Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I marry her once she divorces my friend?


Salam brothers and sisters. I need some advice and guidance on this very important matter in my life. I will give a little bit of history on my situation.

I live in a different country from my homeland, and on my last visit to back home  I reconnect my childhood best friend and his wife.  They just had a baby together after 5 years of marriage. Since I met my friends wife, I have shown her respect and kept distance as my friends wife. However we did kept touch to see their daughters picture. And i come to know some stuff about their marriage. My friend got addicted to drugs right after marriage and spend a long time (~1 year) in rehab away from his family. He keep getting into financial trouble and so far didn't do his duty as husband. My friend's in-laws are taking all financial responsibility of his wife's expenses, his daughter's expenses and sometimes his too. My friends wife is very abused in his family and he is very silent about it. She didnt tell me this directly, but from occasional chat these go out.

Now before I believe anything, I did ask my friend about his family life and he did mention he is having trouble with with family and did admit he is not being very supportive to his wife and daughter. My intention is to help my best friend since i wasn't there when he got addicted.

I did a lot of back of forth with my friend and his wife to put things in new prospective and make them understand each other. I guess I got too involved, because his wife started to get dependant on me and my friend kinda looked at that his wife have someone to talk to and completely gave up trying to fix anything.

We have become very close and supportive and she was very supportive when recently i was going through a very rough time in my life. I just started to feel more and more connected and i mention it to her. To my surprise, she admit she have been feeling the same way about me. We are very compatible with each other, we understand each other, we have similar likings; to me and her, it feels like made for each other. All these happened over online chat and phone call since I'm halfway across the world from her. So we didn't even see each other on these very state of relation.

Well before any of these happened, she mentioned she is thinking to get a divorce and live with her parents with her daughter. I never supported that in past and now, and always discouraged from thinking that. But she is getting determined on that regardless I marry her or not.

I know in my heart, I don't want to be reason for the divorce, for her sake and my friends sake. But she is looking at it as separate from me, because she is thinking about it for long time.

If she do get divorced, I would like to spend my life with her and her daughter. But i'm so torn between the guilt of being in this relation with my friend's wife and wanting to spend my life with the girl i feel is so compatible with me.

I told her, i don't want anything to do with her divorce or separation and if it does happen, before me and her get more serious and involved, I will have to come clean to my friend.

Questions I am seeking guidance on:

1. Is it acceptable or halal in Islam to marry a divorced woman with kid?

2. If I do decide marry her, does our past relationship (she being my friends wife) makes in non-halal?

Any other thoughts will be much appreciated.

Thanks a lot in advance. Salam.


Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

14 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    What is clear is that you should've never gotten that involved with your friend's marriage. It's one thing to act as a mediator while they are both present, however talking to her privately (even for the sake of helping them) should've never happened for this very reason of the dilemma you are in now. Even if you have the purest of intentions, there's no way to know for sure she is divorcing for the right reason or not. There is always the chance that if you hadn't gotten involved at all, she would see the whole situation differently and not divorce him.

    You need to cut all contact with her immediately. If she wants to go through with her divorce, it is between her, her husband and Allah. Only Allah knows what is truly in her heart. Even if she does go through with the divorce, it's better to stay away from her. She needs time to sort out her thoughts and what she wants in her life. If she wants to remarry, whether it be immediately upon the completion of her iddah or a long while after, she should have a fair chance to know a variety of men to decide who is right for her.

    I would say to treat this like a permanent parting of ways between you and she. That is the best way to right the wrong of you getting attracted and close with a married woman. If Allah wants something more than that, He will make it so and it will happen in a way that won't cause either one of you to question whether you went about things in the right way in shaa Allah.

    As far as your technical questions, there is technically nothing haraam in marrying a divorcee woman with kids, nor with marrying a divorcee of a friend. But the latter is definitely in poor taste.

    -Amy Editor

  2. A divorced woman is no different from any single woman.. why on earth would it be haram. The Prophet swt married a divorced and widowed woman. Knowing this how could you ever ask if its haram..... I pray if this woman divorces she marries inshaAllah a man who
    doesn't ask such strange questions..

    • AlLateef, your last comment was unnecessary and unkind. Are you here to help people? Or just criticize their ignorance?

      Wael Editor

      • Sorry Wael you are right. I was just annoyed at the number of men on here always talking about divorced women as if they are half humans. But you are certainly not one of them so yes I apologise.

  3. I dont think you should have put yourself in this position. You have cheated your friend and BETRAYED HIM wheres your honesty. You should have never got involved regardless what was happening to them that was their business. I dont think you should marry her because clearly she has no RESPECT for her husband or his feelings. You both should be ashamed.

  4. Brother ahmed, the world is full of women. I'm sure there are many women who could be compatible with you and would make good wives. Out of all the world, you want to make designs upon your best friend's wife? Don't you think his life has been difficult enough without you causing him further pain?

    As sister Amy said, you should never have gotten involved in private discussions or chats with her, no matter your intentions. It was totally inappropriate. Now you have developed feelings for her and cast your friend to the gutter. The proof is the fact that you are talking about marrying her, and she is still married to your friend! You have abandoned any attempt to help them reconcile. Now you want her for yourself. I'm sorry to tell you brother that this is evil. Do you know that one of the worst evils one can do is to come between a husband and wife?

    I completely agree with Amy. You should cut off all contact with this woman and get out of your friend's life. You are not helping them. Even if they get divorced, you should not resume contact with this woman, nor marry her. To do so will only injure your friend and cast a pall of corruption on all your previous actions.

