Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He can’t get over my past; Is it ever going to work?

past, present, future

Past, present, future.

Hello,

I am really confused, I don't know what else I could do to prove my love and loyalty to the man I love.

I'm european girl. Since I was young I had no guidance. My parents didn't really explain me whats good or bad. I was free to go clubbing and stay late outside and it affected me badly. This problem is very huge in all European countries, it's really sad.

I don't know why, but I've been always attracted to dark men. Lots of arabic people are studying in my country: from Lebanon, Egypt, Iraq. It happened that I met one man. He was arabic and much older than me- I was only 15, he was over 25. It breaks my heart to remember all this, but this man, he ruined all my life. He took my virginity, used me and just left me in the end. Until now I can't understand how he could do something like that, as  I was still a child. After this thing happened, more people started contacting me to meet (from the Arabic community). As I had no guidance, I didn't really understand what I was doing. I was involved with people who were looking only for sex and than they left.

After few years my dad died. It was a really hard time for me and my family. Since we were 3 in the family- me, my mom and sister, it was very hard without dad. You always feel that you need someone to take care of you and feel safe. It made my situation even worse. I was trying to find a man who could support me psychologically. Since I was involved in this arabic community, all those people were looking at me only as an object which they could use. I can't understand how you can stay calm and not say anything if you see that a girl is young, and she is doing a sin. Go and advise her, but do not put her more down. Until now I can't understand how people can be so cruel. Soon those people spread bad things about me. I was feeling so ashamed. I got depressed, didn't want to do anything, and I even started missing my lessons at school. It was very hard period of my life, and I thank God that He helped me to get through.

A few years passed, and I stopped any contact with the  people from the Arabic community. They put my private life to the public. They never cared what problems I had in my life, they were just judging. They never even tried to help me. There is a saying: "Never look down, unless you are helping them up". I was praying so much and asking God to forgive me. I suffered so much, that can't even describe it with words.  🙁

After few years passed, I met my boyfriend. I did swear to myself that I will never ever look at any arabic man again, because they made my life hell. It happened that he was different. I don't know why or how, I just felt he was different. As all arabic guys here, he didn't look at me seriously in the beginning. He wanted only fun and then bye bye. But it happened that we fell in love with each other. Because he was serious about me, he was curious to know more about me. He asked people if they know something about me, but they told many bad things about me. But what's hurting the most, is that it was 4-5 years ago and they still talk this way about me- people who don't even know me personally. After my boyfriend heard all this, he came to ask me if it was true. I didn't lie about anything to  him. I told him I wasn't guided, and I did many mistakes and I was suffering so much because of it. I told him that I don't act this way now, I've learnt from my mistakes and I prayed God to forgive me. I explained that I went through hard times when my dad died. I was crying a lot. When I remember it all, it's just so, so hard. I told him this is how I am,  and if he wants to be with me, I would be the happiest girl in the world,  but if not I will understand. He chose to stay with me.

During the times we were together, he always reminded me about the past. A few times he wanted to break up, and each time I explained that I didn't do those things for my pleasure. I was really so broken, and not guided.  🙁 Once I offered him to leave me, just like all those guys did, just use me and leave. He couldn't leave me. Each time he tried, it wasn't working for him. I was trying to prove that no matter what happened in the past, he is the one for me and I will do everything to prove it. I didn't go to clubs ever again, I started wearing long clothes, I stopped any contacts with people he wasn't feeling comfortable about. Even if I didn't agree on some things, I still did everything just to show how much I love him.

He always said no other girl ever did so much for him like I did, but in the end he was still bringing my past back. What's worse, those people in the Arabic community are always telling him things like: you are still with this girl? Why you are with this girl, she won't be a good wife. They are always trying to say something bad, but why? I've never done anything bad to these people. Why they are acting this way?  They are always reminding my boyfriend about the past. They are even complaining that he spends too much time with me and similar things. Those people don't even know me personally. They don't know what I've been through. If I was still doing those bad things then I would understand, but now I changed totally. Plus they are changing girls like socks here. How they dare!

