Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel so guilty. Am I the cause of my wife’s death?

grief black and white, face in hands

As-salam-alaikum, my name is Shams and I live in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Me and my wife are both teachers. We got married about 9 years ago and we have a son who is aged about 6 years. One fine day my wife was on leave and she also wanted me to take leave. So i lied to my headmaster saying my wife is suffering from fever and she is hospitalised in XYZ hospital, and she is getting discharged tomorrow so i need to be with her. My headmaster granted leave.

We spent nice time by taking leave. I felt very guilty and i was shocked as to why did these words come out of my mouth. I could have easily told my head master that there is some function etc.. that i want to attend. However i did not tell my wife that i had lied to headmaster for taking leave thinking that she might feel bad. I also wanted to confess to my wife sometime later about this lie. Exactly after 4 days my wife gets fever and 4 day later I hospitalised her. Doctors say she has fever and will get alright in next 2 day.

But her condition got worse and doctors per her on ventilator and she died after 5 days in the same XYZ hospital which i had lied to my headmaster. I had lied on Thursday evening and took leave on friday  and she dies exactly on the 2nd thursday i.e 15 days later in the same XYZ hospital. I'm feeling very guilty and I believe I'm the cause of her death. I believe Allah wanted to teach me a lesson for lying. I lost my wife whome I love the most. My son is missing my wife very badly. I'm not able to tell the truth to any of my family members.

I want to know if I was the real cause or my wife's death. My guilt is telling me that I have killed my innocent wife who had so much faith and love on me. Can you please help me. My condition is such that i'm not able to teach in school. Daily i'm visiting my wife's grave and asking her to forgive me. My hearth tell me that i have killed my wife and i have no right to live in this world. My intentions were never to hurt of kill my wife as i love her the most.

Its just that I wanted to spend time with her and such a big lie came out of my mouth. I dont know how will i face her after my death. I love her the most. I feel like killing myself. Its becoming very difficult for me to live and i feel like killing myself. I don't know how long will i survive with this burden on my heart.

- Shams29


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16 Responses »

  1. Assalamalaikum-
    (The first thing that Allah created was the Pen. He said to it, "Write!'' It said, "What should I write'' He said, "Write what will happen,'' so the Pen wrote everything that will happen until the Day of Resurrection.)

    As you see Allah knew everything before they happened, and wrote them down in a book that is preserved in the heavens, this book is separate from the Quran itself.

    One fundamental belief in Islam is that of divine decree, which if you want you can also call pre-destiny. It is the belief that all things have already been decreed beforehand, before Allah created us, and that it has all already been written down and recorded.
    The evidence for divine decree is found throughout the Quran and hadiths, hence any Muslim who does not believe in divine decree is not even a Muslim.
    Let us first quote the evidences from the Quran and hadiths that prove that divine decree is indeed a reality:
    Sahih Muslim: Book 001, Number 0001:
    It is narrated on the authority of Yahya b. Ya'mur that the first man who discussed about Qadr (Divine Decree) in Basra was Ma'bad al-Juhani. I along with Humaid b. 'Abdur-Rahman Himyari set out for prilgrimage or for 'Umrah and said: Should it so happen that we come into contact with one of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) we shall ask him a bout what is talked about Taqdir (Division Decree). Accidentally we came across Abdullah ibn Umar ibn al-Khattab, while he was entering the mosque. My companion and I surrounded him. One of us (stood) on his right and the other stood on his left. I expected that my companion would authorize me to speak. I therefore said: Abu Abdur Rahman! there have appeared some people in our land who recite the Holy Qur'an and pursue knowledge.
    And then after talking about their affairs, added: They (such people) claim that there is no such thing as Divine Decree and events are not predestined. He
    (Abdullah ibn Umar) said: When you happen to meet such people tell them that I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. And verily they are in no way responsible for my (belief). Abdullah ibn Umar swore by Him (the Lord) (and said): If any one of them (who does not believe in the Divine Decree) had with him gold equal to the bulk of (the mountain) Uhud and then, it (in the way of Allah), Allah would not accept it unless he affirmed his faith in Divine Decree.....

