Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He’s changing his mind about us after sex.

I'm 19 , my marriage was orally fixed by my parents with my cousin, his parents love me a lot and we both loved each other, unfortunately we engaged in to a physical relationship. Now he is changing, when I said about engagement, he wasn't interested. He said he needed at least 3 years to decide to marry me or not. I am scared about his decision. I have no idea what to do, what if he says no. Will anyone can truly love me to marry me ?  Will anyone accept me if I tell him that I'm not a virgin ? Will Allah forgive me for my sins? What should I do?

aliya28


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5 Responses »

  1. بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

    الحم د لله رب ال عا لم ي ن

    السلام عليكم و رحمت الله

    Girl : I LOVE YOU FOREVER ! Guy ; ALL I NEED IS YOUR FOREVER.

    This is the fault of your upbringing in an adulterous society where adult is synonymous with adultery-fornication. Your parents must take the spill for this.

    In no wise is the male like the female. Said in the Quraan upon the birth of Maryamn.

    Maryamn guarded her chastity (sexual organ).

    Your maiden hood is your freedom of self and worship of Allah. You belong to this man. [If]} he wishes to throw you away for his fun and foolishness : truly, Allah's protective jealousy is His Secret Killing. Call upon Him in purified Prayer.

    Do not say to anybody once Allah ices (kills) this cad (irresponsible young lover) about a premarital sexual experience and never repeat it. Allah InSHA ALLAH will heal you physically. But do not deceive any male in a future relation...let Allah make for you a way out in this world so that you are supported and loved. None can overreach Allah. His Law is unchanging. So is His protection of a female when all males in her society have failed her. May Allah Mack key ..be with you. Amen d. Bismillah.و الحم د لله رب ال ع ا ل مين

  2. Salaams,

    One of the most important reasons not to engage in premarital sexual relationships is precisely the situation you're now in. Having sex with someone outside of marriage guarantees nothing. You are putting something valuable on the line, without any certainty that you will get back a lifetime of security in return. Unfortunately this happens much too often that a guy will convince a girl to be physical with him, and after that he loses interest in her or breaks any promises previously made to stay with her or marry her.

    Sadly, these are the consequences that you have to live with when you make choices like this. You have to accept the possibility -even likelihood- that he will not marry you now. You have to face the reality that if another potential suitor finds out about what you've done, that they may not want to marry you.

    But Allah can and will forgive you if you sincerely repent. Break the haraam relationship, and let all proposals come through the proper channels of your parents. Do not spend any time without a chaperone with a potential spouse or even a fiance. Do everything properly from now on, and in shaa Allah He will bring you a suitable spouse who loves you as you are.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. assalamalaikum-
    DEAR I HAVE HEARD A GIRL NEVER COMPROMISES WITH HER LAST RESORT OF PHYSICAL SEX RELATIONSHIP -FROM NEARLY 35 YEARS WHICH IS LIKE A TREASURE FOR HER GIVEN BY ALLAH WHICH IS ALLOWED TO INDULGE ONLY AFTER NIKAH-
    IN YR CASE THE LINE OF CONTROL L.O.C WAS CROSSED WHICH ALLAH HAD MADE FOR YOU BOTH-THIS IS CALLED INFATUTATION FROM HIS SIDE WHICH YOU THOUGHTLOVE -we both loved each other,
    HOW CAN LOVE BE BORN WITHOUT NIKAH BECAUSE THIS GEM LINES-FROM AMY-not to engage in premarital sexual relationships is precisely the situation you're now in AND THE MUSLIMS COPY THE WEST BY INTERACTING WITH COUSINS WHEN ISLAM SAYS-
    So long as the nikaah (marriage contract) has not yet taken place, this man is still a “stranger” to you, and you should observe hijaab with him (i.e., wear proper hijaab and avoid contact) just as you would in the case of any other man. He has no right to look at you beyond the look that is allowed by sharee’ah at the time of making a marriage proposal, beyond which no further look is permitted until the nikaah is completed.
    “and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer palms of hands or one eye or dress like veil, gloves, head cover, apron), and to draw their veils all over Juyoobihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons, or their (Muslim) women”[al-Noor 24:31].
    AND IMAGINE YOUR EXTENT OF FREEDOM YOU HAD WITH HIM-AND THE SIN IS SO GREAT THAT LIKE A MURDERER IS NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE FREELY IN SOCIETY BECAUSE HE MIGHT COMMIT MORE MURDERS-LIKEWISE THE ADULTERER IS ALSO STONED TO DEATH TO STOP SPREADING MORE SINS IN SOCIETY-LIKE TIGER WHO TASTES THE BLOOD OF SPECIES OF ADAM THEN HE REPEATEDLY COMES TO THE VILLAGE TO EAT MORE PEOPLE-
    COMING TO-Will anyone can truly love me to marry me ? Will anyone accept me if I tell him that I'm not a virgin ? Will Allah forgive me for my sins? What should I do?1ST START DOING HIJAB-DOING HIJAB U R SAFE AND IF U R NOT DOING U R NOT SAFE-THAT IS 100% SURE REPENTANCE WITHOUT THIS ACT IS NOT PURE-

