Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cant believe my husband and I are really divorced

broken woman, thoughtful woman, sad woman

Asalamualaikom brothers & sisters,

Last 26 of July, I had a huge fight with my husband. The next day, when I came home from work I found his closet empty, he left and took all his things with him. I called him on his phone and he told me that he is divorcing me and doesn't want to live with me anymore. I tried to talk to him and begged him to not leave as our fight was not a reason for a divorce. I told him not to decide with that frame of mind as he couldn't think of what is right from wrong. He hung up the phone and didn't talk to me anymore.

I didn't leave the house for a week and I still waited for him though I knew he wouldn't come back anymore. I was so down and depressed, I didn't eat for one week yet I still had to get up to go to work. I was so confused and every day crying. After 1 week, I left the house and I went to live to my aunt's place which is nearer to my workplace. I didn't leave because I was okay with the divorce and I knew that whatever happen the wife should remain at home. But I had to leave because my house is 45 mins away from the office. It's so hard for me to go to work everyday with that distance, I had to take a cab and it cost me so much for the past 7 days. I told my aunt I would stay temporarily, with the hope that my husband would call me and picked me up to go home with him.

I thought he would but he didn't. Instead his friend called me and told me to take all my things from the house because my husband already gave up the apartment to the owner and we had only 10 days remaining to pull out all the stuff. I was so down and again the pain just struck me. I went with my aunt to take all the things. I couldn't put in words the pain I felt when I was taking my things, looking at the house which used to be so lively and full of love.

I couldn't think properly and this time I was crying almost every hour of the day. I would have to go to the office  toilet every now and then to cry as I can't let the people from work to see me. I couldn't let them know what I was going through.

I called my husband but he couldn't be reached. I asked his friend and the friend said he changed his number and didn't want to give me his new one as this was my husband's request to him. He advised me not to wait for my husband and just live my life alone without him as he was already firm on his decision to leave me. I said, if that was the case then my husband should talaq me properly.

On 21st of August, the friend called me to meet him with my husband behind the office for the talaq. I went and there he said in front of his friend "Ente tale" in english, I divorce you. After that he left, without talking to me anymore. I was so down and so hurt. I was fasting at that time so I had to compose myself not to cry and break down. In my mind, finally, I am divorced? I can't believe. The friend understand my situation. He tried his best to help us reconcile but my husband just didnt want to listen.

I tried to call his family and inform them, but unfortunately my husband asked them not to entertain my calls. I felt so unfair. I felt so alone. Nobody did ever help us to fix this. This wasn't the first time we were fighting. We fought many times but my in-laws would always help to fix this. But this time it's different, nobody talked to me from his family. My guess is, he said something about me that convinced them to support his decision of leaving me.

I couldn't call my family until now. I didn't want them to worry about me as I am far from them and I am alone here. They would be devastated that they couldn't do anything to help me. But I am thankful because my aunt is here trying to comfort me and helping me to ease the pain.

I still love my husband. I still don't want to believe that we are divorced. I wanted to know are we really divorced? And as there is 90 days waiting period, the three moths of it would be in 21st of November. If we won't be back together after 21st November, are we really over and can't be together anymore without getting married again?

Please help clarify my issue as I am living like floating in air. I don't know what to think and what to do. I am still waiting for him. Shall I move on or wait?

-Fatoom


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16 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    May Allah give you and your husband the strength to endure this painful experience. May Allah give you the strength to get out of this state of utter shock and depression. Ameen.

    First of all I noticed something, all the way through you kept talking about you, you and YOU. Why is it that you didn't mention what the argument was about? It is quite obvious your previous arguments were quite severe too and it had come to the point where the man could take no more.

    No man, not matter who or where he's from, would go to the great lengths to totally disown his wife unless it was the last resort.

    You must accept his decision, he was unhappy with the argument and perhaps unhappy with your marriage. The argument, the last fight was the knock out blow, but I'm sure there were a fair few jabs and hooks before this killer blow.

    You must stop thinking about what happened and start thinking about what will happen without him. Life is brutal sometimes, it's not easy, we ALL go through ups and downs, of course some are lucky enough to go through a divorce, but we all suffer somehow.

