances, will he be good to you? From what you have said, it doesnt seem that your parents have met this man. Hence they will be concerned about who on earth (literally) you are marrying. Maybe he should come with his child to meet your family?

    Although, as far as my understanding goes, a divorcee does not need permission from her father to get married. But as Jannah said, maintaining family ties is of utmost importance in Islam and the most important with your parents. So I do not think it is at all morally correct to marry in secret, instead do your best to convince your parents.

    Try everyway possible: make as much dua as possible as Allah is The Controller of our hearts and can make things our hearts and feelings change in seconds. Get your prospective to meet your parents, bring up any fears they may have, try to allieviate their worries, get family members to help convince them, speak to a qualified Imaam, ask him to speak to your parents.

    If after trying everything, they still do not agree; I would still not ever encourage you to marry in secret. Let them know you have now decided to get married as you need to move on with your life and tell them that you really want them to witness your nikah and that you will be very sad if they are not there. You will have to face them afterwards right? So the better and more morally correct thing is to do it before the nikah.

    I believe that will be more pleasing to Allah that a marriage in secret. And Allah Knows Best.
    (Also, seek advice from a qualified Imam, as they maybe able to give you some better advice)

    SisterZ Editor

  3. when they will discover that you got married behind their back, they will never forget it and maybe never forgive u and also they might hate him more, im sure they dont hate him but he just worried about u as sisterz mentionned. You ll regret it if you do anything behind their back and it will be heavy burden, one day ull have to live with him, so how you will tell truth to your family.

    also his family would find out u did that, they will not admire you, they will think u are good in having secrets or lies. be careful. when we hurt parents, it comes back to us

  4. She actually doesn't have to do it behind their backs. She can, however, get married and inform

    them calmly about it. She's an adult, divorced and knows what she's doing. Her family will have

    to accept it, although I'm not familiar with extended families.........

    I think whatever happens, a family can never hate or reject the own child. Allah s.v.t. has placed a muhaba

    between the child and the parents that is unique. She doesn't have to hide it as a divorcee. But that seems

    to be an extended family issue I'm not familiar with.

  5. Sister,

    From reading these three hadith below, my understanding is that as you are divorced, you have more of a right to select your own spouse, you do not require your wali's permission, although your wali must be present at the time of the nikah and you must also annouce the marriage. Marriages are not done to be kept secret.
    *** Please read the three hadiths and then consult with an Imaam before you take any actions inshAllah as they will know the context of each hadith and will be able to advise you best.

    May Allah forgive me if I have given you any wrong advice in my previous post.

    SisterZ Editor

    1) Both the bride and groom should be pleased with one another, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No previously-married woman (widow or divorcee) may be married until she has been asked about her wishes (i.e., she should state clearly her wishes), and no virgin should be married until her permission has been asked (i.e., until she has agreed either in words or by remaining silent).” They asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given (because she will feel very shy)?” He said: “By her silence.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4741)

    2) The one who does the contract on the woman’s behalf should be her walee, as Allaah addressed the walees with regard to marriage (interpretation of the meaning): “And marry those among you who are single…” [al-Noor 24:32] and because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who marries without the permission of her walee, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1021 and others; it is a saheeh hadeeth)

    3) It is also important that the marriage be announced, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Announce marriages.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad; classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1027)

  6. Asalam alaykum,
    i want to further ask for the duration a woman would be to be qualified as a divorced woman in a situation where there exist discordance and eventually separation occurs bet the spouses

    • Musbau, If what you are asking is whether a lengthy separation automatically causes the couple to be divorced, the answer is no. There must be either a legal Talaq or Khul'ah for the couple to be divorced, regardless of the length of separation.

      Wael Editor

  7. As salaamu alaikum I have a question, I married a sister Alhamduillah and her father didn't agree or no but we ha a brother fill in as the walkil and a imaam marry us off, my question is , is the nikah valid? Her father never gave a reason why and I've been trying to marry this sister for almost a year

  8. Salaam alaikum brotbers and sister!
    I just wanted to ask mu muslim brother's and sisters. I got divorced 3 months back and im almost finished wigh my idddat time. There'sthis guy who I know for a vwry long time. He is showing his interest in marrying. He wantd to marry me right after my b iddat time is over. But the problem is he is trying to talk to my parents but my parents dont want to talk to him at all. He tried every way possible to talk to my parent but no luck. So please, my question is can I marry him without my parents permission. Can u please tell me thw rights of a divorced woman in islam. Since I got divorced my brother havent been talking to me at all. My father even told me that I should go and thank ky brothers for letting me stay in house. I have a child. But ive been aready told by my fam that they r not happy with me being there at their house. So please can you guyz guide me what I should do
    Thank you!

    • alia, it's not appropriate for you to discuss marriage with any man before your 'iddah is complete. After your 'iddah is complete, let this man come to your parents' home with his parents and make a formal proposal. Perhaps your parents will reconsider. If they still refuse, then, since you are a divorced woman, you can request the Imam to act as your wali and marry him anyway. Although I have to wonder whether your involvement with this man contributed to your divorce. If so, then I question his character and your behavior in this matter.