My boyfriend was influenced with the talks so much, so in the end we broke up. Not even on week passed, and we got back together. He really loves me and I love him so much, but this situation is just killing him and me. In the end, he didn't tell his friends that we got back together. He told me that when they don't know, they don't talk at all about me. But since the know we are together, they start throwing dirt on me.

Recently my boyfriend said that he wants to try to forget me, since he is in another country for summer holidays. I was so sad about the things he said, because I don't understand. This love we have for each other is pure, it's the most beautiful thing. Will he let it go only because I did mistakes in my past? I offered to let him try to change his way of thinking. Before I didn't realize that this past thing means that much to him. Now when he totally opened his heart, I offered my support and help, to forget the things in the past. He accepted.

But is it really possible to change his way of thinking? It would be so sad to give up this beautiful love only because of the past. We are all human beings, we all do mistakes. I just wish he can forgive me. I really love him so much. No matter how hard I tried, I can't get over him. The same with him. Please, any advice? I really want to help him and show him that my past doesn't mean anything for me. To show that he is the one. I wanna be with the rest of my life.

Daisy.


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35 Responses »

  1. Hi Daisy,

    I am sorry youve had to face many things. After reading your story it gave me some piece of mind that maybe Im the only that doesnt have problems as today was a very tough day for me. I too have gone thru similar heartbreak as you. Sometimes we may love someone more and that person doesnt feel the same way. You seem like a really nice grl with a gud heart. Everyone makes mistakes, we are human. If a person truly loves you none of this will matter. What will matter is you present and future. It seems as if this guy is judging you too in certain ways and his thinking is going to be similar to those middle-eastern ppl cuz thats where he is from and he cant change that.

    I understand how hard it is wen u love someone and care abt them, are willing to change, make an effort, and arent getting a positive response. You deserve that same love and care in return my friend, please dont settle we only live once.

    Yes, you loved this guy and tried to show him how much you've changed. Now if he doesnt accept u whole heartedly that is his fault. No one can judge besides Allah (SWT.)

    I will pray for you my friend, may Allah guide you and always ask Him to do what is good for you. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may think something may be good for us but it really isnt, but you never know so leaving it to Allah is the best think to do at this point hun.

    Im glad you found this site, you arent alone and inshAllah you will find this to be very helpful and useful like many of us are. God bless

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    TOM DICK AND HARRY -INFATUATION OF LIFE IS THE WEAKNESS IN YOU-THE TITLE WE CAN GIVE TO THIS STORY-LIKE FLOWER WAITING FOR THE BEES TO SUCK THE NECTAR AND LEAVE-
    DEAR YOU HAVE BEEN TOO FAST FROM THE AGE 15 TO SEARCH FOR HUSBAND AND THAT MADE YOU RECIEVE DECEIVING MEN IN YR LIFE-

    INSTEAD OF LEAVING ALL AND GOING AHEAD WITH YOUR STUDIES YOU LOOKED COMPANY THEY LOOKED FOR TIME PASS ARAB OR NO ARAB ALL ARE SAME -YOUR OWN COUNTRY WHITES ARE MASTERS IN THIS FIELD.

    IT IS BETTER LEAVE HIM FORGET THIS LAST INFATUATION BEE AND TURN TOWARDS ALLAH- YOU WILL GET SOMEONE WHO WILL COME AS LIFE PARTNER AND YOU NEED NOT DISCLOSE ALL YR PAST WITH HIM TAKE LIFE AS IT COMES BUT THE MORE YOU THINK OF THIS LAST BEE YOU WILL SUFFER MORE AND LOOSE YOUR HEALTH-HE JUST USED YOU AND LEFT MAY BE IN A DIFFERENT MANNER BY SHOWING DOING FALSE PRETENCE AS IF HE HE REALLY WANTED TO MARRY YOU-

    HOPE THIS ADVICE WILL WORK AND U WILL SAFEGAURD YR SELF -
    REGARDS

    • @ ALI:

      Salaam,

      We cant judge "Whites" becuz u just mentioned Arab/non-Arab all are same. I think it depends on the person (guy) too.