    The hadith then goes on to quote the prophet speaking about faith, the prophet stated that part of faith is to believe in divine decree, the good and bad of it, hence as you can see divine decree is something that is very real, and something the companions of the prophet believed in.
    022.070
    YUSUFALI: Knowest thou not that Allah knows all that is in heaven and on earth? Indeed it is all in a Record, and that is easy for Allah.
    Here Allah says he knows everything that is in the heavens and on the earth, and that it is all recorded. Ibn Kathirs Tafsir for this verse writes:

  2. Inna Lillali wa inna ilayhi raji'un - To Allah do we belond and to Him do we return.

    Assalaamu alaikum brother Shams.

    I am very sorry to hear about your wife - my sincere and heartfelt condolences. I pray that Allah (swt) blesses her with a place in Jannatul Firdaws.

    You say you feel like killing yourself. Brother I want you to take a step back and think about your son. And how difficult it has been for him losing his mother. But he still has his father so far Alhumdulilah. So I implore you to please think about his interests first of all. That is not something you want to put him through is it? Especially at such a young age. He needs you brother so please do not give into these feelings. Your wife would not want you to do such a thing.

    So if that is not enough of a reason, do you think your wife would want you to kill yourself and destroy your son like that, or be there to support him and help him. Again he needs you right now dear brother.
    Allah does not love suicide either - so for the sake of your hereafter too please do not consider such a thing.
    Suicide also leads to hell and removes the chance of you being with your wife in Jannat.

    In answer to your other question:

    It was not good that you told a lie but please know:
    You did not kill your wife.And you are not responsible.
    Brother Allah (swt) only takes a soul to Him when it's the right time. It was your wife's time to return to Him - and no matter whether you lied, whether you travelled to the ends of the earth, whether you were on a plane or on land or the sea - she would have returned to Him and it was unavoidable.

    You do not have that power or responsibility Akhi that lies with Allah so it is not your fault. None of this is so please do not blame yourself in anyway. Do not let shaitan overtake your thoughts - he loves to make people say 'what if' and he loves it when people blame themselves for something that they have no control over.

    Having said that I also want to say that it is sometimes normal for people who have lost someone close to them to blame themselves. It does happen. Especially when the death is sudden.

    The best thing you can do is work through your feelings and give yourself time to grieve. Please see a counsellor because grief eats you up. Pray for your wife's forgiveness and success in the hereafter - if you love her that is the best thing you can do for her. And never forget that matters of death are out of our control. I know it's hard to talk about your feelings sometimes, and I know it feels pointless but its very important that you do because otherwise they build and build and build and become damaging. It is like filling a bottle with air - its hurts you.

    So please speak to a counsellor if you can. And speak to Allah for He is the Best of counsellors - make dua. Ask Him to help you, your son and your family through this. Pray for your wife and ask Allah to reunite you in Jannat and live your life one day at a time as a good Muslim. And be there for your son. Shower him with love and mercy. There is something very beautiful and therapeutic about children and how they can make you smile. Get close to Allah and seek His help. Take some time out from work as well to help yourself heal. It takes time.

    I will pray for you InshaAllah and also for your family and your late wife.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Also brother when u have got over it, try to re-marry, if you wish, with ur son's consent. This will also help you very much.

    • Another point - if it makes you feel better to go to visit your wife's grave occasionally then do so. You should avoid asking her to forgive you though. It is not good. Also unless you actually wronged her there is nothing for her to forgive - you must accept you did not kill her. If you want to do anything for your wife - pray for her. Ask Allah to forgive her and have mercy on her.
      May Allah swt help you through this difficult time.
      Seek to be close to Allah.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalaamu alaikum brothers and sisters,

      Thank you all for your replies. I feel much better now. I offer salah regularly and I'm doing my best to be a pious Muslim. My kid is happy with me and I'm trying my best to be a good father. I'm slowly over coming my emotions. I have got back to work as well.