      If you need more advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post.

      Wael Editor

      • Dear wael
        As you said these steps are for the girl , who is going to get marry for the first time but not for divorced women.

  9. I need some advice. I am a divorcee. My husband had very bad habits and would not change so. My parents got me married without properly checking the boy n his fly. I suffered a lot and kept requesting my parents to do something but they kept thinking I am wrong as my husband was n is extremely good at manipulation.

    Now my Iddah period is over and I want to start a fresh life. i want to move to another city as living here I am faced with a lot of criticism n am feeling extremely depressed. My parents don't understand my situation. We have always had a communication gap- one that is impossible to bridge. I have tried over the years but they always take me the wrong way. Also if I listen to them - do as they say and things something goes wrong, they my parents go around telling people and blaming saying it was her choice or she did it out of stubbornness and that she doesn't listen to us. I am extremely depressed for the lack of support and understanding from my parents since I was a teen. I am now 30-divorced twice, and still my parents still won't let me choose my life. I am expected to be dependent and they say I'm not strong enough or wise enough to take a good decision. How can I learn or live if they won't let me. On the other hand- they insist that I have always done what I wanted to - if that was the case- today I'd be a doctor not a divorce..My father refused to send me to study further as it was co-education thus leading to a series of bad and life altering changes in my life.

    I want to move- they aren't supporting me. I have done isteqara many times,but not sure whats happening. Do I have to listen to them and not live my life or can I move out after informing them but without their happiness and blessing? Please help. I am v v depressed...

    • heena, do what you think is right for your own life. Your parents will accept it in time, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

    • You've allowed your parents to make decisions for you. Now it's time to make your own decisions about life, your old enough and it seems wise enough to decide what's right for you. I think Inshaallah when your parents realise that your doing well and are happy they will support you too.

  10. Assalam-O-Alaikum...

    [Editor's Comment: Please submit your question as a new post for publication. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  11. I was a divorcee and i got married to a guy( who was also divorced earlier)
    with the presence of a kazi one of my friend (female) and another male( who was present in the kazi office and became a witness).
    Only my younger sister knew the day i was going to get married.
    I announced to my friends later about my marriage.
    Is my marriage valid according to islam?

  12. Dear Sr,

    The condition of guardianship (wilayah) for marriage is a contested matter among jurists. The Maliki school contains two opinions wherein one stipulates that guardianship is a condition of the validity of marriage and one states that it is only recommended. The Shafii school holds the opinion of the obligation of guardianship. In the Hanafi school and with some other prominent scholars such as Al-Zuhri if a women marries someone of equal status that she can marry without the permission of her guardian. The issue of divorced women is raised by the Dhahiri school on the basis of an authentic narration in Sahih Muslim whereby Ibn Abbas (ra) reported Allah's Messenger ﷺ as saying: A deflowered woman has more right to her person than her guardian. And a virgin should also be consulted, and her silence implies her consent.” It is on the basis of this hadith that they conclude that guardianship is not required for non-virgin women as a condition for marriage. Also Quran 2:232 - "And when you have divorced women and they have ended-- their term (of waiting), then do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree among themselves in a lawful manner" clearly forbids putting impediments for divorced women in marrying giving additional support for the Dhahiri position. In addition the Hadiths which are explicitly requiring a wali are disputed in their authenticity and in the case of Aishah (RA) it is reported she acted in contradiction to the hadith reported on her behalf and presided over the marriage of a woman without her wali being present.
    Finally in your specific case it appears your father has a dispute with you over the suitability of your potential spouse. In my opinion your father should guide you and advise you but also should not impede your decision if your mind is set on it given your mature status. If you are convinced that you require a guardian based on the Islamic evidences than in an ideal situation you could petition an Islamic court to marry and they could act as an impartial third party. Absent such a recourse you will have to use your own judgment. If you agree that evidence supports your being able to marry without a guardian you still have the difficult position of living with the potential conflict such a marriage may cause in your family. If marrying reduces the risk of other potential harm (Zina, harmful depression, etc...) than it may still be worth the risk of conflict.

    Your brother in Islam

    • Dear brother kindly tell us the number of that Hadith you mentioned from sahih Muslim for further verification of the authenticity of this Hadith as I can't find it in Muslim thanks

  13. clear case. the father is canceled as wali.
    unislamic reasoning of wali leads to the replacement of the wali.
    and this father is very unislamic and truly stupid (i use this word seriously).
    a spouse having a child is islamically viewed zero problem.
    btw: its sooo difficult to marry good one for some divorcees... how retarded the father to obstruct it and then even for such an unislamic reason.

  14. Assalam o alaikkum
    I have a query last year i got married i am a divorcee but my husband asked not to mention in nikkah paper that u r divorcee coz of his parents. My question is that wrong info on nikkah paper is right or wrong? And the nikkah is acceptable or not

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