Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I caused her to break her engagement, but now I can’t marry her

Hands raised in dua

I have been going through a mental torture for past one year. No one is there to help me. I want to to cease exist.

Why on  earth is to get married made such a miserable thing ? I grew up and Alhamdolillah Allah saved me from major sins  but still neither my parents don´t understand my needs ! all they care is about money,  financially stability which sounds absurd. No where in Islam such condition has been laid down.

I  always wanted to get married soon, to save myself from sins. I talked to my parents but they didn't agree. My dad straightly refused and said get successful 1st, may it take 10 years. The girl won´t be waiting for me beyond April.

Her engagement was broke, coincidentally because of my stupid act. I just apologized to her for my rudeness and misbehavior before others  but she took it as an offense and thought I was trying to let her down. I tried to make her understand that my intention was an honest one but my cousins mocked it to the point that her fiancee overheard it all and broke with her.

Her sis and mom are both angry at me, I can´t even go to see my relatives as I feel ashamed and guilty over what had happened. I never intended to ruin someone's life but no one understands me or accepts my apology.

As a chance to redemption she asked me to send in my parents as I had expressed my feelings to her 2 years, but she was soon engaged to a settled guy and then I had just graduated looking for job. I was out of contact for around 1 n half year. My parents knew all this as I never hide anything from them.

Now, I ´m completely paranoid to what to do. My parents won't agree, girl won't wait for me or forgive for the suffering she had to undergo. I won't forgive myself for not even marrying someone I love. I'm completely lost and wish to cease exist  but again it's haram to think that way. I pray five times daily yet I'm growing hopeless.

In short there are three issues:

1. My parents wont agree on me getting married soon.

2. She wont let me talk to her mother or sis and apologize on her engagement  breakup because of my silly mistakes.

3. If I don't marry her or let me apologize to her mother or sis, Allah wont forgive me.

What should I do ? I want to stay away from sins. No one understands me or suggest me how to bail out of this situation! I don´t want to suicide or get involved in zinaa to gratify my needs . I want my parents agree for her..... please help me . People do zinna, consume alcohol, eat pork, cheat on others but I never resorted to any such stuff ever......then where did I go wrong ?. I cry to Allah seeking his forgiveness. Everyone says time is best healer but I can´t take it anymore ! I feel dying

- siddhi

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52 Responses »

  1. I got two pieces of advice for you.

    1. Leave her and her family alone, you had no business trying to split up an engagement, it was not your decision to make, and neither should you have influenced her or her family to break the engagement.

    2. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

    Do these two things and focus on doing what is Islamically approved.

    • As salamu alaykum Mr. Fisher,

      I don´t think there is need to be so harsh with this man, islamically approved it is too to be mercyful, compassionate, soft hearted,......these qualities honour a man, don´t make him weaker; he is asking for advice not for a jurisdictional sentence.

      He has opened his Heart to us, this is loable, he has put himself in a vulnerable situation, we have to honour him, for trusting us, trying to do our best to be here for him, nobody pressures us to do it, comes from the Heart, insha´Allah.

      Mr Fisher if your Heart is in pain, don´t punish others for your own suffering. Please try to put his shoes on, may hurt a lot.

      To be a man is not a question of being tough, hard hearted, harsh ,.... Have your read the Names of Allah(swt), lately and His Attributes? Have you read our Prophet (saw) life and his qualities as man? Have a look and then we talk again, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

  2. I didnt split her engagement !

    • As salamu alaykum Siddhi,

      Please forgive us for misunderstanding you but what did you mean with this phrase: "Her engagement was broke, coincidentally because of my stupid act." Can you explain to us to be able to understand your situation properly?

      Thank you very much.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

    • Brother,

      You need to leave this woman alone, it is quite clear from the outset, both you and the girl and both sets of families have different ideas on life. It will be a catastrophe if you lost your family and she lost hers because of some feelings which have developed and will go away in a few weeks.

      I do not think your father is right in delaying your marriage, that is not what Islam encourages, Islam encourages youthful marriages, as the Prophet demonstrated when he married his beloved daughter Fatimah at a young age.

      However you do still never to ensure your keep your family ties and who knows maybe if you prove yourself to your father he will agree to you marrying soon.

      The other thing I'd like to say is, that engagement although not a marriage contract, they are very serious matters, an engagement is almost like a conditional promise, that our son/daughter will marry your daughter/son. Although not as bad as divorce, it's a pretty serious thing, so tread very very carefully as families can be torn apart in such matters.

      My honest advice, leave this woman alone, let her get on with her life and you get on with yours and try to convince your parents you are ready and let them choose a suitable partner for you.

