I Can’t Forget therefore I Can’t Forgive
Cheating Husband
As-Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatulla.
I am a revert sister of almost 4 years Allahumdulliah. My situation is a bit long and complicated so here it goes... Before I Reverted I was in a relationship, My then boyfriend put me through a lot of heart-ache, he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend whilst we were together, which i found out from her but which he denies,
I witnessed for myself when gaining access to his phone and laptop that he was pursuing other girls, stating his interest in them, telling them he liked them and even being intimate with them. On one occasion he was intimate with a Girl whilst I was on vacation, he sent me messages telling me how he loved and missed me, but then he instigated a meeting with the other girl asking her to come round to his house.
Then 2 days later he sent me a message stating that he wanted to see me when I got back off my vacation, which i did and we were intimate, which now sickens my stomach after finding out what he did two days before. He is quite popular due to the nature of the work he does, and uses social networking sites a lot, this is where he entertains most females as he posts a lot of pictures of himself on there.
During the time of the relationship I became pregnant 3 times, on each occasion he told me that he didn't want a child yet and encouraged me to have an abortion which i regret immensely. The most recent one was whilst I was a muslim as i continued my relationship with him, i know the consequences of what i done and ask Allah SWT to forgive everyday.
What hurt the most is the last time i got pregnant i told him that I wanted to keep the baby, he got upset and didn't contact me for weeks, i then went to see him and when he was sleeping i unlocked his phone to find out that he had arranged to meet a girl at a hotel during the time he wasn't speaking to me, because of being pregnant.
After that point i decided that i would finally get out of the relationship as not only was it Haraam but it was bringing me down, making me feel low and just everything that happened showed me how much this person didn't really want me. I left but, 5 months later he came back asking me to forgive him I prayed and prayed asking Allah to help me, and in one Dua i asked Allah that "if this person is right for me then. To open his heart to Islam"
A week later my boyfriend contacted me saying that he wanted to revert and marry me. I jumped at the chance thinking that if Allah could forgive him so could I. We got married Allahumdulliah, but i'm still stuck in the past...
I Cannot forget everything, i cannot forget how he treated me, i still do not trust him, furthermore on the social networking sites he still portrays himself as being single, he never mentions me or post pictures of us together, yet he will post pictures of him and other attractive girls, so i feel left in the background again, and causes us to argue, which he just says I'm jelous.
Its just that Ive never felt like i was enough for him because of the way he behaved before, if he really wanted me all of those things wouldn't have happened. He doesn't make me feel secure as not many people even know that we are married as he feels he doesn't want to say anything to them, especially the non muslims who are within his popular circles.
I feel that i have gained no benefit in staying with this person as i am self sufficient and independent financially of him. I argue with him about the past and bring up things that have happened as i have been really affected by this. I have never stayed with someone that has cheated on me and treated me this way before and overcome it and i don't know what to do from an islamic perspective.
My husband is not practicing either so it makes me wonder about how serious he really his and whether he reverted and married me just so i couldn't be with anyone else? I am really at a loss here, he says he is serious about me but taking his word for it is so difficult as he has always said this despite his actions.
I just cannot forget the past.. and it is really affecting the future!
~ Laila
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Sister Laila
Algamdulillah that you are a revert to the Deen and that your sincerity has prompted you to seek advice from an Islamic perspective - I commend you for this approach, however I have many concerns:
You married your boyfriend after a five month separation and expected he had changed his entire persona because he reverted - that raises the question as to how much of the Deen did he go and learn about in the five months before his decision to revert? Does he know anything about Islam? Did you notice a dramatic change in his demeanour such that you felt he may have changed? What are his feelings about his responsibilities towards the Almighty now? And what were they like before his reversion?
The fact that he wanted to revert (after you made Dua) for the purpose of marrying you does not automatically infer a sincere love for Islam but perhaps that he used his reversion as a means to an end because he knew you wouldn't wed him otherwise...
Secondly - he does not practice - If he does not take the Deen seriously and just used it as a means of marrying you, how do you expect that he will help to strengthen yourself in Deen and support you and encourage you to become a stronger Muslimah?
You are his halaah wife now - Why does he still indulge in social-networks in which he has conversations with other women at all? And he does not mention that he is married to anyone? This in itself sounds dangerous to your marriage and unislamic.
His motives for the marriage seem questionable if he does not acknowledge your status as his wife - if it was purely from a control standpoint in which he did not want you to be with anyone else - this is not healthy and definitely does not sound like an act of love.
Bear in mind he was responsible for your having had three abortions also, had cheated on you miultiple times and has left you looking over your shoulder ever since - is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, paranoid that he might meet up with one of the women he chats with on these social networks?
This has to stop.
As to whether or not you can trust him and whether you should remain in this marriage:
1) I recommend two special prayers - to perform the Salaah of Istikhaarah - read well about it and the prayer that accompanies it, Insha-Allah, the Almighty will open your eyes to the truth about him and makes the decision and its faciliation easy for you sister and then there is Gaja Salaah (in which you should cry out to the Almighty with the intense need in your heart)
2) Approach your husband in a respectful (and not accusatory) manner regarding the issue of these social networks and relationships with other women and express openly to him the effect it has on you and warn him of its unacceptability within the islamic context - if he is sincere about his Deen, this should have a positive effect on him.
3) Contingency planning - you need to know what you will do should a divorce become imminent. Formulate a structured plan without your mind that you will follow such that you are not debilitated by your emotional upset should this occur.
4) Stay strong sister, do what you need to and then put your trust in the Almighty. My Dua for you is for the acqusition of peace in your heart and in your life, Insha-Allah. And if this marriage is not meant for you - that you should marry someone strong in Deen such that he will inspire and encourage you and so that you may learn and grow from him, Insha-Allah.
" Gaja Salaah"
I think you mean "Salatul Haajah" 🙂
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Indeed 🙂 Jazakallah Brother
Hi laila...i am very sorry that u are going through this....my advice to u is to seek professional help....u are in a bad relationship with someone who does not honor or respect you....my prayers and heart go out to u.