Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I divorce my wife to be with someone I love?

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Salamualaikum,

I pray that you are in the best of health and highest of Iman in Shaa Allah.

I'm yet to find a situation as close to mine so I'm desperately looking for the right advice.

I'm 30 years old and have been married to my cousin (fathers younger brothers daughter) for 10 years. Allah has blessed me with 2 amazing daughters 9 and 6 years old. My wife lived in Egypt (homeland) from when she was born until day she married me when she was 19. I married her as my father suggested her to me on a summer holiday and as I'm the youngest boy in my family (3 brothers and 2 sisters) I felt obliged even at the age of 20 to marry as to attain his blessings.

10 years of marriage I have fulfilled all my duties as righteous husband (working hard to build prosperous future for her n kids, comfortable life style, regular holidays, never rejecting any requests from her, even setup a business for her brother in Egypt of which he's built a career out of and is able to support his family from - my uncle) but we never shared any form of relationship or even friendship of that matter. we lived 2 separate lives as I never managed to fit her into my style of character or behaviour. We rarely went out alone and never really enjoyed any holidays together. In fact I would desperately join other family members on holiday to avoid getting bored with her alone even with our kids in our life. She just isn't my type. Unfortunately for her, with her background coming from a different society and environment, her being a poor area in Egypt and born and raised in an Egyptian culture, and mine from london, we never clicked or even close, even until today. Her upbringing taught her how to cook, clean, respect her husband and his family, and be a good mother. She's never had any hobbies or parts to her life or even character that ever allowed me to fall in love or say that's special. I mean she's a great cook and can cook me breakfast lunch and dinner in same day but I'm not really a great eater although I appreciate the effort.

Now this is where it gets tense, over the years I got into a routine of looking for forms or relationships (non where serious) with numerous other girls and even though I'd reveal my marital status, it made no difference and I would indulge in haram relationships. It went on for years and became normal for me without realising. I just accepted that in order for me to continue with my life with some attention and care and affection from female, I had to look elsewhere for it as I simply wasn't happy and never received any love from my wife.

To add to the stress both my daughters where born with heart conditions of which they both had to carry out heart surgeries but I still sincerely thank Allah everyday for what he's given me in my life.

i went to my local masjid n asked an islamic marriage coneslor advice of my situation. He made it clear for me divorce is not an option and asked me 40 questions about my wife - I couldn't fault her on a single one! Questions where like does she pray? Does she look after ur parents? Does she keep house clean? If your friends come to your house does she join you in the gathering or is she no where to be seen. Does she spend your money lavishly or save? All questions I thought are very precise and important questions to establish if she is a pious wife. My advise was to remain patient in this marriage as the love and companionship il looking for in my wife is only seen in Hollywood movies.  I left believing exactly that!

Time had passed and I met a girl of which I lied to about my marital status and developed a relationship with and for first time in my life fell in love. I confessed 4 months later that in fact I'm still married and living at home but naturally defended myself by explaining to her the type of relationship I have with my wife. She refused to accept and left the relationship but time passed by and we started speaking again. She feels strongly about me but refuses to talk to me while I'm still married, she also feels guilty about potentially damaging my wife and kids stability if I was to divorce her.

I'm a honest and loyal man with hamdullah a great reputation with everyone I know. Yet I'm living a lie at home with my wife and being disloyal and dishonest with her out of all people in my life.

im extremely lost and confused. I have gone  astray from the straight path of Islam and I don't know which angle to tackle it to sort this out from the root of the problem. I want to divorce my wife/cousin as I don't see a fruitful future with her apart from being around my kids and also keeping my parents and her parents happy. I see a strong future with the later girl but not sure if what I'm feeling is correct. I spoke about divorce with  my wife over passed 6 months and she accepts but I still don't know if it's the right thing to do. I also feel like I'm putting the girl in a difficult situation. I must mention that I also confessed to my wife my feelings with the girl as I felt like she deserved she knew the truth about how I felt.

Another important factor is I'm very close to my children and under any circumstance that will never change.

i did ask my wife to allow me to marry 2nd but she totally refused.

Please advise me I hope I have given a good enough explanation on my situation. If there is anything else I have missed feel free to ask.

Jazakallah for reading and look forward to hearing your suggestions on what is permissible for me to do.