  3. Salaams brother siddhi

    I can honestly say to you is what’s happen has happen time to move on brother words have consequences and everyone makes mistake’s and learn from experience not everyone is taught from home and know everything which I know this was no fault of your own but your kismet was not with you. Parents who have daughters will not wait for proposals if they keep coming brother learn from them and move on this is best for you has I believe decision is made. Concentrate in being a better Muslim, you soon realise this wasn’t meant to be and your pain will heal.

    Wish you the best for the future w/salaams

  4. Asalamoalaikum brother,
    I am sorry to read about your situation but pray that Allah swt gives you strength to overcome this difficult phase in your life. Brother, as sister Maria asked, I am also confused when you state: "Her engagement was broke, coincidentally because of my stupid act." Can you please elaborate a bit more on that statement so we can understand your situation better?

    However, from what I have understood through your post, you have done some immature things which lead to this girl's engagement being broke which has caused her and her family distress and anger towards you. Now you feel guilty and want to seek forgiveness. Brother, there are 4 conditions to forgiveness:

    The conditions for repentance are:

    1. Leaving the sin;
    2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
    3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
    4. If it relates to the rights of another person, then to return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]

    If these conditions are truly met, then one can expect one's sins to be forgiven. However, one has to be very careful about how sincere one is in fulfilling one's conditions. It is recommended to seek forgiveness a lot, and to repent every time the sin comes to one's mind.

    In addition, Allah swt states in the Qur'an:

    "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."

    So brother do not despair of Allah swt’s mercy as he knows your intentions and what is in your heart.

    Now brother, your condition becomes a bit problematic as you are wanting to seek her forgiveness but she doesn’t want to hear it.

    What you must do is then is go to those people whom you said bad or false things to about her (i.e.: your cousins) and say good things about her. So basically, you must now replace the bad things you said about her with good things about her. This way you will be able to level out your scale. If you cannot reach this girl through phone, face to face, etc, try e-mailing her but only ONCE and tell her you are ashamed for what you have done, you seek her forgiveness, you did not mean to end her engagement and hurt her family. After that you must sincerely keep repenting and asking Allah for swt’s mercy. Ask Allah swt to make her heart soft towards you and put forgiveness in it for you. InshAllah, with time she may forgive you. But you must stop bothering her. She will become more annoyed. Let her be and let her move on with her life. If she is written in your destiny then inshAllah you will get her. A big part of being a Muslimeen is believing in the al-qadr that what Allah swt has written for us, will happen. Only duaa can change one’s al-qadr but that too depends on Allah swt for if that thing is not for your good and may bring upon evil and miseary for you, then He will divert it from your path, inshAllah.

    Alhumdulillah, you are offering salat regularly so keep doing that and make lots of duaa to Allah swt but at the same time place your faith in Him and tell yourself, if I get her, then alhumdulillah, praise be to our Rabb, but IF I do NOT get her, I will still be thankful to my Rabb as he has something better in store for me and he has diverted me from some evil.

    This all will take time brother, but you most not loose hope in Allah’s swt’s mercy. He is Rahman, Raheem, Ghafoor, Ghaffar. InshAllah he will listen to you, if it is for your best.

    Also, brother do not ever contemplate suicide. At this moment, shaitaan knows your weak and he is constantly fuelling hopelessness in your heart. Every time you feel hopeless, please recite:

    “Au'tho bill'ahi Minash shaitan nira Jeem” (I seek refuge with Allah Subhaana wa ta'ala, from the cursed satan).

    Lastly, I have provided you with 2 links of a famous lecturer known as Br. Yasir Qadhi. These two videos are regarding (1) Repentance from Allah swt and (2) The power and etiquettes of making Duaa. InshAllah, they will be of benefit to you!


    Stay strong brother!

  5. My advice to you brother is to pray a lot to Allah to ease your hardship. Talk some one older and wiser (maybe an Imam) about your situation. Tell him that you wish to make a proposal of marriage to someone and get him to speak to your parents.
    But please do not get in contact with the girl and her family, i don't tihnk its your place to do that anymore. She is aware of your feelings and for now that is enough.
    You say she will not wait beyond april- maybe that should be a sign for you that she does'nt mind not being married to you. Would you realy want to be married to a girl who's not bothered either way?? What I mean is that if she also wished to marry you she would speak to her parents, she would not consider other proposals.

    My sincere advice to you brother is take a step back, and think things through calmly- concentrate on yourself and make something of your life- whoever you marry has already been ordained by God almighty and that is the best decision. If it is this girl then it will happen no matter what. If its not her then you can do whatever you like and it will not happen!
    So for now spend your time and effort in worship and ask God for resolutions to your problems.

    Good luck

  6. Assalamu Alaikum Warahmathallahi Wabarkathuhu,

    We're on the same situation brother but I'm confused as to whether the engagement is fully broken or is it being put on hold?? Anyways, i had my engagement broken off due to my stupid acts..which i totally regret even now. I couldnt marry him even though i loved him..BUT Allah(swt) has planned all this in my just gradually came accept everything rather than just saying if only i had done this or that...Some good things actually came after the broken engagement, mostly importantly, it made me closer to Allah(swt).