      Just cuz of wut the negative stereotype that the media portrays, or movies is doesnt mean that all whites will be bad. There is good and bad everywhere you go...

      • ASSALAMALAIKUM
        SAMETHING I TOLD U DIDNT UNDERSTAND-
        ALL ARE SAME -SHE HERSELF CONFIRMED THIS
        I was free to go clubbing and stay late outside and it affected me badly. This problem is very huge in all European countries, it's really sad.SO I REPLIED .....
        WE BOTH MEANT THE SAME-
        There is good and bad everywhere you go...
        REGARDS

      • AsSalaam Alaikum,

        I read it like he was using "whites" as one example of non-Arabs...maybe I am wrong.

    • Dear ALI YOUSUFF,

      Thanks for your advice. I was not sure about one sentense You wrote: DEAR YOU HAVE BEEN TOO FAST FROM THE AGE 15 TO SEARCH FOR HUSBAND AND THAT MADE YOU RECIEVE DECEIVING MEN IN YR LIFE. INSTEAD OF LEAVING ALL AND GOING AHEAD WITH YOUR STUDIES YOU LOOKED COMPANY.

      I actually wasn't looking for men company or someone to marry...Since my dad died it was such a big loss for me and my family...I wasn't feeling safe...I felt like I need shoulder to lean on. It was very hard situation for everyone in my family. My mom was working from morning till evening just that we would have something to eat. My sister was also studying from early till late. I know in Islamic community families are usually big, lots of sisters brothers, aunts, uncles...But here is different...So it was really hard, I felt really lonely. I wished I had a shoulder to lean on, that someone could listen to me, advice me...It was very easy to use this situation against me for those men I met...I was naive, not experienced, without guidance, what could be better huh? But what I am wondering till now...They should be proud to support someone if they see that a person is lost and without guidance...Non of them said a word. Why? For me, in general, I would be proud to advice someone so that person would understand his mistake, its a great thing. Are people so careless these ages?

  3. Salaam sister,

    To be honest it's true man is man it doesn't matter what colour they are if you give these men the opportunity to use you then they will. Sister if you want to forget your past and move on then you need to tell your partner that your past is your past it has nothing to do with your today you are repenting for what you did and only Allah knows best. Then tell him if he mentions your past to you again it will be over between you and him. Also sister if you do want to be with this man then really you need to marry him because if you are having sexual relations then this is also part if the same sin! And you say you are not like this anymore! You need to stop having sexual relation before marriage, then you will find out if he loves you or us just using you. Sister sincerely repent to Allah ask him for guidance, worship Allah all the time and you will find true peace in your life. Insha Allah. All the best

    • "To be honest it's true man is man it doesn't matter what colour they are if you give these men the opportunity to use you then they will." - That's a bit of a generalization isn't it? So you're telling me that all men use women, if a man marries a woman he will use her then leave her?

      • Asim: "To be honest it's true man is man it doesn't matter what colour they are if you give these men the opportunity to use you then they will." - That's a bit of a generalization isn't it? So you're telling me that all men use women, if a man marries a woman he will use her then leave her?

        Married men will also do it if they get an opportunity and they have the lust factor alive. Twentry percent of Saudis divorce and main reason is infidelity. This happens when women are controlled and kept under burqa. Just imagine if Saudi women had the same freedom as their American sisters. Fear of being lashed or being honor killed keeps some people from doing it. A woman has to think about consequences, like getting pregnant or loosing virginity.

