Can I trust her when she says I am her first?
My story is a little complicated so I’ll try to un-complicate it as much as I can.
I got into a relationship and told the girl all about my past, she claimed to have told me all as well. We got close and committed zina. There was no blood the first time and she said that she had not been with anyone before. She later on told me that she had been abused at the age of under 10. She also told me some other minor things which she hid from me earlier and still claims that I am the first one in her life.
I am deeply troubled. Firstly for committing zina for which I keep asking God for forgiveness and secondly, I want to but don’t know how to trust this girl because earlier she even swore on the Quran and I can’t get these thoughts out of my head.
I really need help as I don’t know whether to trust her and marry her or ... I don’t know. Please help. I feel responsible as well for if she is telling the truth then I don’t want to step away after getting so close.
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Salaam Brother,
I understand that you are having issues regarding the trustworthiness of this girl. It is quite usual for people to edit their pasts to make themselves more appealing to a future spouse. It could be that she is being honest in telling you that she was molested at a young age - which would have taken great courage and strength, or it could be that she made up a story to cover up another sin. I am afraid there is no way of knowing, and naturally, when you are in a sinful relationship with someone, trust is a difficult emotion to feel.
Signs of a trustworthy person lie in their subconscious actions, the non-obvious actions. That they are people of their word, they do what they said they would do, they arrive when they said they would arrive, they do not backbite people, they are by nature kind and courteous to everyone (waitress, shopkeeper, neighbour, bus driver) - they are just naturally good, forgiving and accepting people. They are defensive of those they love and have close, long lasting friendships with people.
If there is nothing that she can do to persuade you of her honesty, if no promise, no prayer, no deed will comfort you, then the best thing for you to do is to take a break from her and conduct your life for a few weeks as if she were not in it. During this time, pray, read the Quran, fast and concentrate on your deen. Repent for your sins and ask Allah for guidance.
As you are doing these exercises,and taking this break from her, imagine that during this time she has met a good Muslim man, who accepts her, her history and her way of being and she is going to marry him instead of you. Imagine yourself hearing that news, and ask yourself what would you have lost. This is a good way of understanding your real feelings and understanding if you can get over it or no.
Peace,
L
Troubledsoul, you need a serious wake up call. There are many thoughts on my mind after reading your post, so I will try to break them down:
1. You are being hypocritical. You committed zinaa with this girl, which is a serious sin before Allah, and now you are judging her because of the same thing.
2. Ninety nine percent of the time, when women say they have been abused or molested as children, they are telling the truth. You should believe her on this. Things like this are very traumatic and troubling and it's not surprising that she did not tell you at first. Furthermore, telling you was an act of bravery on her part. She was placing trust in you by telling you such a painful thing. And instead of supporting and comforting her, you are judging her again and suspecting her.
To be quite honest, brother, you have behaved poorly in this situation. Your jealousy and suspicion have gotten the better of you.
I was in a similar situation, where a woman I loved told me about something like this from her past. She was doubly traumatized because no one else believed her, not even her parents. For a long time I did not know what to think, because the person she accused was a good friend of mine, someone who had been loyal to me for many years. I confronted him and he denied it but not a in a clear way. Still I did not know what to believe. Finally I somehow arrived at the truth in my heart and I believed her, with no hesitation or reservation. Years later I confronted my friend (ex-friend) again, and finally he confessed. So all these years no one had believed her, and she was telling the truth.
I hope you will not make the same mistake I did.
3. She did not lie to you. When she said she has not been with anyone before, she told the truth. Being sexually molested does not count as "being with" someone. It is not sex. It is abuse.
It sounds like you have made tawbah for the zinaa you committed, and that's good. Now I suggest that you marry this woman and stop being suspicious. I believe she is telling you the truth. Encourage her to speak to a therapist about her past, so she can deal with what happened and overcome it. Help her also to be a stronger Muslim. The two of you can walk together on the path of learning and practicing the faith.
I completely agree with Leyla and Wael.