    So brother, maybe you're meant to let it go. She knows how you feel, and if she was committed in marrying you, she wouldnt mind waiting?? Whatever your stupid acts where, surely if you had repented sincerely its worth forgiving? Ask forgiveness from Allah(swt) first, he's the only one who can change the hearts of others, nothing can happen without its will. Prehaps, Allah(swt) has made you go through all this distress to test your faith and if you show patience and still call to Allah(swt.

    Brother, time heals the hurt but faith heals the rest. Its has been few months after my problem ended, and still havent forgotten what i did...but only when i'm doing dhikr and i see a lot of good things happening around me that makes me think..maybe allah(swt) is forgiving me?

    If you dont marry her, its not the end of the world. Inshallah, Allah(swt) will give you and me a better spouse who will bring us closer to Allah(swt) brother. Maybe try istikhara and crying whilst making dua really does help and remember to raise your hands when asking dua. Allah(swt) doesnt like his servants to go empty handed, so inshallah, He will help you brother.

    I hope i have helped in someway. Best of luck brother..and May Allah(swt) forgive you and forgive us all.

  7. I missed a part over on how here engagement was broke. One of my cousins marriage took place in January. we all gathered . I had been voiding this girl for two things,

    1. I never wanted my old feelings take over me as she was already engaged

    2. I never wanted others to think as there was ever something between us

    during one of the function, she asked me to stop starring at a girl and get a life. I was completely shocked as I had never flirted or cast an intentional stare at any girl ever. I am into girlfriend stuff and I wasn't even looking at her. I got angry and texted her back to get lost. I lost my temper and almost yelled at her. The girl she asked me to stop looking has a some sort of affair going on with her fiancee. she complained me later that I was the worst guy ever who don' t even know how to handle a joke and cant respect me before others. I was like taken back a little and felt bad that I should have stayed in limits instead. I was leaving the next day. so to make up for it I bought a cake an wrote an apology letter and handed over to one of my elder cousin, whom I always trusted to b mature, to read it out on my behalf and apologize on my behalf. I thought that might this way she would accept my apology that i accepted my mistake before others at least. but it went wrong. She thought I tried to let her down before others or defame her. I tried to explain to her that it was just an apology, an what I be getting out of letting her down before others ?

    I repeat here again " My apology was an honest one, I didn't mean to hurt her. I was just trying to say sorry to her for being bad to her. I never ever said bad things about her or any other person in my life ". but the apology went wrong not because of me, but because of my immature cousins who instead appreciating it , that I accepted my mistake, made fun out of it......tortured her mentally in their gatherings, humiliated her sister. said things about us. and that girl who was interested in her fiancee went back to UK and spilled bad things about us to her fiancee which God knows wasn't that way ever. Her fiancee, according to her, wasn't interested in her anymore and was looking for an excuse to bail out of this relation. So this was a perfect excuse for him. Her fiancee without even listening to or trusting her, broke the engagement. He called her brother an told him that her sis had relations with boys ! which was a completely white lie. She did study in co education, but never had such relations. Her brother lives in Sweden, called back at home and asked her mother who is that bloody guy to whom she ha a relation, I will kill him. Then her elder sister who was a witness to this situation told her mother what had happened actually. Her mother didn't blame me directly for what had happened, but she still taunts her daughter and in still angry. Her mother didn't. even tell her brother that It was me. May be Allah saved me from further disgrace as I was still innocent in this whole episode

    Now you see in short I misbehaved to a person before others. the person complained to me about, I felt bad and apologized before others. but since it was a girl, others made fun about and started gossiping.

    Now tell where did I go wrong in this whole scenario ? I was just at wrong place and wrong time

    I just want to refix it and marriage was a perfect option, as that would at least ensure her mother that I wasn't having fun all around and did this all intentionally ! even the girl wont forgive me unless I dont send her in a proposal

    now u would all b thinking that why I m so desperate for both the marriage and redemption ?

    Reason Allah wont forgive me if people don't forgive me

    I hope I don't need to explain further

    • Brother,
      thank you for clarifying. I understand that your intention for wanting forgiveness was pure but your approach (sorry to be blunt) was not correct. You shouldnt have trusted anyone to convey the message of forgiveness and when asking for forgiveness it is always best to do so yourself as you have wronged her, not anyone elser. However, what I suggest is that if you can e-mail her to clarify things (but only ONCE) that would be best. That way you can tell her the truth and then it is up to her to forgive you or not. But Allah swt knows that you tried your best to seek His person's forgiveness. InshAllah Allah will put softness in her heart for you and she may forgive you. If not, inshAllah on the day of judgement Allah swt will forgive you as He knows you tried your best to seek this girl's forgiveness.

