Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can never be the daughter my mother wants

Unhappy young woman

I will never become that daughter my parents want to become because their harsh way of what love means for example I curse to pit hell and one and your useless like what the heck and expect thing of me and decide my destiny in life

especially my mother who I argue with a lot about little things and when I do something nice for her its never good enough she says things like everyone has kids why is wrong with this one

my sister all are better then me in everything like brain mature and religious what expect in muslim daughter

speak of kids I don't want to get married because I don't want have kids because she curse me saying I'm gonna have kids who are far beyond worst then me

really traditional parents are hasid I not sayong I want to be a american american teenager but I have feelings and I do backbicker at her because I'm a human being who has feelings

wallahi its not fair i and think I not go to jannah because ytou have to respect your parents I try over and over again to ignore her mean thoughts she blame for things I don't do and I say your not allah you don't see everything and I get in trouble for it

my brother who way more bad than me I know not to judge but its the truth get respect way better than me , my mom doesn't know anything about me I try to understand her yet I'm the horrible daughther I wish her words weren't true but they are

- sharifawo

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18 Responses »

  1. Sister, As-salamu alaykum,

    It can be very bitter when our parents don't approve of us, are not proud of us, and don't even seem to like it. My advice to you is not to talk back to your mother. As hard as it is, you must accept that fact that you will never be able to please your mother. You have to get to a place in your heart where the only approval you need is the approval of Allah, and the approval of your own conscience. Write down some affirmations for yourself and read them every day:

    "I am a worthwhile human being. My life has value and purpose."
    "I am a good person."
    "I am a good Muslim and I believe that Allah will guide me to what is best."
    "I have a bright future Insha'Allah."

    At that same time, when your mother says something to you like, "You are useless," you can tell her calmly and seriously, "Mother it hurts me when you say such things." If she listens and stops saying them, Alhamdulillah, if not then ma-sha-Allah just continue with your affirmations.

    I know we all want our parents approval, but sometimes we have to accept that they are not capable of giving it. They are human beings with flaws and problems of their own. Sometimes they just can't give us what we need.

    In an environment where others do not value you, you must value yourself.

    Wael Editor

    • I have a similar problem and your answer helped me a lot. I am confused about one point though. I try so hard to be nice to my mother who hates me and never changed in her disrespectful and demeaning behavior to me, but sometimes I lose my patience and Iam not kind to her. Since the Quran has several passages saying we should be kind to our parents, I feel like a horrible Muslim and human when I do not behave kindly to my mother, who has in the past hurt me in a million ways and continues to affect me with her anxiety and lack of basic respect let alone lack of love and affection. How can I find peace with this really torturous situation? It is hard to be kind to your abuser all the time.

      • Najaf, you cannot control your mother, but you can control yourself. First, try to minimize the time that you spend around your mother, and avoid doing or saying the things that you know will set her off. I'm not saying you should neglect her, but if you live in the home with her then find outside hobbies to occupy some of your time.

        As I said to sister Sharifa, you must define yourself by your own standards, outside of your mother's negativity.

        Wael Editor

  2. Dear Sis,
    Asslamu alykum.
    Dont feel bad about yourself,you can be a good daughter if u wish,no mother is selfish but its the way you think,she is doing it to you because she wants you to be a good person,she wants changes from your side.
    Sis when i was in my teenage even i argued with my mum and sometimes really didnt liked her words at all,now i feel what so ever she said if i would have listened i could have been a better muslimah.i regret all the things i did in my past.i really feel pain when i recollect my memories.

    i was not a good muslimah i had affairs and my parents did came to know by,checking my phones,when i used to go out...but now the same things my brother is doing they dont care much.
    When i said to my father i loved a guy and want to get married he showed me a big knife...yes a Knife and said it will not be tolerated in this house,some things i did so bad that once my mother gave me Quran and said you have to tell the truth about how much physical i was,and i said about an kiss and just a little bit more then that which was true,she cried out so loud and she started pressing her own kneck that she dsnt want this kind of daughter she wanted to die that day i promised i wouldnt repeat but as usuall i couldnt...i cant forget that scene till today,the ugliest moment of ma life.
    Today when i am married and has a baby girl you know what my father told when he saw my daughter first that God gave u a daughter so taht you can even feel the pain what it feels when a daughte is not obeying them,he still says many times your childeren will teach you and will be 3 times more than you were to us,
    i know i have stopped all that things when i got married but i have to listen all that my mom doesnt like when he says coz she knows i am not that girl....
    I have heard who hurts there parents have to suffer punishment in this life and even after life after death,i have some problems in my life and i feel its all beacause of my deeds.
    i know i have hurted them a lot i repent truly...and i avoid there harsh words coz they are my parents and they just wanted me to be a good girl and i thought totally opposite that they are so irritating and annoying by there lectures...
    I Ask Allah for forgiveness.
    This is the time show dramatic change in yourself,when you'll get married you will not get that chances to show your respect as u will be busy in your life...Ask Allah About the love about what he says that a We the CREATOR give the love in a moms heart when the baby is in her womb...Make dua And ask for peace and love btwn both of you...
    Just be kind to them dont expect about what they respond.
    FI Amanillah.

