Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I still be physically intimate with my boyfriend, knowing we’ll get married in future?

Interactions between the engaged couple

Assalamo alaykom!

I am a university student studying abroad and I met a man who is also muslim and religious like me. We became friends and now we are in love with each other and plan to get engaged towards the end of our education, which is in about 3 years. Our relationship began to become physical ( going as far as oral sex) and we sleep over at each others rooms but we have not gone as far as "normal" sex and we are both determined not to do it before marriage. We have talked about cutting down on the physical relationship however it intimidates us that our feelings for each other may disappear if we do not have this emotional relationship for 3 years!

My question is, would it be acceptable if we continue the way we are now, knowing that we WILL get married in 3 years? Also knowing that it is unlikely that our feelings will stay the same in 3 years if we break up now? We think that having a "friendly" relationship where no physical contact occurs will make us become more like friends instead of a couple.

I would like to emphasize that it is 110% certain that we will get married because we are perfect for each other and he has also helped me into the right path to islam and alhamdullah i have started to wear the hijab thanks to him.

maryam


Tagged as: , , , , , ,

10 Responses »

  1. بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

    الحمد لله رب العالمين

    There is either a marriage contract or there isn't. Time is in the hands of Allah. Do not presume upon time.

    Allah is time. So do not abuse time.

    About oral sex the Greeks and the Romans did it. Do you see any living remnant of them.

    Marriage in Islam is the coming together of the heavens and the earths by one command "Be." Would you destroy yourselves and the future of any children by an intimacy outside of The Law?

    The woman is always the loser no matter her religion. When a girl or woman be it that case gives her maidenhead she belongs to that man physically emotionally. Make sure you are within the Law. Or else you will live with women hardened of heart Unbelievers. A pariah (outcast) in Islam. An outcast to life.

    Bismillahو الحمد لله رب العالمين

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    In your heart, you probably already know the answer to your question.

    Islamically, you should not be physically or emotionally intimate with anyone other than your husband as established by nikah. Pre-marital relationships aren't accepted in Islam, and can be a major source of heartache and distress.

    If you and this boy wish to become halal for each other, you could approach the situation in an Islamically appropriate way, with him asking your parents for permission to marry you. Nikah doesn't mean you have to move in together straight away, have a house and children immediately - it means that you are Islamically husband and wife, and can spend time together. You could always agree that you would move in together after finishing your education, and continue to live separately during your studies.

    You say that you know the two of you will definitely marry, but how can anyone be sure of the future? The future is known only to Allah. Even within your own post, you raise the suggestion of the two of you not being able to stay together without physical intimacy, which suggests that you are aware that the future is unpredictable and we cannot control it. How can it be 110% certain that you will marry this boy, when in the previous sentence in your post you write that you believe spending time without physical intimacy could well end your relationship?

    This life is short, and we do not know when our time here will end; don't take the risk of intentionally committing a major sin which you may or may not have the opportunity to repent for - strive to ensure that when you stand before Allah, you can do so with a clear conscience, knowing you have lived a lifestyle in accordance with His teachings.

    May Allah guide you both to the straight path.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. he has also helped me into the right path to islam and alhamdullah i have started to wear the hijab thanks to him.

    is he the one who suggested "oral sex'? It is nice to know both of you are very religious.

    You already had oral sex why not get married now. Some times all of sudden boys get forced to marry their cousins

    • SVS, make your point without sarcasm. Sarcasm is unhelpful by nature, as it only turns the person away from what you are saying. Is your goal to advise, or to score a debate point?

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Pre- marital sex is Haram in Islam. But, Allah says in Quran that His followers do commit sins but seek repentance from Him. They both are religious because atleast they chose Muslims as their partners despite living among non-Muslims. He is guiding her in Deen. But, still could not control his emotions. Many Muslim girls who are unable to control their feelings choose non-Muslims as their partners. It is the biggest Haram. So, i believe he has saved her from hell. I would advise him to marry her in the presence of two Muslim men to make this union legal and marry her later if their parents insisted.

