Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I cannot choose between two brothers

I cannot choose between brothers

My Istikhara Dream Has Left Me Confused

Salaam Brothers & Sisters

They are two brothers.  They both are my neighbour. One is very close friend of mine, the younger one.

But somehow, I like elder one because I saw dream about him. I said to him,  “Will you marry me?”  I asked so many times this question of him.  You are all aware of my past.  I don’t want to take risk so I did isthikhaara, asking who is better for me.  I am so confused! But now it’s a difficult situation for me.

Here is what I saw in my dream.  I saw masjid (this masjid situated at my locality).  I was with my sister & one of my friend was also with me. We entered in the masjid.  I saw people performing namaz.

I came out of the masjid. We were waiting for the namaz to be finished & I saw my neighbour house.  I said to my sister, "Let’s go his house", but she said "Not this time next time". But i really wanted to go his house (but I was thinking about her mother. If I go there her mother admonished me).   After that all men came out of the masjid & we entered the masjid.  I saw masjid, and I said to my sister “It's totally change as comparison as to before!” (yes, in my dream it's really changed).

Then I brushed my teeth in gusal area (hose area people make wazu there).  Then I was thinking about masjid imaam (hafeez sahab). Where he is? (he taught me Quran when I was kid, taught me in that masjid). Then I saw every room, no buddy there!  I saw haafiz sahib in  kitchen, so many utensils there (just like any kitchen) but know I am too confused.

I done this istikhaara reveal who is better for me? I saw this dream third day of my istikhaara. I saw their house but I didn’t see anyone’s face. I saw masjid in my dream. This masjid very near to their house. So, please help me. What I should do? I don’t want to take any decision on my own.  Because  my past is so bad, I did ishtikhaara because they both are brothers. But I saw their house, although not anyone’s face so, nothing changed. (I really need Allah’s help.  He is not telling me who is better for me. They both like me, but I am confused. That’s why I performed istikhaara. But the condition is as same as before! If anyone is able to help me, please tell me. I need help....

-Nisha

 


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalam,

    Dear sister,
    Firstly,
    there is no friendship between a boy and a girl who is not his mahram. Therefore your relation with either of them is haram.

    Secondly,
    from what I can understand above non of the two brothers proposed tou you. If that is the case, it is not proper for you to propose to them. Proposition should be done by one of the brother to your wali directly. But they cannot propose to you at the same time as this is not permitted in Islam.

    Thirtly,
    Istikhara is not valid in a haram situation, like your friendship thing.

    Jazak Allah

    • Yoda

      A woman CAN express her interest in marriage. It is not haraam.

      With regard to the idea of a Muslim woman offering herself in marriage to a righteous man, that does not contradict the idea of modesty, so long as he is trustworthy with regard to his religious commitment and moral attitude. It was narrated that Thaabit al Banaani said: "I was with Anas ibn Maalik and a daughter of his was with him. He said: 'A woman came to the Messenger of Allah (p.b.u.h.) and offered herself in marriage to him. She said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, do you want to marry me?' The daughter of Anas said: 'How little was her modesty. How shameless, how shameless!' Anas said: 'She was better than you; she had a liking for the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) so she offered herself in marriage to him.'" (al-Bukhaari 4828)

      Imam al-Bukhaari included this Hadeeth in a chapter which he entitled: "A woman offering herself in marriage to a righteous man."

      Al-Hafiz ibn Hajar said: "Ibn al-Munayyir said in al-Haashiyah: 'One of the subtle points of al-Bukhaari’s knowledge is that he from the specific story of the woman who offered herself in marriage to the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) he derived a general principle; he understood that it is permissible for any woman to offer herself in marriage to a righteous man whose righteousness she admires, and if he likes her he may marry her subject to the conditions of marriage being fulfilled.'"

      These two Ahaadeeth – the Hadeeth of Sahl and the Hadeeth of Anas, both of which mention the woman who offered herself in marriage to the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) – indicate that it is permissible for a woman to offer herself in marriage to a man, and to let him know that she has a liking for him, and there is nothing wrong with her doing so. And the one to whom a woman offers herself in marriage has the choice of either accepting or refusing, but he does not have to express his refusal outright, rather it is sufficient for him to remain silent. (Fath al-Baari, 9/175)

      [see this reference]

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Salaam,

        I never said it is HARAM.
        There are proper ways through which marriage is done in Islam. For a girl proposing marriage, there are numerous conditions that need to be applied. You will get more info by asking a faqih. This also relates to exceptional situation and cannot be applied as a general rule.

        Islam has prescribe that the proposition has to go through the wali and there are reasons and wisdom behind that. If you want to argue that, in general terms, it is allowed for a girl to walk to a boy and propose marriage, then it would be fair for a boy to do the same. Then this goes against Islam general teaching that the first contact should be the wali.

