Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I marry my married lover?

Consequences of adultery

The consequences of infidelity and adultery

I am from Nigeria, I have a certain question I want to ask. The answer to it is very important to me as I am unable to reach a conclusion. 6 years back I made friends with a girl over the internet from my country. With time we started loving each other. After 1 year she told me that she is being pressured by her family to get married as in her family girls at mostly younger age get married. Hence she asked me if we can get married.

At that time my family had issues and I was not able to suppport myself and her and some other family issues which held me back not to marry her, and I even wasn't sure I will be able to marry her even after 5 years. So I told her that we can't get married and it's wise to listen to your own family and get married. After assurance that I can't marry her, she listened to her family and got married.

We remained in contact on phone and sms chat even after her marriage, expressing our love to each other. Her husband didn't get to know about all this as it was our secret affair. Before her marriage and even after marriage we were and are romantically linked to each other and crossed our limits on phone many times even when we met we almost touched limits but not completely crossed.

Her husband takes care of all her needs and is religious. She is not happy with her husband's mother who blames her for nothing and has a bad attitude with her. Another reason is that her husband's mother blames her for not giving more babies 5 years after her first baby girl was born and indirectly blames her for this. She has tried seeking her husband's help in changing his mother's thoughts about her but he only asks her to be calm and things will be fine, but he doesnt take his wife's side in front of his mother.

Due to this fact she is not happy with her husband and on the other hand she loves me more than anyone in her life still. She is having a quite ok sexual life with her husband, obeying him whenever he wants to sleep with her, admitting that it's his marriage rights. Despite her husband's care for her she doesn't like him and loves me and wants to live with me and I also love her and want to marry her. Her husband has told her that he loves her and can't live without her but she always expresses that she want to be with me in real and she finds peace when she is talking to me and gets hurt when we dont talk.

Her husband is not aware of our relation. She is also willing to leave her 5 year old baby and family for me. I need your guidance as soon as possible to reach to some conclusion but I don't want to commit anything against religion or to hurt anyone's feelings.

If she leaves her family and husband which she wants to do on her own wish just to marry me and get my love and be in my life, can I marry her and will it be fair?

nigerialove


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14 Responses »

  1. I am not sure about your religion yet. However, if you really want to know whether it would be fair or not, then put yourself in her husbands shoes, and be honest with yourself about how you would feel, if you were in a situation like his. You have brain and heart, and you can think and feel. Judge yourself.

    Also, you said you do not want to commit anything against religion or to hurt anyone's feelings--this is so funny. What do you think you were doing since 5 years? Do you think you were pleasing her husband by your non-religious and illegal affairs with his legitimate wife???

    • Maybe mentioning your religions would be relevant. For example, are the both of you Muslims or non-Muslims? Or is one of you a Muslim and the other a none Muslim?

      peace.

  2. Think about her husband in all of this. If someone had an affair with your wife how would you feel. On the other hand if your wife discussed personal and intimate matters with a nonmahram how would you feel. Not to mention the gravity of the sin you and this woman are committing. The problem here isnt you being able to marry her or not. The problem is both of you fooling an innocent man and playing with his life. It is not for you to decide whether her husband should support his wife or his mother.you do not know the whole situation and it is not your matter of concern. Its between a husband and wife and if you had some sense amd decency you would have left her alone after she got married.

  3. It's absolutely none of your business whatsoever how unhappy in her marriage she is, what her husband does and does not do, how their private marital bedroom life is and what the issues she has with her mother-in-law are. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You are not her husband. You are not her father. You are not her brother. You are not her uncle. You are not even someone with some kind of sincere intention to try resolve whatever issues there are between the couple. You are just there to meddle in their married life, and that's a really bad place to be on every level.

    Leave this woman alone. If she wants to get a divorce, then let her. After her iddah, she can let you know she's ready for marriage. Although, quite honestly, I don't know why you are attracted to the fact she's willing to leave her own child to be with you. If she can do it to her first husband, why not to you when you become her 2nd? Who's to say YOU won't be left by her with YOUR baby so she can marry some other man?

    Please choose your wife wisely. Please choose someone who chooses good morals and values. Does a woman who has affairs while marries show good judgement? Does a woman wanting to leave her own child show responsibility and the will to truly love and care?