      Few days back i had a dream. My wife says i have less time and i need to do something for my kid.
      I was not scared and asked her how much time is left. She replied i can't tell you exactly but it is definitely less.

      I pray to Allah(swt) daily to forgive me, my wife and entire Muslim ummah for all the sins we have done and reunite me and my wife in Jannah.

      Shams,
      Assalamu alaykum

  3. Brother,

    I am so sad to hear of the death of your beloved wife. The entire world suffers when even one pious Muslim is called to Jannah by Allah. But all of Jannah rejoices when another pious Muslim enters. My heart goes out to you and your son. I will offer dua for both of you.

    I do NOT think you caused the death of your wife. The will of Allah is difficult to understand. Allah knows, but we do not know. Of one thing I am certain, Allah would not punish your wife or especially your son because of your transgressions. Allah is most merciful and often forgiving, and would not act out of spite to punish an innocent. There are other aspects of the will of Allah in play here. Accept that you may never understand why this happened. Redouble your efforts to be close to Allah, pray for guidance, and be strong for your son.

    Also, you can see that lies have no place in the life of a pious Muslim. Resolve never to lie again.

    Use this very very sad occurrence to bring you and your son closer to Allah. Explain to your son that if he lives a life of submission to Allah, tries to please Allah in all things, that he will also reach Jannah, and be in the presence of Allah and his mother. And so will you. Live a pious and focused life as an example to your son. Show Him that although you miss your wife, and that you know he misses her too, you are pleased with the will of Allah, because she is now in His presence, being rewarded for her piousness here on Earth. Live a full life, a happy life, because you know your wife would want you to carry on for the sake of your son. Show your son that through adversity, turning to Allah is THE ONLY way to be truly happy and at peace.

    My brother, put those thoughts of suicide behind you. That is Shaytaan trying to separate you from Allah. And if he succeeds, your son will suffer even more. Be strong for your son. Teach him how to live, how to be happy, how to find peace in embracing the will of Allah even when you do not understand it or see His plan. Rest assured, if you are pleased with the will of Allah, Allah will be pleased with you. And your son will see this, and will learn one of the most valuable lessons he can ever learn, true submission to the will of Allah.

    AmericanMuslim
    IslamicAnswers.com

  4. Asslamualaikum brother, 

    May Allah bless your wife, may Allah forgive her sins and make her place in janah.

    Do not think like that you are responsible. Yes sometimes when we lie it dose effect our life but this do not think like that. It was her time to go to Allah. You have a son, without you he dosent have anyone. Never think of punish yourself.

    May Allah guid you and your son and bless you both.

    • One more thing I forgot to add it will make easy for you to settle your mind that, Allah's Messenger (sws) as saying, "Any woman who dies before husband and when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise." 

      • Nadia,

        My heart is moved by your sharing these wonderful words of comfort. Alhamdulillah.

        AmericanMuslim
        IslamicAnswers.com

  5. Assalamu alaykum,

    Dear Brother in Faith,

    My heart goes out to you in this time of grief and hardship. Inshallah we will make dua' for you that Allah may ease your pain and suffering and bring you good in this life and the next.

    Certainly you are not the cause of your wife's death. Allah says in Surah Mulk: ayah 2: He it is who created DEATH and Life, that he may test which of you is best in Deeds". Thus neither you nor I have the power over this as Allaah has reserved the giving of life and death for Himself.

    It is natural in these times to doubt ourselves and blame ourselves for what happened. Certainly you could come up with many "what if's..." about this situation, however this thinking is an act of disbelief in Allah as He has already determined what will and will not happen. Therefore brother, you must not blame yourself, and you must keep in mind that ultimately we are all going to the same place, however Allaah has granted you more time for a purpose, to serve him. In your case part of that service is being a father, and accepting the will of Allaah.

    Inshallaah you will find that purpose, and certainly part of that is taking care of your son, and helping him through this hard time. Remember that you can get another wife, but he can never have another mother, so in a sense this is much more tragic for him. Not to belittle your pain however, you must keep things in proportion and be strong for your son, knowing it could easily have been you in the grave, and would that be her fault, or would you blame her...? Certainly not.