    Please forget him, he's gone, he will not be coming back. I am not married, but I will be soon Insha'Allah, but I am reading lots of stuff and getting a lot of advice from people. My own cousin had a fight with his wife and he left her saying he's not coming back, he was away for 3 hours before he came home and said nothing is worth leaving you. If your husband loved you, he would have come back by now.

    Please move on and forget.

    May Allah help you in this time of great sadness and depression, May Allah help you strengthen your imaan and stay on the righteous path and not of those who have strayed. Ameen.

    • mohammed ..this is rude what u told to this dear sister.muslim men now in these days abandoned,abuse and leave thier wives just like that its sad they follow culture instead of islam.they think marraige is just a game..marraige is a test from Allah talla.in every marraiges they will be up and downs and of course they will be arguments..but people these days just walk out of a marraige cuz of agruments and they remember the downs .they dont remember the good times they had together.and its disgusting how men follow culture instead of islam they suspect thier wives to treat them like kings and men treat thier wives like slaves .like a maid that do everything for him.[muhammed] sala la alyaha wa salam is a best example of a man.how a man supposed to treat his wife with respect.evey women are emotional.they are times when Muhammed [sala la alyia wa salam] delt with his wifes in a respectful,kind way.when he sees his wives get jealous,emotional and much more and he also helped his wifes with house chores and mostly this he did everything him self instead of his wives helping him with things.there is a hadith that it said the best among men are the ones best among to thier wives..ALLAH TALLA will ask these men that do harsh to thier wives when he meets them.and Allah will ask them why did u do that.they will not have an answer and they will go to nar hellfire.and men think divorce is also a game instead of fowllowing wha quran saids about divorce they follow "culture" divorce without the procedure in the quranic way.instead they utter divorce and send a letter of divorce and they think think thats a right way to divorce.i called that "culture" divorce.the right way to divorce based on the quran is to choose both sidesone from the husband family and one from the wife's family with knowledge about islam.and they have to solve the problems between husband and wife.but if a man and his wife dont agree with resolving problems. the last resort is a divorce and two relgious men will witness the divorce.and a wife his to wait iddah period 3 months if she is not preganant or widowed.a widowed woman have to wait 4 moths and the pregnant woman has to wait until she delivers her baby.they could remarry thier ex husband or they could marry somebody else.but men play with divorce too much and the marraige.men in this century ae disobeying what Allah saids about divorce.and remember ALLAH HATES DIVORCE.its better for married couple to slove thier problems.and also remember Iblis loves divorce.some men dont have hearts.trust me Allah will ask him when he meets him .did u fullfill ur duty as a husband to ur wife and what will ur husband say..noo..and he will be sent to hell fire.instead of him resloving the argument with u he suppossed to slove it even though u guys argue alot.its normal to have alot of agrument in maraige.instead he left u and telling u he wants a divorce..this is a type of person that has a weak iman .and man like this are pathetic losers and they are away from the straight path of islam.ask duato help with this situation and Allah is the best of all planners and he knows whats best for his slaves just put ur trust in ALLAH.and inhallah u ill see will be happy inshallah

  2. As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

    Sister I am going through a similiar situation. My husband has decided that he wants a divorce. He left me literally three weeks agao. He has gone about the matter in an unIslamic way. In the begining I was devastated too. However I believe in Divine Decree as a Muslim. We must hold onto the rope of Allah ta'ala.
    I don't see it as my husband leaving I see it as Allah ta'ala removing him from my life.
    Allah is the best of planners and he knows what is best for us.

    Read Quran study the Ayats carefully. Really look at the marriage for what it was. I have been reflecting upon that lately and I see that this is for the best. Unless Allah changes my husbands heart and he submits his life wholeheartedly to Islam our marriage simply can't be. I am in Iddah alone until January. I am making dua for my husband and marriage until then. When the period is up if we haven't reconciled then Alhamdulilah!
    I will go on with my life praying that Allah will reward me with a better spouse.

    An excellent book I purchased is called "Don't be Sad" by Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni. Please get it the first chance you get it has helped me tremendously. Allah is the Best Disposer of Affairs. We have to accept whatever has been decreed for our lives. My husband and I have been married almost 11 years! It is still a shock at times that he is even treating me in the manner that he is. However I know that Allah ta'ala can turn the heart and daily I ask Allah to turn my husbands heart back to Himself so he doesn't die in a state of disbelief.