    Wael Editor

  5. Salam,

    Brother you said you were torn between the guilt of being in this relationship and my response to you is, "you should be". How on earth is this woman supposed to work on her marriage with you floating around in the back ground? As others here have stated, stop contact with her. You are neither doing her or her daughter a favor by getting involved with a married woman. Whatever difficulties she and her husband are going through, they can and will work on together. If you truly care about her and her daughter, you will back off and let her work on her marriage. May Allah guide her husband to a place where he can get help and save his marriage.


  6. Brother there is no doubt you are stabbing your friend in his back .how on the earth you both chat privately when it is haraam you will feel if your wife chats behind your back ? She also seems to be characterless woman like you ..shame on both of you ...get out from her life immediately ..

  7. Assalaam 'alaikum Brother Ahmed,

    I was trying to write something, but again this doesn't make sense to me at all. Like if you wanted to help, isn't your friend that you have to get in touch with?! How could talking to his wife alone ever resolve their issue?! Now you see?! You probably had pure intention in the beginning to help them, but unfortunately you went through the wrong door, and arrived at the wrong destination where the Shaitan awaited you, all this while to fall into his trap--there you are now, about to fall in a huge hole. Hmm, and the most worse part of it is that, you think your previous pure intention is still there, not knowing that it has been corrupted already by Shaitaan...

    As you were advised by others above, you should just let go of everything for good. This is delusion and not real. Of course, you might have had some sympathy for her, which is normal, and she also needed someone to talk to as she lacked that in her marriage--however, she should have only spoken to a counselor who could have talked to her on professional levels. Your non-professional behavior with her has allowed her to transfer her marital emotions to you, and this is motivating her to give up working on her marriage...

    It's very important that you leave her alone to freely decide on what she wants on her own. Yes, you are not directly encouraging her to go for the divorce, but in fact, whether you are aware of it or not, you are indirectly encouraging her to go for the divorce... As it's known about women, that most of them do not leave their husbands, even after many years of trying to work on their marriage, until they notice the presence of another sweet man around the corner, or realize that they can really live without their husbands.

    What you are doing is categorized under a form of Sihr (i.e. witchcraft/magic) to separate between a husband and his wife. As the noble ayah says, ''And they followed what the devils taught during the reign of Solomon. It was not Solomon who disbelieved, but it was the devils who disbelieved. They taught the people witchcraft and what was revealed in Babylon to the two angels Harut and Marut. They did not teach anybody until they had said, "We are a test, so do not lose faith." But they learned from them the means to cause separation between man and his wife. But they cannot harm anyone except with God's permission...'' (Quran 2: 102)

    Also, being the cause of separation between a husband and his wife, is like being the highest in rank among those who work for Shaitaan, wal 'iyaadhu billah.

    Jabir reported that Allaah's Messenger (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) said: Iblis (i.e. Shaitaan) places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: 'You have done well. (Muslim)

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protect us against the footsteps of Shaitaan, the known ones and the unknown. Ameen.

  8. Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 14).

    Turning a wife against her husband does not only mean pushing her to demand a divorce; rather trying to play with her emotions and causing her to fall in love with you is one of the worst kinds of corruption and wrongdoing.

    In al-Iqnaa’ (3/181), which is a Hanbali book, it says:

    He said concerning a man who turns a wife against her husband: he should be punished severely, and his marriage is invalid according to one of the two scholarly opinions in the madhhabs of Maalik, Ahmad and others, and they must be separated. End quote.

    It says in al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (11/19, 20):

    The Maalikis are the only ones who mentioned the ruling on this issue, which is when a man corrupts the wife of another man in such a way that it leads to her being divorced from him, then the one who corrupted her marries her.

    They stated that the marriage should be nullified, whether consummation has taken place or not, and there is no difference of opinion concerning that; the only thing concerning which they differed is whether or not the woman is permanently forbidden for marriage to the one who corrupted her.

  9. Firstly you shouldn't have kept contact with your friends wife because it is haram to chat or talk to non mahram woman.
    And unknowingly you are reason for her thinking about divorce.
    Because in that occasion you were in the position of consoling her, and whenever she told about a bad character about her husband definitely you would have never told that you too have that character if at all you had any.
    Brother we all tend to be of very good character over phone and chat, we always hide our negatives and console others about their defect right.
    So here the same thing happened... whenever she expressed her problem you supported her...
    Psychologically Men or women, are more susceptible to get attracted to the person who consoles them for the pain they are going through. This attraction then in most cases turns to an affair.
    The DIVORCE thing came to her mind after she got you as an option.. it's a fact.
    So it's better you stop communicating with her.. and later on if you come to know that she is divorced, get an advice from a scholar and then approach for proposal.
    But the best option would be that you stop communicating with her in any form and not even go to your friends house, rather talk to your friend or meet him somewhere else and try to keep his marriage alive.
    And this case forget about your desire, because it is not the right way, help your brother and ALLAH will help you.
    After all this, and in shaa ALLAH if still things are not going well and they divorce, then you can approach with a proposal in a halal way.
    The bottomline is that you should always be able to justify to yourself and to ALLAH that

  10. It is halal for you to marry her, but may God save all of us from having friends like you. You need to retrospect your religious beliefs. Being a nice good person is not enough to be a Muslim. A Muslim doesn't talk to a non-mehram female or male behind the back of their spouses.

Leave a Response