Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Carnal urges, faith problems, and fed up with life

Ibn-Al-Qayyim-Fear-and-Hope

Assalamu alaikum, I am a 16 yr old boy in England but from South Asia. I have two problems: my iman, and my difficulties with controlling my food and sex drive.

1.) My faith in Islam is very shaky. The thing is, you see, how can you prove anything right? Whether it be an atheist, buddhist, hindu, christian or muslim, at the end, they all have to take a leap of faith that their belief is right, because u can't definitively prove God exists or not with 100% certainty. Ur arguments may take u 80% of the way, but the remaining 20% u need to have faith in.
And that makes me depressed. How can we have faith in Allah? What if it turns out Allah doesn't exist? There would be no point in Muslims believing in the sharia and arguing that their religion is right in face of Western criticisms of Islam that it is backward. Of course, if Allah does exist, then regardless of what others say we should follow what HE says.
Let me make this clear: I believe in Islam, but the fact that I need to take a leap of faith to do so depresses me. I feel that the only way to be certain whether God exists or not is to commit suicide. Then, if Allah is there, I'll know (but suicide is haram which makes me sad again), or if God and the afterlife are fake, then what is the purpose of life? We might as well be like animals? There is no need for any standards, any ethics, any whatsoever because there would be no reason for it. It is just so confusing and depressing that I don't want to live my life hanging in confusion until I finally die, and know the answer (if God exists) or not know the answer (if there is no afterlife, which means after death I would have no 'consciousness' to 'know').
I know this might seem ridiculous, but it really does burn my heart. I want to know that Allah is there, but I feel so far removed and my iman is weak because of the above philosophical questions that i brood on every passing day. My prayers are dropping off in their timing and frequency, and My iman is also weak because of my 2nd problem.

2.) I have a problem with food. I am overweight, and cannot control my urge to eat. In fact, I can't control my impulses at all. Partially this is an age thing because until the age of about 25 the part of the brain involved in impulse control has not fully developed (allegedly), but that doesn't detract from the fact that I have this food addiction that I can't control.
My second addiction is to pornography and masturbation. I started to get into these two things when I was about 11 or 12 (can't remember), and it's been going on since. The frequency of me watching porn has decreased a lot now though, coz of the parental controls i installed. And i understand the sex in porn is fake, that it purely focuses on male (usually; sometimes female) pleasure, while the Islamic attitude to sex is: that sexual desires are (obviously) given by God, like the desire for food, but there are certain boundaries Allah has set on how we can fulfill these urges (within marriage), and that intimacy between spouses is an act of 'worship' (huh?) apparently because it is a halal means of fulfilling our desires while protecting us from zina, and also because of the closeness and love it creates inevitably between husband and wife (the relationship which Allah describes in the Quran as that which gives you the 'coolness of [your] eyes', or words to that effect). I understand all of that, and I know women aren't prostitutes always ready with perfect bodies to do what men want them to do (this is the impression porn gives). But despite my understanding that porn is fantasy, and despite reading around the severity of zina in Islam, I can't persuade myself to stop googling images of attractive women or (now rarely) visiting actual porn sites. The desire is so strong and I can't control myself, and THAT MAKES ME DEPRESSED.
Because now I realise what the Prophet (peace be upon him) meant (oh god that guy had such wisdom; wish he was still around to talk to; he would understand me totally) when he said 'The strong man is not he who defeats the weak in a fight, but the strong man is he who can control his anger'. Because when I succumb to my desires and masturbate to these online images, afterwards, I just feel so depressed at the sheer power that a woman's physique has on my male mind. That is natural (and vice versa for men's bodies on women's minds), but the fact that I can't control it and ask protection from Allah (even Prophet Yusuf had to ask protection from Allah when Al-Aziz's wife tempted him, but he was one with sincere and invulnerable faith), makes me feel disempowered and weak, which make me depressed. I can't stop thinking about women (ok, that's a hyperbole, but when i see a beautiful woman my mind blanks momentarily and then i feel sad that i couldn't control myself, that i didn't have the discipline).

I just feel suicidal, it would be so sweet to die and escape this harsh, selfish world where I can't survive. But I am too scared to kill myself coz i am careful enough to research suicide methods, and i still haven't found a painless one (except jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, but that's in the USA, and still painful for a few seconds).
I wish I wasn't born.