Sams5369

 

 

 

 

 


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15 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaikum

    Excusme Brother i jus want 2 ask u something....u dint felt any love 4r ur wife 4r diz past 10 years den in wch basic u got 2 children............?? do u think girls r 1ly used 4r smethg odd?? u love ur children but may i kne 4rm wer dey cme 4rm............???did dey jump into ur hands 4rm sky ...2 b frank u have used ur wife 4r ur selfishness, u got married wid her 2 get ur fathers blessings but do u feel if u left her in this condition again ur father will bless u..?? according to me you shd leave dat grl wid whm u r in a WRONG relationship with y bcz c has a good life dnt make her 2 suffer by marrying u and face prblmz in future sry if im wrng allah knwz d best start living truthfully wid ur wife....fear allah read quran wen u get diverted,do more namaz

  2. What is your solution I would like to know please.

  3. Salam Sams,

    To answer your question, yes you can divorce her in Islam. If you cannot maintain the limits set by Allah then it may be better to divorce than to cheat on your wife:
    http://legacy.quran.com/2/230:
    And if he has divorced her [for the third time], then she is not lawful to him afterward until [after] she marries a husband other than him. And if the latter husband divorces her [or dies], there is no blame upon the woman and her former husband for returning to each other if they think that they can keep [within] the limits of Allah . These are the limits of Allah , which He makes clear to a people who know.

    But before you divorce her, there is a lot to consider:
    1) That really strong feeling of love lasts up to two years for most people, then there is a drop. Then another drop in 4 years, then 7 years, and then finally again in 10 years. By 10 years there isn't much to talk about, it's like you've been watching the same exciting movie for 10 years now. It takes work to keep up the relationship beyond the honeymoon phase but this will be true even if you divorce and remarry any girl that you love.

    2) If you divorce, your kids have a high chance of acting out. The parents and the home are a solid foundation for them. When a divorce occurs most kids do worse in school and show more behavior problems. This is because they would like their parents together and now they're not getting to see both parents together for a full day.

    3) Your kids will most likely dislike your new wife and she will not feel the same priority that you feel for your kids because they aren't her kids. This is because your kids will see your new wife as a problem preventing their parents from getting back together. Obviously, you new wife will want to start her own family and any time you spend with your kids will take away from her and her kids.

    4) I would say that women from a culture where modesty is valued are disadvantaged when competing in a culture where marriage is based on attracting suitors by showing skin. To cure this I would recommend that you buy the skimpy clothes you're attracted to for her to wear at home. Then take your wife to someone that can do makeup for her. This way your wife will be on even ground with the new girl you're interested in. A better solution would be to tell yourself that makeup is fake and try to look beyond it but that takes practice and this may work better in the short term.

    5) When men consider their divorce they imagine the new girl in the same position as their wife with everything else the same. This crashes when they start going through divorce and start losing time with their kids, half their wealth, love from the kids, and then start realizing all the things their wife was doing for them. Also, they realize that now their kids are living in a worse situation financially and don't have the nice house or the best things. Plus the new wife has her dull moments and isn't as exciting as she seemed in the stolen moments he had with her before.

    It is at this point that they start regretting their decision but it's kinda too late because they've seriously damaged the relationship with their ex-wife. So for this I would recommend that before you start looking for someone new, you actually go through the divorce, if that is what you want. Better yet, actually try to develop the skills you feel are lacking with your wife. Pay a babysitter and spend one on one time. Make a deal with her telling her what skills you would like her to gain and give her something she wants in return. This way she will have the same hobbies as you and you will start to fall for her.

    A good hobby to try with a girl is one that has both action and talking. Walking, playing ping pong, going to restaurants, playing a board game. Anything where you can have a conversation, which builds a connection with the girl, and a physical activity that builds a connection with a guy. Video games where she saves your life repeatedly are also good but she may not be interested in them at all.

    As for the second wife option. It's like asking for a permanent half a divorce as you won't see her half the time. More than likely you'll want to spend all your time with your new wife as the first two years are fun. So for her it may be better to remarry someone else then to put up with a situation where you go have fun with someone new and she still pulls her weight plus now covers for time you're not there.

    Oh, one other thing, if your wife remarries then her husband has a say in how he raises your daughters. If she marries someone of low moral character you will have no option but to put up with whatever he's doing to them. Whether it's physical abuse or anything else. And while this is going on you will have this stress to deal with while trying to run a new relationship and a new family.

    So considering everything that can possibly go wrong, it generally is a better idea to put effort into making the current relationship better than pursuing someone new. And if the pursuit of someone new is necessary, then to divorce first before trying. Salam.

    • Very well said. You have given a very well thought out advice. I completely agree with your point of view and hope the brother listens to your advice.

  4. Salaam Brother,

    I feel very sorry for the woman who married you. She has tried to be a pious and good wife to you for 10 years and this is what you give her in return.

    Allah has given you a stable and peaceful marriage and you want to throw it away because you had a haraam and illegal relationship with another woman and you think that you love her. Haven't you read the numerous stories on this website and elsewhere about how so many men have to deal with an abusive and non co operative wife. Thank Allah it's not you, and Thank Allah everyday that he has blessed you with such a pious wife which so many other men wish their wife was.

