Can I choose my own husband after getting divorced?
Assalam o Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh
Well I got married four years back and me and my husband signed the marriage contract nikah and we were officially married but my ruksati was not done yet as he left for UK , but things did not end well in between us as he was always complaining about me not giving his family time and I couldn't do that because I was with my parents. I would always be in touch with him through emails, texts and calls but soon he started avoiding me for no reason. I would keep emailng and texting him but he would never respond back. Days turned into months and then years.
I was suffering mentally and going through severe depression and he never contacted me but he was in contact with his family on continuous basis which would hurt me . But I kept praying to Allah and then finally he comes back after 2 years saying to me that I was lost somewhere!!! I still gave him a chance and when his family came to meet my parents. They were very upset with him and then when I went to meet him the next day he divorced me and he was not even angry. And the next day he left for UK and after a month I came to know he got married again and I was shattered.
Well my question is since I stayed with my parents and since we didnt have any kind of relation coz i never stayed with my husband (we just signed the nikah papers) so we were never physically involved and then my husband divorced me by saying talaq thrice, and I didnt have the iddat period... so since I'm a divorcee now and I read it that a divorcee does not need her wali she can marry without her wali so is it permissible for me to marry without anyone's permission??
I will obviously take my parents into consideration at every stage of my life In sha Allah but I have this doubt since I am a divorcee and a virgin Alhamdulillah. Actually I am scared that my parents will do the mistake of choosing the wrong person for me again because they have already done is with my sisters and my brothers and me myself and since I have seen them suffering and I have gone through a hard time so I am really concerned about my parents choosing a groom for me again.
Sister AK
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assalamalaikum-
I THINK THIS NIKAH HAS TO BE RESEARCHED AND REPLIED AGAIN IN MY NEXT REPLY-
WHETHER IT IS VALID OR NOT TILL THEN JUST FOR KNOWLEDGE SAKE-PLEASE READ THAT THE COMSUMATING OF MARRIAGE IS A CONDITION AS PER DETAILS GIVEN BELOW TOMORROW AGAIN I WILL ADD ONE MORE REPLY ON THE VALIDITY OF NIKAH STATUS-AND THE NEXT STEP COMES ABOUT DIVORCE-
Consummating the Marriage....
Qur'an 4:23
There is only one instance (and that is twice in Qur'an 4:23 that the verb 'dakhala' is used in relation to marriage or women - and it is clear that the meaning is sexual intercourse.
Dakhala in the Qur'an
Here is the complete list of the Qur'anic verses containing the word "dakhala":
dakhala - Qur'an 3:37, Qur'an 3:97, Qur'an 4:23, Qur'an 4:23, Qur'an 5:23, Qur'an 5:61
To fulfill (a sexual desire or attraction) especially by intercourse.
yadkhulu - Qur'an 2:111, Qur'an 2:114, Qur'an 2:214, Qur'an 3:142, Qur'an 4:124, Qur'an 5:22, Qur'an 5:24, Qur'an 7:40, Qur'an 7:46, Qur'an 12:67, Qur'an13:23, Qur'an 16:31, Qur'an 17:7, Qur'an 19:60, Qur'an 24:27, Qur'an 24:28, Qur'an 24:29, Qur'an 33:53, Qur'an 35:33, Qur'an 40:40, Qur'an 40:60,Qur'an 48:27, Qur'an 49:14, Qur'an 68:24, Qur'an 110:2
udkhul - Qur'an 2:58, Qur'an 2:208, Qur'an 4:154, Qur'an 5:21, Qur'an 5:23, Qur'an 7:38, Qur'an 7:49, Qur'an 7:161, Qur'an 12:67, Qur'an 12:99, Qur'an15:46, Qur'an 16:29, Qur'an 16:32, Qur'an 27:18, Qur'an 27:44, Qur'an 33:53, Qur'an 36:26, Qur'an 39:72, Qur'an 39:73, Qur'an 40:76, Qur'an 43:70,Qur'an 50:34, Qur'an 66:10, Qur'an 89:29, Qur'an 89:30
dukhila - Qur'an 33:14.