  3. I LOVE THIS NASHEED...pls listen to it and thank Allah you have a mother ask to orphans how they feel when theres no one to fullfill there daily needs..LOVE

  4. Sister there are a few things you have to understand.
    Your parents love you.

    Try to read around the topic of communication with your parents. If you can tech yourself to communicate better with your mother, it will help.

    I will never become that daughter my parents want to become because their harsh way of what love means for example I curse to pit hell and one and your useless like what the heck and expect thing of me and decide my destiny in life” Sister stop cursing instead learn about power of patience. Patience and Gratitude by Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah

    "Especially my mother who I argue with a lot about little things and when I do something nice for her its never good enough she says things like everyone has kids why is wrong with this one." Sister you are a very special kid. It is going to be more hard work on your parents side to raise you as compared to your other brothers and sisters. But keep in mind there is more reward from Allah for your parents in raising you. Never give up hope.

    Get a diary. On the left hand side let your parents write what they want from you. On the right hand side white down what you want from your life. One the first page write down that you don’t want to discus any thing verbally with your parents on what’s in this diary. Never get angry or upset over what they write in the diary. Just reflect on what they write and in your diary entries ask your parents or even write your entries as a communication with Allah how can I do this? How can I change my self? Etc.
    This way you will have clear goals as to what your parents want from you and also what questions you have to get to those goals. If the goals does not match work it out on next few pages, do it with patient and show the love and respect you have for your family in your dairy entries.
    Read the Quran even the Prophets of Allah did not have perfect kids. All you job is to be the best kid you can be.

    You are going to be a very good mother. You have to understand being a parent or a child is never easy. The more difficult it is for you the more rewarding it is for you in this life and next. Work hard at your issues! Sister you can do it. You can learn to deal with issues in your life in a better way. You just have to be patient and teach your self the better way, and It is a life long process so never give up.
    Don’t worry about the negatives things your mother says. You will make it to higher level in Junnah that’s why your test is a little harder as compared to your other siblings.

  5. Salam everyone...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  6. How can I publish my question as a new post?

  7. Salam my Muslim brothers and sisters,
    I have similar problems with my mom, I know it's bad to talk back to your parents but I get so angry sometimes and I say things I don't mean and I regret it. I got into a big argument with my mom yesterday and she won't talk to me, I was being nice to her but she still won't talk to me. I hate when she does this because she's not acting mature at all, today she took my makeup and threw it at me and than hid my belongings, I can't stand her, I'm a good student in school, I always do my work at home and help out but she ironically treats my brother better when he curses at her and is never helping out, I really hope she comes to her senses and realizes she acting immature, she constantly calls me ugly and compares me to other girls and threatens to hit me. I have a very low self esteem because of her, I can't even look people in the eye because I feel ugly all the time. My mom also said she will kick me out of the house or make me marry some old man if I keep talking back at her. I really don't want to fight with her, I'm already having other problems in school, I'm stressed out about so many things and she doesn't even care. I'm only 17. Allah help me.

  8. MAy Allah give hidaya to those immature parents, who just ruin the life and personality of their kids.and then demand their rights.they will be asked about the rights of their kids as well.
    The only Order of Allah which i find hard is that to obey parents and treat them nicely.
    I for many years used to believe that this sin will take me to hell but i have given up now.I cannot keep thinking this, i am just helpless.
    I admit my parents have provided me shelter,food and clothes.They think this was their responsibility and nothing else.what about my emotions who would have taken care of that.What about the relationship based on trust and love with parents.Who would have tried to build it when i was too young.
    I do not love my parents at all.May Allah forgive me for this aameen.She never taught me religion, just paryer,fasting .I can never love her,may be when she dies then i cry for her but i am not really hopeful about that too.
    Even now when she is in her late forties she curses us whenever she becomes angry.Wow such a loving mother who curses her kids.
    I have been crying for years for being emotionally abused, for being neglected, for being insulted.I have never felt myself safe with my parents.This resulted in lot of bitterness in me.low self esteem, imbalanced personality, lack of self discipline and determination, vulnerability and the list goes on.So despite of being so intelligent i never got grades which i could have got.I am unsuccessful in marriage too.Nothing went well.Some times i feel that i go to them and tell them what harm they have done to my life.but i know this is not going to help.They will never admit their mistakes.
    What i want to advise you is that focus on yourself.
    read the book "seven habits of highly effective people".This will help Insha allah.
    never compare youself with are special.
    I am telling from my own experience.please focus on your studies.Make good friends who help you in your deen.
    I would recommend you to see psycho therapist.Please make your bond stronger with Allah so that Allah take care of you.
    May Allah the Almighty help you aameen.