The first thing that came to my mind was that you were being very hypocritical as you both committed zina, so I didnt understand why you were judging her on the same 'act'. Furthermore, that this girl must have had to build up a lot of courage to confide in you about being sexually abused.
'Troubledsoul' - being a girl's 'first time' does not mean you have landed '1st prize', but unfortunately many men seem to have this shallow way of thinking. This girl could have been through so many difficult experiences and it is not your duty to go fishing into her private life - leave her with some dignity. Her past is her past and is between herself and Allah.
Be a man. Both of you repent and turn towards Allah and then maybe you will feel less troubled.
SisterZ
Marry her,love her, trust her and respect, her, Brother. May allah forgive you both and guide and support you. Pray five times daily. study your islam.
Troubled soul,
Did u want to be the first? from what u have wriiten u really want to enjoy being her first but not at all worried that u committed zina
U have to understand that what she said to u, was indeed a very brave act and i applaud her courage. Being the first has many meanings, by heart is the most important. When she beleived u, trusted and respected u with all her heart she agreed to have sex with u, and now u are worried that there was no blood??
If u really loved her, u wont care about the blood and talk for help, but u would support her and understand her. We humans are created to be in pairs, everything in this world created has a pair, if u cant understand her, u r a cheat to her life and u might broke her heart.
Never break a womans heart, for they have been created from the bone of the rib cage of a man, that bone is slightly bended, thats why their character might lead us to question their trust etc, but we need to accept them how they are.
Brother86
The notion that muslim men are somehow more trustworthy than women is so utterly laughable, and completely disproven, when visiting any muslim country, you should be ashamed of yourself.
"thats why their character might lead us to question their trust etc"....
Get real brother. The person writing in for help with his attitude worthy of a maggot, isn't helped by your deranged ideas about womens character. He's making a fool of himself, has a head full of dangerous and abusive beliefs and values, and you will have us believe that womens characters are somehow to blame ?
Man o man, we have sunken so very low. Please, Islam need not be disgraced further. And let's not be pretending that your advice for the girl would have included a mention of death by stoning or the like. How obviously abusive is the advice on this site.
Is someone paying you money to smear Islam or something.... moderators, you have my e-mail details, and if you (predictably) decide to hide my critique, perhaps you will honour yourselves a little at least, by getting in touch with me, where others cannot see you.
Yar-hamuka-l-lah
Sincerely, Lars
Lars, I think your comments about this website are a lot of nonsense.
You say, "How obviously abusive is the advice on this site."
Leyla, the first to reply, said, "It could be that she is being honest in telling you that she was molested at a young age - which would have taken great courage and strength, or it could be that she made up a story to cover up another sin. I am afraid there is no way of knowing."
That's honest advice from someone who can't read minds and is doing her best to be objective.
I was next, I told the brother that he was being hypocritical, that his jealousy and suspicion had gotten the better of him, and that he should trust the woman, believe her, and stop being suspicious.
SisterZ echoed my comments and said, "This girl could have been through so many difficult experiences and it is not your duty to go fishing into her private life - leave her with some dignity. Her past is her past and is between herself and Allah."
Abusive? Seems very supportive of the woman to me.
AbuAamad said, "Marry her,love her, trust her and respect, her..."
Oh yes, that's so abusive, isn't it?
Brother86 said, "If u really loved her, u wont care about the blood and talk for help, but u would support her and understand her."
Is that abusive?
Lars, you picked up on one slightly paternalistic comment by one person, and made a court case out of it, ignoring all the other advice that was given, and turning into a "disgrace" for Islam! SubhanAllah!
If anyone is being paid to smear Islam, it is clearly you. You speak as if you are a Muslim, or you want to us to believe you are a Muslim, but then you end your comments with "yarhamukAllah", which is what Muslims say to someone when he sneezes.
I think you are a troll.
I did not hide your "critique" as you predicted, but the amount of nonsense and trolling I will allow is VERY limited. You are free to continue commenting if you shape up and at least make some pretense at being objective or helpful.
