He changed his mind after reading Istikhara & receiving my reaction
Salaam's bro's & sisters,
I met a brother a few months ago & we have been getting on really well. He is mashAllah do much better than me on his deen, he really helps me with mine as I am really weak & I need my support. We try to keep it halal at all time, however recent I found myself emotionally attached to him (being weak) but he is a brother that is not very good with emotions.
Anyways in the last 10 day I asked him that we should not continue our friendship unless he is looking to marry me in the future. He then preformed Istikhara & it came back good at first as he asked me to marry him but it seems I gave him a bad reaction as I did not say yes or no at the time. He then decided to say to me he had made a mistake so obviously confused I left him alone for a week only to be told last night that he feel that dua' has now become negative and basically I am not the one for him.
So he asked me to do the isikhara which I will do today. But I am really confused & I feel really disheartened by the whole situation as I've always been so far from the deen and now that a find a brother that help me take step to the deen he now feel I am no good for him. These sort of situation make it easy for me to slip back into my old habits & just do whatever as I get ignorant & feel like everyone special that comes into my life ends up leaving. I KNOW I need Allah in my life & I am really trying but I really struggle daily to be a sister in the deen.
Please advise.
Salaams
- kooli
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Walaikumsalaam Dear 'Kooli',
Being a sister or brother in the deen is a struggle for all of us, no-one is perfect; we all mistakes, but the key is to keep striving and to keep learning. We cannot blame others for our loss of deen, downfall of character or for the missed opportunities. We all need to take responsibility for the decisions we make in life and not just let 'fate' bring whatever it wills to us.
Remember - you are already a sister in the deen and you do have the strength to improve yourself, you just need the motivation and will power. This is your life and it is a gift from Allah, so take all the necessary steps you need to take to improve yourself and to make good choices. If you have noticed that you have lost some special people in your life, then there maybe something that you are doing that is driving them away. So try to do things differently this time.
If you think that marrying this man will be good for your deen and hereafter and you feel he is within your reach, then take a positive step forward.
You showed interest in this man for marriage, so it is understandable that he is now feeling confused and disheartened by your reaction and maybe your delay in saying 'yes' has also been a big knock to his ego.
Maybe you feel that you need time to find out more about him before accepting his proposal? Maybe you are unsure for some other reason. Whatever it is, be open with him, explain to him why you reacted with silence, tell him that you need time to know him a little better (if that is the reason behind your delay), or it maybe that you are lacking in self-confidence. If he is reasonable, he should understand that marriage is a life changing decision and so you need time to think and enquire.
If he does react positively, make sure to keep things halaal. It would be a good idea to involve family at this point as they will help make enquiries and when you see this person interact with your family, it will help you decide. Once all enquiries have been made, then make your choice and do istikhara. If you make your choice before making enquiries, then you are basing your decision not on logic, but on emotion. So use logic and seek Allah's guidance side by side.
Istikhara is one of the most misunderstood duas. From my understanding now, it makes sense that we need to do our homework first (i.e. make full enquiries) using the intellect Allah has given us, this helps us to make a calculated choice and then we do Istikhara seeking Allah's guidance.
Sister - strengthen yourself in your connection with Allah, this will in turn give you a silent confidence that nothing else can give you. When you are clear in your mind about deen and about what direction you want to take your life in, you will feel much clearer and more confident when dealing with prospective spouses. Be careful not to overstep the line. Remember to observe both external hijaab and internal hijaab.
If after you speak to this man, he is still not interested, then walk away - you cannot force someone to change their minds. But learn from this situation; learn that opportunities are gifts from Allah and so we should treat them accordingly. Once you have made the 'right' effort, accept the outcome as Allah's will.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
Hello Kooli,
You told him you will discontinue friendship unless there are plans for marriage. Then he proposes & you do not answer. That's like being set up for a slap in the face. Then he thinks about it this & tells you that maybe the marriage would not be a good idea after all & you don't talk to him for a week. It sounds as though he has been the one who has been hurt. The first by you not giving him an answer to his proposal & the second by you leaving him alone for that week instead of trying to work things out. He may have experienced many negative emotions during that time such as jealousy, anger, frustration, which may have left him feeling betrayed & is now rethinking your future together altogether. Perhaps his feelings are correct. Please talk to him & explain why you did not give him an answer & why you did not speak with him. Admit your mistakes & try to start over.
Best wishes. Peace to you.
~Jenn