      I also want to advise brother that if you follow my advice, after e-mailing her do not contact her again and let her be. If even after reading your e-mail she still does not want to believe you, then let her be. Allah swt knows your real intentions and also that you never meant to humiliate her, so put your faith in Him now and do not get hopeless of His mercy. If you are sincere with your repentence, then inshAllah He will forgive you, but you must not turn back to that sin (which means you must leave this girl alone and not pester her anyone, she will most probably get more hurt by this).

      • She wasn't accepting apology in person and constantly insisted that there was no point in personal apology if I can't behave properly before others. so I wasn't left with any choice !

        • Do you have her e-mail id? If so, e-mail her once and for the last time telling her the truth. That way you know you got through to her and your heart will also be at ease that you tried your best to seek her forgiveness.

          After that, you must leave her alone and move on. If she is meant to be your, she will, if not, then Allah swt has something better in store for you, inshAllah.

          Stay strong brother.

          • And if you do not have her e-mail, then brother I suggest that you just let it be and move on with your life. Allah swt knows that you tried approaching her, she rejected you, you tried getting through to her through other people, it just caused more problems, so the best thing to do now is to let it be and move on. Allah swt will take care of the rest from here, He knows what's best in this situation.

          • Sis, v r in contacts,but her forgiveness is conditional and linked to my parents consent for marriage. My parents are not agreeing on my marriage . I mentioned in my first post that I had feelings for her but couldn't do something because I was jobless and she was soon engaged . My parents knew all this then that I had feelings for her

            My parents think that the girl is trying to fool me around. they were not in the country when this whole incident happened. neither my dad thinks that I am ready for marriage as my career needs attention ! I find it strange that no where in Islam lays down such condition.Islam encourages youthful marriages so that one doesn't indulge in sins like zinna. I don't claim to b an angel but Allah has always protected me from major sins.

            I m hanging in between two things......firstly my parents consent for marriage, they are simply not willing to get me married off soon. and secondly a chance to redemption

        • Brother, your 2 conditions are linked together. She does not want to forgive you and you are seeking forgiveness also with the intention of marriage. How can your situation be possible? If she doesnt forgive you, then ofcourse it is valid to say that she will not marry you. Therefore, I am sorry to say but you must let her be and try to move on, unless if she forgives you and consents to marriage. That is why I am suggesting you e-mail her seeking forgiveness, if you have her e-mail id. If you do not and she is adament with forgiving you, then you will have to move on...

          Also, your parents denying your rights for marriage right now is wrong. Of course every parent wants their child to settle down but as we grow older and mature, we should get married as it keeps us from comitting zina. Therefore, you must sit down with your family and be honest and tell them that you fear getting into zina and for that reason you want to get married. If you have a job by now then you should do so. Also, you are correct, islamically it is encouraged to get married earlier for the reasons I have stated above. Try explaining to your family that deen and duniya should both be followed, and you are trying to do exactly that. There is nothing wrong getting married now and building yourself professionally after marriage. A lot of people do that and are alhumdulillah successful people.

          • Correction: If you do not and she is adament about not forgiving you, then you will have to move on...

          • Also, if you somehow get a hold of her and she forgives you and consents to marriage then you must go ahead and convince your family for marriage. However, please try to be objective here and not only follow your heart and nafs. Look into the situation, is she a suitable partner for you (I.e.: character, deen, personality, etc)? And if everything is okay, then proceed ahead and convince your family.

            Tell them that you are old enough to make your own choices and likewise face the consequences (both good and bad). Explain to them that she is of good character, deen, personality, etc and that you want to get married so that you stay away from zina. Be gentle and kind with your parents, but also strong enough to take a stand for your life and the choices you make.

            Again, this all can be possible if this girl forgives you..please bear that in mind. If she doesnt, then you must move on brother.

          • I already did Istakhara about her and it came positive ! I told my mother about it, still no help ....

  8. I feel myself responsible and guilty for the discomfort I brought to her family, though I was just apologizing but people hyped it. her sister isn't accepting my apology. I am just feeling guilty for something I never did or intended to, but immature people have made me feel criminal !

  9. Brother,

    As humans, we all make mistakes. For a year now you have suffered because you did something stupid, no thanks to your cousin, that turned out to be a big mess in the end. It appears you have angered several people by your actions hence, your current situation.

    I tend to look at situations from all angles and from all the darkness you describe, I am able to find some light. I am a true believer that sometimes, things happen for a reason. From what I understand from your post, the young man that this young girl was engaged to was "flirting" with another girl. The man wasn't even married yet he had his eyes on another woman! Instead of seeing this mess you feel you created, I am able to see a young girl saved possibly from a marriage to a man who was not worthy of her.