    Why don't you think that Allah has blessed you with a good wife because you can stop worrying about your family life and think about how you can help the muslim ummah to be better in whichever country you live. It seems like you have a smooth life and it's very easy for the shaitaan to tempt you into doing something haraam. If you have time in your life and comfort in your home, then put some effort in outside world and help the poor people in the country you live or do some other charitable activities. Allah has given you such a good oppurtunity to earn lots of rewards.

    One of the major aim of the shaitaan / devil is to break up a muslim family. I think it's the shaitaan who's whispering into you these thoughts that your life will be much better if you marry the other woman and he's the one who is making you think that you don't have any connection with your current wife. So I advise you to think wisely before making any decision and be wise to stay away from the whisperings of the shaitaan.

    It's your marriage and you are the man in the marriage, it's upto you to make a connection with your wife and fall in love with her and make your life exciting with her. Read Islamic as well as general books on how to have an exciting marriage. You make the effort to make your marriage more exciting and better. And make lots of dua to Allah to give you satisfaction with what you have and to realise the value of what you already have.

    May Allah bless your marriage with love and happiness.

  5. Salam brother,

    There is a simple fix to the situation. Just think about how you talk to your wife versus how you talk to your girlfriend. Do you flirt with both? Do you joke with both? No. Now think about the culture differences. You are from London, your wife is from Egypt.

    You know you can't leave your wife. Out of the question. You have kids. Be a real man and dump the girlfriend.

    So the simple fix is this:
    Step 1: APOLOGIZE. You said some pretty mean things to your wife by telling her that you love another woman, ect. She works so hard to keep you happy in all the ways she knows, and does not deserve that kind of news.
    Step 2: Drop off the kids at ur parents for a week. Step 3: Take her on vacation ALONE. Visit HER Egypt. Visit the neighborhood where she grew up. Learn how to flirt with her in HER terms. Learn how to joke with her in HER terms. Or if you have been there then ask her where she always wished to go, and go there. Make this trip about HER. Fill your heart with lots of "I'm sorry", and use your actions to tell her every moment how sorry you are and how much you want to make it right. She will appreciate it. Spare no expense, make no argument, and treat her like a queen. Like you treat your girlfriend...

    The point is that you are coming to a time in your life when you know you are in the wrong, and you need to fix it. So take time out of your busy schedule to fix it. Tell your wife how you want to make it right, and then DO IT. She deserves it. Just look at all the other comments you have gotten on your post, think about the imam's comments to you, and look at how many single men wish for a simple and caring wife like yours.

    Don't waste what you have, brother.

    Salam,
    Shereen

    • Shereen, I totally agree with you here...I pray this brother do the right thing, I never want to see someone family falling a part.

      Thank You for Fatima for liking my post..

      Another thing to poster, please stop any contact that you have with your GF..

  6. As Salam Alaikum,

    Brother, as i was reading your post, it almost made me cry, and no I am not going to show you sympathize with you..bro take it from a man, I lost my wife because I was looking for love and because I did not felt she loved me, I got angry and in the end we divorce just in 3 months. Now, you been with this pious wife for more than who 10 years and have wonderful children...trust me you will miss her to date once this new girl, who you call your LOVE is GONE..

    Then don't just say, it mean something, "You do not know the value of that person until you lose that person"

    I don't get people like you, you have everything a man wants and you are not being thankful, be thankful to her, to Allah (Swt) for giving you such a pious wife.

    Allah, the Almighty says,
    “And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (AI-Baqarah, 2:216)

    You may LOVE her now but who knows later you will not stop loving her too..there is no such thing as Love, it is only in this 3 hrs movies that we see..BE A MAN and treat your wife kindly, respectfully.

    May Allah (swt) give you hidayat..

    Allah hafiz..

    • Assalaamualykum Mohamad. I cannot help but to completely agree on your statement that you have made. Your statement is by far the most striking one of all. I truly do hope that all males who are in a similar situation to take heed of what you mentioned. Some people do not value their marriages and want to experiment something different, and in the end will end up doing the same thing to their secret so-called lovers. Jazakallah khair for sharing your message with us.

  7. Dear brother,
    I think you guys r not living together that's why the bond never built the way it should have been, anyways now you have got daughters also and your wife is a pious woman so pls focuss on your life partner and marriage instead of seeing here and there and call her n children to UK permanently. You will feel the difference after some time , I bet , wish u all the best.

  8. I don't think you are ready to enter into a divorce and re-marriage while also shouldering the responsibilities of being a single parent. Instead, you need to do some serious self-reflection and think about your values, your behaviour and your personality.

    You state that you are an"honest and loyal man". With all respect, you are not honest or loyal at all. You are a serial adulterer. You have acknowledged your mistake but it doesn't sound like you have acknowledged how morally repugnant your behaviour is. From a woman's perspective, I would hate to have you as a husband and from a daughter's perspective, as a father. Moreover, you lied to the women with whom you were committing adultery with!