    Blaming yourself will not bring her back, and ultimately it is an act of disbelief if it goes to the point of thinking of suicide. Refocus, talk to your Imaam or others in your community that you trust and can confide in. Don't isolate yourself from the muslims, the ummah or your family, you need your support system. Allah says in the Qur'aan "seek help with patience and prayer, this is indeed hard except for those with humility". Make Tawba to Allah for any misdeeds and seek his Mercy and strength through prayer, and through the Qur'aan.

    Allaah has ordained death for us all, it is only a question of when. In your case you still have great responsibility and mashallah much to do in the raising of your son. Try to look past your own grief to see that you son needs you, and you need to be there for him. As mentioned by a sister above "from Allaah we came and to Allaah we will return", however if you were to kill yourself, maybe you will not see her in Paradise, and certainly this would not please her.

    Allaah will not put more on you than you have the strength to bear (2:286), however if we do not seek his aid and seek his path, certainly we will fail in this life and in the next. You owe it to your wife to carry on and discharge the responsibility of being a father to your child, no matter what happens.

    I will make dua' for you and your wife that Allaah grants you strength, as well as good in this life and the next. After the rain, there is always a sunny day ahead, we just have to keep striving, and never give in to the suggestions of the Shaytan, as he will use any means to destroy us, and land us in hellfire with him.

    A brother in faith,
    Assalamu alaykum

  6. brother,

    just pray to Allah to make her grave janaah ...... and olvayz send Quraan shareef to (Prophet SAW) and your wife May Allah bless her with Jannathul Firdous Ameen ya Rabal Alameen ya Allah 🙂

  7. Assalamalalaikum- ONCE THE ACCOUNT IS CLOSED THERE IS NOT REMITTENCE OF ANY SORT-
    zoroo
    We are living in Aalam-e-Duniya. ALL humans (whether good or bad), after death, are sent to a place which is a barrier or partition called, “AALAM-e-BARZAKH” and they shall be raised only on the Day of Resurrection.
    “and before them is a barrier (Barzakh) until the day they are raised.” [23:100]

    YOU MENTIONED THIS LINE IN YR ADVICE AND THIS IS AGAINST THE SHARIAH
    “This is a people that have passed away; they shall have what they earned and you shall have what you earn, and you shall not be called upon to answer for what they did.” [02:134 & 141]

    “Whoever does good, it is for his own soul, and whoever does evil, it is against it; and your Lord is not in the least unjust to the servants.” [41:46]
    and olvayz send Quraan shareef to (Prophet SAW) and your wife

    THERE IS ONLY ONE READING WHICH ALLAH HAS PRESCRIBED AND THAT IS ONLY VALID REST WHAT ALLE MADHABS ARE TEACHING THEY ARE NULL AND VOID-
    ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ...
    “On Fridays recite the Salawat for me repeatedly! The Salawat will be conveyed to me.” (Ibn Habbaan, Ibn Majah) when it was asked whether the Salawat would be conveyed to him after his Wisaal also, the Prophet (sallal laahu alaihi wasallam) answered, “soil does not rot Prophets’ bodies. When-ever a Muslim says the Salawat for me, an Angel informs me of it and says, ‘so-and-so’s son, so and so of your Ummah sent his Salaam and prayed for you.”
    WHEN ONLY THE ADROOD IS DELIVERED TO PROPHET SALAHAUALAHAIWASALAM THEN WHERE IS THE QUESTION OF ANY OTHER MAN MADE VERSION PLACE IN ISLAM

    IT IS CALLED BIDDAH THE GREAT UN-FORGIVABLE SIN AFTER SHIRK- WHEN YOU READ AND SEND YOU DONT GET ANY SAWAB BUT YOU GET PENALTY FOR DOING SOMETHING WHISH IS NOT TAUGHT AND PRACTICED BY NABI SALAHAUALAHAIWASALAM AND SAHABAS-