    You continue to beat yourself up over all of this...don't. Whats done is done, you cannot undo it. You have repented and asked Allah for forgiveness need to forgive yourself. There is not a man that walks this earth who has not messed up in one way or another. Keep your prayer and show kindness and know that the reason your father wants you to wait for marriage and be financially secure it because he knows that for a family, you need money...and lots of it.

    Listen to your parents...they really do know what is best for you. I know that sometimes you think they are older and don't understand but, they do. They were once young much like yourself so, they really do get where you are coming from. Finish your education and know that when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

    May Allah almighty guide you and help you to see that the only way here is forward.

  10. Thanks a lot for everyone for guiding me on this issue specially the sisters. I should the matter in Allah's hand as I had already tried all my best to convince my family. Th girl still thinks that I am not doing enough. If she's destined for me, we'll get married no matter what it takes. I can't persuade my family anymore, because they won't pay a heed. My mind is already clogged up. I will avoid eye contact with her family, as they might still be thinking that I had som kind of jealousy towards her. I am going into self exile, that's my best chance to recover out of it and look forward in life . I can't bear the pain anymore. I would repent as much as I can an seek Allah's forgiveness

  11. Brother

    You have made the right decision in trying to move on. Its strange that she refuses to forgive you (did she really want to marry the man who was flirting with other women???, if yes then she's very much deluded!) As for forgiving you, then i think you have done your bit and she has issues herself that need dealing with. You can only pray for her. Leave her for good and when and if she realises that you were good for her, then the regret will be hers and not yours, you did what you had to compensate for your mistake.

    And you do not need to go into self exile- you must surround yourself with good pious company, sit with ulema and learn the deen from them, spend time helping others (maybe in a charity organisation) things like these can do wonders for the human pysche. Help yourself and God will make your path easy.
    I very much believe that you are a good human being- you made efforts to right your wrong, so now please don't beat yourself up about it. whats done is done.

    prayer and patience is the key to sucess.
    Good luck.

    • Sis, she and her family already suffered a lot because of my stupidity, and as a compensation I couldn't even convince my parents. I guess, I should learn instead where I went wrong.

      • Mashallah, that would be the best thing to do. Its only when we start loosing something that we realize how important it is. Though you may have been at the wrong place at the wrong time, it wasnt coincidental! Allah(swt) knows whats good for you and whats not even though you may think otherwise. I also ruined a family's happiness but if i were to get one more chance again, i would put my whole heart into seeing that everyone's happy. Let go of the past and look forward to the future..who knows? maybe we wont live to see another day so make the most of life in doing dhikr.

      • Asalamoalaikum brother,
        I am glad to hear that you have decided to be patient and leave this issue to Allah swt. Don’t beat yourself up so much, I really think you should read into what Najah wrote:

        “I tend to look at situations from all angles and from all the darkness you describe, I am able to find some light. I am a true believer that sometimes, things happen for a reason. From what I understand from your post, the young man that this young girl was engaged to was "flirting" with another girl. The man wasn't even married yet he had his eyes on another woman! Instead of seeing this mess you feel you created, I am able to see a young girl saved possibly from a marriage to a man who was not worthy of her.”

        I picked up on exactly the same thing, that although this action of your caused this girl and her family short term misery and unhappiness, it actually diverted them from a larger evil that only Allah swt knew of. So you did your part of seeking forgiveness, and you seem to be genuine with seeking repentance so now leave the rest up to Him and be patient. He knows of your intention, so inshAllah you will be forgiven, just don’t loose hope in His mercy.

        Lastly, it’s best you stay away from this girl and let her move on. She seems quite adamant right now about forgiving you, but with time she’ll see that this situation resulted in her betterment and she got saved from her flirtatious fiancé. You just focus on yourself now and with time this pain will lessen, inshAllah.

        May Allah swt give you strength to overcome this phase in your life, ameen.

  12. I have decided to move on. Cant live on with this guilt forever.....

    1. She's soon gonna contact me and ask me abt my parents consent. How shd I reply bk to her ? wont that be a shock for her that her engagement was broke because of me and I cudnt even convince my parents ?

    2. I cant go back to the family and see those ppl who actually hyped the mess by mocking my apology as if there was somethng between two of us which ultimately led to her breakup. Because those ppl wont let me live either, no matter how much my intention was true, they will never believe in me

    3. I wanna do tawbah and repent to Allah for this mistake of mine. I already did a long time ago.....but this time I feel hesitant. Wont my Allah think that I forgave this person, still he committed silly mistakes ?

    • As salamu alaykum, Siddhi,

      Tell the truth, ask for forgiveness, too many obstacles, too many misunderstandings, ....

      As you said if you have to be together, you will be, insha´Allah.

      Can you make me a favour, try to pray before going to bed surah Al-Ikhlas, Al-Falak and Al-Nass, three times each one, surat Al- Fatiha and Ayat Al-Kursi, do it for a while to see if all the confusion that has surrounded you dissapears, insha´Allah. Pray it with the Heart, consciously asking Allah(swt) for Light and Guidance in your way.