    I think once you recognize that you are not honest and not loyal, you can concentrate on honouring the woman who gave birth to your two children, who has remained monogamous for the past ten years, who left her own family an ocean away to set up house with you. What you will realize is that this is a completely unselfish exercise. It won't be about your own personal gratification, it will be about keeping your young family intact. They deserve a man who will not look at other women much less have sex with them. They deserve a husband and father who will devote his life to their well-being.

    Are you loved? Financially secure? In good health? Have good parents and siblings? If so, then stop contacting other women, stop pining for extra-marital sex, and start focusing on your wife and daughters. What if your daughters find out what you've been dong all these years?

    Sorry I haven't been as kind and understanding as the other posters. But I strongly feel that adultery is the most disgusting human behaviour on the face of this earth, and it hurts a woman to her core. Do you know what that feels like? It's like being ripped apart from the inside out. I also hope that you did not subject your wife to any STD's and you really should both get tested.

    To sum up: no, you can't abandon your wife to marry your girlfriend. Life doesn't always have a happy ending.

  9. AoA Brother. Hope this finds you well.

    I think you are one of the lucky few individuals who has a complete home and are being ungrateful. As you've mentioned, there is no situation similar to yours on this website, the reason for that is people with your life hardly ever write on this website as they are content.

    Having said that, I completely understand your situation but you cant have everything AND more. As suggested above, instead of trying to look for things that you would want in a wife, look for things that your wife would want in you.

    The amount of satisfaction and happiness one gets from doing something for others without wanting a return is much more that what you get doing something for yourself.

    Hope this helps.

    Allah knows best.

    AAZA

  10. I don't know what type of love you are looking for? After marriage all girls turned be same. The questions ask by imam masjid have must explain you that your wife is good and loyal. You found a girl because you are looking for one it means you are not loyal to your wife. Marriage is a relationship where both of yours responsibility to understand each other. She must be busy in looking after your house, kids and parents. I believe she alsi want to enjoy life but can't because she is not only your wife she is a mum, a daughter in law, a daughter and as you said a career oriented lady. She is so busy in her responsibility to not enjoy life. May be she feels relax by just talking or watching tv programs; she doesn't like going outside or when she is outside keep thinking about houshold chores and kids. Give her time, spend time with her.
    I agree with imam sahab that the love you are looking for is only in movies not in real life. When your girlfriend will become a wife she will turn into another lady like your wife. Than all love will flow away. Life is a mixture of good and bad things. You can't just accept only good things there are a lots of good qualities your wife have and you explained it. If she can't behave like you than y don't you change yourself for her. Did you ever try to understand what she wants? May be she doesn't feel love towards you, have you ever tried to make her feel special. Just imagine that on the basis of lack of infatuation your wife start looking for a man and start spending time with him and than after 3/4 months tell him that I m married and to get marry him she ask u to give her divorce. How do you feel???
    The truth is you are not loyal in your relationship. Rather than give her time and spend time with her you wasted that time in finding other girl friends than whose fault it is????? May be she know that she is extra in your life and no one wants to be treat like tissue paper like when you need it you get and when not just leave it.
    The love that you are thinking lacks in your life; try to give it from your side. Try to fill in space from your side don't expect everything from her. Tell her what you want in your life you change a bit and request her to change a bit.
    Believe me your girl gonna turn into a typical wife after get married than what you will do ; will start look for another girl.
    It is something inside you don't just think on one side
    Open your brain
    And be a real man

  11. Waaleikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    "i did ask my wife to allow me to marry 2nd but she totally refused."

    I am sorry, I do not know what to advise you in your situation. I just wanted to let you know that you do not need to ask your wife for permission to get a second wife. It's your right to marry up to four wives (as long as you can treat them equally in all matters).

    • The man is an adulterer? he hasn't manged Justice or basic morality with his first wife, how is it, you deem him a suitable man for polygamy Ya Allah!

      @ Sam-
      You said, ' I'm a honest and loyal man with hamdullah'

      No your not, your delusional, the punishment for your actions in Islam, is to be stoned to death, you do realise this?
      Allah blessed you with such a good woman, the kind of woman many brothers, Pray to Allah for by day and night, and your gratitude to Allah is that you engage in illicit relationships? your complaints regarding your wife are that, although she cooks for you, your not much of an eater? and that your wife doesn't have any hobbies? if your behaviour wasn't so unislamic and utterly appalling it would be laughable,
      Men like you will never be contented with any woman, this is what happens when you do not fear Allah, you will soon find issues with your girlfriend, and the next foolish and misguided woman who gets involved with a man who is cheating on his wife.

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