Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can’t stop thinking about a prospect that didn’t get anywhere

text message

Salam all, I need some truthful advice.

I have meant this guy. I haven't done anything with him. He is 27 and I am 19. Our relationship at the time wasn't physical and never had been.  Feelings started to develop and I knew it was going to turn to a boyfriend girlfriend relationship,  so I asked him if he was serious about me he said yes and we discussed marriage as I said that that was the only thing I was interested in.

We both decided to read istikhara. After we read istikhara I told my older brother and mum (as he mentioned that he had told his mum) and they he and his family were going to come around with a proposal in January 2010. I never told him that I had told my brother or mum. He started being off with me all of a sudden and stopped texting and calling me. So I text him and asked him if everything was okay and if he was drawing the line. I didn't get a text back,  just a voice mail message telling me to ring him. I did and then I texted but still no reply. I eventually gave up and tried to get over him,  but I couldn't - I was dreaming about him and I lost trust at home.

A couple of months later, I decided to text him and he replied and asked how I was and kept saying he missed me. I replied to the message simply saying that he was a nice guy but what he did was wrong and U hope he doesn't do it to any body else. He asked for forgiveness and said that he was falling for me and that when I  told him that is was serious (as I told my family) I left the ball in his court. But he didn't do anything so we started speaking again and I read my istikhara again but then he was being off with me again. This time it didn't bother me much,  as I had my exams and need to concentrate on them.

I lost all my contact list so I sent him an email saying I've lost his number and he replied two and half months later,  giving me his number and telling me he misses me and that he's been texting me on my old phone (which he couldn't have as my old number cannot recieve any incoming calls or messages). I didn't reply as I really need to concentrate on my studies.  He sent me another email that had my name on it and question marks and he put a beautiful ayat of the Qu'ran on it.  I replied back to his email asking for him to forgive me and that whatever happened in the past was pre-ordained for us and that this was our decree and said it wouldnt be good if we have each others number.

He emailed back sayin that I was probably the single biggest regret and for me to find it in my heart and forgive him..this just made me cry and now I feel low! If he isnt meant to be for me then why does he keep coming in and out of my life?  Although I have sent him an emails saying that I don't want to be with him.....I REALLY like him but am just sick of the messing around... I want to stop thinking about him as I always see and dream of us being together. I can't concentrate on my studies as he is on my mind.

Can some one help me pleaseeeeee??? Is there any supplications to read to get over him and stop thinking about him?


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5 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualayum,

    Sister, whatever this guy is doing is not right and is not being clear. If you have noticed, he only ever contacts you in response to your messages, even if it is months later. He must have something going on in his life that you do not know about, perhaps another girl?

    I would advise you to break all contact with him and try to control your nafs. How can you like someone who does not have the courtesy to be clear with you about such an important matter? If you have to contact him for closure, then do so, but I do not think he deserves to be contacted by you. If you do need to say something to him, tell him by email that you do not appreciate his behaviour to date and you do not wish to remain in contact with someone who does not have the manners or courtesy to be upfront and then ask him to stop contacting you. Once you have said what you need to say - 'mean it'. It is of course your choice, you can either be upfront yourself or allow yourself to be messed about by this person.

    Shaytan is always trying to make us trip up and that is exactly what is happening here. He is playing with your nafs and is making this man seem enticing to you, so he whispers into your ears and into your heart. Don't let him pull your strings. Hold on tightly to the rope of Allah and focus on your Salaah, recite Quran, do dhikr, read Ayatul Qursi, Surah Ikhlas, Surah Falaq and Nas before you sleep.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. Salaam,

    One sentence of advice for you.

    Forget he ever existed, try and in time you will, a man like him is a waste, please FORGET HIM.


  3. Umm am sure this question has been posted before =S


  4. In the name of Allah, the most beneficent, the merciful:

    I pray that our depressed sister comes out of this difficult situation. I can testify that it is probably the most difficult for people with utmost sincerity. I myself am i victim of this as i married to a girl in the country of my citizenship and brought her here in the United States with me, and she left me within 25 days after our arrival in the US and committed violence on me twice which left me petrified. So much so, she or Allah knows better [her family], not sure, dragged our divorce for 9 months just to lambaste me as much as they can for being sincere committed to them. Though, I am happy, they got what they wanted and i by the grace of Allah got what was better for me since this is all what i prayed and i think sister you should too.

    My divorce is not finalized. However what i learned from this pernicious life experience of mine is that "no wonder we who call ourself muslims are being stultified at, across the globe. The blame must not go to Americans, or Christians or any other religion or nation, but the fault is ours and ours only. We the so called muslims are the worst enemy of each other and majority of us are spending our lives doing nothing but ripping each other apart. May Allah give all of us Hidayat.

    Sister I suggest you recite Dua Istakhara every morning with the Niyat/Dua that whatever is best for you, your social standing and your religion Allah may make it easier for you. And then take a stand Inshallah Allah will make it easier, quicker and simpler for you. Strengthen your faith sister, and whatever you are going through may be nothing but a mercy from Allah, you don't know a lot of times what's good for you. The way i look at your situation is that its a blessing that this happened to you much earlier. Think about the situation where this could have happened after your marriage and/or after you had kids, this would have been much more painful then. So please, don't be ungrateful to Allah. Bootstrap your life with righteousness and patience , if you want to marry, first you must learn in the light of Islam, what exactly is a marriage ? and what is the role you are suppose to play and the role the Husband is suppose to play to have a successful marriage ?

    Prepare yourself for you role and find a partner who is prepared to play his role. Then Inshallah you will be one of the happiest couples. Marriage is a very important decision of your life, don't take it emotionally, for taking it emotionally and with a narrow approach can ruin your life and your children's too. The only key to a successful marriage is to understand and to implement what Allah has enjoined upon good a wife and a good husband.

  5. Dear jzk
    Please do not contact this man he is a player and is hiding something because if he was really interested in marrying you he would have brought his family around like you said. He is a waste of space don’t waste your time on him and FORGET him. The truth is he wants one thing off you and not interested in marrying you my honest advise move on and concentrate on your studies. Trust me your still very young inshallah you will find someone 10 times better than him who will love you.

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