        • In my opinion, men, who fear God and follow the religion, would never use the oppurtunity to have sex with a girl and after leave her. God teach us to do the same for people as we want to receive. The worst thing is when the one sining and kowing that he is doing a sin also incourages another person to do it (another person might be not understanding about the consequences or what kind of big sin he is doing). Nothing happens only with 1 person, it takes 2 people to make sex, to make a baby. We should all take care of each other and try to save each other from sins. It's very easy to blame, or judge. What matters the most is in your soul, It doesnt matter you wear burqa or no. There are plenty of people that wear burqa only in order to make a good impression for other people. Is it called being religious? Nop...The most important thing is to keep love in your heart and try do your best in this life. We all have a beautiful present to repent. We all do mistakes, and we learn from them. Life didn't come with instructions. The most important is to accept people as they are, but not to push them down and remember their faults, but to encourage not to sin again..to support each other.

          • Daisy: In my opinion, men, who fear God and follow the religion, would never use the oppurtunity to have sex with a girl and after leave her

            Do you think priests, Imams and Quran teachers follow religion and have a fear of God? Just search rape and priest or imam or Quran teacher.
            Why do you think Muslim women are not allowed to be alone with a non-mehram man?
            Islam does not say a Muslim women can be alone with God fearing non-mehram men.

            I am not saying people should engage in sex without marriage.

            People get lashed or get killed for having illegal sex. Fear of getting lashed or killed keeps many people from doing sex ouside marriage. No it is not fear of religion.

          • SVS,

            These people who only retrain themselves from sin because of being lashed or stoned are not true practicing muslims. As Allah knows exactly what is in our hearts. Allah knows our thoughts. A persons true character and the depth of their deen is only known to Allah.

            What a person does when he/she is alone with noone to see their actions is their character, is their taqwa. A person should avoid sin whether they are in public or private. The people who are good in from of public and commit sins in private are hypocrites!

  4. Dear sister daisy,you sound so lost and without guidance and security,you are vulnerable and delicate because you have been searching for some solace in your life and you have been taken advantage by these predators ,these men seek out young naive girls such as yourself,and when they have feasted on you, they dump u.it's is very very sad,and you are not alone this happens to many women.what I strongly suggest is that you learn about Islam,and convert ! This will give you the peace ,security ,and solace that you are searching for.when you convert to Islam all your past sins will be erased,and it will be like a major do over! And then as a Muslim woman you will not reveal your past sins to any one.focus on Allah in your life make him your priority ,and studying ,working,doing productive things in your life,that will bring you to a place of peace and contentment in your life,that you deserve! If your heart is filled with the love of Allah,there won't be any room for this man,that man to come in and out of your life,you need to take a leap of faith and trust in Allah that he will bring a husband to your life for you,when the time is right ,Allah has a much better plan for us in our lives than we could ever imagine.the damage that has been done to you it's Allah that can heal you Lil sis not another man.please take good care of yourself ,you are a precious gem!! Do not allow any man come around and tarnish you!

    • ASAALAMALAIKM IN ENGLISH PEACE BE UNTO YOU-
      when you convert to Islam all your past sins will be erased

      YES YOU WILL AS A NEW BORN BABY AND THE TAHT DAYON WARDS YOUR ACCOUNT WILL START AND YOU LEAD A RELIGIOUS IT WILL BE BETTER THAN OURS BECASUE WE ARE ALREADY BORN MUSLIMS AND OUR ACCOUNTS ARE DONT KNOW IN WHAT CONDITION-
      BUT YOU WILL BE THE WINNER SO IF UYPOU HAVE TO STUDY ABOUT ISLAM

    • I agree with Senna completely. Islam is the way to get free of your past in the eyes of God.

      However, I don't believe that this man will ever stop blaming you for your past. Men in general have a hard time accepting that a woman has been with other men, and if they are men he knows that makes it worse. He's already shown you that he can't let go of it. It's time to break up with him and move on.