However, I did not allow your comment on the post titled, "Cybersex fear and guilt" because it was abusive toward the editors and toward this website. I'm not saying your comment was not without merit, in fact you made a valid point, but you also insulted our editors and that is not acceptable. You called one of the editors "braindead, miserable, ungodly, cold-hearted..." If you think you can come to our website and insult us, and we will just take it in the name of being open minded, you are wrong.
I am placing your future comments on moderated status, so watch yourself.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Greetings Wael
Thank you for your reply. You make a good point. It has been some time since this comment was posted, and I only found it now quiet accidentaly.
I tend to agree with your reply, and there for offer you my apollogy sincerely. My comment was strong, and entirely "overkill", to say the least. Indeed, my error is as you've described it.
I regret my thoughtless words.
As for my being a "Troll", and being a muslim...I'm not so sure, but perhaps I don't understand what you mean.
From wiki..."In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion."
I certainly did not act on these described motives, foolish as I might have been never the less.
Am I a muslim...do I want you to believe that I am?
I do not "try" to give you or anyone the impression that I'm muslim, and in any case, others don't determine if I am. I decide on this for myself. That I finish with "yarhamukAllah" ( May Allah be merciful to you), hardly indicates my religious convictions, though it could hint at my background not being Arabic. I regularly communicate with a Qatari friend. We sometimes spend/waste time on my learning Arabic. I can only guess that I went to my list of phrases and words of interest.
In any case, I meant no harm, and I can promise to be more courtious and thoughtful when commenting on this site. As I ought to be.
I wish you well. Sincerely.
Lars.
Lars, apology accepted. It takes an open minded and honest man to admit a mistake.
It's no problem that you are not a Muslim, you are still welcome to share your opinions here. And I was wrong about you being a troll, it seems (yes, the definition from wiki is correct).
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
U should worry about how u committed zina, not if u were the first for her! Plus u said she swore on the quran, wat else u want. Repent and ask forgiveness. And if u still got feelings for her marry her and live a happy life.
I asked a question on the opposite end of yours, my fiance doesnt trust me basically because I had a boyfriend and he cant believe that I didnt have any sexual relations with him- and I REALLY DIDNT!!! he doesnt think its possible for an american girl to be good I suppose, and I have an outstanding academic background and was always busy and reliable and I have an excellent career so I have done the right things in life! I think its sad that women like myself and your girlfriend are doubted....I think people that cant trust others are the ones that need to be analyzed. Its not up to us to judge others, and virginity is sacred but its not 100% of who we are! The Prophet PBUH only had one wife that was not either a widow or divorced and he loved those who came to him as non-virgins, so how can WE expect more than what he did!? If you cant trust her leave her, dont waste her time or yours. My fiance killed me- I dont think I will ever fall in love again and I will always be sad that he didnt believe in me.
***correction ex- fiance 🙁
The very first response of sister z is correct. I was reading the description of the honest person that she gave. This is a description of me when I met my husband. This is correct. You have to see her other behaviors like the one the sister descibed to judge her.
I know of two girls who were virgins before marriage, and I know they were virgins and never even had boyfreinds or relationships. They didn't bleed. Some people don't bleed.
A liar is one who has a hard time trusting you, who gets defensive right away when you say something. I guess sister z would know all the traits of a liar.
When I was newly married, I was an honest type of person. I know a husband who would not believe his wife when people would lie about her or when she would talk about herself. This hurt in the begining, and now at this point she can never have the same respect or trust that she had for him. So if she is honest, don't bother her or remind her or ask her about her virginity again. Show her you trust her, or you might lose her trust and respect forever. It's not fun living with a wife who doesn't trust/respect you.
Don't be like the husband who tells his wife, "your father can't be a molester", "you're lying about my mother", you don't understand your mother". .....When she tells you of her past traumas like the sexual abuse, or about people who have mistreated her, don't blame her. Sympathize with her and show her you care about her feelings and you will not hurt her but be the prince who rescues her to happily ever after.