    • Thank you for your comment, it made me feel a little better, this is the second day I've went without eating, and I'm feeling a little dizzy, she won't let me eat anything she cooks, and curses me out and forces me to clean the house, she keeps praising my younger sister and saying that she's her favorite daughter, I really hope something happens to me and then maybe she will love me.....but for now I will just keep going.

      • Assalam alaikum,

        If you are being refused food, this is clearly abuse. Talk to a counsellor.

        Also, please try to, as hard as it is, have no expectations from your mother. She isn't going to change no matter how much you change your behaviour or actions.

        Completely rely on Allah swt. The sooner you understand this, the better you will feel and peace will come to you. If you continue to seek peace and happiness from your mother, you will allow her to abuse both her power and love over you. There is no need for you to disrespect her or stop loving her, but you have to put in perspective what most people take for granted. I pray that you understand and are able to do this.

        May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

        • Assalam alaikum,

          I understand, but my mother still hates me, today there was a big fight in my family with my mom and dad, my dad broke all the plates in the kitchen and my mom started blaming me and cursing me out, because I didn't cook anything when they came home, I know girls back in my country cook and clean the whole house, but that's because they don't go to school, so they don't have that extra stress on them. She compares me to another girl who also goes to school, cooks and cleans the house, and she loves cooking, I hate when she compares me to her because I'm different, I can't be like her. Ever. But now because of this my mother hates me even more, everytime she sees me she says something really hurtful. I feel terrible, but sometimes I feel like I can't even talk or tell the hurtful truth without her or my dad getting mad at me. I'm really scared now because they're both not talking to each other and it's my fault. All my fault. I want to start praying again because I haven't in a while, I've been busy with my life but I feel so guilty of everything. Allah probably hates me for what I have done between my parents. I really wish things would go back to the way they were, I never used to get into arguments and my parents were never stressed out and angry all the time. I feel suicidel and depressed all the time now, I even attempted to run away once. Sorry this is so long, I just need someone to talk to. I can't even talk to my friends because they're all backstabbers. Thank you so much for your time.
          May allah watch over you. Ameen.

          • ur st0ry was exacty as mine but my father is nice,,can i taIk t0 u m0re bcz u r having same pr0b as mine??

          • Salaam,
            This was written a few years ago when I was 17 now I’m 21 my mom did change a little towards me but we still fight just not as often as we used to because I got a job and I helped her get a job so we’re not home often and we don’t see each other that much, we can still talk if you need anyone just to speak to you, because I know at that age I really needed someone to speak to.

          • tell me when u were 17 years old,,,did ur mother physically abused u ? did she verbally abused or emotionally abuse u ? did she try to beat u for minor things? answer me

  9. This is the first time I'm talking out an issue to people apart from my family. But I need a solution from the Islamic point of view... so please advice me on this.
    I've been having issues with my parents since my teenage.. most of them at that period, was because of my own faults.. but with time, I realized my mistakes and repented alot for the way I had behaved.. But it was ONLY through realization that I came out of what I was, and NOT because my parents beat or scolded me.. My parents think its their beating that helped me.. now Im married and have a beautiful kid, Masha Allah!

    but my problems haven't come to an end.. I love my parents alot, but never till now was I lucky enough to make them realize it.. I have anger issues.. and it happens to me when Im upset.. I get upset when my parents don't understand or don't respect the good motive behind my opinions....Especially my mother, who I have many tiny expectations from, fail to realize it and sometimes answers bluntly or harshly when I ask her for some help at times.

    I sometimes go out of my way to do things for them... but in the end all what I get to hear from them is " she doesn't do a thing" It hurts me alot.. And I yell and say many things that are piled up in me.. and by that, all the love that I have in me for them... all the support that I give them... all those ways that I've been planning to make them happy with... everything is wasted! When I react harshly the whole blame comes to me saying Im probably the worst thing that happened to them.. and my mother starts crying saying that I hurt her alot with my words... this leaves me speechless.. what about the way she reacts without a reason at all?

    I feel so guilty afterwards because I know that in Islam, its prohibited to hurt parents, especially the mother and to speak harshly to her.. I really don't want to do it but I lose my patience and can't wait till I confront her for her wrongdoings.. I do that thinking she'll understand that she is hurting me alot... but no..

    I said im sorry for yelling.. but didnt say sorry for what I said while yelling, because that was the truth that was piled up in me from various incidents... I repent sincerely for yelling and for whatever I said while yelling because it had somehow hurt them.. but I fear Allah and I feel that repenting within me may not be enough..

    are there any duas for repentance? Is there anything else i have missed, that you think I ought to do? I don't want my children to treat me harshly some day like may parents say they would.. I have always wished well for my parents and for everyone around me... Its only that I lose my temper so bad when people are unfair with me.. What my parents think and say that i am is not who I am, and never will be that person too.. they just failed to see, or rather i have failed to show them that I am that daughter they want me to be...

    • @lady sharif,i agree wd u,,,parents gets happy to say to kids tht ur kids will be worse,,,its like this sentence calm their boiling blood,,,but u always pray and make dua ur kids wont be like what they say

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