dakhil - Qur'an 5:22, Qur'an 66:10
dakhal - Qur'an 16:92, Qur'an 16:94.
muddakhal - Qur'an 9:57
mudkhal - Qur'an 4:31, Qur'an 17:80, Qur'an 22:59.
adkhala - Qur'an 5:65, Qur'an 21:75, Qur'an 21:86.
yudkhilu - Qur'an 3:192, Qur'an 3:195, Qur'an 4:13, Qur'an 4:14, Qur'an 4:31, Qur'an 4:57, Qur'an 4:122, Qur'an 4:175, Qur'an 5:12, Qur'an 5:84, Qur'an9:99, Qur'an 22:14, Qur'an 22:23, Qur'an 22:59, Qur'an 29:9, Qur'an 42:8, Qur'an 45:30, Qur'an 47:6, Qur'an 47:12, Qur'an 48:5, Qur'an 48:17, Qur'an48:25, Qur'an 58:22, Qur'an 61:12, Qur'an 64:9, Qur'an 65:11, Qur'an 66:8, Qur'an 76:31.
adkhil - Qur'an 7:151, Qur'an 17:80, Qur'an 27:12, Qur'an 27:19, Qur'an 40:8, Qur'an 40:46.
udkhila - Qur'an 3:185, Qur'an 14:23, Qur'an 71:25.
yudkhalu - Qur'an 70:38
While 'consummate' can sometimes mean 'completion' (as in a business transaction), the Arabic word 'dakhala' carries no such meaning or connotation.
Furthermore, a fluent English speaker will never take 'consummate the marriage' to mean 'complete the marriage' or 'enter the marriage', but will always understand it to mean 'sexual intercourse.' It is the only possible way to understand this euphemism.
It is clear that the only meaning of dakhala applicable to the context of the hadith is 'sexual intercourse.'
The root of the verb "udkhilath" is "dakhala" - which means to "enter". This is the most common Arabic meaning, although there are other definitions - none of which can be used in this case, given the context of this hadith.
Again, seeking to interpret it in a way that they can feel comfortable with, some Muslims will seek to cast doubt onto the correct meaning of "dakhala" ('sexual intercourse' in the given context) by pointing to these other definitions; often presented and claimed to be a 'complete list' of definitions, yet conveniently omitting the sexual definition:
The full definition of دخل (dakhala) :insert, enter, thrust, admit, drive in, let in, show in, make or let enter...
Dictionary entries on Dakhala
An English definition for dakhala, which is commonly found on the Internet is as follows:
to enter, to pierce, to penetrate, to consummate the marriage, cohabit, sleep with a woman. IS CALLED Dakhala-
The basic principle is that one of the conditions of marriage is the consent of both parties, because of the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) which says that the Prophet SAW said: “A virgin cannot be married until her consent has been sought and a previously-married woman cannot be married until she has been consulted.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what is her consent?” He said, “If she remains silent.”
Malik related to me from Abdullah ibn al-Fadl from Nafi ibn Jubayr ibn Mutim from Abdullah ibn Abbas that the Messenger of Allah, [SAWS]said, "A woman who has been previously married is more entitled to her person than her guardian, and a virgin must be asked for her consent for herself, and her consent is her silence "
[Malik's Muwatta, Book 28, Number 28.2.4]
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,
For your own safty, it is better for you to do it together with your wali. You have no experience yet, how are you sure you can make the right decision? Your parents with all their experience could make a mistake, let alone you! So I'd suggest that you do it 50/50 with your Wali. For example, choose the religious man you want to be married to, and then your Wali can investigate him for you.
Of course, your Wali cannot say "no" if the man is religious and is of good characters.
Also, you have the right to say "no" to any marriage contract planned by your Wali without your consent.