    AND REGARDING THIS ADVICE SEND QURAN TO YOUR WIFE MAY ALLAH GIVE HER JANNAH-
    A PERSON LIVING IN THIS WORLD RUNS BEHIND THE WORLD AND EARNS MONAY AND PLEASURE OF THIS WORLD AND READS QURAN ONLY RARELY AND ANY PERSON FOR THAT MATTER ONCE RELEAVED FROM THIS LIFE THE READING AND PRACTICING OF DEEN COMES TO AN END THEIR ACCOUNT IS CLOSED EXCEPT FOR 3 THINGS-
    1.SAWABE JARIA LIKE A WELL WAS DUG UP BY THE DEAD PERSON OR
    2]KNOWLEDGE OF ISLAM WAS CONVEYED TO SOME ONE WHO IS FOLLOWING LIKE MADRASSA HAFIZ ETC
    3]AND PIOUS CHILD WHO PRAYS TO ALLAH FOR HIM TORELIEVE ANY TORMENT OR PUNISHMENT OF THE GRAVE.
    SORRY YOU ARE LIVING IN DELUSION AND THAT PROOF IS IN QURAN THAT (They are things) dead, lifeless: nor do they know when they will be raised up. [16:21]

    SO PL DONT TYPE WHIMS AND FANCIES IN THIS FORUM WHERE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE READ AND WHEN ALL FOLLOW WHAT YOU WRITE HERE WILL BECOME EXTRA BURDEN OF BIDDAH WRITTEN BY THE ANGELS IN YOUJR ACCOUNT YOU WILL ANSWERABLE FOR ALL THE MISGUIDENCE SPREAD BY YOU-

    REGARDS
    ALI
    HOPE YOU WILL REPLY IN WHICH AGAIN TO APOLOGIZE THE FORUM FOR WRITTING WHAT IS NOT A PART OF ISLAM SO THAT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE READING THIS STORY OF THE DEATH OF THE WIFE WILL GET CLEARANCE THAT THERE IS NO Transferring Reward to the Dead (Esaal-e-Sawab)IN ISLAM-
    http://therealislam1.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/transferring-reward-to-the-dead-esaal-e-sawab/

  8. You did not cause the death of your wife. Allah is a loving God, not a wrathful one. Why would he punish your son because of your actions? Why would he punish your wife with death for your actions? Remember that Allah FORGIVES and LOVES.

  9. ASSALAMALIKUM-
    Also unless you actually wronged her there is nothing for her to forgive -
    NO ONE CAN ACT AFTER THEY ARE GONE NEITHER THEIR ACCOUNT IS OPEN NEITHER THEIR AMAAAL CAN BE ADDED WITH RECITATION OF THE QURAN-IN THEIR NAME NEITHER BY ANY RELEATIVE NOR FROM ANY RENTED BOYS FROM ANY JAMATH NEITHER ANY VISITOR TO THE FUNERAL MALE OR FEMALE THE ANGELS CAME CLOSED HIS ACCOUNT AND TAKEN IT WITH THEM THE AMAAL HE PREPARED...

    ONCE THE ACOUNT IS CLOSED THE BANK ALSO DOES NOT TAKE NAY REMITTANCE JUST LIKE THAT THE QURAN SAYS-

    (They are things) dead, lifeless: nor do they know when they will be raised up. [16:21]

  10. Assalaamu alaikum brothers and sisters,

    Thank you all for your replies. I feel much better now. I offer salah regularly and I'm doing my best to be a pious Muslim. My kid is happy with me and I'm trying my best to be a good father. I'm slowly over coming my emotions. I have got back to work as well.

    Few days back i had a dream. My wife says i have less time and i need to do something for my kid.
    I was not scared and asked her how much time is left. She replied i can't tell you exactly but it is definitely less.

    I pray to Allah(swt) daily to forgive me, my wife and entire Muslim ummah for all the sins we have done and reunite me and my wife in Jannah.

    Shams,
    Assalamu alaykum

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