      Just one thing more, it is in Allah(swt) where the power to forgive lies on, then if you forgive, it is because He has allowed you to do it then from the begining till the end of the process He is the All- Knower, if you read the Names of Allah and His Attributes, you will understand what I mean, insha´Allah.

      Try to do your salat on time, do tawbah as you thought, you need a change in your Life and the way to get it is submiting to Allah(swt), you´ll get it, insha´Allah.

      All my unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

      • Salam brother,

        I am kind of confused now, this girl is not willing to forgive you but soon time she will talk to you to see if your family consents for her in marriage? I dont get the double standard here, sorry to be harsh. I mean if she wants to marry you, then technically she should forgive you because it doesnt make sense that she is willing to marry you but not forgive you?

        I am also of Pakistani origin so I know how people mock others back home and make their lives misreable, but the point here is NOT to focus on these people.

        Brother, you have done all you could to seek forgiveness and your parents are not consenting for this girl. Although her engagment broke, there was a better good in it (her flirtarious fiance was diverted from her who could have possibly kept her misreable after marriage).

        Nothing does or will happen without the power of Allah swt so if this engagment was meant to be broken this way, it did. Yes your ways were immature but you realized quickly and also sought for repentence with sincere intentions. You must not beat yourself over this so much now.

        Also, this girl's engagment has merely been broken, Allah forbid she didnt get divorced, so there is hope for her and you musten let shaitaan make you weak with hopeless thoughts. Maybe in the future if she and you both are not married and you are more settled, then you can try and propose again? But in the mean time, do not contact her, let her and be and try to move on. Do not give yourself any hopes that maybe in the future I will be able to marry her, just leave it all to Him. He will do what is for your and her's best, inshAllah.

        Any time such thoughts come in your mind, tell yourself whatever is meant to happen, both good and bad will happen only with His will, so leave it up to Him.

        Just keep asking for repentence for your sin and start healing yourself.

        Having guilt for your wrongdoings show that you have emaan and a conscience but dont let this very guilt eat you up like a termite.

        Stay strong brother, you can overcome this, inshAllah.

        • not the double standards.......I thnk she was right one or the other. ur ryt on that part that in order to marry me she should forgive me. but somehow she was dead sure dat I will marry her.

          but thngs turned out to be diff than her expectation. My parents didnt agree.......I cud go to a certain limit persuading my parents and I did everythng in my capacity

          I requested her once dat I wanted to apologoze to her mother for what had happened. She refused and said that it will make her Mom more angry, instead I shd send in the rishta soon as I cud. I wanted to apologize so dat I b satisfied dat everyone forgave me n I can face them again in my life without any shame or guilt in my heart. for me it really matters a lot that I dont break trust of those who respect me

          But I guess I should leave the matter in Allah's hand to decide. I did enough

          her brother has just arrived in the country to decide her future, so she wud b contacting me soon. My mind is really chocked up, I seriously dont what to reply to her

          All I have been concerned in this whole scenario is forgiveness from her family and make them realize dat I didnt do this on purpose......... I was kut at wrong place and at the wrong time

          and about her ex fiance, I once had a chance to read his comments about her fiancee. he called her a slag and yet boasts that he still loved her. I dont get it on one hand he is so callous while on the other he says he loves her more than anyone. whats wrong with our youth ?

          Thanks for all brother and sisters for helping me getting out of this guilt. May be Im beating too much........I was just confused and no one was helping me out so I turned to to seek guidance in light of Quran and Sunnah

          I think I have done enough

          • I see that you are slowly coming to terms with this situation, alhumdulillah.

            I can understand brother that you had promised this girl that you'd marry her but unfortunately your parents did not consent and you tried all that you could but still it was to no avail. Furthermore, her engagment breaking dugg a bigger hole of guilt for you.

            But you sound like a mature guy to me, try to look at things objectively. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always a good in it. From all this you have now learned how NOT to progress with a girl in the future (i.e.: next time you are interested to marry a girl, get your parents consent FIRST and then approach her. That way you wont be giving someone hopes and then when you cant fulfill them, you wont be hurting her nor yourself). Also, your immature actions have actually diverted a larger evil, alhudmulillah.

            As I have learned through my personal experience, people love to talk and say all kinds of things, but it is one's actions that matter more. As the famous saying goes: actions speak louder than words, and that is definitely true. So, whenever you see inconsistencies with ones' words and actions, you know something dodgy is going on. Therefore, her fiance claiming to love her but on the other hand degrading her was just showing what a hypocrite he was. Let him be and let Allah swt deal with him.

            Also, I can understand how hard it will be for you to confront her family and say no you cannot marry her, but you must be honest and say things as is. I suggest before they approach you, you pray 2 nafil salat-ul-hajat namaz and just make duaa to Allah swt to make this task easier for you. After you have said everything, do not feel guilty and beat yourself up again.

