Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I propose to a rational agnostic person?

Assalamuvalaikum. I'm thankful to this website, it has helped me a lot to solve my personal issues. I'm again stuck in a dilemma and I need your suggestions.

I'm a 23 year old woman, who is charming, beautiful, extrovert also a hijabi. People are easily drawn towards me by my free spirit nature. I'm also indecisive and finds hard to focus on one thing.

A year ago I joined master's and met my classmate with whom I fell in love. He's a non Muslim, an agnostic person. He's an introvert, brilliant at academics, jack of all trades. As we were lab partners we became friends very soon. I found him different though I've met many people. I'm usually good at knowing people by just few talks but I couldn't understand him. Also I found something 's not normal when I realised that whenever our eyes met accidentally I used to get a strange feeling like heart pumping fast. I decided to stay away from him. I recited walahaul and astaghfirurallah whenever I got thoughts about him and got good feeling. Once when he held my hand while just talking, I was speechless and told him about my strange feeling.

Very soon we confessed that we like each other. We both were deeply in love. He was ready to believe in Islam, when I told him how our faiths can affect our relationship. He asked me to teach him about Islam. I thought he wants to accept Islam because of me. I still don't know his intentions.

He intends to be a scientist so he believes Mathematics is the supreme. Feelings, emotions are the least important in his life, but he was surprised to know that he has so strong feelings towards me.

I performed istiqara thrice. At first I couldn't know the answer. Usually I feel the answer sometimes. After second and third istiqara I felt answer is positive and also felt Allah is giving me a choice. If I wish I can go for him but I'll have to take many risks, if not I can leave. I was very disturbed for few days and told my male cousin about this (that's the mistake I did). He told my parents.

My parents were devastated to know this - firstly because they got to know from outside, secondly the man with whom I was in relationship was from outside the religion. In our society when couples get interfaith marriages (especially Hindu-Muslim), people kill those couples. I've only heard and seen this on social networking sites. I don't know whether this really happens. My parents stopped my education. As we're from respectable and quite affluent family, my parents feared people's reaction and as also it is not allowed in Islam too.

I'm trying to be a pious person, even he knew very well from the beginning that Islam is my first priority. I realised it's not going to work out so we broke up. I tried my best to move on. After six months, When he was almost out of my mind and heart, I prayed a special prayer. Our moulana gave holy water on which he had blown reciting darood e shariff and other Surahs. Also a paper on which duas, tahleel were written, was dipped in that water making it holy. It is believed that it'll remove evil spirits, evil thoughts and shortcomings for my marriage. I took bath from that water and offered Salah. I offered istiqara again asking is he the right person.. I didn't see any negative feelings.

Now again I was thinking about him. We had come in contact too. One day I told him that can't we be together again. He avoided me. Didn't like talking about that. I'm sure he did like that because he was deeply hurt by the break up and had moved on (I think he has moved on). For him, his work is important and didn't want to get distracted.

If you know Myers-Briggs personality test, it'll help you to understand our natures and story. He's an INTJ and I'm an ENFP. It is said that INTJ-ENFP pair is the ideal match, made in heaven.

I'm pretty sure if I talk to him and propose him he'll come back. He's a kind of person who can keep me sane, help me to stay focused. All these years I was looking for a person like him so I don't want to lose him. My question is it a right thing to approach him? Can we both get married? What should I do now? I'm not able to accept any other marriage proposals and not able to forget him. My parents want me to get married but I'm stuck.


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaam. My heart breaks for your situation it must be tough but take it from a 25 year old divorcee. Things arent always what they seem on the outset. There are a few things to consider here: do you want to be with him. Then if you do, would he be willing to become a muslim for you? It seems in a way he gave you a way out by leaving you alone and you seem to be repicking at that wound. Then if he was in love with you enough to become a muslim would you then risk it all? Islamically you can marry whom you want if he is a muslim and you are happy. Islam does not look at race or culture. Being with him as a non muslim is a romanticized thing to think of. If you would not risk upsetting your family it is better to let it lie. It is not fair to speak to him again and re enter in his life only to not be with him. Also remember shaitaan will want you to continue in a pursuit of haram love. Love is beautiful when done properly and it sounds like you knew him well, and are not being unsensible about it. looking up types of personality sounds great but trust me in marriage half of those things dont account for much. Also someone becoming muslim for you must be from their heart as someone just becoming muslim soon stop practicing once they have the spouse. I have met many good hearted non muslim men at work etc but i would not chase it as i know i would want someone who is muslim from their heart and for Allah not because I am making them be that way. Its your call and ultimately your life. if you decide not to pursue it, dont waste time and hurt him or yourself by engaging him again.

  2. wa alaikum salaam wrw
    Sooory sister---
    A pious women will never never never approach/want to build such relationship ESPECIALLY WITH NON-MUSLIM.
    You said-islam is your priority. That is fine ---MAY ALLAH GUIDE YOU AND ALL OF US on islamic way of life.

    For th sake of your DEEN -please STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN-I understanding the DRIVES you have, but MANY SISTERS ARE REGRETTING NOW FOR THEIR DECISION on non-muslim relationships/marriage.

