Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can we marry secretly then tell our parents?

secret nikah


There's something worrying me badly since a month. I really love this guy who is mA sha Allah very honest, loving, caring to me. Always gives me good advice and makes me a better person. He lost his brother a year ago who was younger than him. And now his parents are very shocked. After losing him, the third month after that he visited me and my parents with them. It was a good meeting but I found his parents really cold towards me. My parents accepted my choice without any objection and actually started thinking of my marriage. Problem is, they never called back.

My guy told me they were waiting for my parents to call which was stupid but I still made my mother call. His mother didn't pick up. Now he knows his parents were only fooling him.

He's tried taming their attitude but no use. He even thought of suicide but I stopped him. He has never disobeyed them and his stance right now is being ignored by them because they think I'm highly educated and wouldn't run a household, I won't be a good mother, they also are very rich so they want a family of their status.

He is the only son and they say I've trapped him. So we are thinking of marrying secretly and then telling them. Is it okay for us? I know my parents will be sad but I'm really confused because I don't want to lose him.



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6 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister

    Do not marry secretly when your parents are on your side. Ask your male partner to write up the exact

    reasons in detail of the objection of his parents. Kindly be honest with us. Do not hide any point.

    Also ask your male partner to find an elder in his family or a local imam or mufti to convince his parents.

  2. You need to understand that is a grieving period when someone you loved has died. That period can be very various to different persons and it depends on many matters to heal.

    For your case, after 3 months of loosing the younger brother and the only son wants to marry; it is understandable that the result was turning negative, not good.

    May I ask if there is any rush to this marriage? I would give at least a year for the poor couple to heal before proposing to marry you. I think it is just being sensitive and considerate to their situation. During this year, you may also like to visit them and be part of the healing process; which mean you show your love and kindness to their family. It may give the couple hope that you are not taking away their only son and a chance for them to understand you more.

    After a year of waiting, if they still insist to look for someone who have equally "rich" status; then it is your future husband call to stand firm for you. However, there is a chance that during this year of waiting period, they will get to know you more and inshallah will like you to be their future daughter in law.

    I am a strong opposer of doing something secretly because you are not solving a problem but avoiding a problem. That problem will still persist and will come back to haunt you in your life.

    Be patient. I do not understand why by not marrying you now will make him commit suicide? By considering suicide is also an act of avoiding problem and not respecting what Allah preordains for us. Trust HIM, Allah will take you through this situation.

  3. There is no rush. But it's going to be two years next year and I have provided them ample time to recover. I just can't stand being the delayer and I regret it so much that my parents are doing so much and I'm not providing any solution.
    He says that his parents are very religious and very intelligent mA sha Allah but try can't stand the fact that he chose a girl by himself. I don't want their stubbornness to harm my life and my parents lives. They've already waited enough.

  4. I spent about an hour thinking about his parents .......and I feel that they might be angry first but in a day they wight accept you.

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