Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can this friendship become a marriage?

Boy and girl are friends.

Male-female friendship?

I'm a law student from an orthodox family: my dad, mom, me and my little sister. I studied in an islamic school and now I'm doing my graduation. I didn't have many male friends until now. I always try to keep a check on this matter, too. I have always dreamt of being a trustworthy wife and an amazing daughter, I really wish I could be pure mentally as well as physically. Even I had proposals too...but I always tried to be in my limits.

Because of this fear that I should restrain from sins, I could not maintain my male friends, though I had healthy friendships with a few of them. However I was sad, as I did not make an effort to maintain a friendship with a boy who knew Quran by heart. At a point he wished to marry, but I knew it wouldn't work

When I started college, I met one of my school mates and we both became friends. He was moderately religious, decent, and simple. We were good friends, but not even close friends. We both became best friends in the course of time- actually it took 3 years. We never had 'love' feelings for each other, and we were sure about what our relationship was. We discussed everything under the sun, and we decided we would maintain this friendship insha allah and be friends with each other's eventual life partners. We always kept our limits,  and we never moved to topics like sex.

Later we realized that we knew each other well, or rather the most. Once he came to my college to meet me, and after a year (we met  3-4 times before and after our schooling) we just walked together for nearly 5 kms!  I felt so sad when we parted for the first time. I had a different sense of feeling, so I prayed and cried, and I felt something 'divine' too; but I never let him know this.

I knew what was in his mind too, but I never wanted to be in a relationship because I always wanted to be my dad's princess and leave the matter to him. But after 1 week he said  "I'm going to marry you. I don't know, will we be lovers or not?  We know that we know each other well- we are best friends. I don't want to lose you. What if we cannot maintain this after marriage? We will be amazing together."

I did not have an answer, but he knew my answer. We could always predict what is happening in the other's mind.

I know I am in trouble. It was just that I didn't realize what was happening with me all this while. We did not ever had a sexual relationship, though we met.  He is an engieering dropout at 7th and last in the family. His parents are a bit old and do not care about his studies much, but I am from a family that gives a lot of importance to education.


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4 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,

    from your post seems like you are very say you have been very careful in not making male friends yet you still ended up in a situation with male encounter.

    sister you say you are religiously very contious than i guess you know the answer. let him speak to his parents and ask for your hand from your dad. if its not going in that direction than discontinue this friendship as its only taking you towards heart break. remember there is no friendship between a man and a woman unless they are husband and wife.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Especially when in mixed environments, it can be hard to maintain boundaries, which can lead to situations such as this. In a lot of places in the world, it is almost impossible to avoid such environments (in the West, for example, most workplaces and universities are mixed) - so when we're in these places we need to be extra careful to observe limits.

    I would urge you to study more about Islamic guidance for male-female interactions, in order to help you maintain appropriate boundaries from now on, and to try to find practising female friends with whom you can spend time instead.

    Looking at the situation as it is now, if you have feelings for this boy then it is important that you ensure the next steps you take are in accordance with Islamic guidance. He should prepare himself to propose marriage and approach your father to ask his permission.

    A lot of people propose that they should marry someone because they are "in love" with the other person - but a proposal where that is the main argument put forward can be met with (in many cases appropriate) skepticism, and can appear quite naive. If this boy seriously wishes to marry you, he should think about what he can offer and what the two of you can work together to build -
    -Does he have a career plan or employment? (He doesn't need to be rich or have a high-powered job, but if he does need to be able to contribute to building a stable life, and to have a plan for how he would support you and any children).
    -Is he practising Islam well? (None of us is perfect in every way in our practice, but he needs to be able to show that he has strong faith in Islam and commitment to learning more).
    -Is he a man of good character? (Do people generally think well of him or consider him a "bad egg"? Is he active in his community? Does he do any charity work or volunteering? Is he caring and respectful towards his family?).
    -How would he envisage the marriage to work? (Would he want to live with his parents or yours or have a place of your own? Would he want you to stop studying or working? Would he want children? What kind of contact would he be wanting the two of you to have with your families?).

    He doesn't need to have a slide-show about it, but he does need to be able to show that he has thought about marriage beyond "I really like this girl". Your father can then consider whether he feels that this relationship would have potential to work well.

    It sounds as though you admire and trust your father a great deal, so try to trust that he will act in what he feels are your best interests. If, however, the proposal is rejected and you feel that the reasons for this were not to do with his faith or his character, then you have the right to discuss the matter and argue that the refusal was not for a valid reason - if this is the case, then you could approach the imam at your local masjid and ask him to talk with your father.

    Throughout this process, though, you should not be alone with this boy, as he is non-mahram, and you should both try to ensure any interactions you have are Islamically appropriate.

    If Allah wills it to happen, it will... If He says it will not happen, then it will not. Pray Istikhara and trust in Allah to provide what is best for you in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. Assalamu Alaykum.

    Dear sister, Allah has saved you from zina, so be grateful for that and keep your distance from this boy. He must speak to your wali, and make plans to marry you. But please do not spend time alone with him, because we all know what that could lead to. Being alone with a male without a mahram is unacceptable. If this boy seems reluctant to do things the right way, then cut ties with him. There is no relationship apart from marriage. May Allah protect you and make things easy for you.

  4. Is he marriage material otherwise? I'm 29 now and I wish I had married a guy out of the onesi met in college. Younger guys are sometimes immature, but generally less bitter and are less likely to have at ad habits. And muslimah girl professionals have a super small pool to choose from..if he is otherwise a person of good character and financially stabl, don't discard him so fast.
    However, don't give your dad a super shock either. Maybe your dad can become familiar with him (along with the rest of your social group) and you can gauge his reaction. Meanwhile, don't give this guy false hopes. Go slow 🙂

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