I don't even know whether u people can help me with ur words, but please somebody say something sincerely to me. Please.
Assalamu alaikum

PS-if u haven't read everything i've written, don't bother writing an answer.

salahuddin11234

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3 Responses »

  1. BROTHER ,Search for Zakir Naik videos in Google about most of logical questions and Islam .He is the best logical person who propagates Islam through his talk ...for your problem I will advise you to be regular in namaz ...keep reading Quran .insha allah it will help you increasing your imaan .

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Sixteen years old is a tough age to be. At that age, we feel invincible and feel that we are smart enough to take on the world.

    When it comes to believing in Allah swt, you are right, we have to have faith. There are many proofs that Allah swt exists, but people argue proofs one way or another. So, in this respect, faith is a decision that you will either be rewarded for or punished for lacking.

    Allah swt says in the Quran [55:33]
    "O company of jinn and mankind, if you are able to pass beyond the regions of the heavens and the earth, then pass. You will not pass except by authority [from Allah ]."

    The Author of the Quran is the Only One at the time when the Quran was revealed that could know that we could travel beyond the earth and break through the atmosphere--this invitation to fly and soar into the sky could only be by the Creator of this world. There are many many more examples that Allah swt has given us in the Quran, but also things that just exist in nature. If you feel that your faith is dwindling, then rejuvenate it through learning about the Quran coupled with investigating deeper into Science and Mathematics. There will be things there that will not leave doubt in your faith, but rather solidify and leave you room to question that Allah swt exists. But remember one thing, Allah says in the Quran [6:39]
    "Those who reject Our Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) are deaf and dumb in darkness. Allah sends astray whom He wills and He guides on the Straight Path whom He wills."

    So, Allah swt is warning us about a darkness that we should beware of--in that darkness we have to reject proofs, evidences, verses and lessons--if darkness lies in rejecting those things, then escaping that darkness would involve finding those proofs, evidences, verses and lessons to come towards the light. You are not helpless, you have to search and be active in your own salvation. We humans are a special creation that Allah swt intentionally made and though not everything is obvious to us, that is part of our test. And in passing this test, there is a great reward, greatest of which will be meeting the One who Created us.

    For your porn addiction, there are many posts on this site that can help you to overcome this problem. I will suggest that remember we should respect for every woman, regardless of her relationship to you. I am sure you would not want a strange man ogling your mother or sister, so try to use this thought to detract you from relieving your desires through haram means.

    Finally, for your food addiction-and since you have mentioned a porn addiction as well--you may have to consider counselling to help you with impulse control before it gets out of hand. You should probably try to replace one bad food choice with one good food choice every week and slowly change your lifestyle so that you can stick to it. It is hard to go from one extreme to another and maintain it if attempted through drastic means.

    May Allah swt increase you in Emaan, ease your worries, aid you in your struggles and along with giving you victory in your tests, may Allah swt give you patience and more wisdom, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

    • Asalam Alaykum bro Salahudin, its really a hardtime for u at the moment and unfortunately, many people around the world also face these things, my dua for u, them and myself is that may Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) guide us aright and establish our feets firm in the deen,اللهم آمِيّنْ...
      Good advices hv bn given here already n Jazakallahu khairan to "logical and saba". What I wld js like to add is in line with "saba's" comment, I think u really really need to get out, find a very good Ustadhz/ Imam who takes classes on Islam, sunnah, fiqh, Quran etc, make sure he's well learned and he is someone people see as sincere n dedicated to the Sunnah, n foremost he should be someone who's not too old so you can speak with him easily and he can really understand your case n always be willing to advice/assist u anyway he can, u may jst have him as a personal teacher if u don't want to join the large class, etc, such Ustadhz r everywhere, u jst gottu search for them bro, that would really help rather than staying put and contemplating on an already settled issue of "If God exists or not" what u gottu do now is 2work on how to convince yourself further that God exists and there is life after this life. Hope this helps Iη Sнαα Aℓℓααн,..ѕαℓαм αℓαукυм ωαгαнмαтυℓℓαн ωαвαгαкαтυн

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