      I get the feeling you are still young. Take time without any man in your life. Do not date or have boyfriends. Work on your connection with God. Build a life for yourself through studies, hobbies, etc. Build your self-esteem. Don't discuss your past with anyone. When the time is right you will meet a good man.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I second the response given by Sister Senna.

      Learn about Islam and you would find the truth and the solace you have been looking for here and there.
      we all here with a purpose, you can find that purpose if you learn about Islam. it will surely help you.
      in general, i would advice to gain self confidence and try to enjoy the beauty of life, focus on your studies, take up your hobbies, do good deeds, help your mother and sister in whatever way you can. Do not pay attention to those people who think negative of you and if you believe me that guy is not worth. he is not serious for you, he too is just taking advantage of yours, please save yourself from him. Life still can be good without a man. change your thinking. Do not date or have boyfriends. Do not disclose your past with anyone. Think positive, act positive and you will see wonders.

      Good Luck

      Your Sister

  5. Hi Dear Daisy,

    The man who deserves the depth of your love is a Muslim man who will not make you fight for your rights and dignity, no matter your past. He will protect them. He will want to meet your mother, no matter how old you are because he understands that you are precious and loved by someone. Daisy, you will see him as both the most strong and the most compassionate man because that is his training. And he will not undress you until he has promised to be with you for the rest of your life, give you security and love, and respect you for who you have become today. He will make his promises in front of his family and your family by way of marriage. You sound to me like a special lady. Wait for this special man because he needs you as much as you need him. I hope while you are waiting you can take time to better your life for your sake and happiness and you can learn more about Islam.

    with peace

    • although your boyfriend has been the nicest to you, I do not think he is good enough for you. I actually think the used metaphor above- the flower and the bee, is quite poignant, and worth a moment's consideration

    • Dear Hana,

      Thanks for your reply. It was wonderful to read, it touched my heart...The man you described is exactly what I always wanted...

      • Daisy: Thanks for your reply. It was wonderful to read, it touched my heart...The man you described is exactly what I always wanted..

        But all men (arab or non-arabs) you have met used you for SEX only.
        If you meet a nice guy don't talk about your past. Tell him you are a "virgin". Most non-Western girls will not talk about their short term dates or flings with any one. Repent about your sins.

        • SVS,
          Not all men I met only used me. And it's not like I was comitting a sin with every man I met in my life. I met wonderful people who never touched me.That's why I was giving an example that it depends on the person: if you will have an oppurtunity to commit sin with a girl will you go ahead for it or you will controle yourself. As I mentioned it takes 2 people to commit adultery.
          Anyways, as Sumaira mentioned: These people who only retrain themselves from sin because of being lashed or stoned are not true practicing muslims. As Allah knows exactly what is in our hearts. Allah knows our thoughts. A persons true character and the depth of their deen is only known to Allah.

          So true words. If you don't do something only because you are scared to be killed, you are not truly loving God. If you don't do it because you don't wanna dissapoint and hurt God with your bad behaviour, that's true love for God.

          No one has a right to kill another only because that person sinned differently. And we sin all. Yes, adultery is a most grievous sin in Islam, and therefore, whoever has been guilty of it, must repent to Allah. And we all have right to repent!

          Once a person has repented sincerely, he is forgiven. Allah says, “Save him who repents and believes, and does good works; those, Allah shall change their misdeeds into good works. And Allah is Forgiving, Compassionate.” (Q. 25: 70) The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “One who has sincerely repented of a sin is like one who has never sinned.”

  6. hi,

    after reading your post I can tell this is not love, he is just messing with you till he finds something better. he knows your past, yet he keeps bringing it up? take a step back you can clearly tell his taking advantage, break away now otherwise the impact will be 3 x worse. don't get fooled.

    peace..

  7. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Daisy,

    It seems like your boyfriend is a none-practicing Muslim brother. So just throw him away and continue with your new life. That would be better for your future life.