            Tell yourself that you tried everything, it wasnt that you were just stringing her along, you tried to convince your family and you also sought her repentence but Allah wants otherwise, so just be patient.

            If not in this world but definitely in the akhira Allah swt will reveal your real and pure intentions to this girl and her family so they will know one day that you werent just out there to hurt their daughter and degrade her.

            Just be consistent with your salat right now and try to keep yourself busy as much as possible. Also, try to progress in your career so you can soon settle down, inshAllah.

  13. I want to purify myself again

  14. because after all wot had happened, I dont feel good of me...........not just on this part k I cudnt marry her..... but also the humilation I had to face, The trust I lost of others in me, been just like other ordinary guys who messes up thngs for others

    I never wished to be that sort of guy. People wont let go of it........they say 1st impression is the last. They would see me some one who just flirted and tried to let her down.

    I want to purify and let go of my past fast !

  15. dun kno shud I reveal my past to someone who enters in my life ? wot wud she thnj abt me if she finds abt it herslf.........I m seriously paranoid and wish to repent to Allah for my mistakes

  16. Assalamualaikum warahamatullahi wabarakatuh!

    Bro siddhi817

    No matter what there will be misunderstandings in life... the most important thing is our intention...but ofcourse we have to be careful in our actions....

    at the first place i dont think it was appropriate for you to et her a cake!!! i know you just meant it as a sign of apology...if you did that to your mother, sister or wife that's understandable but she's a non mahram to you bro!! people can derive meanings u know what i mean?

    what happened has now become the now let's see what you can do.... if you have sincerely prayed istikhaara then dont worry bro, Allah is All Knower, the Responsive.... BUT you should not loose your hope and trust in Allah...

    wasnt Yususf (alaihissalam) the most pious and chaste man accused of indecency and put into prison....but Allah S.w.t. at last bought the truth into light....

    so inshaAllah be patient and seek help in prayer...and pray to Allah to grant this girl whatever is good...

    And please brother, shaytan loves to make people stop repenting by telling them "you are such a hypocrite, you just sinned 5 minutes ago and you repented and now you sin again?!! and you want to repent again?!!"
    PLEASE bro Allah Loves those repent (ofcourse each time we repent it has to be done with sincerity, but if a person sins again despite taking measures, he can still turn to Allah, At Tawwaab, Ar Raheem! 🙂

    • so now what you gotta do is try to explain to this girl everything via email JUST ONCE as mentioned in one of the comments above....

      if she cant accept these then there's no sense of trust which means problems after marriage too....Allahu 'Alam...

      and forget about people bro.... i have been in some situations where i feel so low because of this mentality of "what will they think? how will i clarify"....... we have to clarify inorder to avoid unnecessary gossip and rumours spreading all over...but there are times we just don't have to care what people say...
      whatever it is Allah knows dont worry...

      just stick to the Quran and the sunnah in your life.... inshaAllah solutions will come on your way soon!

  17. I m nt coming out of the mess because I feel I hav lost a chance to redemption. marrying was just not the solution, inner peace was which I wud hav attained by marrying her ......that atleast I let her in to my nikah to let her breakup misery go off. All readers wud what a breakup means in Pakistan to a girl. All hell loose break..They dont bother whether the guy was wrong or not. They just blame the girl for everythng

    • Please, try the prayers, try to learn by Heart Al-Baqarah, the way to get out of that cloud of dust you are in, is the Straight Way, listen to Holy Quran, don´t talk much, bring Silence to your Heart, do it step by step, that is the best way I see for you, insha´Allah.

      María Editor

    • listen bro...ok then

      Option A
      maybe you can convince your parents to just do nikah and once you are stable you can consummate the marriage.....

      Option B
      if it happens that she won't get any proposals even by the time you are financially able to afford marriage then marry her....

      Option C
      Don't lose hope, Allah can make way out in ways we cant don't give up praying to Him

      May He, The Most Wise grant you and this girl and all my brothers and sisters righteous spouses!

  18. Allah forgive us all ! Ameen

  19. well its the end of April, deadline is over.. I texted the girl, asked her to let me talk to her mother to seek forgiveness....she refused and said that it will make her more angry.......she(girl) already forgave me by heart but linked her mother forgiveness to my parents' consent for sending in the proposal......My parents, they dont know what actually happened, don't plan to get me married off for next three to four years at least. They still consider me immature.

    My dad rejected the girl. He thinks the girl has been lying to me about her breakup.... I couldn't muster up the courage to tell them the truth, because, I fear they may disown me. My dad is a very strict person.

    I am totally paranoid. since they are distant relatives, I never met them except for family gatherings. she (girl) was the only way to talk to her mother. I can't say sorry in the public, cuz it will draw other people attention

    I tried to persuade the girl, but she asked me to leave her and her family alone !