  4. ASSALAMALAIKUM-

    I would like to emphasize that it is 110% certain that we will get married because we are perfect for each other and he has also helped me into the right path to islam and alhamdullah i have started to wear the hijab thanks to him.
    Seasons of sin -How a Glance becomes Despair COME NOT NIGH HEAR ADULTERY-QURANS DIRECT POINT.
    DEAR YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO A PUNISHMENT THAT IS DECLARED IN ISLAM AS STONE TO DEATH-
    We’ve all heard of the seven deadly sins, but in reality their number is not limited to seven. Abdullah ibn 'Abbas said: "Seventy is closer to their number than seven". A major sin is one for which the Quran/Sunnah prescribes a punishment in this life and in the next, or that sin for which the sinner has incurred a curse by Allah or the Messenger (sal-Allahu alayhi wa-sallam).
    THIS IS TOTALLY VERY ODD CASE OF YOURS YOU USE THE WORDS HE SHOWN THE RIGHT PATH TO ISLAM AND BOTH ARE LIVING UNDER THE WRONG PATH TOTALLY AGAINST ISLAM IT LOOKS AS IF ALLAH FIXES A RULE THAT PRE-MARITAL RELATIONSHIP IS HARAM AND YOU INDULGE UPTO THE EXTENT OF LYING ON EACH OTHER EXCEPT FOR FINAL SEX ACT AND THEN ASSUME YOU BOTH ARE VERY GOOD MUSLIMS AND USE EVEN THE WORD ALHAMDULLAH SO MANY TIMS IN YR LETTER-
    Our relationship began to become physical ( going as far as oral sex) and we sleep over at each others rooms but we have not gone as far as "normal" sex and we are both determined not to do it before marriage.JOLLY GOOD RULE MAKERS YOU BOTH ARE-
    Remember, Allah(swt) did not just say, 'Don't have unlawful sexual intercourse, He(swt) warned us against even 'coming near' it! Because you continued ignoring this, you were no longer able to see or hear the light or truth, you became confused. Some of you hated doing those bad things, but your goal had become only to please your girlfriend/boyfriend. Some of you enjoyed sinning and became slave to your lower desires. Either way, you became a slave to other than Allah, thereby committing indirect shirk.

    YOU BREAK THE RULES WITH SO GREAT PHRASE ALHUMDULLILAH AND THIS IS THE MAIN CAUSE OF YOUR DELUSION THAT YOU ARE NOT WANTING TO UNDERSTAND THE DEPTH OF THE HIGHEST FORM OF SIN WHICH IS PERFORMED BY YOU AND LOOKS SIMPLE [ORAL SEX]VERY ASTONISHING-
    Throw out the bad seeds and remove all traces of the thorny stem that spread so deep within your soul. Plant a single seed of goodness and the new flowers will begin to blossom again. Listen to your conscience, 'that' is the good thought that will help you smile once more - just accept the call of Allah and turn back to him through sincere Tawbah.
    So my brother, my sister - check yourselves every night before you sleep. Ask yourself this: 'What did I do today that was wrong? And what can I do now to put things right?'
    Nip it in the bud, don't let that 'glance' turn to 'despair'.

    If you avoid the major (part) of what you have been forbidden (to do), We will cancel out for you your (other) evil deeds and will admit you (to Paradise) with a noble entry. (al-Nisa 4:31)
    YR IMAN IS TAKEN AWAY AS LONG AS YOU INDULGE IN HARAM RELATIONSHIP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS 90% READY AND JUST ONE PUSH IT BECOME ADUKTERY-AND YOU ARE JUST 10%LESS TO REACH THE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE-NEXT TIME THAT WILL ALSO HAPPEN-
    Hadith - Sahih Bukhari 8.800B, Narrated Ikrima from Ibn Abbas
    Allah's Apostle Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said, "When a slave (of Allah) commits illegal sexual intercourse, he is not a believer at the time of committing it; and if he steals, he is not a believer at the time of stealing; and if he drinks an alcoholic drink, when he is not a believer at the time of drinking it; and he is not a believer when he commits a murder." 'Ikrima said: I asked Ibn Abbas, "How is faith taken away from him?" He said, Like this," by clasping his hands and then separating them, and added, "But if he repents, faith returns to him like this," by clasping his hands again.

