Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I do istikhara to get over someone?

broken heart

I am in a very complex situation. There is a guy I'm involved with since a while. He claims he likes me and once when I asked him about marriage he told me I am too young for it now. I am 19 and he is 22.

He is working in a company and lately he's been busy. He told me that he comes back really late but at least he used to talk to me on the weekends. Let me add up that our conversation was mostly related to how pretty he thinks I am and all about my physical appearance... Once I was very sad, deeply hurt and in huge mourning state.. He was in his office I texted him what happened to me and that I am extremely sad... and guess what he didn't even reply to me.. And two days later he texted "k I came back from office at 3"...When I asked him you don't care about my feelings don't care whether I am sad or happy.. he said that I am fighting with him and making an issue out of nothing...This is not the first time he did this... always he wants me to do the happy talk and if I'm depressed he says get over it... He doesnt bother to make me feel better..

But the thing is I am deeply involved and love him...he once said he'll marry me and never leave me... But last week he said to me there are only two things in my work and my life.. nothing else... I asked him what does he mean to which he didn't reply...and now it's been two weeks and he hasn't contacted me..

There hasn't been a single day which I have spent without thinking about him...he is always on my mind...especially at the time im trying to sleep. I feel so restless because I can't sleep easily as he is always in my thoughts..

Please I need advice what should I do...I am so confused.. Should I do istikhara and ask from God that if he is better for me then he should be in my life or else please remove him from my life and heart..plz need urgent advice !!!


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8 Responses »

  1. Salam sister, I hope you are well. You sound so innocent. I am going to give advice you as I would to a younger sister. I know it's going to sound harsh and it will hurt you but from what you have described this guy isn't interested in you. Perhaps initially he was attracted to you but his intentions were never serious.

    I would suggest that you recognise your self worth. It seems you are attractive, your young, your genuine and you seem to have a good heart amongst other good qualities I'm sure. This guy is treating you like a nobody. He is disrespecting you because you are letting him.

    There is no such thing as a halal relationship before marriage, and quite often it leads to a lot of other sinful behaviour, but Alhamdulillah it seems you haven't engaged in anything of the sort which is a blessing itself. You have expressed to him that your intention is to marry. So now he needs to do the decent thing and if he is seriously interested in you he needs to take the right steps to ask for your hand in marriage, with the involvement of your mahram. Perhaps make this clear to him and then stop contact. Leave the rest to him. If he is genuine he will take the next steps, if not he will hopefully leave. If he does want to marry you then this would be the time to perform istikhara and to ask Allah for guidance about your future.

    Also, from what you have written its not clear whether you know much about him. There are certain qualities you should look for in a guy before you marry him to assess whether he would be a good husband and father. For example, his faith, character, whether he is from a respectable family, financially stable, the kinds of people he hangs out with, his etiquette etc etc. You would probably need your mahram to do some research about this guy. I'm not judging but to me something seems fishy about this guy returning home at 3am! I don't know many respectable jobs that involve coming home at that hour. So just something to think about.

    Anyway sister, your young and beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it focussing on someone who doesn't care about you and disrespects you. Focus on your education/career/faith etc and build yourself a good life. The right guy will come along when the time is right, marriage is a big step - don't just settle.

  2. Dear khleesi,

    You don't need to do istikhara to ask God to keep him in your life if the boy is good for you. That's not what istikhara is for.

    Honestly, you already know the answer, don't you? He does not care about your feelings. If you are sad, he does not try to make you feel better. He has not responded to your text in two weeks.

    Is this the type of man you want to marry and honour you as your husband??? If so, then trust me there are lots of guys out there just like him. Pretty girls like you are like bees to honey (you being the honey). Quality is not a prerequisite.

    You should let go of this crush. Concentrate on your studies for now.

  3. May Allah SWT bless you and all of us. May He forgive our sins and show us the right path...Aameen

  4. salaam sister pls read surah ad duha for depression lonely and sadness type in youtube it will tell you the meaning of this dua
    this dua was sent by allah swt for our prophet pbuh for 6 months he didnt seen any sign from allah swt and hasrat jabreel alay salaam prophet muhammed pbuh cried and cried he thought allah swt didnt lovre him and didnt love him no more allah swt loved him after 6 months this dua surah ad duha came down and prophet pbuh read it and allah swt advised the prophet pbuh to let and tell your umma to read this dua as it is from the beloved holy quran in shaa allah you wont feel depressed lonely and sadness

  5. Dear too is in same condition..believe me that there is no good for you.whatever you do,he did not love you,he did not came..may be he find another girl.this is too difficult for u,but its the truth.

  6. Never love anyone truly.they hurt you

  7. Aoa,
    I’m confused about what to do and what decision to make, I think I should do istikhara but I’m not sure. I have a cousin who’s 18 and I’m 15, we really love eachother and we are together since 2 years, he cares for me, gives me his time, and listens to everything I say, I love him too. Recently, like 2 months ago, my mom got to know about him, she strictly told me to not talk to him because he smokes and drinks. I still love him but I know my mom would never agree. His parents don’t have an issue, they really like me and are ready to accept me. Now we both are confused about what to do, we can’t leave eachother because whenever we try to it feels impossible. Shall I do istikhara?

    • Sister "Me," you are too young to be married, and in Islam we do not have boyfriend and girlfriend relationships. At your age you will develop feelings for any handsome boy who pays attention to you, but your mother is right. This boy has bad habits, he is clearly not conscious of Allah or his deen, and he is most likely just toying with you. And on top of everything else he is your cousin, which is not healthy. I really hope you have not gotten physical with him in any way.

      Focus on your schoolwork. Leave this relationship stuff alone for now. There will be time for that when you are older, and when you have more understanding and wisdom of how to choose a good partner inshaAllah.

      Wael Editor

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