    I lost all my chances to redemption.......I can't go to any family gatherings in the future.....I can't face her family with guilt !

    I have repented to Allah, my mixing up with a na-mehram led to this.......but I tried to compensate for all of this, but all went in vain.

  20. the guilt is killing me ! I dont have any other option to seek her mother's forgiveness

    • As salamu alaykum, brother siddhi,

      Please, don´t punish yourself and build up your imaan. If you give up, even when the solution is in your hand you won´t be able to see it, then please trust Allah(swt) ways are infinite, be open eyes to see which is the window that He(swt) is leaving open for you, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

  21. I cant attend any family gatherings, events or even funerals..... because If I see them, past will keep haunting me ............had it been she outside of the famliy, things wud hav been easier to cope with

    my conscience wont let me face a person without issuing him or her an apology !

    • As salamu alaykum, brother siddhi,

      You are a honest and straight man, you have repented firmly and you have the right to forgive yourself, you don´t have any responsibility from your parent´s decision, then be an example yourself of straight muslim and everyone will notice it insha´Allah.

      Get ready and attend your duties, if the moment it is proper you will do it, if not you will stay on a side, insha´Allah. I encourage you to trust Allah(swt) ways and don´t try to control everything, insha´Allah.

      Everytime you feel this anguish in your Heart, try to recite one of this dua:

      1) Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay’un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama’i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim
      (In the name of Allah; with His name, nothing whatsoever on earth or heaven can inflict any harm; He is All-Hearing and All-Knowing).
      2) Hasbiya Allahu la ilaha illa huwa `alayhi tawakkaltu wahuwa rabbu al-`arshi al-`azhim
      (Allah suffices me; there is no god but He; in Him I place my sole trust; He is the Lord of the mighty Throne).
      3) Allaahumma ini a`duhu bika min hamazati ash-shayatin wa a`udhu bika rabbi an yahdurun
      (O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the whisperings of Satan; my Lord, I seek refuge in You from their presence around me).
      4) A`udhu bi `izzati Allahi wa qudratihi mimma ajidu wa uhadhiru
      (I seek refuge in Allah’s glory and power from the affliction and pain I experience and suffer from).

      I hope this helps, insha´Allah.

      All my Unconditional Support and Respect,

      María Editor

  22. In essence, what I want to transmit to you it is to stay tune to Allah(swt), be straight, step by step, and you will see what I mean, and I don´t mean you to be perfect, I mean you to try, at least your best, insha´Allah.

    María Editor

  23. Please, forgive me I couldn´t find the arabic of those duas,I will try a bit more later, insha´Allah, but I saw instead these ones that may help you, insha´Allah, these are beautiful, touching duas, Alhamdulillah an will give you the message I want to share with you, insha´Allah.

    Laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahul-'Adheemul-Haleem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbul-'Arshil-'Adheem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbus-samaawaati wa Rabbul-'ardhi wa Rabbul-'Arshil-Kareem.

    There is none worthy of worship but Allah the Mighty, the Forbearing. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the Magnificent Throne. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth, and Lord of the Noble Throne.

    لا إلَهَ إلاَّ اللَّهُ الْعَظـيمُ الْحَلِـيمْ، لا إلَهَ إلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ العَـرْشِ العَظِيـمِ، لا إلَهَ إلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ السَّمَـوّاتِ ورّبُّ الأَرْضِ ورَبُّ العَرْشِ الكَـريم Al-Bukhari 8/154, Muslim 4/2092.

    Allaahumma rahmataka 'arjoo falaa takilnee 'ilaa nafsee tarfata 'aynin, wa 'aslih lee sha'nee kullahu, laa'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta.

    O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.

    اللّهُـمَّ رَحْمَتَـكَ أَرْجـوفَلا تَكِلـني إِلى نَفْـسي طَـرْفَةَ عَـيْن، وَأَصْلِـحْ لي شَأْنـي كُلَّـه لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أنْـتAbu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.

    Huwal-'Awwalu wal-'Aakhiru wadh-Dhaahiru wal-Baatinu, wa Huwa bikulli shay'in 'Aleem.

    He is the First and the Last, the Most High and the Most Near. And He is the Knower of all things.

    هُوَ الأوَّلُ، وَالآخِـرُ، وَالظّـاهِـرُ، وَالْبـاطِـنُ، وَهُوَ بِكُلِّ شَيءٍ عَلـيمAl-Hadid 57:3, Abu Dawud

    حَسْبِيَ اللهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ

    HasbiyAllahu wa ni’mal wakeel
    Allah is my availer and protector and the best of aids.

    ****** The 18th dua is other one you can recite. It has the arabic here.

    "And when My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close: I respond to the dua (prayer) of every suppliant when they call on Me" - Quran 2:186

    Thank you very much for listening.

    María Editor

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