        • The brother has already quoted to you from Fath al-Bari, describing incidents from the Sunnah of Rasulullah (sws). Do you want to follow the Messenger of Allah (sws), or be a slave to your own culture?

          There is actually no requirement in Islam that the first contact must be through the wali. Rather, the woman must be represented by her wali at the time of marriage.

          Even if one feels that the wali must be involved, then the woman's wali can go to the man to propose marriage on her behalf.

          If you want to speak about what's proper or improper in your culture, that's fine. But don't try to make it a part of Islam.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • What is the Sunnah with regard to proposing marriage? i.e., if a young man wants to get married, should he send someone to the woman’s family to ask for her hand in marriage from her family? If his proposal is accepted and the woman and her family agree, what is the next step before the khutbah, such as the mahr (dowry) and other things that are required of the man? Is it Sunnah to recite al-Faatihah when the dowry is stipulated? Is it Sunnah to give the woman a ring on the day of the engagement and on the day of the wedding or is there any special kind of clothing?.

            Praise be to Allaah.
            Firstly:

            If a man wants to get married, and he has decided to propose to a particular woman, then he may go to her guardian on his own, or with one of his relatives such as his father or brother, or he may delegate someone else to propose marriage on his behalf. The matter is broad in scope, and prevalent customs should be followed. In some countries it is regarded as improper for the suitor to go on his own, so attention should be paid to that.

            What is prescribed in sharee’ah is for the suitor to see the woman to whom he wants to propose marriage, because of the report narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1087), al-Nasaa’i (3235) and Ibn Maajah (1865) from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah (may Allaah be pleased with him), who proposed to a woman and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Go and look at her, for that is more likely to create love between you,” i.e., ,ore likely to establish lasting love between you. This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

            Secondly:

            If the girl and her family agree, then a mahr has to be agreed upon, and the wedding expenses and the wedding date, and so on. This also varies according to local customs, and what the man can afford and what preparations he has made for getting married. Some people do the proposal and the marriage contract in one sitting, and some delay the marriage contract after the engagement, and some they delay the consummation after the marriage contract. All of that is permissible. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did the marriage contract with ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) when she was six years old then he consummated the marriage with her when she was nine. Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5158).

            Thirdly:

            It is not sunnah to recite al-Faatihah at the time of engagement or at the time of the marriage contract. Rather the Sunnah is to recite Khutbat al-Haajah. It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us Khutbat al-Haajah, (to be said) at weddings and on other occasions: “Inna al-hamda Lillaahi nasta’eenahu wa nastaghfiruhu, wa na’oodhu bihi min shuroori anfusinaa wa sayi’aati a’maalinaa. Man yahdih Illaahu falaa mudilla lahu wa man yudlil falaa haadiya lahu. Wa ashhadu an laa ilaaha ill-Allaah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan ‘abduhu wa rasooluhu (Verily, all praise is to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Him from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger).

            ‘Yaa ayyuha’n-naas uttaqu rabbakum alladhi khalaqakum min nafsin waahidatin wa khalaqa minhaa zawjahaa wa baththa minhumaa rijaalan katheeran wa nisaa’an wa’ttaqu-Llaah alladhi tasaa’aloona bihi wa’l-arhaama inna Allaaha kaana ‘alaykum raqeeban (O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person, and from him He created his wife, and from them both He created many men and women, and fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship) Surely, Allaah is Ever an All-Watcher over you).’ [al-Nisaa’ 4:1]

            ‘Yaa ayyuha’lladheena aamanu-ttaqu’Llaaha haqqa tuqaatihi wa laa tamootunna illaa wa antum muslimoon (O you who believe! Fear Allaah as He should be feared, and die not except in a state of Islam (as Muslims) with complete submission to Allaah.)’ [Aal ‘Imraan 3:102]

            ‘Yaa ayyahu’lladheena aamanu-ttaqu’Llaaha wa qooloo qawlan sadeedan yuslih lakum a’maalakum wa yaghfir lakum dhunoobakum wa man yuti’ Allaaha wa rasoolahu fa qad faaza fawzan ‘azeeman (O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allaah and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth). He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed achieved a great achievement (i.e. he will be saved from the Hell‑fire and will be admitted to Paradise)’ [al-Ahzaab 33:70, 71].”

            Narrated by Abu Dawood (2118) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

            The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked (19/146): Is reciting al-Faatihah when a man gets engaged to a woman an innovation (bid’ah)?

            They replied: Reciting al-Faatihah when a man gets engaged to a woman or when the marriage contract is done is an innovation (bid’ah). End quote.

            Fourthly:

            There is no special clothing to be worn for the engagement, wedding or consummation, for either the man or the woman. Attention should be paid to what the people are accustomed to with regard to that, so long as it is not contrary to sharee’ah. Based on that, there is nothing wrong with the man wearing a suit and so on.

            But if the woman is in a place where men can see her, she should wear concealing clothes, just as she should before and after the wedding. But if she is among women, she can adorn herself and wear whatever kind of clothes she wants, but she should avoid extravagance and waste and that which calls to fitnah.

