IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Assalam O Alaikum,

I belong to a respectable Muslim family. I have always been God fearing all my life, and have never had any relationships with any guy. Just recently I finished my studies and moved back to my parents and started working. I faced a lot of problems as I was new to the environment. I had a colleague help me out for advice most of the times and guide me in the best possible way, without ever asking me for anything in return. We quickly became friends and because of work we used to see each other every day. It became a habit and then before we realised it became a need for both of us. We feel very strongly for each other; at first I denied to myself as I was partly ashamed and partly shocked at my own self- something I didn't do all my life, and it happened without me realising it.

He is a good Muslim and wants to marry me without any delay. I am crazy about him and want to be a part of his life the Islamic way. I want to be his wife but I am the one holding back for several reasons which are huge and complex. He is already married to someone else but she lives in another country with his parents. He got married 10years back due to parental pressure. He has been a good and caring husband all these years and fulfilled all his duties. However, his desires for a wife were very different from what his parents chose for him. Despite that, he continued to serve his duties in full as a husband, a son and a father. He doesn't have a problem with second marriage since its tradition in his family and accepted without problem. He is ready to do whatever it takes to get married. That includes talking to my parents and taking a stand for me at his place. Face everything that comes.

The biggest problem is that; knowing my parents I could never go up to them and confess. They have loved me all my life, did a lot for me. They are the best parents. They have their dreams for my wedding to a guy my age and off course single. Knowing them, they would never ever give me the permission, nor wil they ever accept him. We have an age difference of 16years and he would not fit in my parents' social community as he is not from the upper class. Plus, he already has a wife and my parents would never tolerate to see me become a second wife. Never! Atleast not in this lifetime. Each and every day my mother talks to me about proposals and sometimes people come over to see. I feel awful because it feels like I am cheating on him. I love him from the depths of my soul and I want to marry him, so does he. I have to make a choice between him or my parents and it is nothing less than a suicide for me to do so. I love my parents and I love him the same. But I cannot choose between them. I don't have the heart to leave him nor do I have the courage to hurt my parents. They will not be able to go through this pain that their beloved daughter, whom they have raised with good Islamic values, has been in a  relationship behind their back. I have broken their trust.

I feel awfully heart broken and tormented with pain. I can't sleep and I just keep weeping all night and night after night- asking for forgiveness from Allah s.w.t. and for HIM to show me a way out; so far that hasn't been working. I feel I am going into depression; Sleepless and hopeless. I even considered suicide at times but knowing its consequences- even that is not an option. I have nowhere to go. Everywhere I turn is a dead end for me. I just want to finish myself because I don't have the courage to even imagine another man in his place. He is the only one I have felt for in my entire life. I can't hurt him; I can't hurt my parents and turns out, I can't even kill myself as it is haraam. Where should I go?
I have known that Islam gives females the right to marry with choice. Yet the same Islam asks us to love our parents and do good to them. Love them and be merciful to them as they have been to us.

I don't know where I stand. I will be devastated if I lose him. And my parents will be devastated if they find out the truth.

Is marrying someone you love so bad?

Please help me.

Troubled girl.