  4. How horrible is this. I feel so bad for her husband 🙁 Everyone wants a good spouse who loves them and will treat them right yet she is cheating on him.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm going to be blunt here: You and this woman need to take a long hard look at yourselves and stop this behaviour.

    Assuming you are Muslim, you need to recognise that she is not your mahram, in which case you have no business being in private communication with her... let alone having an affair with her. Whether you are Muslim or not, carrying on with another man's wife is not the behaviour of a decent person. And there is a child involved as well. Astaghfirullah. This is real life, not a soap opera, and these are real people's feelings you are risking.

    As for the woman you are involved with... If she's seriously considering abandoning her child for anything, she needs to stop and think whether she could look herself in the mirror afterwards. A child needs their mum and their dad in their life, and abandoning her child would risk leaving her child with emotional trauma that could last a lifetime. If this woman is so unhappy in her marriage, then she can request divorce, end the relationship with her husband in a decent way, and arrange child custody so that their child can still have a stable relationship with both parents.

    If this woman were to get divorced and complete her 'iddah (if applicable), then the two of you could consider marriage. But this doesn't mean you have the right to carry on a haraam relationship that involves her cheating on her husband.

    You mentioned in your post that you don't want to do anything against religion or to hurt anyone's feelings. It's kind of too late for that. Having a haraam relationship with another man's wife is a sin - the two of you need to repent for this and stop it. As for hurting feelings, whatever happens now, people's feelings are going to be hurt - her husband's, her daughter's, her own, your own... All you can do is make sure that your actions from now on follow Islamic guidance and focus on setting things right.

    Stop this affair and repent. If she gets a divorce and completes her 'iddah, you could approach her wali with a proposal. Until then, step away from this mess and focus on getting yourself back on the straight path.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. Wonder who puts the dp images for the posts. It suits really well.

  7. To put it bluntly what your doing is wrong! Do you even realise the consequence of an extra marital affair on the innocent spouse !? Leave her alone! She clearly has poor morals and so do you for encouraging the affair. Why is she telling you about her intimate details with Her husband - how would you like it if you were married and your wife was discussing private matters with some random man and romantically involved with him.

    What kind of a woman leaves her child to be with a man who refused to marry her in the first place ? Leave her alone, let her live her life with her husband - he is clearly a good husband, I feel sorry for him to have ended up with a woman like her. But it's not helping that your interfering and coming in between a husband a wife, like the devil does. She wanted to marry you previously but u declined, you missed ur chance now let her be and hope inshaAllah she develops love in her heart for her husband and maintains her marriage.

    Also will u really be able to trust a woman like her ? A woman who is not only leaving a husband she can't fault but also her own child ??? Have u ever seen a mother leave her child, if she has the heart to do that, what makes u think she won't leave u when she feels like it ? She sounds so cruel and heartless.

    Anyway bottom line is leave her alone, think of her husband, if he finds out it will break him and he doesn't deserve this because clearly he loves her.

  8. OP: we were and are romantically linked to each other and crossed our limits on phone many times even when we met we almost touched limits but not completely crossed...but I don't want to commit anything against religion or to hurt anyone's feelings....

    So you think by having an affair with a married woman you are not going against a religion or hurting any one's feelings. You have almost touched her limits but not completely clossed the limits. You did not cross because both of you are very religious.

    Why don't you find a single girl, get married and cross her limits completely? Would you marry a girl whose limits have been touched by another guy?

  9. In a society there is much pressure on woman to find a suitable life partner in short time. She came to you for help and was rejected because of a financial excuse. You could have engaged first for a few years and married later. You for-feited your own chance and you may have to answer for it later on Judgement Day.

    It is narrated by Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), " Allah (mighty and sublime be He) will
    say on the Day of Resurrection: O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O
    Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that
    My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you
    would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? (Muslim)

    Your lover was forced to marry a person not of her liking only because of your refusal. The truth is really that she may never get satisfied without you but that was your own fault for considering her as a burden. You are indirectly responsible for her unsatisfied marriage life.

    I believe that you sincerely want to help her now but it is no longer your turn to be her husband. The best you can do is to help her mend her married life or wait quietly for another chance(divorce or in after-life). Since his husband loves her, it will be a sin from your part to play any part in her divorce.

    She has already a regret for being rejected by you. For the sake of Allah do not add more regrets to her list like "Loosing her child and a loving husband".

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