    THERE IS A RULE IN ISLAM-THAT WHEN A PERSON MARRIES HE ACCEPTS HE OR SHE AS IS WHERE IS CONDITION ND ISLAM DOES NOT ALLOW TO GO ON REPEATING THE PAST AND SPOIL THE FUTURE BY REVEALING THE SUBJECT OF VIRGINITY ETC-
    "If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah),ALLAH, Subhanahu wa ta'ala,will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety,and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.''[Abu Dawud].
    Istaghfar– seeking forgivenessThe two best duaa according to a hadith are ‘rabbana aatina fiddunya..(2:201)’ and ‘istaghfar’. The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to say istaghfar (seeking forgiveness) at least 100 times a day. In some hadith it is mentioned that he used to say astaghfar 100 times in one sitting.
    NOW YOU HAVE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO YR SO CALLED COUSIN AND TURN EARNESTLY TO ALLAH AND SAVE YOUR IMAN BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN EFFECTED BY THE STEP [ADULTERY A MAJOR SIN]
    Don’t cry over spilt milk.
    5. Trust Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) in what He has willed for you.
    Time is like a river . . . You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow has passed and will never pass again. If there is something that will benefit you, make every effort and go after it! Seek it out!
    There is no failure, only lessons

  4. Sister,

    So let me get this straight...now that your cousin has had his way with you he has to "decide" to marry you or not?! Where is he...I'd like to slap him so hard, he can't get up!

    Go talk to your mother. Come clean and tell her what has transpired between you and your weasel of a cousin. She is going to have a host of mixed feelings from being angry and hurt to down right mad. However, her anger is going to be very short lived because she loves you and she is going to be sad for you and I imagine you both might end up crying together.

    Let your mother help you. She is going to be beside herself with grief over this and scared to death of what is going to happen when your father finds out. God willing she will in turn get in touch with your cousins mother and talk. Depending on how close they are, they can discuss the present situation and what if anything can be done.

    You are scared and rightly so. If you stay silent about this, all the blame will end up on you in the end. Both you and your cousin have committed a grave sin by sleeping together. His generous offer of having to decide to marry you or not is a slap in your face. Sister...your cousin has taken something very, very precious from you...do you not understand that? After getting what he wanted from you he now has the audacity to inform you that in three years he will "decide" if you will be good enough for him? I mean...lets be real here, that is basically what he is saying to you.

    Sister, I would not be scared about your cousins decision in three years time...I would be scared about the situation that you have put yourself in right now. I beg you sister...do not stay silent. You and your cousin have committed zina and not only do you need to turn to Allah and ask for his forgiveness, your cousin needs to be held accountable here for his actions. You ask if he truly loves you will he marry you? If he truly loved you, he would not have taken you to bed and turned around and told you he will "decide" in three years if he wants you or not.

    My own daughter is 19 years old. If she, God forbid were ever in a situation like yourself...I would want her to come to me. I would never want her to stay silent. I am not saying it will be easy. Going to your mother may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. However...if you say nothing and years pass and your cousin "decide's" to marry someone else, you are going to be left in a very bad situation. Who will suffer in the end because of the decisions you and he made....you. Speak up sister because if you don't, things may end up a lot worse than you think. Please, please, please...go talk with your mother. If anyone is going to help you, if anyone is going to care about the situation you are currently in...it will be your mother. Do not let your cousin walk away and treat you like nothing happened between the two of you. Make him accountable sister. I can only pray that you both used protection so pregnancy will not be a concern for either of you.

    Best of luck to you and your family....Salam

  5. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? THIS is why sex before marriage is not permitted. Learn from this experience and move on.

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