    "Don't be sad, because by being sad, you are complaining against the divine decree and showing vexation at what is written for you. Do not be sad ,because grief cannot return to you the one that is lost or gone away. It cannot resurrect the dead, it cannot change fate, or bring any benefit whatsoever. Do not be sad, because sadness is often of the devil and a kind of hopelessness. Sadness causes you to regret the past , to have misgivings concerning the future, and to make you waste away your present."-From the Book Don't Be Sad.

    Insha-Allah you will be able to purchase the book. May Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong or hurt you-Ameen.

    May you begin to smile each day knowing that if you repent and seek Allahs guidance if you desire to be married Insha-Allah you will be blessed with another husband.

    Your Sister in Islam,

    Kalia

    • Salaams Kalia,

      The book you have quoted is full of wise, excellent and inspirational advice. If you click on this link, there is an E-book online: http://www.dont-be-sad-alqarni.com/

      Salaams

      SisterZ
      IslamcAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamualikum sister,
      Do you mind telling us what happened and why your husband left? I too am going through the same. I have been married for 10years. Im brocken

    • JazakAllah kheir, this was very helpful, My husband doesnt have feelings for me , tho I have had sabr in 8 months and praying that he will love me in shaa Allah. And now he is divorcing me for no reasons, I love him so much and cant imagine a life without him because I trust him.

      • Huda: JazakAllah kheir, this was very helpful, My husband doesnt have feelings for me , tho I have had sabr in 8 months and praying that he will love me inshaa Allah. And now he is divorcing me for no reasons, I love him so much and cant imagine a life without him because I trust him.

        How did you meet your husband? What do you mean by "my husband has no feelings for me"? Does your husband have a sexual dysfunction? How old are you both? If there is no intimacy and you both live like strangers, it is better to split.

  3. how can we help you with what you actually need to know if we dont know what you fought about? please explain in detail so that others may comment on your post and inform you on what to do

  4. Aua,

    First off, Mr. Mohammed, it would've been better if you'd kept your opinions to yourself rather than writing your worthless text which failed miserably in consoling the questioner in any way by all means possible, and, second, by the tone of your reply, it's very apparent that you are showing some signs of rage and anger from the past with whoever you had had a relationship because you were being totally stone cold in your reply to her with no relevant solution to the problem or consolation. Words hit you in the face too and the words you had used were like lashes for someone like her.

    Fatoom, i have a wife who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and mood swings which has taken it's toll to an all time high and she is demanding divorce from me and that's it, even though she's the one who used abusive language against me...called me, pansy, a***ole, bald, 40 year old talking individual, who has no class, mocked my faqiri when i had no money and no job for 2 years, bullied me and so much more but she doesn't realize that her actions were wrong. Once, an immensly loving wife/friend has now turned into a rage-o-holic who actually wants to kill me. Can you please ask yourself some questions if you were totally fair with your husband and the arguments were based on worthless things? I don't know you but you know yourself better than anyone else. I would reckon if you can please read this article and do some self assessment about your behavior Very Honestly that you had had towards your husband over the years.

    http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

    If you read something that you think you can relate to from this article, i think approaching your husband and honestly apologizing for your actions may change his mind. As far as your question is concerned about talaq, please check out these videos and carefully listen to him. It's going to help you a lot in understanding the entire process of talaq. There are other videos on YouTube about it that are also worth watching.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UCZt_0kmOw&feature=related
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fuPRB_KUdg
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utinDaSrqLA

    I would strongly reckon not to watch any other videos on this matter from Dabba Maulvis and Peers because they really want us to go back to stone age. Please read the book recommended by Kalia and if you can also read some books of Imam Ghazali. Give yourself some time to heal, time is the biggest healer of all.

    I am sorry for all your pain. By your post, i think you are a very smart woman and you will find your way out of this very soon. Insha Allah.

    My best

    • aamirghaznavi you wrote, "First off, Mr. Mohammed, it would've been better if you'd kept your opinions to yourself rather than writing your worthless text which failed miserably..." This is an unkind comment and needlessly harsh language. As chief editor of this website, I have noticed a trend lately toward severe attitudes and critical statements, and it worries me.

      We must treat each other as brothers and sisters. We must speak to one another in the same polite tone that we would use if we were face to face. If we disagree with someone we can express that disagreement - and even do so strongly - without calling their opinions "worthless".