    Stay happy with your deen---DO NOT RUIN YOUR FUTURE/AKHEERA by choosing a nonMUSLIM in your life.

  3. Sister ,

    As you know You are not allowed to marry him as he is non muslim but your question about what if he gets converted ?
    This is very risky .We have seen in the same website people getting converted for the sake of marriage(not for Allah) and once marriage excitement is over returning to old faith as they were not convert from heart .
    So I suggest you to forget this man .A good muslimah should not talk to non mehrem men so remove all contacts and don't interact with him .

    Below posts will show you how complex your life will become if he is not a sincere converter

    I am born muslim, my husband converted just for marriage

    My husband converted but now does not believe that he is a Muslim; Is my nikah valid?

    He did a fake conversion to marry me

    • This experience happened with me. Recently I and my convert fiance broke up. After a little while I found out she left Islam shortly after we broke up. I realized that Allah knew her heart and faith was only for me and not for His sake.. So Alhamdulillah He saved me. I thank Him every minute in everyday for taking care of me when I was heading for a depressed life.

  4. One more to add

    Myers-Briggs personality test has its own flaws and just a theoretical approach which can take U Turn another day .I am really surprised to see you are using this test for your marriage .This shows you are not a practical person .

    This test results are void and null if you are talking about marriage which is a total different ball game together . Marriage is a big complex thing .We have seen people who felt they are so much in common before marriage got divorce within short time .

    Here first check list is failed as he is a non muslim so i sugegst you to forget him and move on in life .I think you need to join some islamic classes and stay in a good group rather than company of these type of people . May Allah keep you on a right track .

  5. Aslm. Alkm. Sis.
    I'm sorry for your situation coz i know how u feel. I've been in a similar situation before only that mine is that we both Muslims. My advice to you is that: islamically you aren't allowed to marry a non Muslim man, and if he's converting, is it for your sake or for the sake of Allah. If it's for your sake, then you're just wasting your time. So please stay away for this guy. There are many practicing Muslims guys who will marry you and treat you well. It will take time but I'm pretty sure you'll be O.K. and lastly please don't disobey your parents, with Allah's blessings they are the living soul that brought you to this world and make you who you are today. May Allah guide us.

    • what kind of situation is yours when your one is a Muslim. the sister cant marry the person coz he is agnostic.
      we are not allowed to marry non muslim (atheists and agnostics).

  6. I think you need to find out if he will convert to Islam, before you make any further decisions. If so, you can have your nikkah and start your life together.

    You have also engaged in some superstitious behaviour. Dipping a paper with dua on it into water does not make that water "holy". Bathing in it is not a spiritual exercise - your only spiritual exercise is salaat, dua, fasting, zakat etc.

    I hope it turns out well for you.

    • I don't know what is in your heart or anybody else heart!!! I'll be honest with you a few of my couisns ran off with non Muslims men thought that was there dream husbands there world was them!!! Sweet talk to them!! Afther one year one of my cousin came back home her husband left her with 2 kids she was going to be homeless she put her family thur a lot ontill her parents took her back with her she is a single mother nobody from my country want to ask her for marriage, she regret what ever she has my point is please marry a Muslim brother that will take care of you for the rest of your life and who pray and fast to Allah. Must Muslim men are really nice and Insallah you will find one soon.

      • Iraqigirl: non Muslims men thought that was there dream husbands there world was them!!! Sweet talk to them!! After one year one of my cousin came back home her husband left her.... .

        I know personally about at least 5 interfaith couples in USA who seem to have normal lives better than average marriage. Many Muslim men also use Muslim and non-Muslim girls for fun.

        One reason people marry in their families is if one man divorces his wife, his sister or aunt is divorced in exchange. It is hard to divorce your cousin, but cousin marriages are producing more kids with inherited birth defects/diseases.

        To OP: Ask your parents to find a good religious man with a good job for you. Don't marry your cousin.

  7. Asalamu Alaykom

    I'm a 26 year old man. Since about a year I met a girl whom sounded very interested in Islam, and then she converted and said she "Loves" everything about Islam and faith in the one true God. After a little while we got engaged and wanted an Islamic halal marriage and life. Recently her excitement about this relationship started to fade away, and SO did her faith. We broke up recently (after believing we can never be/live without each other). And recently I knew she reverted back out of islam. When I had a conversation with he why she reverted, all I realized that she has never accepted islam purely for Allah. And now she went back to her previous type of life!!! Please be careful and know that those above brothers and sisters's experiences and stories are real, no matter how much we believed in " Love's" power. Faith, morals and manners are the top priority and are the basic stone for a happy and blessed marriage.

  8. As salamu Alaiqun

    You are in love with a man whom you identify as – rational agnostic. According to dictionary, It means - He is a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

    In short – he does not believe in God

    You can propose and marry anyone you like. But as you are a Muslim and want to remain one – you can NOT marry a person who does not believe in God. Your boyfriend must at least believe – Allah is one and only God. Otherwise it is NOT permissible NOT Islam to marry him. You know how important it is to remaining Muslim. But for an agnostic, it is not important to remain agnostic. So ask your boyfriend, tell him to accept Islam. If he really loves you, he will do that. If he doesn’t then find another good man and consider it as your test of Imam (faith)

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