            As for wearing a ring, it is not prescribed for men or for women, because that involves imitating the kuffaar. See question no. 21441.

            May Allaah help us and you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

            And Allaah knows best.

            Islam Q&A

            http://islamqa.com/en/ref/88130/propose

  2. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, if you intend to marry, then express your intention to your parents and tell them that it is difficult to manage without a Halaal relationship.

    Insha Allah, they'll find you a good Muslim man. Your neighbors may or may not be good for you.

    If you actually intend marriage and you have spoken to your parents, then you can do Istikhaarah, but to get results, I believe you should put your complete trust in Allah that He will Guide you, however complicated a situation is. This is how it helps me, Alhamdulillah.

    In your case, if you put all your trust in Allah and do Istikhaarah, Allah will insha Allah make easy, the proposal of whoever is good for you, or bring the man's idea in your parent's mind, or something like that. Dreams are not necessary for Guidance through Istikhaarah.
    Wassalamualaikum
    Muhammad Waseem

  3. @ Yoda
    American Muslim is correct - after all don't forget that Hazrat Khadija (RA) proposed to the Prophet (SAW) too. Your thinking is from the hindu/Judeo-Christian culture that a woman cannot propose - Islam gives this huge liberty to women to propose to a righteous man, alhumdolillah

    • Before we start talking about the prophets wife lets calrfiy

      -before islam this happend

      - she was a grown mature woman married twice before and in Islam the marriage procedure for a non virgin previously married is 100% different to a young virgin girl.

      - Khadijah made the proposal through a trusted well respected freind

      - a wali was still involved

      - both of good character

      so we can not apply these terms to most muslims today.

      And this girl asking the question is young and not married before.
      the proposal can not come from her and should be expressed by her father.
      The father makes the proposal and shows interest the men then need to do the leg work.

      islam give women rights, like self respect which does not come about by a woman chasing men and begging them for marriage. Respect and rights are given that the wali must be the first person the men apprach. if they want to marry her they need to ask wali first then wali tells the muslimah about the men.

      Not the other way around.

      • I am confused about the matter of Wali for a woman who was previously married. I am of the opinion that she requires a Wali too, but I am not sure.

        Muhjabah, your judgement is not supplemented with proof from the Quran and the Sunnah. There's another Hadith that mentions a lady who proposed to Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam:

        Sahih al Bukhari, Volume
        7, Book 62, Hadith Number 24:

        Narrated Sahl bin Sad As-Sa'idi: A woman came to Allah's Apostle and
        said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have come to give you myself in marriage (without Mahr)." Allah's Apostle looked at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, "O Allah's Apostle! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me." The Prophet said, "Have you got anything to offer?" The man said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said (to him), "Go to your family and see if you have something." The man went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, I have not found anything." Allah's Apostle said, "(Go again) and look for something, even if it is an iron ring." He went again and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet)." He had no rida. He added, "I give half of it to her." Allah's Apostle said, "What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will be naked, and if she wears it, you will be naked." So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."

        Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not say she was wrong, which would have made the act Haraam.

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salaam

    Brother & Sister
    we don"t have any haraam relationship Elder brother we never talk to each other,only younger brother we both r only friend he always say something in a indirect way,so I"am a good muslim girl i perform All roza,Namaz,Zaqat & Quran Thatswhy i don"t Want to take any decision,i done istikhaara (Iwant Allah"s advice)& i saw Masjid in my dream So i"am so confuse u All Aware of My Dream,Before this dream 2 months Ago I saw 1 dream i asked to elder one will u marry me i worn redlengha(Dulhan dress) & he worn White sherwani(groom dress ) at the end He Said Yes Thatsy i done istikhaara ..i Did n"t propose anyone i"am confuse so i need u"r help i"am not a wrong girl please advice me what i should they are also muslim boy ,i saw masjid in my dream what does it mean .

  5. yesI slam gives this huge liberty to women to propose to a righteous man, alhumdolillah but who? problem is this they both r brother i"dont know i should propose which one thats y i did istikhaara but i did n"t see any one face only saw their housein my dream, they both live in that house so,i"am confuse my Parent:""s searching a guy 4r me But they r facing so many problems so ,whats going on,i faced so many problems in my past i dont want to take any decision on my own.my parent"s worry for my marrige but alhumdolillah i"am tall & beatuiful girl but Confusion? please understan my situation & try to help me..

    • Sister Nisha

      I think maybe your parents will be of great service to advise you here, as Brother Waseem mentioned.

      Allah guides us in many ways. If your Istikhara is unclear, another method that Allah grants us is the advice and consent of our parents in matters of marriage, especially for daughters.

      I know you are focused on your dream. Consider that this confusion may be a tool of Shaytan. Rely on your parents to advise you. Continue to pray. Allah is with you.

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

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