  5. As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu..

    Now Sister, you know better...Honey, the loopholes I used to try to find were way worse...lol.

    Ok, ask yourself this....If we have sex before marriage and during or immediately after sex, Allah decides to take your soul. You died unmarried and fornicating. What condition do you think you would be in? Or what if your bf woke up the next morning and didn't want you anymore. Husbands and wives all around the world wake up and suddenly don't want their spouses anymore, so with a bf what leverage to you have, what's to call him back, you aren't his wife or anything?

    Stop trying to find loopholes...been there, done that and it ALWAYS leads to trouble. Allah knows best.

    Ahabek fisibilillah!

    As Salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

  6. Assalam alaikum Maryum,

    You wrote:

    My question is, would it be acceptable if we continue the way we are now, knowing that we WILL get married in 3 years? Also knowing that it is unlikely that our feelings will stay the same in 3 years if we break up now? We think that having a "friendly" relationship where no physical contact occurs will make us become more like friends instead of a couple.

    If I understand correctly, you are saying that if the both of you stop having a physical relationship, your relationship will end. I have to agree 100% with you. That is because your relationship is based on physical contact 110%. A husband and wife relationship isn't based on physical intimacy alone and furthermore, physical intimacy is a RESPONSIBILITY--not just for pleasure.

    Imagine trying to convince a police officer that you are an excellent driver without a driving license and don't need one or will just get it later. You might very well be a good driver, but it is illegal to operate a vehicle without a license--so your license to physical intimacy is a marriage contract, Nikaah, and without it, you and your boyfriend are 110% are committing illegal relations with one another and overstepping the boundaries set by Allah swt.

    Frankly, no matter how close he has brought you to Allah swt, I don't believe he isn't using you. If he truly was guiding you onto the straight path, he wouldn't even fully glance at you, let alone be physical with you. Both you and him are being tricked by the thoughts/whispered to you that you are on the Deen, so some transgression is alright--and it simply isn't. If you both want to enjoy the physical intimacy of marriage, you have to get married now otherwise, you should break complete contact to the point that you can't be friends. Also, why have you avoided "normal" sex?--isn't it because you know it is wrong. I hope that you a realize that you are playing a game with Allah swt by trying to justify committing what you think is a "smaller" sin, when in fact, even going near zina is a sin.

    So finally, to answer your question: No, you can't have a physical relationship and furthermore, you don't know the percentage of anything with respect to tomorrow--you can't claim that you will get married 110%--all the people who were sure they would get married and then engaged in haram, surely found out that their reality was some other bitter truth. How do you even know that you will live another 3 years?

    I sincerely hope that both of you marry immediately and make tawbah for your transgressions. May Allah guide you both, Ameen.

  7. OP: I would like to emphasize that it is 110% certain that we will get married because we are perfect for each other and he has also helped me into the right path to islam and alhamdullah i have started to wear the hijab thanks to him.

    Just curious are you still together.

  8. Dear sister,

    Firstly, its not the physical and intimacy that brings people together. Its about having respect and the love and care that both of you for each other. If you both care and love each other and do have feelings, you will not lose each other. You can go out on trips spend time with each other (halal way) ways. If you have a fear that without the intimacy he will break up with you, then maybe he is not the right one for you. Consider your feelings towards this person and also talk to him about his and you can then take things further.

    Secondly, you can move the marriage date earlier, as you said '' you are a 110% ( by the way you should have said Inshallah) perfect for each other. Knowing this, you should bring the marriage date earlier to avoid sinning and committing zina.

    Thank You

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply