Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cannot decide on two proposals

decision making, two directions

Decisions.

Aslam Alaikum,

I am right now in a critical situation in my life, and need your help and advice to make a decision. I am a 32 year old, average looking girl from a middle class family. I am educated and working at a company in a good position.

I am not punctual in my prayers and do not cover as well. I have 2 proposals right now for marriage, and both men and their families are waiting for my response. I am confused about choosing anyone, and I need help.

First is Adnan. He was my boyfriend for 4 years. In the first six months of  the relationship he introduced me to his mother, but later he came to know that I had a boyfriend before him so his attitude towards me changed. He kept abusing me and insulting me for that matter. He doesn't like anything I do and say, he thinks I am dumb and stupid in most things. The reason is because he is from the US and I am from India, he belongs to rich family, and he thinks I would never get man like him. He was with me because he felt that I was his first love. We used to have huge fights, and after 4 years we broke up. About his religion, he used to pray Juma, fast, and never touched alcohol or haram meat.

Some time after that, I met someone from my own community. Kashif was very nice and down to earth. He was very sensitive and introverted.  He never prays or fasts, used to consume alcohol, and few years back was involved with prostitutes which he regrets now; but because of that he got himself into huge loans. With me he was very kind and caring. He always respected me, and thought about my priorities and commitments. Two months after we met, he introduce me to his mother but his mom didnt like me because she was expecting someone beautiful. We tried to convince his  family for 1 year,  but they didn't agree and eventually I broke up with him. He was ready to do a court marriage, but I didn't agree.

Meanwhile, Adnan came back to me and asked me for marriage. I agreed, and his mother met my family. He was nice to me, but still he kept disrespecting me, like when I was asking for money for my wedding dress (which in my culture is paid for by the groom) he told me I don't have self respect. Anyway, they pushed us to fix a marriage date in 2 months time, which we didn't agree about. As a result, Adnan told me that he has a backup ready for me: if I don't marry in 2 months he will leave me. The reason is that he is afraid his mom will die, as she is an old woman. Later his mom agreed to fix the date after six months, but the doubts I had in my mind about him were now killing me. His mother has already started shopping for the wedding.

Yesterday Kashif's mother called me and apologized to me for her behaviour and asked me to marry Kashif. Now I am very confused, and don't know what should I do. I have been doing Istakhara, but still I am not able to come to any conclusion. Brothers and sisters, I need your advice to help me make this important decision of life. Jazzakallah khair.

-dina10

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15 Responses »

  1. Well, none of them are good , assalam o aykum

  2. Asalamoalaikum sister,

    I’m quite alarmed with your post as I’m not sure if you truly understand what you’re getting yourself into and I worry if your parents are aware of these men’s backgrounds.

    I highly suggest that you drop both these proposals and move on with your life. I understand you may be thinking about your age and other related factors but marriage is a lifelong journey and you should spend it with someone who brings you closer to your deen and is grounded in life. Both these men don’t seem like they are even there yet.

    Here is what I think of these two proposals based on what you’ve stated:

    Adnan—He seems like a self-centered and shallow person. He believes he has an upper hand because he is (a) rich and (b) you had a past (I am not saying what you did is correct but no one has a right to degrade you because of it. If they can’t accept you they have every right to move on with their life and let you move on with yours. No one needs to be punished forever for their sins. Only Allah swt decides that). This is not someone you should be planning a life long journey with.

    Kashif—He seems like he’s lost in life but more importantly very lost with his deen. Regardless of what he’s done in the past what is more alarming is that he does not offer salat or fast. These are fundamental pillars of Islam. He seems to be on a very dark path in life and I’m not quite sure if he’s truly realized the gravity of his sins as if he did I would expect him to be connected to his deen (i.e., the least he would be doing is fulfilling his compulsory obligations such as offering salat and fasting). Not only that his mother does not approve of you for superficial reasons such as your appearance and he has a bundle of debt to deal with as a result of his haram actions. Your future with him seems very bleak.

    In a world of approximately 7 billion people I can guarantee you that you can find someone better than these two proposals. Please dear sister, do not get yourself stuck in this whirlwind of chaos.

    I also highly suggest you begin offering salat and dressing in accordance to Islam. Perhaps when you tread on the right path Allah swt will open doors for you Himself.

    -Helping Sister

  3. Sister,

    Which proposal is the better choice? Neither.

    Salam

  4. Yeah I agree with everyone, there isn't any thing good that I can say about either proposal, and Allah knows best. I would say , keep praying istikhara, but don't rush in to making a choice if you're not 100% sure....