    And one thing I think is that, it will be hard for you to find a none-practicing Muslim man (in our own community) who will be accepting you sincerely, after knowing your past. He might never forget it and he might just keep you for sex, and not for marriage, and even if he married you, he might always blame you for your past every time there is an argument, and that may lead to a divorce, abuse or anything.

    The solution for you is to repent to Allah sincerely, and then focus on learning the good way of life, that Islam teaches us, and then start practicing from your heart (Don't have sex with ANYONE again before marriage, because that makes you lose the chances of inviting good Muslim brothers into your life). And at the same time, you should be expecting a religious practicing Muslim brother to be married to (NOT a none-religious practicing Muslim). The religious practicing Muslim brother could at least fear Allah and have mercy on you, but that will be difficult for a none-religious practicing Muslim man, especially in our community.

    Also, it's not obligated of you to tell your husband about your whole past story, especially when you can't trust him or you can't guess what his reactions are going to be like. If you have repented sincerely to Allah, then it means there is nothing left in your past, so you shouldn't tell anyone that you have a past. It's NOT a lie because Allah has forgiving you and your past has been wiped away.

    May The Almighty Allah help you!!!

    • The Prophet of Islam (Muhammad) may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him says:

      "Islam wipes off all past sins"

      Which means that, by accepting Islam, all your past sins shall be forgiven and wiped away at once.

      Your husband is not the one to forgive you, but it's only your Creator (Allah) who is entitled to forgiving you and He is capable of doing so, for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful

  8. seems like she's a non-muslim.

  9. Daisy, can you move away? Perhaps if possible you should just move hundreds of miles away to a place where you are unknown and begin your life again without making the same mistakes. That way you can truly put your past away for good.

  10. If this helps at all... You will be a stronger, better person once the pain is gone. In my case after years of suffering the pain is still there and will always be, but you know what? I learned to live with the pain, I made it a part of me. It didnt bring me down it made me stronger and for that reason I chose not to forget. I know it's hard but with Gods will anything and everything is possible. Time truly does cure everything! GOOD LUCK SISTER! Sending Lots of love and blessings your way!

  11. Just stay awayyyy from
    Guys for a while be yourself sister and be there for your mother and sister!!! And honestly if this guy really lone you, he would have understand past is past so let him go and stop repeating again.

  12. Thank you so much for all that commented, I really appreciate that. I was waiting so much when my post will be published. I just left everything behind..my past...Now I am concentrated on my work, family and God. As many people advised I really need time to stay alone, specially stay away from man. Thanks for everyone support, it means so much for me. Sending lots of love, this site is great!

  13. The European and American society is portrayed as being extremely lustful and open about their sexuality, and to a great extent it is true.

    Ofcourse each nation has its exceptions, and i believe sister you are one.
    AliYoussef has rightly said that White men ie. European and of the Americas are masters of this trade.
    The muslims in non muslim nations are also forgetting their Islamic values and have for the most part adopted the secular ways of life called the Modern Way of living..ie YOLO...lol

    Anyway, not to point fingers at any one, i would just like to enlighten the fact that if this brother agreed to make you his Girl...then you should know that he may not be very different from the selfish, abusive men you have faced in the past.

    And ladies, please dont tell men about your pasts, we do not forgive and we do not forget these things.

    • Dear Wulk,

      I agree with you that it is too open in Europe. It shouldn't be!

      There is one thing I don't like about muslim people in Europe, that they are commiting adultery, but yet thinking that they are still much better than other people. I don't see in what they are better? And its really ridiculious when they are commiting adultery and than saying when they will go back home, will find a virgin girl and marry her and live happily. They don't even seem sorry of feeling bad about what they do. They just point out that they are men and its ok. As if commiting adultery is a sin only for a girl, not for a men. This is totally wrong.

  14. Wael,I lyk mst of ur advice!!!keep it up,ijst learnt omething frm you.

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