Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why can’t I just love my husband?

no communication

Hi all, wanting some sound, honest advice.

I am 26 years old and have been married for 6 years now and have a child (2 years old). I had an arranged marriage (from abroad) and never expected a fairy tale ending. I was always aware that love grows in a marriage and knew it would be hard work (I am the youngest of 6 children - all are married).

When I first married my husband I realised we had little in common and tried very hard to find a common ground, taking interest in sport and his choice of TV. I had hoped that as we spent time together that my feelings for him would grow. I would always try and plan things for us to do hoping to bond with him in some way. My husband was never interested in this - was just happy visiting his family. I found we just had nothing to talk about.

We began to argue over little things, I began to resent having to spend every spare minute with his family and started to feel trap as he didn't even say hello to mine. We both worked very hard and had little time to ourselves anyway, I was so tired all the time as I did the household chores too.

I had always been an independant women both emotional and financially but once my daughter was born I began to feel vunurable. I realised for the first time how I had always craved conversation, emotional support and to have an understanding with my husband. I just broke down - I had aways ignored these problems before as I had thought in time we would develop love and understanding for each other, no marriage is perfect. I am now so confused and don't know how I feel about him. I have tried to talk to him each time resulting in a new argument.

My husband now works nights and I during the day, we can sometimes go days without seeing each other. To be honest I prefer this way, when he is at home I feel suffocated and unhappy - he has started to notice this and on occasion has asked if I love him. I just want to scream sometimes - I want to be free and just can't bear him near me. My husband now wants another child as he feels the child will bring us closer together. I do not want to have another as I already feel so unhappy and am not in control of my emotions.

I don't want to hurt my husband because he is a good father and has never been violent towards me. I just don't know what to do anymore.


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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I imagine one of the reasons Islam teaches against arranged marriages is because there is too great a risk that an incompatible couple be linked with one another, and find themselves in situations just like your own. I have to give it to you, it sounds like you tried to approach it with an open mind and give it your best shot even when it wasn't working out in the direction you hoped for.

    If you decided to stay with him, it could go one of two ways: things could change, or they won't. Honestly, I doubt they will change on their own or even with the birth of a child, because if that were the case it would've happened by now. If the relationship is going to change, it is going to need help outside of yourselves to do so. What I mean by this is having a counselor work with you both to look at what's going on from an objective view and help you try to change the patterns that are causing this dissatisfaction. Have you considered doing that, or tried it yet? If not, I suggest you give it a shot.

    If things don't change, you have a pretty clear view of what to expect as the marriage continues. The question then becomes, are you willing and/or able to tolerate living in that type of marriage? Some people are able to come to peace with a lackluster marriage and find enough benefit in the stability of it to stay in it and let the "dreams of love" go. Some people would go crazy thinking of spending their life like that, and come to the conclusion that the only way is out.

    You are going to have to weigh that balance for yourself. If a couple marries and encounters problems that aren't solveable despite their best efforts, and they feel they cannot abide with each other peaceably or comfortably, they can mutually agree to walk away and move on in different directions. You may run into a problem if your husband has more feelings for you than you do him, and he wants to hang on when you want to be free. You have a lot of variables that are going to need examining before you will know what you want to do, and making istikhara will help as well. But I still advise you to try bringing a neutral third party in first to see if it can make a difference, because it just may.

    -Amy Editor

    • Does Islam teach against 'arranged marriages'?

      SisterZ Editor

      • If the definition of an arranged marriage (and I'm not aware of any other definitions other than this one) is when a groom and bride are paired and married without the necessary consent of one or both of them.

        -Amy Editor

        • Oh, Amy what you have described is more like a 'Forced Marriage'. Evil things they are.


        • I was under the impression an arranged marriage is basically the same thing as being 'set up.' The only difference is it's done within Islamic guidelines (chaperoned - not alone) and is usually done by parents or at least involving parents and family.

          I think you do need to have some spark first though/common ground so thats why its important to spend time getting to know first and establish whether or not you can grow in love together. Correct me if Im wrong.


          • I agree.

            Sparks are very far and few these days though my dear Sara. I see only one spark and that one is far far away out of my reach like a glittering shining star high up in the night sky. Looks like the energy companies have gobbled up all the sparks with their rising electricity costs. A small and tired giggle from London as I retire to my bed.



          • Yes it is a shame. Lol so thats where the sparks have all gone!
            Gosh it is late actually. Jzk for reminding me.
            Shabakhaire. 🙂

  2. Oh my God.... I just want to say that I read your question and I felt like someone was writing in complete detail my own story! I also am 26 yrs old and the only difference is my 2 year old is a boy, and my marriage is 4 years old. I wish so much that I could help you sister but since I'm in the same exact situation I can only pray for me and you. I know how much it hurts to not feel like your husband is your soulmate.... To never be able to understand or lean on one another... I have a constant pain inside that i can never get used to... It is so hard for me to accept that this is the man I have been waiting for all my life. I did pray countless istikhara when he asked proposed to me and agreed thinking I would fall in love with Him after marriage...yet although I didn't find any sparks after marriage.... I believe that this is what Allah chose for me in His infinite wisdom and that there is no way I could've made a wrong decision.... Someone recently told me that Allahs wisdom and love for us especially when we ask Him to choose for us is definately there.... we just can't always see it as sometimes its not in the form of answer that we had in mind.... For now sister what I can share with you is the way I cope with the situation is to remember Allah, to thank Him and pray to Him to make me strong.... And to give me patience in this hardship.... Who knows maybe one day we will find this all in our hasanat....and I try my best to ignore the shaitan when I start thinking about regret and my marriage as amistake.... And try to take it day by day I guess....I'm still struggling as you are and hope Allah will bring our heartache to ease 🙁

  3. Hi. I have a similar situation I had my girl so love would be formed between us. I got married to my hub to keep my parents happi I was emot blakmailled in maryin him. The guy I wanted to marry my fam disagreed as he wasn't wealthy enuf. I can't continue with my life helpp

    • gal 786, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

    • I knw hw ur feeling i got sent back home in 2007 and got told to marry him or i won't come bk 2 the UK, so i tried for the sake of Allah i have 2 children of him but i dnt love him he's al fake pretends to be nice

  4. I'm 29 I been marryed for 14 years I no 15 I got marred he was 16 were both romaine I got 3 kids and I cant go on much longer we lost it we can't even talk I'm so unhappy I don't no Wat to do I have no were to go no money he wrecked my car and I wanna b happy I keep doin this for kids help we don't talk no nothing

    • nicole, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and give us more information about your marriage and your situation.

      Wael Editor

    • Sorry I don't mean to be nosey, I'm in the same situation, did u manage to get anything sorted?

  5. salam,

    you should better nip this problem in the bud because dear sister, i have been through the exact feeling of putting some matter which hurts us in the back burner and let it forget but truth be told, that in this way the pain increases and the satisfaction diminishes and you will never find peace of mind. its a lot better that you pull yourself together and instead of making your life a living hell, you resolve this situation and i hope that your efforts won't go in vain

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