  5. Dear Dina ,

    I suggest you to drop both the proposels . You are in a mess due to your own mistakes in life and also because of these two guys who are not following thier deen properly .

    On top of it dear sister , please note that having boyfriend is Haraam and from your post it is clear that you have boyfriends in your life .The HARAM way of life style will take you to destruction so be carefull about your own actions too.

    Allah hafiz

  6. Well the simple answer is neither, and the reasons are obvious when you read your own post again.

    However I can understand that at 32 you feel very vulnerable and are desperate for a relationship.

    This would explain why you spent 4 years in a bad relationship with Adnan. And, its your vulnerability that he has decided to feast on - its a pity that such people take advantage of a weak person.

    So the real answer is that you must be strong in your faith and yourself. Do not worry about your age or your past relationships and make a bad decision now.

    I can understand how hard it must be for you to think who will want you when you have been "rejected" previously but please do not let this thought fester in your mind.

    Instead remember two things. First, that whatever happens is due to the Almighty and ultimately he protects All (even non muslims like me 😉 . He will always protect you.

    Second remember that its better NOT to have a relationship than have a bad and abusive relationship.

    Have faith, pray to the Almighty and you will have courage and strength. Fear will go on its own. Almighty has the best in mind for you.

    I wish you the best.

  7. Salam sister,

    I agree both of them are bad. I also understand the society in the asian countries where a womens age is always against her in terms of marriage. It is very hard to find someone at that age. That is a very backward attitude but unfortunately a lot of people in these countries still abide by it. If you are educated and independent you maybe able to find someone like minded by yourself or through parents.

    If you feel it will be very difficult to find someone and you maybe feeling insecure that you will end up remaining single. I think the least worst out of the two guys would be kashif. As you say he respects you and understands you and regrets his sins. Not everyone is practising muslims. As long as he is a good person and treats you well maybe after marriage you can both work towards becoming better muslims and start learning about Islam together and repenting for your sins.

    Bad boys and bad girls still need to get married to someone. It is better that he gets married to someone compatible like you I.e who needs to learn more about Islam instead of marrying a religous girl. But you have to set down boundaries before agreeing to marry.

    He has to repent for his sins and vow to never return to it. Work towards becoming a good muslim. He needs to clear his debts and get a job. He should not rely on your income to pay off his debts.

    I had a friend who married a guy who didnt pray. But he was a kind and loving soul and treated her very well. Was very caring and considerate, had excellent manners. Never looked at other women. She was very happy with him. She encouraged him to pray and learn more about Islam. Now he prays and is working towards become more deeni.

    So sometimes a person who has good manners and characters already present just needs someone to show them Islam in their life, be it a friend or spouse. One can change another.

    • Except that Kashif does not have good character. He drinks alcohol and visits prostitutes. How man any Muslim even imagine marrying such a person?

      Leave them both alone, sister dina. Neither one is a suitable candidate for marriage. And in the meantime you must work on your own character. Learn your religion, and ask forgiveness from Allah for your past behavior.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. I would suggest you to do not consider any of these men. These men are not good husband material.

    Dear Sister, please , dont rush. Your whole life is at stake. Do not marry any of them.

    In sha Allah, get closer to Allah SWT (by praying regularly and on-time, make tawba for your transgressions) and pray to Allah SWT to bless you with a man who has a good character and Deen (religion).

    May Allah SWT guide and protect you.

    Salams

  9. There seems to be a unanimous consensus on this one!

    I really hope you don't pursue any of these proposals, sister.

    -Helping Sister

  10. Salam alekum.

    None of them are good.

    find someone else better. In Deen and character.
    Asalam wa alekum.

  11. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Dina,

    You testified yourself that you are not that good in practicing your deen. So I think it is very important you leave these two guys and then find someone who is good in both deen and character (this is very important for you, because you really need someone who can motivate you improve your deen and become a better Muslimah, as you know marriage is half of our deen). No matter what the situation may be, neither Adnan nor Kashif is good for you. Neither of them has qualified enough to be a leader of a household Islamically, as the deen and good character are two wings, that must be together with a man, to fly with you to success.

  12. Assalaamualaikam

    Honestly, both of the men you've described sound unsuitable - they both need to do a lot of growing up in their deen and their character.

    Instead of choosing one of them, why not spend time learning more about Islam and what it means to you. Then, look for a suitable partner through halal channels - your family, your local mosque may have an introduction service, pious friends...

    It might help to start going to an Islamic studies class, or attend a prayer group. You could also listen to lectures online and ask in your local Islamic bookstore for recommendations.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  13. Neither is a good choice :/

    Don't ruin your life.

    I hope Allah sends you someone who will love, care and respect you. Ameen.

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