      I have seen at least one case recently where someone posted a question on this site, and then regretting coming here for advice, because of the harsh comments and negative assumptions that were made by commenters.

      It's nice to have an active website where many people participate, but it's even more important to have a website that performs a true service, where people can come to get answers that are given with knowledge and compassion.

      I will be keeping a close eye all future coments, Insha'Allah, and I will delete any that are not in keeping with the spirit of this website.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • wait i dont understand chief! i havent seen foul language in muhammads texts he is just forward and tells you what you dont wana hear,i mean people coming for advice if they are wrong and blindly dont see their wrong i think its best for some comments to hit them hard back to whats right and whats reality,i would understand if brother muhammad was swearing or texted like a pervert but he did not.if im wrong brother please give me a warning otherwise i was just commenting.

  5. i agree with brother muhammad,the truth hurts.if we knew what they fought about maybe we could see the guilty party because we dont know the women who typed this message but her husband knows her best,its true what brother muhammad says all she does is talk about what he did wrong she giving us no clue what she did and its true some men dont take nonsense if they see their wife aint good enough i mean in character the will leave her

    • this is not true sister.i agree with wael he is right.we are here to give advice .this man has a weak iman.no matter what a marraige will have its ups and downs.and certainly they will be arguments in a marraige.no matter how much arguments they had .he should just talk to her in a polite manner like a true pious muslim should treat his wife.women are emotional creatures.women will not agrue wth thier husbands unless his actions were wrong led into a argument..in the quran it saids the surah of talaq.[O Prophet (SAW)! When you divorce women, divorce them at their Iddah (prescribed periods), and count (accurately) their Iddah (periods ). And fear Allah your Lord (O Muslims), and turn them not out of their (husbands) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave, except in case they are guilty of some open illegal sexual intercourse. And those are the set limits of Allah. And whosoever transgresses the set limits of Allah, then indeed he has wronged himself] so basically what Allah saids in the quran, do not leave your wife and turn her out of he home unless if she commits adultry and take two pious muslims to witness this.she didnt commit adultry.they just agrued and he just left her in a disrespectful manner.this person basically has a weak iman for doing this.like i said men these days are abusing Allah laws about marraigeand divorce and they re not taking serious about the consequences.he should have handle it in a polite way and dont let his business go out in the street s and to his family,cuz in laws cause the problems and the disputes betwen the husband and wife even worse, instead of sloving it,clearly the quran saids dont leave your wives cause of a agrument.there alot of couples that awlays argue with eachother and they are still married for alot of years.{ THE ONLY REASON WHY WOULD A MAN LEAVE HIS WIFE AND DIVORCE HER,THERE ARE THREE REASONS FOR THIS..IS EITHER HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED TO ANOTHER.OR HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.OR HE DOESNT WANT TO TAKE HIS RESPONSEIBILITY TO TAKE OF HIS WIFE FINACIALLY AND EMOTINALLY.ALLAH TALLA KNOWS BEST

  6. you didn't mention what argument lead to the divorce?

    anyway, it is very terrible and i hope you recover from your loss

  7. Why are you so heart broken over It? I'm not trying to be an "Ass" but basically am wondering, what could lead a person to feeling this way? In life you (Win a day) and a (A day Is against you), that Is life. Today (Is your turn), and tomorrow (Is someone else turn). I hope you understand, that this Is part of the "trails of life", as not everyday (Will be a good day). The only thing you can do Is make sure that (Through the trails), you go through them with the utmost patience (Not really an easy thing to do, but patience Is key).

    Also, you stated that you 2 fought many times In the past correct? So why did you 2 continually fight? Was It something that "you kept doing" (That annoyed him/angered him), or was It something that (He kept doing that annoyed and angered you)? In either case (Whatever the reason), he finally got fed up of It (Assuming that It was something that you did that pushed his buttons). Even If It wasn't your Intention to push his buttons (Some people are hot headed), and you pushed that button (1 too many times).

    As for the other situation about you, not being near family (Besides the aunt), I'm sorry about that, but "Thank Allah SWT" as you still have your "Aunt", and she's "Family".

    Once again, sorry for the way things happened,and may you have better days (Insha-Allah).

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